This morning Crysanthemum and I took our kids to Ikea for breakfast, a little quality time in the Smaland play place, and some organization-supply shopping.
My kids love eating in the Ikea cafeteria, sitting at the familiar little tables in front of retro Goofy cartoons. Plus it’s free this month. Molly wanders around a bit, and I keep a close eye on her because she tries to steal food from other kids’ plates and because although she walks well for an 11-month old, she’s still my baby. As she stood at one of the toys (the cylinders that you spin to line up the three images), a boy about three years old came up beside her and pushed her sqaure in the chest, knocking her back from the toy and into the metal legs of a chair and onto the ground. Molly was unhurt and she didn’t even cry, but I was up and out of my chair, picking her up, and asking the ladies at the next table,
“Is this your kid?”
They shook their heads and I looked up and around, scanning for the kid’s parent. No one stepped forward, so I said,
“This kid just pushed my baby down, whose kid is this?”
A mother came over from the other side of the room as we sat back down, asking,
“Well, what do you expect?”
That stumped me. My kids misbehave, they don’t always want to share or take turns. One of the worst parenting days I’ve had was the time several years ago in Cairo that I bragged that Avery wasn’t a biter and five minutes later she bit the boy whose biting had occasioned my boast.
But I don’t let them get away with pushing littler kids down. And probably this is sexist of me, but the fact that it was a bigger boy child pushing my baby girl child around somehow made it seem worse. Maybe I’ve just been lucky with my girls, maybe I don’t understand or fully empathize with how naturally physical and rough boys can be. But still, I expect you to not let your son push my baby girl down. That’s what I expect. I expect you to watch your child and correct him if he does things like that.
(I also love the idea of Free Range Kids — I want my kids to work it out on the playground and the playroom. I’m not a referee, I don’t like tattling; if there’s no blood, I don’t want to hear about it. But she’s my baby. Can I be a Free-Ranger-with-caveats-for-my-baby?)
The mom picked up her little boy and told him to say he was sorry. He ignored her for a few seconds and then muttered,
”Sorry.”
I said, in that overly-bright-encouraging voice, “Thanks for apologizing.”
The mom and the boy and what looked like the grandmother left several minutes later.
We finished breakfast and as I was putting our dirty dishes away a different woman approached me and said:
“Like your kids have never done anything to another kid. I hope you’re ashamed, you made a huge spectacle and really embarrassed that lady and her son has a disability and I hope you feel embarrassed of yourself.”
I got that fluttery feeling in my stomach, the guilty headache, the sinking sick feeling that I had really messed up. I took my kids to the bathroom and came back. I saw the second woman sitting back in her seat and I went over to her. I asked if she knew the woman, and she said,
“No, but why would that matter?”
I said, “I just wondered if you knew her so you could tell her that I was sorry.”
“Oh, but you made a terrible spectacle, you embarrassed her in front of everyone.”
I said, “I didn’t mean to make a scene, I just wanted to know where the boy’s parents were,” and she blew up at me. She said I did make a spectacle and everyone was staring and she knows the family from the agency and the kid has autism and she knows how hard it is for them when people like me make big spectacles. I tried to apologize again, and she said,
“I hope you’re not LDS, because if you are then that was even more embarrassing.”
I admitted I am LDS and that, again, I was sorry, I hadn’t realized so many people were watching, or that it was that big a deal. She wouldn’t stop berating me, and I finally left mid-sentence.
I wish I were a good enough person (or at least a good enough blogger) to figure out a neat way to draw out the moral or ending of this story. I still feel jittery inside about it. I wish I hadn’t made that mom feel bad, but I also wish her son hadn’t pushed my baby down, and while I know it was the right thing to walk away from the second lady, I wish I could make her admit that at least there were a number of things I didn’t do in my spectacle: I didn’t yell or swear or call the mother or the boy names. I thought I had handled it okay. (In retrospect not great, of course.)
But I hate that I made it harder for the other mother. The other day Lucy told me that her “eye muscle” makes it so that the cherry tomato under the fridge looks like it’s six inches to the left of where it really is. I’d forgotten I’d even explained to her and her sisters about her eye a few months ago. She’s totally fine with it. It’s just a trick she can do with her Duane Syndrome.
And that “disability” is freaking nothing compared to autism. I know that. I know how lucky we are, how easy we have it (knock on wood, it’s plenty hard even typical-ish, which makes me feel that much worse, augh.)
