Twenty years later, my girls and I often watch during the 5 o’clock witching hour while — you guessed it — we wait for Dick to come home.

A few weeks before Christmas we watched an episode where there was not enough money to buy Mary, Laura, and Carrie new shoes. Not special shoes or fancy shoes or shoes with cleats for soccer, but not enough money to buy one new pair of shoes for each girl to wear every day, to school, and church, and play. I can’t think of a better message to expose my kids to right before the eye candy gorge-fest that is Christmas.

In the end, Laura’s horse (who in a suspenseful subplot also needs new shoes) wins a race because Laura is a fine rider; the prize money buys Laura and Mary shoes, and Carrie gets the hand-me-downs.

One of my other favorite episodes is the show where Pa makes a special shoe, with a lift, for the poor little crippled girl. As you know, Pa can fix anything. It’s a fine, fine day at the Dick & Jane house when Dick earns the nickname “Pa.” Like the time he . . . hmmmm (trying to remember the last thing Dick fixed –oh). Like the time Dick re-glued some slats on Spot’s crib. Go, Pa!

But of course I recommend the books too. Though it might be hard to get kids to read them once they know there’s a TV show. I tried to get Sally interested in the first Narnia book last week, but she was very blase: “I’ve already seen the movie, Mom.” {eye roll}

For the littler kids, there are pretty good picture book adaptations of Little House. (Dick objects to the term “littler.” Today he asked me to also please stop using words like “crowdeder” in front of the kids. I think words such like this are just fine. Relax, Dick, them kids talk plenty good.)

Tara sent the girls a copy of Christmas in the Big Woods last month, and we’ve been reading it at bedtime. When the cousins, Peter and Liza, come to stay for Christmas, Ma makes pancakes in the shape of little men (Ma wasn’t much of a feminist) for a special Christmas breakfast. Now guess what my kids have been asking for? Little men pancakes.

So I tried my hand at making little men (and women) with my favorite pancake batter. I can make a pretty mean Mickey Mouse free-style, but people have a few too many appendages, so I thought I’d get metal cookie cutters and really show Ma what was what.

I found dozens of shapes for 99 cents each at the Snobby Lobby, which I might now have to call the Hobby Lobby, as it is hard to accuse a store of snobbery when it provides so much joy for 99 cents. Sally chose a tulip, Susan a crown, Spot a glass slipper, and Dick a star. I chose a daisy, because I like my pancakes big and uncomplicated. (I’m thinking this heart shape would be great for Valentine’s Day.)

Some Pampered Chef tools are overrated, but I use this griddle every day.

A few things to remember if you too aspire to the “Ma” title. 1) Pre-heat and grease the cookie cutters generously along with your griddle  2) If you have a turkey baster, that’s an easy way to distribute the batter well.

I like these best with 100% whole wheat flour (the red wheat stuff, not that new-fangled white wheat crap).

3) Be patient with these — they need to set up well before you flip and take the cutter off, so keep the heat low enough (on my stove, that’s “medium”). Patience and lower-than-regular heat is also good because these always seem to turn out thicker than regular pancakes (of course, I could just add more liquid, but they’re yummy this way).

The metal cookie cutters get hot, but if you cook a lot, you start to lose all sensation in your finger tips anyway (comes in handy when cooking tortillas, etc), so that’s not really a problem.

Pour you some homemade buttermilk syrup down over the top of these puppies and enjoy. Your pioneer children will thank you!

Jane

{Back to Bloggy Giveaways Post}

Or maybe she just couldn’t keep up with her neighbors when it came to vinyl-ing heartfelt messages for every wall in her house.

You might prefer a white or silver backbone; black is surprisingly elegant.

But I have mastered the art of the Mod Podge (kind of), so Chrysanthemum showed me these cool snowflakes you can make. (And by “you” I mean: anyone who can handle the chenille stems formerly known as “pipe cleaners” without getting punctured or scraped).

Stem and Bead Snowflakes

Step #1: Buy chenille stems and bulk plastic children’s beads. Resist the urge to buy these at a craft store such as Hobby Lobby, even if a trusted blogger raves about the Hobby Lobby. Certain craft supplies like, say, bulk plastic children’s beads (just for example) are FOUR DOLLARS cheaper at Wal-Mart. And no, I’m not at all bitter about paying FOUR DOLLARS more at the Snobby Lobby.)

Push beads firmly to the center to make strands rigid.

Step #2: Cut 6 stems in half and then gather the 12 short stems. Twist another 1/2 stem around the middle, securing the snowflake/star shape. Let kids thread the plastic beads on — this is where chenille stems are great for kids, because unlike bracelets and necklaces (which kids also love to make), the stems catch the beads; much less frustrating for “little” fingers than that slippery stretchy cord used for making jewelry.

Though where there’s a will to properly adorn one’s special pets, little fingers will find a way:

I blame repeated viewings of The Aristocats.

Step #3: Only let the kids have a few beads (Like, 10. Or maybe 20. Okay, 30 MAX) at a time, otherwise you might get this:

I believed it was an "accident" at first.

and this:

Getting more suspicious here. Bits of plastic hitting fake wood sounds a lot like rain.

If you do end up with beads all over the floor, boy, have I got a tip for you. And here is where I would expect Grandmama Olene to be proud of me because? Cleaning up the bead mess? Baby, I rocked that part of our craft experience.

Are you ready? Okay.

To pick up small items, first hope and pray that the floor upon which said small items are scattered has been vacuumed sometime in the last month. Then put a fresh vacuum bag in your vacuum and simply vacuum those puppies up.

Ninety percent of household dust is sloughed skin cells.

Sift in a colander to remove the (miniscule amount of) stuff that actually belongs in the vacuum (which apparently settled on your floor right after that mopping you gave it last night).

I ran these beads under some water. If I weren’t anxiously engaged in exposing my children to immune-boosting household germs, I could’ve soaked them in bleach. But I believe in germs. And convenience. Amen.

What works for you?

Jane

There we were, planning Thanksgiving, who would bring the sweet potatoes (me) and who would make the rolls (her) and who would cook the turkey (mom), and Marcy said that we didn’t really need cranberry bread because last year no one ate it, probably because there were too many carb-y side dishes, what with the stuffing (mom) and the mashed potatoes (me) and the even more rolls (her).

Now, I don’t think it’s technically possible to have too many carb-y side dishes, but I’m willing to suppose that people like to save their desert-type appetites for the pies.

Still, I was reluctant to skip the cranberry bread: it’s a tradition. In fact, here’s a picture of me at seven-ish, making cranberry bread with Dad. Dad wasn’t exactly a big presence in the kitchen, so baking with him every year was special.

Real men zest their oranges.

