What we have here is a chance to win a $25 giftcard to the online store of your choice in exchange for a few minutes of your time and some constructive criticism.

But first, a short quiz:

Tacky or Not?
1) Requiring people to subscribe to your feed to enter a giveaway.
2) Requiring people to leave an actual, thought-ful comment to enter a giveaway.
3) Throwing out all entries that don’t include the words “thank you for the giveaway” in the comment.
4) Holding giveaways in the first place.
5) Using spit to clean the baby’s face. (your spit). (in public).

And another quiz, though this one is more open-answer:

Which type of post do you prefer?

A) Dear Sally, Grandma Thinks You’re Autistic, and She Can’t Stop Talking About It

B) Molten Lava Cakes: 5 Ingredients to Chocolate Bliss

C) Shooting Yourself in the Foot

D) I’d Gaze at My Navel, But Have You Seen That Thing?

Go check them out. I’ll wait. There’s a link back to this post (HELP WANTED) at the top of each of these.

Tell me your Tacky or Not answers and which type of post you prefer (and why), and you’ll be eligible to win the 25 dollar giftcard. (Don’t forget to leave your email address so I can contact you if you win!)

Thanks!

Jane

Updated: The contest is now over. I’d still love your feedback, but the winner of the $25 gift card is commenter #15, Kathleen. Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions!

The winner of the Hanes $50 giveaway is Alisha @ Party of Five with 35% of the vote. Congratulations! Email me your address, and we’ll get the gift cards to you. Thanks to all those who entered and voted, and mostly I want to thank you for validating my inability to love the SpongeBob. I feel like all my time on the internet has not been wasted.

Congratulations also to EMama @ Righter’s Writings for identifying the Pride and Prejudice quote and winning the iTunes card. One of the best things about the most recent version was that I wanted to hold Mr. Collins’ head to my bosom, in a completely maternal sort of way. Not the way that I ALWAYS want to hold Mr. Darcy, whether he’s Colin Firth or Matthew MacFadyen. Though I’ll pass on Laurence Olivier, so not ALWAYS.

And finally, after seven years of procrastination on my part, the winner of the LLBean Tote Bag is Michelle @ Woodbury’s Four with:

The White Van Abandoned in My Front Yard.

Yes, that’s right. A solitary evening last week I was nestled in my bed, listening to the rain pound against the panes of my skylights while reading when I heard something that resembled a tornado. Okay, so I have never survived a close encounter with a tornado, but I’ve watched enough of those storm chaser specials on the Weather Channel to know what a tornado supposedly sounds like. And it sounded like what I heard. And felt. A little rumbling on the ground, screeching, almost a groan like a train….

I dashed out of bed, ready to grab my kids — oh yes, and my 72 hour kits that are complete and ready to go … riiiiight — and hide out in the laundry room. I peered through the blinds to find a white van crunched into my lilac trees in my front yard.

I was too chicken to go outside to check out the situation (hubby was out of town) until the cops arrived. Apparently the driver of the van fled the scene and left me a fine yard ornament. GRRRR! Oh, and did I mention he ran over my recycling bin, too?

The nerve.

I think you’ll agree that it just doesn’t get any better than that. I mean, as far as things that must go.

Deadline on the Nora Roberts/Joan Wickersham giveaway is midnight Wednesday.

This week I’m offering your choice of Nora Robert’s latest, Tribute, or Joan Wickersham’s The Suicide Index. Tribute isn’t Nora’s best (that would be Birthright or Heaven and Earth or Hidden Treasures), but it’s entertaining: a perfect beach book. I reviewed The Suicide Index yesterday. Not a beach book, unless you’re on the thorny Oregon coast, but very worth your while.

To enter the contest, simply leave a comment with your Things That Must Go before midnight Wednesday night. Here are mine:

Things That Must Go

1. Excessive Emotion. I’m wondering if the lower hormonal levels of menopause bring with them fewer emotional storms. If so, it might be worth the risk of osteoporosis and breast cancer. Or maybe not. Sometimes I understand the appeal of being comfortably numb. I hate feeling guilty, sad, ashamed, selfish, etc. Cheerful, I know.