Last week I started crying when I quietly responded to my girls in line at Thanksgiving Point that the reason that big boy talks and laughs too loud is because his brain works differently and that’s okay, and I made my grandma angry when I said that if there’s a way to fix things like my Aunt Coco’s Down Syndrome then of course we should fix them. (I think we agreed, or should have, that there is a gray area between obvious cosmetic surgery and chromosomal therapies, with fraught stops along the way for things like growth hormone for very short children and cochlear implants for deaf people.)
Is there a way to talk about this without sounding like an ass? I love how Amy talks about it.
I think I’ve figured out the moral. Avery was with me when the second lady wouldn’t accept my apology on behalf of the other mother. She was instantly defensive, saying, that lady has a baby of her own, how would she feel if it was her baby who got pushed down?
But it wasn’t really about Molly or even the boy (who is probably young enough to quickly forget and forgive), and it most certainly shouldn’t be about the second lady, whose voice in my head I’m going to do my best to ignore even though she succeeded in making me feel bad and making me think again (and again) about how I act and the example I set for my own kids.
So –
Dear Mother of the Child who could be My Child Next Week,
I am sorry, more sorry than I can say. I am sorry I overreacted and drew attention to you in a public place. I know you’re doing your best and I’m sorry that I made it harder. Please forgive me.
Yours in motherhood-is-hard-solidarity,
Shannon
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I think realizing that the little boy didn’t push your daughter out of deliberate unkindness even though it was very unkind of the second lady to climb up on her high horse to point it out, is a good start. I think it reminds us that even in dealing with other adults, we never really know their motivations or where they’re coming from. And it’s a good idea to give everyone we come in contact with the benefit of the doubt.
Thank you for the reminder. It’s an area I can always improve in.
I still don’t understand the “What do you expect?” I mean, if it wasn’t obvious that the boy had a disability, the mother shouldn’t expect that everyone would understand that and therefore excuse some of his behavior. Of course, who knows what the first mother has dealt with in the past, but you think that she would diffuse the situation as soon as she could by explaining that her son has a disability or simply apologizing on his behalf or making a point of making sure that your baby is okay. Sounds like a lot of people were having a bad day.
I was once at the park as a single mother, with my friend who was a single father, and our children were together for the first time playing on the playground. We (adults) were chatting on lawn chairs and watching the kids play, and even though we had spent some time together as friends, I didn’t know my friend very well. His daughter slapped another girl on the playground on the face, and I found out how little I did know my friend! He didn’t even get up from his chair. He called out to his daughter to go apologize to the girl who had run to her mother or babysitter. Mother/Babysitter shot us curious (angry?) glances and I was stunned. I’m sure they thought that here was the offending girl’s mother and father doing (practically) nothing about their daughter’s rude behavior. In retrospect, I wish I had gone over and done my usual thing as if it had been my daughter who’d done the slapping, because I was appalled that my friend just sat there.
Anyway, I’m sorry for the ickiness of your experience. We’ve all had situations we wish we could do over.
Shannon,
You are a momma bear! We are built with mother instincts because that’s how our species survived thousands of years before inventing the wheel. You made an innocent mistake, but please don’t beat yourself up. When reflecting upon any kind of incident where I feel guilty about something, I always ask: what was my intention? Your intention was nothing but honorable. You were protecting your baby and trying to make sense of the situation. Sure, you could have done x, y, or z differently, but in the same vein the boy’s mother could have been more gracious/explanatory/apologetic.
It only takes a silly incident like this to set off the woman-who-no-one-listens-to-anymore-so-she-yells-at-strangers. Don’t let that woman get to you. And please, don’t let her nasty voice question your faith! Like she is the end all authority on how someone who is LDS should behave, pah-lease!
As a mother of a child with a disability, I can see both sides of this story. Our daughter is 4, but developmentally she is about 9 months old. She is a pusher/hair puller. Every time she does it, I remove her from the situation and remind her to be gentle. I know that she can learn, it just takes her a lot longer to learn things. And I refuse to use her disability as an excuse for her behavior. But it is also extremely embarrassing for me, because most people just see a 4 year old who doesn’t know how to behave. Her disability is similar to autism in that there aren’t really any physical characteristics identifying her as “different.” I don’t understand the mother’s behavior. I would apologize profusely if she were to hit another kid. I don’t follow her around constantly, but I also try to be aware of what she is doing when we are in public.
I also really don’t understand the woman who berated you. She berated you for causing a scene, but she also caused a scene and embarrassed you! If she really felt strongly about the situation, I see nothing wrong with her nicely explaining to you that she knows that that boy has autism and she is concerned that you embarrassed the mother, but there was no need to harass and berate you in public.
And as for the “I hope you’re not LDS” comment, nothing makes me more mad than that sentiment! Just because you are LDS does not mean that you aren’t allowed to make mistakes once in awhile.