So Marcy pulled out her notes from last year. That’s right. After our Thanksgiving feast at her fancy house last year, she sat down and wrote notes about what worked and what didn’t. And there, in black-and-white, was proof that no one eats the cranberry bread, at least, not in the kind of quantities that justify valuable oven space.

Marcy is a little bit organized. Whenever she makes a dish, she makes notes on the recipe: how it turned out, any modifications she made, and how her kids liked it. Whenever her kids get sick, she keeps track of symptoms (date and time they appear) and medicines (doses and times) in a little notebook. She even keeps her digital photos in labeled computer folders so she knows which she’s printed out so far.

I only know which photos I haven’t printed out yet because I haven’t printed any in approximately two and a half years.

But as part of my resolutions this year, I hope that taking notes will work for me.

To get me started, here’s what worked and didn’t for Christmas this year. All I have to do is read this list in early November, and our next Christmas season will be even better. Which, if we don’t get the by-now-traditional stomach bug, will not be hard to do.

Notes on Christmas 2008:

1. You want to do Christmas cards. Even if you think you really don’t, you do, so buy the stamps, order a photo card from Costco, write the letter. Start canvassing for addresses December 1st; mail by the 15th.

2. You always buy too many small presents from Dollar Tree and Wal-Mart and the dollar spot at Target. Remember the “Something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read” idea for gifts. Or, buy each kid a 25-ish gift and then only a few smaller ones to open. Chapstick, Pez, fun toothbrushes, gum, and slinkies are big hits in the stockings.

3. Presents that brought the biggest smiles: kids fingernail polish from Grampa, plastic beads for making bracelets and necklaces, and the ponies. But you knew that. The stocking swap at Well-Rounded Woman was definitely worth it; thanks Robyn!

4. Sally, Susan, and Spot loved the Jesse Tree. You need to add to the ornaments/scripture stories. This year there were only 15 days of prophets/foreshadowings of Christ. (In addition to some of the traditional devotions, I added Moses and the brass serpent, Samuel the Lamanite, Alma, the Brother of Jared, Jacob, Micah, King Benjamin, and Lehi and the liahona).

Mormon Jesse Tree. (Yes, we believe in David's father Jesse.)

5. When Dick says we shouldn’t get each other gifts, what he really means is that he’s too preoccupied to get you anything. So get yourself something and tell him thanks. Also, he really likes it if you let the kids think that some of the gifts you spend hours finding, buying, and wrapping are from him.

6. The neighbor gifts of clementine oranges (“Orange you glad it’s Christmas?”) were good. The girls loved delivering them. Great family activity the first few Mondays in December.

7. People may not appreciate cranberry bread at Thanksgiving, but they do still love the Christmas Danish Pastry. Now is not the time to cut back on exercise.

I think that’s about it. Oh, one more: If you do want to get a family picture for the card, think about this when the weather is still nice. Because kids and pictures? Hard. Kids and pictures and sub-zero temperatures? INSANE, where insane means “streaming snot” and “red, freezing hands” and “hypothermic crankiness.”

Speaking of photos, it’s entirely likely that I’ll never get around to organizing them. At this point, it would be easier to get the kids to age backwards and take more photos. But next Christmas? Is going to rock.

What works for you?

Jane

p.s. There’s one more day to enter the Walking With Dinosaurs giveaway.

Things like NOT LOCKING the car when it’s in the garage or TURNING THE LIGHTS OFF in the car (so your wife doesn’t have to ride her bike 10 miles in the snow, pulling two solid kids along in the bike trailer, up over Unity Pass, elevation 5070) or FINDING A PLACE WE’VE BEEN TO SEVEN TIMES or SMELLING THE DIRTY DIAPER WITH HIS OWN NOSE.

And poor Dick might justifiably shake his head when I crash into the garage:

Or when I lock the keys in my car at the gas station or forget to pick up Sally on early-out day (for the fifth time in two months) or when I drag him to family functions at the last minute or when I forget to turn off the oven that’s on LOW to speed the rising of my rolls:

But when all of my featherbrained-ness happens in a very short week, compounded by HIS featherbrainedness, honestly, I just want to go back to bed and sleep until April.

And I fear for our children. I fear that one day Sally will be reading a book and forget to breathe and turn blue and asphyxiate and die. Because it’s complicated to read and breathe at the same time. Or, you know, drive and plan a blog post.

So here are my tips for the week:

1) Close all doors before pushing your dead car anywhere.

2) Turn off all the lights in your car so the battery doesn’t die. (twice).

3) Turn off the oven if you have plastic in there.

4) Change the baby’s diaper if it smells toxic. Ignoring it will NOT make it go away.

5) If you are a kindred spirit of Anne of Green Gables, marry someone down-to-earth and capable, like Gilbert.*

Jane

*There are some benefits of marrying someone equally feather-brained; they are usually good at understanding exactly why it was that you forgot to screw your head on in the morning.

Mom’s Minivan Rules

1) No open windows (all that noise).

2) No reading lights on (all that night blindness).

3) No talking (unless Mommy asks how your day was, in which case you should answer and speak up and always remember that Mommy is involved). (Crack cocaine Portable DVD player provided; see? Reasonable).

A couple weeks ago someone who shall remain nameless (rhymes with “fusion” and “collusion” and “dead-meat-usan”) left all the interior reading lights on in the minivan. I usually turn the master switch in the dashboard off to prevent this, but someone hit that too on her scenic way out of the car.

The next day the battery was dead.

I called my mom (who lives 45 minutes away) in panic, and she reminded me that I now have neighbors who would probably be just as happy to jump start me as our old neighbors would have been to sell me drugs.

I walked Sally to school and told Susan that preschool was too far to walk, and then I called up Chrysanthemum, who was more than happy to come flex her girl-power muscles. (I realized later that she would have lent me her car if I’d thought to ask, but it is still new to me to have actual, helpful neighbor/friends).

We read in the manual about popping the gear shift lock releaser-thingie, and then she offered to push the car out of the garage while I steered. I was feeling pretty good about all this do-it-herself ingenuity. But of course I didn’t want her to have to push my weight on top of the minivan’s weight, so I reached in to steer while standing on the ground with the driver’s side door open.

Chrysanthemum and I realized at about the same time, that, pushing a car in neutral, even a heavy Honda Odyssey, is a lot easier than you might think. This was at about the same time that the driver’s side door smashed into the garage wall.

The moral of the story (and what works for me) is:

Develop a healthy (realistic) self-image so that when your car does die, as cars are bound to do at some point, you won’t be silly enough to insist on not adding your weight to the FORTY-SIX HUNDRED POUNDS the car already weighs.

