Etiquette like that is really important to me — not like that awful writing the formal thank-you notes and rsvp’ing by a certain stressful deadline. Who can take that kind of pressure?

I blog here about the same things as most mommabloggers: naturally, I have a unique perspective and a witty way with words. Really, I blog because otherwise I’d spend ALL my free time locked in the bathroom reading trashy novels cleaning house, and that’s no way to live.

I plan to keep my three girls (Sally 7, Susan 3 1/2, and Spot 18 mo) around because, hey, they give me stuff to write about. And my husband (Dick) is the reason, the reason I get up in the morning (he never turns off his alarm) and the reason I go to bed at night (he nags until I turn out the light).

I thought I’d introduce myself by telling you what I’ve learned in some of the places I’ve been. I’d love to hear what you know and where you come from.

Where I’ve Been

Fort Worth — Chiggers, while high in protein, are not a good baby food.

Fallbrook — A deep (4 ft) hole at the beach feels like the center of the earth.

Twentynine Palms — Hell is a marine town in the desert with a disinterested 3rd grade teacher. Heaven is building intricate irrigation works in the sand with neighborhood kids.

Corvallis — It’s really gloomy (and green, yeah, yeah) when the sun doesn’t come out. Ever.

Salina — Some girls are mean. Really mean. Other girls make being friends the best thing ever. Even if they do end up marrying your 5th grade boyfriend.

Woodland Hills — A small town, made up of people who have moved there on purpose, can be a great place to grow up.

Provo — College really is the best years of your life. Until you get married and that’s the best.

Hon-Atsugi — If you find 100 yen (about a dollar) in a park, you turn it in to the police. And you don’t let your husband go out at night with colleagues.

Harlem — As long as your neighbors know that you’re even poorer than they are, they’ll leave you alone. Until you get pregnant, and then they’ll be really friendly.

The Bronx — To enter the best, best (and worst most challenging) years of your life, start having babies.

Cairo — Everyone should get to have a maid and to be a maid at some point in their life. Surprisingly, it is almost as weird to have one as to be one.

St. Petersburg — “Wet” heat really is worse than dry heat, but it’s a lot easier on your skin.

The West — Someday the grass will be greener right. where. we. are. Someday.

—

Now tell me all about you. Please? Also, check out the list of prizes for the UBP. My good friend Shalece and I are offering one of her unique Fortune Cookie Kits as prize #102. She did all the work, and I’m doing some advertising. If I were remotely entrepreneurally talented, I’d offer something of my own.

As it is, the Fortune Cookie Kit is a great prize; personalized fortune cookies are awesome, and making them is fun, something you can do with the kids (except the folding-the-extremely-hot-cookie part at the end. Turn on Little Einsteins during that part). Okay. Go. Party! Comment.