2. Vehicle Repair Bills. I am being suitably punished for risking the second commandment when it comes to my minivan. The other day I found the passenger-side window halfway down. I never roll down my windows, even when it is a million degrees. That’s what automatic sliding doors are for. By the time everyone is strapped in, most of the trapped air has been replaced by fresher air. So when my window fell into the door completely and didn’t respond to the up/down button, driving around was torture. Stinky, loud, hot torture. I know, there are people in the world who would love to be tortured like that, but it was still bad.

Then the Honda people told me that not only was my “regulator” kaput but my “front engine block mount thingie” was shot too. 724 dollars and one laptop fund later, the object of my affection is all better. Please do not write and tell me that I could have driven around with a broken “front engine block mount thingie” for years without a problem. I don’t think I could handle the emotional fallout of such a revelation.

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It’s not to late to vote for your favorite in the Hane’s Giveaway Things That Must Go. I’m gonna announce the winners of the LLBean Tote Bag and the $50 Hane’s prize soon.

Because there were 661 entries, I decided to do a poll and let you pick the winner. Unfortunately, I had to disqualify anyone who mentioned high gas prices, George Bush, and/or the fact that I should be playing the Glad Game instead. Not that I disagree (necessarily), but those are just a bit . . . obvious.

If you left a cool TTMG that was unfairly ommitted from this poll due to my random ability to read multiple comments (which I’m not used to, unlike some people), leave a comment and I’ll see about giving your TTMG another shot. Your write-in vote counts!

In the Running (scroll down for the poll box)

1) Alisha @ Party of Five: Spongebob Squarepants. Sorry to all you SBSP fans but the little yellow man is crude and obnoxious. I have no idea how my four-year old even knows about him. . . .the episodes I have seen I CAN’T stand. . . . Cartoon Network, you must go. FAREWELL! . . . (YES! YES! FINALLY! Someone else who doesn’t get why it’s so cool to like the pesky porifera. Down with Spongebob!).

2) LivingforGod: Things that must go include pride, selfishness, rebellion against God, using God’s name in vain, provocative/immodest clothing, and asbestos in old homes. (I’m not so sure about the first five, but definitely that asbestos MUST GO).

3) Tabby: My “Mommy Wings” must go. My son went to scout camp last week and as I was waving goodbye I could feel (and I swear I could hear too) my upper arm flab waving back and forth more than my hand.

Cold sores also must go. Especially since my husband thinks it’s just terribly funny to announce to the entire grocery aisle that “the cream I need for my lip herpes is really expensive.” Thankfully (for him) I’ve decided that he doesn’t need to go! (At least he is anatomically specific).

4) Megan: Having to do the dishes…maybe hubby can help every once in a while??? (Not terribly original, I agree, but just this morning Grampa sent an email about a bumper sticker he saw: No husband has ever been shot washing the dishes. It’s the little things, people.

5) Anna @ The View from My Shoes: The people who say that we have too many kids (really we don’t…just four so far) MUST GO! When they are ignorant enough to say that I always ask which child they would like me to get rid of. That usually shuts them up. (Although sometimes rejoinders like this can proceed from the impulse of the moment, often they are the result of previous study. ($10 iTunes card for the first person to name that movie, not including my sister.)

[poll id="3"]

Thanks for playing along! Poll closes Sunday at midnight, at which time I’ll announce the winner of the Hanes $50 gift card.

This coming weekend’s Things That Must Go giveaway features your choice of books: Nora Robert’s latest, Tribute, or Joan Wickersham’s The Suicide Index: Putting my father’s Death in Order. Basically you can choose escapist romance or romantic/tragic escape. Come back on Saturday to share some more Things That Must Go!

***Updated*** This giveaway is now closed. I’ll be posting a poll with the top 5 TTMG entries later today. Come back to vote for the winner!***

(If you’re here from the Bloggy Giveaways Carnival, you can skip my post if you’re pressed for time (really — Just subscribe to my feed while you’re here, and you can catch me later, after all the giveaway madness is over. For now, leave a comment with your Things That Must Go to be eligible for the $50 Hanes gift certificate, good for anything in their online store, plus shipping. Deadline July 30th, Wednesday, midnight.)