I agree with the first comment, we can all try a little harder to remember that we don’t know the whole story behind someone’s behavior and be a little kinder and tolerant.
1. If he was disabled, why were they not supervising him more closely? Yes, they ought to be ashamed of themselves! I always watch my kids closely and they aren’t disabled. I’d never lose track of them in a crowded public place like that. It should be triple supervision for a disabled child.
2. Never apologize to a person like that. Every time you apologized you gave her furter permission to berate you.
3. When I am in a situation like that I speak to the child, because the vast majority of the time their parents are useless, hence the behavior. I tell the child “pushing / hitting / biting isn’t nice, it’s bad manners.” Then I tell the hurt child the same thing.
Danielle Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 10:54 am
Seriously? What a lame comment! Kids with disabilities have the right to play at a play area as much as anyone else. Why wasn’t the baby more supervised? I have an 8 month-old little girl and I wouldn’t be more than a step away from her in a public playground for the reason of protecting her from other kids. If you are at a play area, it is your responsibility to protect your kid from the other kids that are there….What do you expect at a place kids are running around playing? You shouldn’t leave a baby Vulnerable like that. Autism or not,3 year old little boys push and if you don’t want your kid to be pushes, stay close enough to protect them, or don’t go to the playground.
Shannon Reply:
September 9th, 2011 at 3:06 pm
I’m sorry if my post wasn’t clear. I was just a step away from my 11 month-old, which is why I saw it happen and was able to pick her up immediately (I noted in my post that she didn’t even cry. If I’d been further away, I probably would not have even known that anything happened, which might have been better all around, since there was no harm done and it feels like I overreacted, which is the point of my post and my apology).
The mother of the other child was across the room, blocked from view by several tables and chairs and the tray-shelf area at IKEA where people are supposed to return their dishes after eating. It wasn’t at a playground, it wasn’t a place where kids are running around playing, it was a restaurant where there are a couple vertical toy/pictures that kids can look at and touch. Autism or not, I think all children should be supervised, and if they act in unacceptable ways (pushing a smaller child down is not something I let my kids get away with) they should apologize and be redirected to some other activity.
The autism thing is pretty incidental to this story. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I want to always act with empathy, so I need to think how things will affect others before I speak. I can’t change how anyone else acts or speaks to me, but I can control myself, and that is my goal.
Shannon,
Who cares what the second lady said. Who was she to make a comment to you in the first place. I’m only sorry you apologized to her so much.
As for the boy, disability or not, an apology was in place.
Honestly, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Just because the child who pushed down your child has autism doesn’t mean he shouldn’t learn to say sorry like any other child. The only wrong I see in this story is the lady who blamed you for making a spectacle while she did so herself.
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You are a great mom.
Wow, this story evokes all kinds of feelings. The second lady was totally out of line. The first mom could have just been exhausted and not willing to fight this one last apology of the day. But, “I hope your not LDS?” that comment is so wrong. I think you were in the right the whole time.
Disability or not… that mother should have had the common courtesy to get up off her butt and apologize on behalf of her child. It would have taken mere seconds and kept a “scene” (that wasn’t really a scene I’m sure)from ever even occurring. Kids can be aggressive or mean, but just allowing them to be so teaches them that that is acceptable. And that second woman is a real piece of work… I hope she somehow reads this and feels some of the embarrassment that she subjected you to.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. After reading your story I immediately thought what have I done with my 4 girls when they have been accosted. Since I’m a male my tolerance for the push or be pushed rule of law on a playground is much higher. I consider myself protective but at the same time I have a desire for my girls to be tough (sigh, don’t all father’s have such futile desires). However I’m failing miserably as illustrated once when I killed a fish in their presence and they cried for hours aghast that their dad was such a monster. My first thoughts are of sincere compassion for both you and the other mother, not so much for the lady who questioned your membership in the LDS faith. I recently read one of Elder Maxwell’s early articles titled “Notwithstanding My Weakness.” Elder Maxwell’s main message was simply that we beat ourselves up too much. “Some of us who would not chastise a neighbor for his frailties have a field day with our own. Some of us stand before no more harsh a judge than ourselves, a judge who stubbornly refuses to admit much happy evidence and who cares nothing for due process. Fortunately, the Lord loves us more than we love ourselves.” Shannon I feel that as Maxwell suggested you are refusing to admit much evidence of a compassionate woman who under duress attempted to find a way to apologize for a supposed mishap despite a harsh response while trying to do so.
I had all these things to say that I just keep deleting. It’s hard to be a mom. No matter what, both of you did what you thought was best at the time. And I guess the yelling lady did what she thought was best, too. But I’m sorry you got yelled at. Trying to make it right and getting blasted isn’t what you needed.