Jane

p.s. It’s not all bad. I know a guy who knows a guy named Carlos who can bang out those, uh, “dents” for me for a really good price. Special price just for me, you know?

p.p.s. If you’ve ever thought it’s just not right that Mom doesn’t get a stocking on Christmas morning unless she stuffs it herself, head over to The Well-Rounded Woman for a fabulous Christmas stocking swap.

{insert maniacal laughter}

We were almost as serious about school as we were about church. We even went to a nursing home every week and sang. Tracey came with us, and that was good for the poor residents tortured by our efforts, as Tracey was the only one of us who could carry a tune.

When we studied the New Testament, I thought that Martha, the house-owner sister of Mary and Lazarus, the woman who would rather clean and prepare meals than sit at the feet of the Savior and hear the gospel from His own mouth, was inconceivable.

Then I had a husband, and an apartment of my own, guests coming for dinner or to stay. I had a kid and then a couple more, then a house of my own, and I wanted to say (as reverentially and humbly as possible):

“O Lord, hast thou ANY IDEA how much time, energy, anxiety, and preparation it takes to make mine hospitality ready for the succor of mine honored guests?”

Can you imagine the housework you’d undertake if the Lord were coming to visit?

A couple Sundays ago I baked six dozen chocolate cookies, two pans of rice krispie treats, and five dozen oatmeal butterscotch bars. I yelled at the kids, warned Dick away from the goodies. I scrambled to get ready for church and felt frazzled throughout the service.

When I saw Dick reading his scriptures on the couch as I slaved in the hot kitchen I snapped. (I may have said that one naughty word that Susan keeps repeating at the most inopportune of moments).

That evening, as Sally and I sat at the church ‘do (baptism preview) I’d baked for, I finally relaxed enough to listen to the hymns and feel the Spirit. I squeezed Sally’s hand and considered my life.

Holy cow, I’m a moron.

So my motto for this holiday season comes from Psalms 46:10:

Be still, and know that I am God.

I’m going to be still. Stare at my kids. Snuggle with Dick. Use paper plates. Simplify gift-giving. Bake only four kinds of pie.

And I’m going to realize that the only “experience” I need to give my kids is somehow helping them to know that He is God.

Jane

That’s what (I’m hoping) works for me.

It might be watery Elmer's Glue, but Mod Podge sounds so cool. Courtesy of PlaidOnline.com

Have you heard of this stuff? It’s great. You smear it on a surface (like wood, glass, metal), then on a flat object (fabric, photographs, stickers, etc) you want to stick onto the surface, and then you smear some more Mod Podge on, and then you smear some more, and suddenly you have a festive advent calendar of sorts.

(It’s a bit more complicated than that, but if you have anything you want to decorate and protect from sticky fingers or spilled hot chocolate, Mod Podge is for you).

This is what I made at my first-ever Super Saturday (Church Lady Craft Day) in Seagull Fountain. Mine is rather plain as I declined to add half of the recommended ribbons, rivets, and other assorted curliques.

Sally is already quite obsessive about changing the numbers before school. Dick keeps asking if we can use it to bake cookies when we’re done with it. I reminded him (very patiently) that Christmas comes every year, so this will be bringing us joy and merriment for decades to come.

I also “made” a nativity scene. I say “made,” because all I had to do was paint the wood and use a drill to screw the metal thingie to the said painted wood. Oh, and I tied one of the bows too.

So, crafty church ladies, Mod Podge (I just love saying that), and counting down to Christmas (wheee!) work for me.

Jane.

Last week it got cold enough that we shut the windows and turned on the furnace. And hoo-boy! Can I just say I admire you women who clean up after pets after wiping mini-bums all day? If you find yourself with a pet who pees in excitement, or fright, or laziness, or whatever, ON YOUR CARPET, take that pet straight to the POUND.

Ok, fine, keep Lassie, but get yourself to the pet store and become the proud owner of a Nature’s Miracle Blacklight. Even if you don’t have a recalcitrant pee-er, kids think a blacklight is the funnest thing since those glow-bracelets from the dollar store — especially if they have freckles, which look really eerie.

Husbands who like gadgets think blacklights are cool, too. Enough that they’ll treat the dog stains asap even while turning a blind eye to the dishes in the sink. And speaking of eerie, here’s a look at Dick’s toenails with the flash off:

After you’ve identified your problem areas, simply apply Nature’s Miracle (smells like rubbing alcohol) or OdoBan (with lemony undertones) or white vinegar THOROUGHLY. And voila! You are pet-odor-free.

That works-for-me, though next time I buy a house (hopefully never, unless we’re talking a beach house), I think I’ll insist on viewing it at night, just me and my black light.

Jane

If your microwave looks like, say, this:

[Oh, I give up. Dirty stuff just doesn't look as dirty in pictures as it does in real life. I wonder if this is sort of like a dirty-anorexic-distortion, where instead of looking fatter that your really are, things look cleaner/dirtier than they really are.]

Anyway, to clean even gunky dried-on spaghetti sauce, exploded black bean soup, and splattered sweet potatoes, simply place a glass container full of water in the microwave and turn it on High for about 5 minutes. Then wipe off the soggy ickies, and, voila:

In other news, Danielle sent me a video about a bioluminescent Mountain Dew experiment. Boy! Was it exciting, and Mountain Dew by itself is practically glow-in-the-dark, so I assembled the necessary ingredients:

I had to try it for myself even after Dick looked it up on Snopes.com and found that it was a false urban legend. Unfortunately (and not surprisingly, I guess, though seriously disappointingly), Snopes was right; it doesn’t work. (I’m glad I’m not as cynical as Dick; I’m sure he misses a lot of fun anticipation that way.)

But never fear, I know a fun soda pop trick that does work! The Diet Coke and Mentos Bomb is fabulous, and would make a great Last-Hurrah-of-Summer family activity.

Diet Coke and Mentos on the 4th of July from jane on Vimeo

Look at that! Actual tips for Works-for-me Wednesday:

1) Clean your microwave with boiling water.

2) Snopes.com debunks too-good-to-be-true tricks.

3) Diet Coke and Mentos make for FUN TIMES.

You can thank me later.

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This year I thought of fun 50th birthday stuff: black balloons, black roses in a coffin. Luckily I’m a procrastinator, because a week before her birthday she told me she was going in for a biopsy.

Black balloons seem a bit inappropriate when someone’s in the middle of a cancer scare. Chocolate, however, is always a good thing (especially if you’re my mom). Food is a comfort when we’re worried or sick and a way of rejoicing when we’re not.