Welcome to Things That Must Go. I thought about postponing for a week, because I haven’t done last week’s entries justice yet and we just got back from camping for Pioneer Day. But Grampa forwarded a most serendipitous picture that I must share.

If you Blog Hop at all, you probably heard about the BlogHer conference, and, even if you didn’t get spoiled by the swag there, you might still be pretty blase about bloggy giveaways. So, free underwear? Even 50 dollars worth? Pretty smokin’ prize, huh? Especially now that Hanes promises to solve Susan’s wedgie problem, just in time for back-to-school. There’s nothing worse than a wedgie on your first day.

Or, if you’re not ready to talk Princess backpacks and class schedules yet, Hanes is partnering with Disney for a Vacation in Comfort promotion. Although, the “family of four” part of the vacation prize must go. Right? I mean, have a third kid, and you’re always trying to decide which one has to stay home. Or have ten, and it’s Survivor: Who gets to go with the family to Disney Edition.

To enter the $50 Hanes giveaway (good for anything in their online store, plus shipping), simply leave a comment with your Things That Must Go before midnight Wednesday. Good luck! And, to get you thinking, here are mine (ridiculous first, then sublime):

1. The Redneck Tanktop. Taken outside a Walmart (of course!) in Gardendale, AL.

(I regret to say that I don’t know to whom I should give credit for this fantastic photo. If anyone knows who is responsible for such fashion and/or photographic genius, please advise).

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2. Death that comes too early. I’d hesitate to mention this so close to the Redneck Tanktop, but I think that Randy Pausch wouldn’t mind the juxtaposition. Also, it’s been on my mind ever since I heard the news (on CNN, at a fast food joint on Bear Lake). I discovered and posted the video of Prof. Pausch’s Last Lecture four months ago. At the time, some bloggers were speculating that he wasn’t really dying because he’d outlived his pancreatic cancer prognosis. What a way to prove those bloggers wrong.

I know (relatively) little about Randy Pausch, and I know that around the world people die every day before their time (or so it feels). And yet. I can’t think of this man’s wife and three kids without imagining how empty their house must feel tonight. Whatever your beliefs: resurrection or reincarnation or recycle; whatever your faith: strong or weak or nonexistent, good examples of living well are beyond value, and I mourn for this complete stranger, and his family. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from his last lecture:

I probably got more from that dream and not accomplishing it than I got from any of the ones that I did accomplish.

It’s not about how to achieve your dreams. It’s about how to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you.

and, for Marcy who will soon be free to date again:

Syl said, It took me a long time but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do. It’s that simple. It’s that easy.

Now it’s your turn. Share your Things That Must Go — ridiculous or sublime, humorous or humbling. And hug your kids tonight (unless that would wake them up. Then just whisper that you love them. Because you can.)

I’ll be posting the winners from last week’s LLBean giveaway and this week’s Hanes giveaway on Thursday. Thanks for participating. I just love reading your things that must go. Somehow complaining sounds a lot better in writing.

Azucar, for example. I can’t agree that flip-flops (even with wedding dresses) must go. Even though we’re now Twitter-BFFs, I have to stand on my own on this one.

Loved Marie‘s “family reunions. . . . That’s what email is for, people!” I enjoy family reunions, mostly because there’s lots of people to help take care of my kids, BUT email was a big improvement over actually having to talk on the phone to people.

Carolina‘s “lemonade and otter pop stands” was great; I can almost taste the sickly-sweet, too-warm lemonade. And, uh, no thanks on the leftovers you’ve got in your freezer.

Beth and Karin, with “People who are already fit and at the gym” and “woodticks,” respectively, made me laugh and grimace, respectively. Amen. Karen — hope the woodticks stick to your dog from now on!

And Suzie, thank you for the TMI (wink, Mary J!) on “saggy nursing boobs and the sweat underneath them!” Could not agree more.

But the winner is: Gladis. Because it sounds like she would understand my deep and abiding hatred of shoe shopping. Let’s hear it for Things That Must Go: “Inordinately narrow shoes.” Although, with my poor appendages that Dick has called “spatula” and “Flintstone” feet, I probably need the “regularly narrow” shoes to go too. Email me your IRL address, and we’ll get that $50 gift certificate out to you.