Aww…sorry you were put in such an awful horrible position.
I confess that when my eldest was young he was a biter, a kicker, a deliberate-mower-down-of-babies and a child who took huge glee and laughter in causing other children pain, despite all my attempts at stopping him. Many’s the time we arrived somewhere and had to leave within 10 mins! It seemed to be a character trait (he wasn’t autistic but showed many spectrum characteristics when he was younger) rather than a parenting problem as my subsequent kids were never as bad. Yeah, it was embarrassing and I had many ‘encounters’ with other parents of small children…But, I just used to apologise and get over it. It was part and parcel of being a mum.
I think the second lady was OTT. Maybe I’m being ignorant, but what’s being LDS got to do with it? It sounded like a spiteful comment said just to make you feel worse.
btw, having boys IS different. Having had two of them I am so much more tolerant of the rough and tumble. It’s a very different way of life to having my third, a girl.
As the parent of a child with a disability (not always obvious on first glance), I have learned to let a lot of things just roll. My daughter’s disability is *not* an excuse for mean behavior. It may take her more times of apologizing, explanation, and removal from the situation. It does not mean she is “allowed” to behave badly. I also am more of a “free range” parent in that, my children wander…
It’s possible the offending child’s mother was embarrassed. She owns that feeling, not you. You asking where she was did not seem to be offensive to me at all. I depend on my “village” to help me have extra pairs of eyes. I want them to tell me when my children need my help. I am also a momma bear and very protective of my babies.
I don’t know what my point is, I’m rambling…
I think just to tell you that I see that you are still uncomfortable with this exchange. If you had known, what would you have done differently? Would you not have wanted to know where the child’s mother was? Would you have kept Molly away from the “disabled kid”? It seems to me that your choices would probably have remained similar (or at least they would have if you were me
, you just would have hoped that others had responded differently. Unfortunately, we can’t do that. 
Dealing with things that bring guilt (children with disabilities, knowing that parenting is hard and the belief that parents of kids with disabilities have it harder, and guilt that you feel like your daughter’s own difficulties are too hard/but not hard enough)are never easy. We all do the best we can with what we have.
That has to be enough.
If it makes you feel any better, you’re not the one in jeopardy of a $250,000 fine or up to 10 years in prison. http://www.ama-assn.org/ama/pub/physician-resources/solutions-managing-your-practice/coding-billing-insurance/hipaahealth-insurance-portability-accountability-act/hipaa-violations-enforcement.page
I’m especially stunned by the “I hope you’re not LDS” from someone who was doing the exact thing she was publicly berating and embarrassing you for…
And if that other mother was still there, I’m sure the most embarrassing part of the entire encounter would have been this other lady’s behavior (and the lady’s broadcasting her personal struggles with her child).
(And great point, Brad.)
Wow. Definitely mixed emotions as I read this post. Most of all, though, tolerance and kindness were what came to mind. Mommy #1′s question, “What do you expect?” seemed an out of place comment. What was it that she expected you to know? It’s not like we walk around with place cards declaring “I have autism.” or “I’m having a bad day.” (Though maybe some days we should!) Shouldn’t we show a bit of tolerance to those that are ignorant of our situation? And Mommy#2… She certainly could have approached the situation with an abundance more of both!
Shannon, I so admire you for writing about your adventures in Mommyhood and how brave and generous you are at sharing them with us. I definitely agreed with Mark’s comment regarding Elder Maxwell’s talk. It sounds like you did the best you could under those circumstances. I hope that you’ve been able to show yourself some kindness and love it all out!
You’re being way too hard on yourself. You are a mother first. It is your duty to protect your child. Second, autistic children have to learn like other children (and I have two autistic nephews) that they can’t hurt other children. I don’t believe you have a mean bone in your body. I don’t think you intentionally tried to hurt anyone’s feelings. You were doing what you had to do as a parent — protect your baby. It doesn’t matter what anyone else in the park saw or thought.
Dear Shannon,
this is a great post and I really enjoyed the comments. I’m especially interested because … 1) I am the king of regret for rash words — where do you think you got any tendency for that?, and … 2) I’ve seen lot’s of misbehaving kids (in the exam room) and mom’s who respond with a great variety of reactions.
Bottom line — 1) you didn’t do anything wrong, though of course, we can all improve our tone at times, 2) all parents regardless of the kid’s disabilities or the parents’ history, are always responsible for their kids’ behavior; and 3) my respect for you has gone up for your actions overall in this thing. 4) ignore the second woman who is obviously struggling w her own issues.