Normally I am against arguments such that the times we live in (furthered by the technology we use) are the worst ever. Like, arguments that Facebook is increasing divorce. Yes, some people meet cheating partners online, but don’t you think those people would meet them somewhere else anyway?
But some things are so ridiculous it seems they could only happen online. Today I’m thinking of obliviousness of argument, or unself-awareness to the point of un(self)consciousness.
On Facebook this morning a lady made pointed remarks about mothers who “ignore” their kids at the park in favor of texting. Now, I don’t have a pony in this race. I don’t text. It costs me twenty-five cents every time some uninitiated (or incorrigible) person texts me. Don’t do it unless what you have to say is worth a quarter. (Just email me, I get it on my phone, k? Love you!)
This lady said that obviously you are at the playground or waterpark to be with your kids, so get off your rump and play with them, implying that to do otherwise was a gross dereliction of motherhood, The Tooth Fairy, and Our Troops Overseas. (I may have inferred those last two.)
Later she backpedaled except not really, she just said that since she and her husband work outside the home they are careful to really “be” there when it is their time with their daughter. In fact, they “don’t even answer the phone during dinner . . . crazy I know!”
Really? You’re going to play some holier-than-thou card? When the obvious, the OBVIOUS response is: If I’m ignoring my kid when I take her (them, all four of them) to the park for the express purpose of having five minutes to read my book or check my blog stories while my kids run wild and free in the fresh summer air, then you are ignoring your kids all day at work.
I didn’t say that, of course. Such a comment would be stupid and rude and possibly an ad hominem attack if I knew what that meant, and I have no interest in fanning a mommy war and it’s not even really the content that bothers me but that someone could be So Incredibly Unaware of the easy rebuttal.
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heh. I so completely agree. Also, I take my kids to the park so THEY can play on the playground. I’m not about to climb up there and go down the slides and hang on the equipment. My kids are the monkeys and since I have no good climbing equipment at home, I take them so they can play. That’s not our time at all – it’s theirs.
Also, I agree with you about the rebuttal.
My mom usually took us to the park along and had one of her mom friends come too, so they would have some “girl talk” while we kids played to our hearts content. Of course, they did make sure we didn’t kill ourselves or each other. We didn’t hate them for not playing with us–in fact, we could have cared less because they paid plenty of attention to us at home
1. Definitely no great sin to allow my children to learn to play with their peers without constant helicopter supervision. As someone who DOES get to stay home with her kids full-time, I’m pretty experienced with being able to monitor my kids while I work on something else. Plus I can’t leave the one-year-old by herself or take her up on the jungle gym.
2. Obvious rebuttals: I have a fantastic example, but if I shared it publicly, I’d hate to risk losing my friend. (Also didn’t call her on it on her blog.) (I’m a model of restraint, eh?)
Shannon Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 8:18 pm
Serious model of restraint, Jordan. (and I am dying to hear it. Maybe over email??)
I was thinking along the same lines as Heather. Don’t people take the kids to the park so that the KIDS can burn off some energy? Ha. And I don’t even have kids.
So now I have to tell you a story. My sister and I were at a park with a bunch of other mothers, and one of them told a story of how her kid asked a girl if he would play with her and the girl just stuck her nose up in the air and ignored him. Her problem wasn’t what the girl did–she was mad because the mom didn’t do anything about it. I thought, “Wait, I’m pretty sure my sister wouldn’t have done anything either.” So I turned to her, and she said, “Actually, I don’t think I would have done anything if James did that. If he doesn’t want to play with someone, he doesn’t have to.”
“You’d probably reply to the kid yourself though, right? Just so he wouldn’t stand there hopefully?” I asked, and got the affirmative. The mother was a bit shocked that we both agreed the mother didn’t need to force the girl to play with her kid or even to apologize.
What my sister has found appalling is the time that a mom and her kids dumped a bunch of sand toys on the playground at a public park and proceeded to do other stuff. Then my nephew started playing with the toys and the mom came over to my sister, “Your kid is playing with our toys.” Obviously she thought that was a problem. So my sister pulled my nephew away, but when he went back to the not-being-played-with toys, the mom came over again. So Amy took my nephew and left the park.
Now that mom doesn’t know park etiquette, does she?
I think one of the main reasons (excuses) why I’ve slacked off on my mommy blogging duties is because of this — because every post started feeling like a defense of my parenting decisions, and frankly I no longer care (aka too busy parenting to defend myself). The sweeping stereotypes and judgements that have entered the world of mothering has just grown to the point of absurdity – like the 24 hour news networks, creating controversy where there is none.
Oh for goodness sakes. Some kids don’t even WANT you to play with them at the playground: it’s just that they can’t drive themselves there, so they have to haul you along as transportation, and then you can save them if they climb up too high and need help getting down.
Also I hate playing on playgrounds. I like playing in many, many other ways with my child, and we talk constantly, and we’re not going to have a deep meaningful conversation on a slide.
Also, I cannot imagine a parent (working or otherwise) who never uses an activity to buy a little time to wash the dishes, lie down for a couple minutes, read an email, return a phone call, regain sanity, etc., etc., etc. Don’t we all have distractions we can serve up for our children so they’re happy (aka well-nurtured, well-parented) while we take care of ourselves, other children, or work stuff, or home stuff?
People. Weird. (But, sadly, I HAVE heard people say absurd hate-y crap like this in person, not just online.)
One of my favorite stories (don’t know if it was made up or true) is about a mother of many who took her kids to Central Park in NYC and sat them around her in a big circle. She informed them that she needed to take a nap, and it was their job to sit and guard her so no one would kidnap her. I smile everytime I think of it.
I have a theory that one of the plusses of being home with a stay-at-home mother is that a child learns that adults don’t simply exist for his or her benefit; adults (should) have other things to do than spend every minute watching and responding to every “I wanna . . .” that the child may utter. I realize that plenty of kids in daycare are ignored way too much (and probably plenty of kids at home), but daycare workers are paid to watch the children as their full-time job. Just a thought.
Michelle Glauser Reply:
July 13th, 2011 at 12:16 pm
Nancy, I love your story.
I say shout that rebuttal far and wide. I get bored out of my mind at the park if I don’t have a cell phone or girlfriend with me because my kids are happily engaged on the playground. They could care less that I’m doing. When the occasional, “Hey, Mom! Look at me!” or “Come help me on the monkey bars” rolls around, I’m there. Otherwise, I’m getting a little R&R on the sidelines.
Heather,
You kill me! I love reading your blog because your perspective and wit shine through every word. I’m not a mom, Mormon, or missionary, but your writing is accessible to me nonetheless. Brava!