Thanks to everyone who entered, and thanks to Warm Biscuit for sponsoring Things That Must Go!

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I’m looking for a sponsor for this coming weekend. It has to be a product or service that I would actually use myself, so that kind of narrows things down, but I know there are tons of cool Mom-trepreneur and big corporations out there just dying to do giveaways.

Actually, it would be cool if there were a website where people/companies looking to sponsor giveaways could match up with bloggers who want to host giveaways. Like a GiveawayMatch.com. Anyone know of something like that?

In the meantime, I’ve posted a (very incomplete) wish list of stuff I’d like to giveaway (It’s heavy on brand names, but only because that’s what’s on the top of my head). If you have any other ideas, please let me know; I’d like to add to my list.

I’m not above contacting companies myself, but I’m interested to see if any of them have Google Alerts set up for their company names, or check their incoming links. If you’re interested in sponsoring a Things That Must Go giveaway, email me at whataboutmom (at) gmail (dot) com. I can supply you with all my reader/traffic statistics.

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The good news is that Warm Biscuit is sponsoring this weekend’s Things That Must Go Giveaway by offering a $50 gift certificate.

It’s a good thing I don’t like to shop or sigh over cute stuff when I’m already over-budget for the month year, because I haven’t had this much fun browsing through an online store since I discovered Pottery Barn Kids. Warm Biscuit is just as fun and homey-elegant as PBK, and, well, their prices are more reasonable.

Warm Biscuit’s got lots of fun summer gadgets to entertain the kids, in addition to their regular cute, vintage bedding, curtains, furniture, jewelry, and more. They are all about encouraging kids to use their imaginations rather than rely on the demon electronics.

Here in Utah we’ve got “ox elder” bugs, as Susan calls them. Sally and Susan walk through the living room at least once a day with their hands cupped tightly over a glass, to release some insect outside our apartment. (Maybe if they stopped snacking in their room there wouldn’t be so much wildlife indoors?) Think how much more fun their mission of mercy would be with this stylish bug catcher. 

If you’re really brave, or want to get back at a friend with kids, consider the drum set.

And if your husband happened to get you, say, a carpet steam cleaner for Mother’s Day (again, and I love it! Honey!), Warm Biscuit has gifts just for mom, like this beautiful personalized bracelet (do I sound like Vanna White, or is it just me?) But really? I would totally wear this:

 
To be eligible to win the $50 gift certificate, simply leave a comment about your Things That Must Go. Deadline is Sunday at 10 pm, and I’ll announce a winner (and any other spectacular entries) on Monday. Warm Biscuit also has free shipping on any order over $45 right now (enter the code: wbblogging4148). 

My Things That Must Go

The bad news is I can think of about seven Things That Must Go. But a few of them are rather unmentionable. I’d say this period that is worse than any period I’ve had in thirteen years must go, but I don’t want to alienate my three male readers (Hi guys! Sorry!).

I’d also say that men with tongue piercings must go, but really, if I can’t see yours, then it’s fine. It’s when you’re walking across the street and sticking your tongue out to play with it that I have a problem.

My real Things That Must Go are:

1) People who say things like, “I’m really not happy unless I’m always learning something new.” Right. If I’m not studyin’ up on them esoteric Chinese horticultures, I’m just sick. Sick.

2) Taking life too seriously. A friend sent me a link to the hilarious blog Seriously, So Blessed. The best satire is that which almost sounds like it’s for real, like Swift’s A Modest Proposal. Seriously, So Blessed isn’t quite believable (although some of the commenters have been fooled), but if you’ve got a couple minutes to kill, head over for some laughs. Only, don’t forget to come back and share your Things That Must Go!

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Anyway, I enjoyed reading your Things That Must Go entries. And the winner of the Luvs and Anita Renfroe DVD giveaway is:

Beth of Blog o’ Beth with the Diaper Genie. It was funny, and so true, and, though this wasn’t a requirement, on-topic. I had a diaper genie with my first, took diapers to the can outside with my second. And with the third? Eh, at least I put them in the trash (which is more than I can say for leave-’em-on-the-ground Dick). Send me your address and we’ll get this out to you asap.