Mom’s biopsy came back benign, and we celebrated her birthday with the usual summer fare: hamburgers on the grill, corn on the cob, and chocolate. I offered to make her whatever dessert she wanted, and she requested brownies and ice cream. Now, you know I have NOTHING against a good brownie (i.e. one made from Duncan Hines mix), but there are one or two things in life that are even better than brownies.

And since Mom is just about my (counting on fingers) 5th favorite person on earth, I wanted to make something just a little extra-special. So I called up Tara and asked her what she’s made that’s special, and chocolate, and has easy-to-find and cheap ingredients. She read me this recipe from Allrecipes.com, and the rest is . . . chocolate bliss!

I had to take extra photos, because in the first ones I put the actual amount of whipped cream we like, and then you couldn’t see the cakes. So this picture is highly misleading, dairy-wise.

Here’s what “cakes puff but centers jiggle” looks like:

The first time I made this I accidentally used 4 tablespoons of flour, and they were still good, but they’re better with the right amount. The original recipe calls for making this in a regular muffin pan with jumbo-size liners, but I’ve been wanting some ramekins for baked custard (and I don’t have jumbo liners).

I’d tell you these were a big hit, but that’s pretty obvious, right? The best thing is that you can mix up a batch and then refrigerate the batter for up to three days (maybe more, but we’d eaten it by then). Just bring it up to room temperature before baking.

The best, best thing is that I think Mom will be around for another 50 years to enjoy these with us.

Stumble This!

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Natural Mommy’s Recipe Swap.

These things include listening to classical music, buying a new hardbound book (the kind with the thick, carefully-but-unevenly-cut pages), and sharing a Happy Meal with my kids as we grocery shop. Like a pedicure for the soul, these things make me feel pampered and indulged.

Another thing that makes me feel spectacularly spoiled, especially after having lived in Egypt, is taking my kids to the pediatric dentist. That all this equipment and education and attention is lavished on the teeth of my little ones overwhelms me.

Sally has been going regularly to the dentist since she was four. The ADA is recommending kids go as early as two-years old, but I think they just want to make more money. As long as everything looks good to the pediatrician, and you are a conscientious mom, serving the flouridated tap water and ensuring brushing and flossing on a monthly basis (kidding — at least weekly!), I think four is a good age to visit the dentist for the first time.

We started this summer off right — with a 6-month 9-month cleaning and checkup for Sally, and a first-ever visit for Susan. I made a couple of mistakes, and did a few things right, and naturally, as I sat in the waiting room, I thought, This would be a great Works-for-Me Wednesday topic, plus, hopefully I’ll remember to re-read it when it’s time for Spot’s first visit.

Tips For Making a First Dental Visit a Success

1) Start the Brainwashing Early. If you can train your three-year old to cry “Mommy, I’m not safe!” when you forget to buckle her seatbelt, you can convince her that going to the dentist is better than Disneyland, and that it will help her to be “just like Sally.”

2) Write Down the Appointment. On a calendar in case your computer breaks, and on the computer in case your calendar gets drowned in the kitchen sink. If you somehow manage to forget entirely the day, time, or in fact the name or phone number of the dentist, start calling possible dentists early on the first day of Summer. You might get lucky and call the right one exactly one hour before the appointment.

3) Practice Some Useful Phrases. For example: “I like to brush my teeth in the morning, but Mommy helps me at night.” “Daddy lets me use his flossers if I’m a good girl.” “We never eat suckers or fruit snack or sugar of any kind at home, Mr. Dentist.”

4) Do Not Let Your Daughter Wear A Dress That Comes To Her Knees. When she lies on the dentist chair, it will ride up and show her panties no matter what you do. I guess there are worse things in life, but I spend way too much of my time fretting over panties showing.

5) Brush Your Kids’ Teeth Right Before the Appointment. Right.

Actually, considering how cavalier I am about teeth hygiene, it’s a miracle the kids are still cavity-free. Right before I got married (when I was still on my parent’s insurance), I had 16 cavities. Had to go back twice to get each side of my mouth done. I’m still a flossing-slacker. Dick must have some good teeth genes.

I love a good pediatric dentist. The best part is having the dentist tell your kids they need to brush and floss. Somehow it sounds a lot more serious coming from someone who wields instruments of oral torture. But there are a few other things to look for in a pediatric dental practice:

Things to Look for in a Pediatric Dental Practice

1) TV Screens on the Ceiling, with a good selection of movies.

2) Goody bags to take home. Probably not with actual candy in them.

3) Fun prizes to take home. Not to be confused with the oral hygiene goody bag, which should include a toothbrush of their choice and toothpaste/floss samples. The fun prize should be something they can choose out of a good Dollar Store range of toys. Susan chose Trick Gum, and after we finally convinced her it wasn’t real gum, she loved ‘getting’ Mom with the cockroach that snapped out each time.

4) A Bathroom Close to the Exam Rooms. Something about all that swishing and drilling makes kids have to pee. Trust me.

5) Like, um Credentials, or something (you can check the ADA). Oh, and hygienists and dentists who actually know how to talk to kids.

In case it’s going to be awhile before you get to the dentist (and to jog my own memory), here are a few tips the dentist gave us:

Mean Rules That Help Your Teeth

1) Limit the Juice and Chocolate Milk. I ask you: Limit the MILK? Apparently chocolate milk has lots of sugar (NO!) and ruins regular milk for kids. But I asked, and the occasional treat chocolate milk is okay. It’s just bad if you buy it for your refrigerator. Because your refrigerator has feelings, too.

2) Until kids are eight or nine, Mom or Dad should take a turn at the evening brushing/flossing. Kids can handle the morning one on their own.

3) Nah, that’s all I got. How about you?

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This weekend’s Things That Must Go Giveaway is for a $50 gift certificate to a cool online store.

You can tell a lot about a person and their blog based on which aspect of blogging: Art (Writing or Photography or Quilling), Business (making money or expanding an IRL enterprise); or Technology (coding or design or web development), inspires their posts. A great blog will usually be artistically rich, income-generating, and technologically sophisticated, though there are many exceptions, and a great blog for me may simply be one that minimizes my angst.

Whatever your goal(s) for your blog, it’s good to explore the other aspects, if only so that if and when your interests or goals change, your blog will be set up to shift/expand more smoothly.

Art of the Blog

The most important thing is not how great your writing is. If fantastic writing were the only requirement for blogging greatness, I’d be on the beach with my new iMac right now. Instead, it’s important to have a hook. Skimpy clothes, great assets, loose morals. NO! Hook! You might be the rancher’s wife or the depressive ex-Mormon or the Southern “Can I get an Amen?” or the Alaskan Family Fun. Hook is closely related to voice: are you Sarcastic, Hip, Queenly, Fussy?