Laura Williams was a close second with: “My forgetfulness. I just came home because I forgot something that I actually had with me in the diaper bag.” Show me someone who has not forgotten something they really didn’t (not?) forget, and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t have enough to think about.

Thanks to everyone who entered (and don’t forget the $5 coupon on luvs.com starting June 25).

Next Weekend’s Things That Must Go giveaway is for a $50 gift certificate to a really cool online store.

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What can I say? I LOVE disposable diapers. There’s nothing better than a new pack of diapers. It’s like a baby trinity of comfort, technology, and convenience. Even worse, I love to wrap a stinky diaper in a PLASTIC grocery sack and throw that in a PLASTIC trash bag and throw that in a landfill. Will future generations want to flog me? Probably. Will that EVER decompose? Who knows. Future generations probably won’t even know.

Have you heard of Anita Renfroe? Yeah, uh, me too. On YouTube, you can see Anita do her William Tell “Mom-sense.” Even better is her Dad-sense piece:

Of course, we don’t want to fall into the Berenstain Bears trap of devaluing fatherhood, but this is too funny!

So it is with a light heart that I offer you the chance to win a pack of diapers and a DVD of Anita doing her Mom-Comedy thing. And I’m offering it on the weekend (when my traffic is lower), so if no one enters, I’m pretty sure I get to keep it myself.

I will say that, besides always using Rollings Reliable Baking Powder in my house of dreams, I have often bought Luvs diapers and I like them because a) they’re better than generic, b) they’re cheaper than Pampers and Huggies, and c) unlike those evil Sam’s Club brand diapers, they don’t give my kids hiney hives.

To enter: leave a comment about Things That Must Go. I’ll give you two examples from my quick run to Blockbuster just now.

Things That Must Go

1) Clerks, especially female clerks, calling me Ma’am and telling me to have a nice evening. Do I LOOK thirty-five?

2) Grillz candy. When we lived in Florida, our next door neighbor had a gold tooth with the letter P carved in it. He carried around a brown paper sack that he drank from starting at 10 am. Turns out he didn’t actually live there, he just distributed drugs, which we learned after shots were fired into our house one day.

We never saw him again and later Eddie moved in. Eddie was a nice guy, and also not a drug dealer. Call me crazy, but I don’t think my kids need to mainline sugar while wearing tin-foil partial dentures.

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Enter as many times as you like, one comment per entry. (Even if you no longer need diapers at your house, they make a great baby shower gift). Deadline is Sunday night at 10 pm. I’ll pick a winner and get those diapers and a DVD to you asap. Whether you win or not, check out luvs.com on June 25th to get a special $5 off coupon. Have a great weekend!

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One lucky winner will win a place on my sidebar for as long as your blog remains family-friendly, which I expect to be for life. We do have decency standards around here, but, depending on how funny you are, those standards aren’t too hard to meet.

If you don’t already have a button for your blog, I can make you a custom one from a graphic you send me or from what is already on your site. Oh, and if you’d like a scrolling box to display the html code for your button on your own sidebar (encouraging your own readers to display it), I’ll make you a scrolling code box. [Any html-ness I can lay claim to I owe to Dick and to those lovely ladies at Blogging Basics 101.]

For examples of buttons and to see what a scrolling html code box looks like, direct your attention to my striking sidebar. The MMSM button is an example of a button made from a graphic tweaked from a Picasso print. The Fortune Cookie Kit button I made from a photograph Shalece sent. The Daily Delight and June Cult buttons I made from graphics that were already on Tara’s and June’s sites, respectively. So, my sidebar: that’s where you could be. Just think of it: my many readers and unwitting-Google-searchers-who-land-here will see YOUR custom button winking out at them day and night. Honey, you can’t buy that kind of publicity. Well, you could, but, better to get it for free, right?

To qualify, I’d like you to help me get a head start on the next Makes-Me-Smile Monday Carnival on April 28th. The MMSM carnival is a different kind of carnival: no more Mr. Linky’s! Instead, if you follow the guidelines here, I’ll include a link to your post in my own MMSM post, with a short blurb about it. If you know your SEO (search engine optimization) and Google/Technorati stuff, links in actual posts are much more valuable than in Mr. Linky (not to disparage Mr. Linky; he’s certainly necessary for the million-link carnivals like the Bloggy Giveaway!).

This Monday’s topic was a request from Dick, who wants to see “tips on how to make your husband happy.” We’re totally not influenced by self-interest around here. And I don’t need any more sex tips, so I hope that doesn’t rule out the top five things that immediately sprang to your mind. The movie I thought of to go along with this is The Philadelphia Story. (or the more jazzy — literally — remake High Society). You don’t have to have seen either movie to write a post with great tips on how to keep a significant other happy, but it certainly wouldn’t be a bad use of a Saturday night.

But I digress. You should probably automatically qualify for the Powerball Lottery if you’ve actually read this far, but, getting back to the Free Publicity For Life For Your Blog (button, sidebar, scrolling box) contest, simply leave one tip on the making of a loved one (child/parent/friend/spouse) happy, and you’re entered. If thinking up a happy-making tip gets you thinking on a post you could write for the MMSM carnival, even better. But not necessary. (Well, not for this contest. For the betterment of mankind, maybe).

Comments Closed — Winner to be announced SOON.

And Toni is the WIN-NER! She gets TurboTax, Mother’s Day Loot, SEATTLE, a Fortune Cookie Kit!! Email me at whataboutmom@gmail.com, and I will ship you your fortune, today!

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Breaking News on the MMSM Carnival!!

Since I am nothing if not flexible (mentally, anyway), the topic for next Monday (April 14th) is Melinda’s favorite movie, The Great Muppet Caper. I wanted to list some great quotes from the movie, but it was really hard to pick just a few.

If you haven’t seen it in awhile, I definitely recommend a re-view with — or without — the kiddies. In the meantime, here are some of my favorite quotes:

Miss Piggy: What am I? A glutton for punishment?

Nicky Holiday: Miss Piggy, you’re a very different-looking woman. I’m so tired of the same type. Those tall thin creatures with the long legs, the aquiline noses, the teeth like pearls, soft skin.
Miss Piggy: Yeah, well I can see where that might make you sick to your stomach.

[In a hot-air balloon]
Gonzo: I’d like to try this without a balloon.
Kermit: Try what? Plummeting?
Gonzo: Yeah.
Kermit: I suppose you could try it once.

Kermit: Quiet!
[all fall silent except Janice]
Janice: So I said, Look, Mother. It’s my life. OK. So if I want to live on a beach and walk around naked…” Oh.

The most timely one is at Don’t Try This at Home for TurboTax software. You know, in case you are such a slacker you haven’t finished your taxes yet (unlike Jane, who was so on the ball she finished four months days ago). I use TurboTax every year, and except for them tricking me into paying for efiling ON TOP of the $35.99 (at Costco), I love it. But what I really like is Melanie calling her ode to TurboTax “pimping out her blog.”

You can win Mother’s Day loot at Rocks in my Dryer and Seattle coupons at Scribbit. (What if you don’t have a mother or live in Seattle?)

And don’t forget the Makes-Me-Smile Monday carnival, where, for the price of a post remotely about the best movie ever (Some Kind of Wonderful), you can win a Fortune Cookie Kit. I know that I have never been happier than the day last week when I won a giveaway at Gourmet Mom on-the-Go. That was a proud, proud day.

If you would prefer not to participate, never fear. I will still love you (if I know you) and still respect you (if you care). And we might all be better off taking a break from blogging. The New York Times had a scary article about the detrimental physical ramifications of blogging. Maybe they are just trying to reinforce traditional journalism?

Or maybe this is a magic wand: If I just stop blogging, will I lose 30 pounds, get better sleep, and win my dream home? Hmmm. At least I’m not damaging my marriage: I am lucky (or not) to have blogging in common with Dick. But we have adopted a new priority plan. Basically we have to do 7 million things before we can post, and then go to bed before 11pm.

Have you seen the six-word motto meme? The Freakonomists held a contest for a New Six-Word Motto for the U.S. The winner: Our Worst Critics Prefer to Stay. But in the interest of reducing my blogging time, I’ve come up with a three-word motto for the blogosphere, and I won’t even try to turn it into a meme:

Please Blog Responsibly.