Provide a Service

Second most important is providing a service. That might be plain old entertainment, but honey, you better be dang entertaining if you’re not also offering tips, recipes, advice on baby naming, live blogging of American Idol, or wrong opinions to rail against. Even Dooce, who has never posted a recipe (that I can see) updates her Daily Photo, Chuck and Style sections about four times a week, encouraging people to spend more disposable income on funky knickknacks.

Rocks in My Dryer had a recent post that I cannot find right now. (Note: Get thee a search box on thy blog) about posts. Short is good. Frequent paragraph breaks is good. Focusing each post on one topic is good. Again, lots of exceptions, but overall good advice.

Business of the Blog

Two things here: traffic and subscribers. To give you a basis for comparison, The Pioneer Woman gets about 5.9 million pageviews a month; the lowliest Federated Media parenting author gets 30,000. Page views are generally 2-4 times higher than unique visitors and are what advertisers mostly track, though they might also want to know your subscriber numbers, as that indicates loyalty and signals quality, ongoing content. Sign up for Google Analytics to see how close you are to becoming famous being able to make 5 dollars a month from advertising.

Traffic unrelated to subscribers is determined by your Google (or other search engine) page rank, which is determined by your SEO (search engine optimization), of which incoming links are the most important aspect. For a great primer on SEO for mom bloggers in particular, check out WebMarketCentral. Incoming links are like gold. As one person said, you can shout that your name is Jane @ What About Mom as loudly and often as you like, but Google only cares when others start shouting that you are Jane @ What About Mom.

One non-intuitive thing I’ve learned from my friend Laura is that, when it comes to pay-per-click advertising (where you only get paid if a visitor actually clicks on the ad, like with Google Adsense), you make money when someone comes to your site and DOESN’T FIND what they are looking for, but clicks away on a promising-looking ad.

So which should you focus on? Traffic or subscribers? Both, of course. Ideally they’ll feed each other, though often a post that appeals to your regular readers won’t hook in new ones or random Google searchers and vice versa. Again, it’s a matter of what your priorities are and what kind (if any) ads you run.

Building Traffic

Once you’ve nailed SEO, it’s about getting subscribers to be traffickers too. Get your subscribers to click over to the actual site by hosting a carnival, writing great content they have to comment on, hosting giveaways, contests, or polls; posting something special that can only be seen on the blog, and compiling helpful lists for readers to check back regularly too, esp. if you have a cute button for it.

You can also try the social news aggregators like Digg, Kirtsy, etc. Go to Share This to get an easy plugin for all the main sites. Ideally your readers will submit your stories, but, hey, there’s no law against tooting your own horn. I submitted my own Dooce post (I know, uber-tacky), but it worked!

Also, give Twitter (or Plurk, if you must) and Facebook (or Myspace or blahblah). I’m getting too tired to create hyperlinks. Just type .com after any non-hypered nouns from now on, okay? Also, if this all seems too weird/insane in a really bad way, go read Memarie Lane on the bloggy optimization madness.

Building Subscriber Loyalty

People love it when their comments are acknowledged, almost as much as bloggers like to get comments. You can respond in the comments section or by email. Which do people prefer? I should do a poll. Click on over to vote (Kidding. Maybe later). Some techy-type needs to write a plugin that automatically asks people if they’d prefer a response by email or in the comments section. Of course, we all (you know you do, admit it) dream of the day that the number of comments is just TOO overwhelming to even think of responding to each one. Yeah, any day now.

Also, once your readers trust you, maintain that trust by writing the sort of post they expect from you, rather than obvious link-bait or search-bait or unbelievably-glowing (not one of my weaknesses) product reviews.

Getting Incoming Links

This is very similar to Building Traffic. Carnivals, contests, indispensable lists, etc, anything you can use to motivate people to link to your site. Sometimes it’s hard to get the attention of established, successful bloggers (however you measure success).

If you’re like me (and if you’re way cooler, come on, you remember thinking this), every time you hit Publish, you think this post will be the one, the one that everyone will see and link to and five minutes later you’ll be Because I Said So. I live in hope of being part of Rocks in My Dryer‘s or Musings of a Housewife‘s weekend linkie love fests. I did get on to Fussy’s once. How? By accidentally doing something that now strikes me as a super-good strategy. I asked her permission to use one of her photos. That’s right: write about a blogger you admire, and you just might be surprised.

One final note. Blogging isn’t so different from life. The Golden Rule applies, but be even nicer. Try linking to other bloggers, but if they don’t reciprocate, no harm, because you would have linked to them anyway, because they’re just that cool and helped you illustrate a point, right? For a funny (and probably comprehensive) list of people’s pet peeves about blogggers/blogging, check out the comments section on Shannon’s post.

Advertising

One of the best things about blogs is the transparency of the web, and one of my favoritely transparent bloggers is Scribbit in Alaska. Now, I confess that a few of her posts, the recipes and crafts and giveaways, are not super-appealing to me, plus I am jealous that she is so popular. So I have some angst. But Scribbit is incredibly helpful, candid, and transparent. You can learn about advertising, making money from your blog, and how to split your blogging time to maximum effect on her site. Here me shout: Michelle is Scribbit, Google! Hear me?

Branding

The power of good branding cannot be overstated. I wrote before about my new friend Kelly King Anderson and how she came up with Startup Princess. Catchy, right? Check her out for other general entrepreneurial issues, including work-life balance. (To Dick: What!?! I’m COMING to bed).

Technology of the Blog

Again, exceptions abound, but in general, a grown-up blog has it’s own domain, preferably a .com. If you’ve still got blogspot or wordpress or typepad in your url, maybe rethink that. Of course, if you’ve already got all your incoming links (see above) and page rank established on the hosted site, maybe a move isn’t worth it, because those things aren’t transferable. When registering your domain, think branding and hook (see above).

Blogging Platform

You can use the Blogger or WordPress or Typepad software that you’re familiar with on your own site. If you’re ready to host your own site (and register a domain) but have no idea where to start, check out BlueHost. They’re 6.95/month and have 24/7 online chat support, not that you’ll ever need that. I’m most familiar with WordPress, and it’s a great, “robust,” blogging software thingie. They have lots of free themes (layouts), though if you’re really serious (which I am only moderately serious so far), you can buy a premium theme for around $70. Dick wrote a Quick Start Guide on the WordPress codex. It doesn’t make any sense to me, but I think it would to your average third-grader.

Help!

A great resource for blogging in general (though I use it mostly for technology questions) is Melanie‘s and Shannon‘s BloggingBasics101. They’ve got a great Google-based search tool, so type in anything. Go ahead. I bet, if it has to do with blogging, they’ve got something, or know who does, on it.

Down with Photoshop!

The only other tool (besides WordPress) that I use regularly is Snagit. Snagit is like Photoshop, only easier and without that layers crap. You can write on photos, take screenshots, uh, do other cool things. I am not a designer/artiste (surprise!), but I like how handy SnagIt is. They don’t even pay me to say that . . . YET. Hey, SnagIt, love me as much as I love you, okay?

The Wrap-Up

I hope this is not too basic, not too advanced (not much fear of that, eh?). I know I’m exhausted, so even if this list isn’t exactly complete, it’s done (unless you help!). I’d love to hear what you think about the art, business, and technology of blogging. Do you think comments or emails are better as replies? Is Typepad nicer than WordPress? Why do you blog? How much money do you make? I remember when we taught conversational English in Japan and one thing we worked on was appropriate questions to ask of strangers. I never quite mastered that.

If you have any questions for me, please ask, and I’ll get Dick to research and answer right away.

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Oh, and this is what works-for-me. That Shannon! What she doesn’t know about making me a trafficker!

Mama Bear, on the other hand, is shown as the fount of all wisdom and motherly goodness, which I have no problem with, in theory. But her Politeness Plan goes against everything learned from behavior modification studies, being a system of punishments for bad manners with no reward for good manners. (Good manners are their own reward.)

So it’s no surprise that a sound Theory of Teaching Manners is based not on the parental units, but on the actions of Brother and Sister Bear, who scheme to subvert the Politeness Plan by being overly polite, hoping this will irritate Mama into scrapping it altogether. Instead, as Brother and Sister enjoy the happier, sunnier, all-around celestial harmony that is greater politeness, they gradually forget to be overly polite, and, of course, the over-politeness never bothered Mama in the first place.

Game Plan: Overly Polite

It’s really quite easy to teach manners. Simply model good language. For example:

“Please, Sally dearest, say May I have a glass of milk, Mommy dearest? or you won’t get anything to drink all day.”

or

“Please, Susan dearest, put your freakin’ boots in the closet right this second or I’m throwing them away.”

or

“Please, Spot dearest, sit your tookey down before I come whack it so hard.”

Simple.

Take it to the Next Level: Thank You

After you’ve taught your kids to say “please, xxxx dearest,” you’re ready to move on to possibly the most important phrase in any language: Thank you. Learning and using “thank you” in a foreign country is the best thing you can do to promote cross-cultural understanding and world peace. That and “I’m sorry”/”Excuse me”/”I’m just a clumsy tourist; please don’t judge all Americans by my cluelessness.” In Japan, for example, we used “sumimasen” liberally, to great effect.

Imitation: the Easiest Form of Parental Abuse

The Overly Polite Politeness Plan is highly effective. Sally, Susan, and Spot now often say “Please, Mommy dearest.” However, we’re still working on the “Thank you, Mommy dearest.” Here’s how it comes out as of today:

Sally (7): “Thank you, Mommy dearest” (snark, smirk, eye roll).

Susan (3): “Gank you, Mommy dearest” (sweet smile, syrupy singsong).

Spot (1): “dat do” (get the video camera: SPOT CAN TALK!).

Teaching manners by the book is what works for me this week. Head over to Shannon’s for the most amazing list of every tip you ever needed, and many you never could have imagined.

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In the meantime, here’s my recipe for a Happy Summer:

Now that you’ve got the kids occupied, it’s time for mom to have some quality time. If you get tired of reading blogs (I know, like that could EVER happen), put your computer to some good use. On sites like PrimeTimeRewind and Hulu, along with the network stations sites (nbc.com, fox.com, etc), you can catch up on all your favorite shows.

You might be thinking that TV is just so … so … shallow. But there are lessons to be learned and inspiration to be gotten. Tonight Hillary Clinton is (probably) (maybe) realizing that she is not going to win the Democratic nomination. Other women have faced similar setbacks, though, and I’d like to offer some encouragement to Hillary, inspired by Phyllis on The Office. In the season finale, Goodbye, Toby, Phyllis faces her toughest assignment: party planning. As she gets overwhelmed at the enormity of it all, she shares:

When I was a little girl, my mother told me I could be anything when I grew up: teacher’s aide, nurse’s assistant, some sort of volunteer. But now, I just don’t know.  

Despite these discouraging thoughts, Phyllis goes on to throw “the best party” ever. Complete with bouncy castles and fair food. I think Hillary probably needs a big hug, and to remember that she can still be anything she wants to be: teacher’s aide, nurse’s assistant, some sort of volunteer.

—-

And that’s how I responding to “Mom, I’m bored” this summer.

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My very generous mother-in-law always tells us to not get her anything for Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day, etc. She usually sends a detailed email a couple weeks/months before the holiday, telling us what she has bought herself, and reminding us that her kids and grandkids are gift enough and that we needn’t bother ourselves about a gift for her. Usually I like to follow her admonition. Who am I to argue with someone who is happy to save me time, money, thought, and energy?

But now that we’ve moved far away and she can no longer delight in her (admittedly delightful) grandkids on a monthly basis, I thought I’d put together some sort of birthday package this past February. I bought a bag of Lindt truffles, assorted, and one of those new (to me, anyway) home fragrance oil thingies, the ones in the funky glass bottle with bamboo sticks purveying the fragrance to your gracious home. I put in some cards the kids drew, and a family picture in a clear magnetic frame for her refrigerator. Darn thoughtful, huh?

I think it got to Florida a couple days late (nobody’s perfect), and Nana was gratifyingly appreciative. About a week later she emailed to say that she really liked our family picture, and was sorry she hadn’t mentioned it earlier, but the Lindt truffles melted out of their bag and all over the other items, and in the horrific mess (my words) the picture had fallen under a cupboard, and she hadn’t seen it until now.

Lesson Learned: Do not send chocolate in the mail to Florida, even if where you live it is seven degrees and snowing.

About a week ago we got an email from Nana that more forefully than usual said, “Please don’t get me anything for Mother’s Day. My grandkids are gift enough.” Now there’s a challenge. I could slink away and save myself further humiliation, or I could try again and make an effort to be a little more thoughtful.

Costco made the decision easy, as it consistently beautifies and simplifies my life in so many ways (fresh, cook-yourself tortillas!, diapers in bulk!, 55 cent fountain drinks!). As the girls and I worked the sample tables, I saw a display for See’s Candies gift certificates, 2 for 20 bucks. Hot dog!

I realize that Nana Marian will probably read this before she gets the package that I sent today, but then she’ll just have longer to plan which See’s Candies yumminess she wants to get. And, if we find, when we visit later this year, that she has not used the gift card? We’ll take her to the store and force help her to choose something and MAKE her enjoy it!

So, gift-giving, it’s what works not for me.

—

And now for the giveaway. A very nice publicist sent me a review copy of Taylor Wilshire’s new fiction book The Book of Mom. I’ll be posting a review soon, but wanted to hold the giveaway before Mother’s Day. Also, I don’t want to give away the book by telling you how much I loved or hated it. Maybe you can guess by reading it yourself? The Los Angeles Review said:

This spiritual novel brims with humor, realism, and the day-to-day struggles of motherhood . . . Its fast-pace, irresistible, candid, and eloquent account of the human condition makes it impossible to put down.

Leave a comment telling me what you’re giving your mother for Mother’s Day OR the best Mother’s Day gift you’ve ever received and I’ll enter you in the completely random drawing for The Book of Mom. (Continental U.S. only, which unfortunately does not include Canada.)

I buy those funny twisty lightbulbs, but only because it saves shopping trips in the long run. I make most of our food from scratch, but only because it tastes better that way. And I run the washer and dryer sparingly, but that’s only because if I washed the clothes I’d probably have to fold and put them away. More energy wasted!

I would like to do my part for Earth day though, especially since the Seattle Mom Blogs and Goodies for Mom ladies seem really earnest about everyone doing their part, though every time a “green product” is promoted, I get just a bit skeptical.

Here’s the one thing I’ve done very conscientiously and consistently in the past seven years, and all for the good of mankind:

Breastfeeding. It’s natural, it’s healthy, it’s downright biological. And it’s cheap. And easy, once you figure it out and it stops hurting like a mother (get it?). There’s a lot of misinformation out there about breastfeeding though, so I thought I’d list a few of the Myths of Breastfeeding. If you think I don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re probably right, but I have nursed three kids until they were 11 months 3 weeks, 14 months, and 18 months old. And my first kid? Sally? She was 9 lb 3 oz at birth and 10 lb 14 oz at 10 days old. Beat that, Enfamil!

(If you can’t or don’t breastfeed, don’t feel bad. We’re only talking about saving the planet, after all. Ah, ah, I joke! I jest! Just don’t look at me and my disposable diapers like that, ok?).

Myths of Breastfeeding

1) Baby knows how to breastfeed. Reality: Baby is freaking clueless and so are you. Get a consultant, read books, watch youtube.

2) Consultants know how you should breastfeed. Reality: If any one lactation consultant knew how every mother should breastfeed, she would be a millionaire. Talk to a mother or sister or friend.

3) Breastfeeding only hurts if baby is not latching on correctly. Reality: Take a sensitive organ. Any sensitive organ. Attach a gnawing, clamping, totally self-involved, bloodsucking parasite to that sensitive organ for approximately 7 hours at a time 23 times a day for one year. Oh yes, that feels good.

4) When you’ve finally mastered breastfeeding, you’ll have years to enjoy this incredible bond with another human being. Reality: Sooner than you’re ready, it’s time to wean. No matter how much you hated it at first, or felt like a dairy cow the entire time, or wallowed in the sublime connection, baby will move on to Sippy Cups and 2% milk (hopefully from recycled materials and your local dairy goat farm).

I hope the tree huggers appreciate all the mommy breastfeeders! Sometimes I wonder, especially whenever there is another brouhaha about breastfeeding in public. Please. Can we talk about something more socially significant, like whether or not teenagers should be allowed to breathe in public or adults to talk politics in non-trans-fat-using restaurants?

Breast-feeding: Anytime, Anywhere

And that’s what works for me.

I asked if I were the only one to experience greater desire for sex than my husband and expressed frustration with (esp. Christian) marriage advice that assumes a man’s desire is always much greater, and bases whole marital strategies on this assumption.

Besides asking for help, the topic helped my post’s popularity. As one lurker commented, “I guess all it takes is the mention of sex for me to make a record of my cyber-presence on your blog.” Your response was overwhelming in understanding and good, concrete advice as to what I could do to reduce my frustration (both mental and physical, eh).

An interesting issue that has arisen from the continued comments is sex after pregnancy and childbirth. About how the maternal body reacts to pregnancy, labor and delivery, in feeling, perhaps, more vulnerable emotionally or physically, and also in experiencing pain again. I remember after my first daughter’s birth I was shocked by how much sex hurt (not as bad as our wedding night, though, when I feared we would have to get an annulment).

One commenter said that she was experiencing much reduced interest in sex post-baby, and that “with all of the lactation hormones . . . [I'm] feeling very protective of my own body, something I never experienced until after I had a baby.” I know another woman who experienced phantom pain and lingering fear, almost, of sex after childbirth.

Maybe this is just Nature’s way of spacing out our babies?

I’m curious as to how giving birth has affected you. Beyond the obvious sleep-deprivation and time-consuming care-of-a-new-infant issues that logistically limit opportunities/desire for sex, did you find yourself feeling more vulnerable or more protective? And has your experience varied after a first, second, third, etc, birth?

And one final, final question: What’s the best thing your husband’s ever done to make you feel desirable? Loved? Eager for intimacy? (I’m looking for hints to give Dick).

Thanks again for your willingness to share your ideas and advice on this topic!

I loved Dooce’s testimonial to the benefits of Getting the Help You Need. Absolutely required reading for anyone who has ever felt remotely out of control. (And who hasn’t?)

We had a friend in Cairo whose father had severe headaches for 12 years after losing an eye and getting a glass prosthetic. When he finally went to see a doctor, they found that his glass eyeball was a size too large. Easily fixed the problem, and bingo, no more headaches. Only think of the 12 YEARS of pain he suffered through.

Though I often feel sad enough or unmotivated enough or anxious enough to take a long “nap” in the middle of the day, which is usually just me with my eyes closed under a heavy blanket, fantasizing what I would do with a million dollars (it’s relaxing), I think my body is regulating my serotonin or whatever pretty well. But if it were not, I would be on the phone to my doctor this minute.

Especially if I were experiencing any other stress in my life, like moving or having kids or not being able to have kids or having a husband or not being able to live with my husband or changing jobs or changing life phases, etc.

So, I am pleased to tell you that I have finally decided to take my own advice. Recent events have shown, again, that marriage is fragile. Dick and I are coming up on the 10-year mark, and for our anniversary, I would like to go to counseling. The In Real Life kind, not just the talk about our sex life on the internet and get really good advice from fellow marrieds kind, though that sparked a lot of good interaction between us.

I talked to Tara about this while we were in Arizona last week, and I admitted that there is one big drawback to the counseling plan. She said, the cost? And I hadn’t really considered that aspect. We can see a good therapist through our church for about 75 dollars a session, which is a lot of money, but not much more than your average couple would spend on a regular date (although not Dick and me; we go to the dollar theater and Mexican hole-in-the-wall type places, but we could save up).

No, the drawback I see is that I already know of a bunch of things I could do to make our marriage better (stop the mean voice, work on my appearance and outlook through exercise and, I don’t know, maybe some lipstick or something, support him in his work, church obligations, and hobbies, stick to our budget, etc). I don’t need a counselor, so it goes, to tell me how to have a better marriage. Why pay good money for what I already know (even if I don’t do)? But maybe that is the same argument other people use to avoid getting help they need.

So we’re gonna go. And while we’re saving up, we’re going to re-read/work John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that Grampa Dave gave us for our fifth anniversary. Here’s an online quiz you can take to gauge how well you know your partner. And there are a bunch of other great quizzes and questionnaires on Martin Seligman’s Authentic Happiness site. Dave gave us his book too, along with that Tale of Two Brains dvd. Think he wants to see our marriage succeed?

I think counseling and couple-help books will work for us, even if we are doing pretty well. Could always be better right?

Since I am not a purist when it comes to cooking or eating, I’ve assembled recipes/methods for everything from easy individual pizzas on frozen dough to gourmet calzones from scratch. And for the sweet tooth, a great dessert pizza.

Whether you’ve got five minutes or fifty, and just a few ingredients in the pantry or lots of fancy fresh ingredients, you can impress your people tonight. Here it is, choose-your-own-adventure dinner, but first, a note for shopping.

At the store

For the crust, you’ll need frozen roll dough or flour, water, salt, yeast, sugar, and oil. Your sauce can be canned crushed tomatoes with Italian herbs or your favorite spaghetti sauce (I like Sandra Lee‘s, minus the mushrooms). Then, whatever toppings you normally like, including fresh basil and alfredo sauce if you want to try bruschetta pizza. Mozzarella, pepperoni, sausage, mushrooms, olives, bell peppers, and for the calzones, also chicken, broccoli, and cheddar or meatballs and barbeque sauce. Whatever.

The only kitchen item that really makes a difference here is a pizza stone. You can get one at Pampered Chef, or do what I did: ask friends if they have any seldom-used bridal shower gifts lying around (thanks, Tracey!). Your pizza stone stays in the oven all the time, requires no cleaning (maybe the occasional rubber-spatula brush-off) and no greasing or cornmeal.

I lost my nice pizza cutter, but have found my butcher knife does a fine job. Oh, and a cutting board for getting the pizza from the oven to the table. Just pull the pizza off the stone with your fingers; or, if you still have feeling in your fingertips, (and really, if you cook a lot, why would you?) use a fork.

Oh, and check the last paragraph for dessert pizza ingredients.

Easiest Pizza

This is great for busy-night dinner. Preheat oven (and stone) to 450. Defrost frozen roll dough (evenly spaced on a plate) for about 10 seconds in the microwave. Roll each ball out to about 5-inch diameter and top as desired. Use enough flour when rolling out so you can transfer the topped pizza from counter to oven with your hands. It’s best to keep these simple so you don’t end up with toppings all over the floor. Bake for about 5 minutes, watching for this look:

Pizza from scratch

Shalece’s Pizza Dough
(makes 2 thick-crust or 4 thin-crust 15-inch pizzas)

Preheat oven to 450. In a small bowl, mix and let sit for 5 minutes:

1 c warm water
1 TBSP or 1 packet instant yeast
2 tsp sugar

In a large bowl:

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp salt
1 TBSP oil

Mix in yeast solution and kneed until smooth. For thick crust, separate into two parts. For thin, four. Roll out to about 15-inch diameter. Use plenty of flour so it doesn’t stick. Poke with a fork all over and place on pizza stone (or on a greased cookie sheet, if you must).

Bake for a few minutes, then pull the oven rack out a ways and top while in the oven. (Uh, be careful to not have kiddies around at this point). Bake for an additional 10-15 minutes, or until crust is golden brown and cheese is bubbly.

For bruschetta pizza (thanks to Shalece’s Argentinian friends!), mix and set aside chopped tomatoes, chopped fresh basil, drizzle of olive oil and pinch of salt before making dough. Top with alfredo sauce and mozzarella, then sprinkle bruschetta mixture on top. Dick says it’s “in the top 10″:

“Gourmet” Calzones

I got the idea for making calzones from i have to say. . . though I found a dough recipe I like better at allrecipes.com. But Randi(?) has great ideas for fillings and amazing pictures of the rolling, filling, and sealing process. Mine did not look like that. They turned out quite edible, however, and are also in Dick’s Top 10.

I brushed mine with butter and garlic bread sprinkle before baking. It is important to not put the sauce inside the calzone. Besides being more authentic, it prevents the filling from sliding out onto your pan/stone. Sauce is for dipping here.

Dessert Pizza

Holy pepperoni this is a long post! I’ll summarize. Try this recipe for Best Rolled Sugar Cookies, rolling the dough (again on a lot of flour) into 8-inch diameters and baking as per blah blah.

Make Whipped Cream Cream Cheese Frosting, and prepare fruit toppings such as canned dark sweet cherries, sliced strawberries, kiwis, and bananas, and, my favorite, blackberries. Frozen blackberries are quite reasonable at Walmart. Let thaw and add sugar to taste. Heaven!

I wish I had a picture of this, but I think we ate it all before I could find the camera. Anyway, this is what works for me on Wednesday, and Thursday, and Friday.

—

And since I still have contest fever, I’m entering this is My Ice Cream Diary’s favorite food experience contest. Obviously I’ve never made all of these foods in one experience, but learning to bake with ‘my’ pizza stone has been, indeed, a revelation. Usually I’m skeptical that some new-fangled (or even old) device can make such a difference, but it can. I’d even spend money to actually buy one for myself, if I had to.

And why do I feel like the guy on the right instead of the girl?

I like to:

• Stay up late
• Drink soda fountain drinks
• Eat French Fries
• Read trashy novels all day
• Ignore my kids while reading trashy novels all day
• Lie on the couch

But I am happy when I:

• Get enough sleep
• Drink lots of water
• Eat stuff I’ve made myself, including Shrek Shakes and Muffins
• Read some scriptures and contemplate the state of my soul
• Interact with happy, well-fed, well-rested children
• Exercise for about 45 minutes

What’s my problem? If it’s all about the journey, or if the process is more important than the product/answer (hey, I remember AP Calculus), then what the heck am I doing wrong? How come what I like to do doesn’t make me happy? And let’s not even talk about the things I THINK would make me happy. What I’ve listed are things I already KNOW make me happy, and yet I still usually prefer to do the other things.

So that’s what’s not working for me today. Any insight would be much appreciated.