(Updated: This post won’t make sense unless you read the previous one. When I said it might sound defensive or self-righteous (really I mean judgemental) it was because I feared it would sound like I am judging those who I consider to be judgemental about clothing/appearance and that it might sound defensive because it is a response to the comments on that previous post, NOT a response to anyone’s appearance. So when I say in the second paragraph that dress standards would be superficial, I am poking at those in the church that I see as elevating modesty to the pinnacle of righteousness, NOT at people who want to wear pants to church. Make sense?)
I know a couple who investigated the Church very seriously. Like, “read the entire Book of Mormon AND Doctrine and Covenants and attended church regularly for months” seriously. And in the end they didn’t join the church because, the wife said, she didn’t want to give up tank tops and wine.
So, that’s a pretty silly, superficial reason to not join the church, right? I mean, if you had a testimony, you wouldn’t let something so trivial stand in the way.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so on the wrong side of the consensus of my self-selected peer group, and really, I agree with everything you said. Missionaries should be modest, well-groomed, attractive-as-can-be, professional, confident, etc. Color and choice are good! Style and first impressions are important! Makeup is not the devil! Probably!
But here’s the other thing I heard several times: that the Dress and Grooming standards are great and necessary for someone else. My mission companion who was a frump, those skanks at my cousin’s wedding/Relief Society last week. A few people said they would’ve appreciated the guidelines when preparing for their own missions, but the overwhelming agreement was that someone else needs to dress differently.
In fetishizing modesty and lionizing good grooming for our missionaries, we are fostering a culture in which prospective investigators may not feel welcome. This is a little counterproductive, no?
We are obsessed with appearance and perception. The I am a Mormon campaign highlights outliers to prove we are not Amish, but rather just like you! In all your diverse wonderfulness! Then General Conference shows that we are white, male, middle-aged-to-elderly and like to wear dark suits, white shirts, and red ties. What happens when someone sees one of the cool I am a Mormon ads, joins the church because they thought they’d fit in, then attends church after the honeymoon activation period and realizes that they’re actually not gonna be acceptable until they buy a new wardrobe?
Here’s my theory on why we care so much about what we look like: we know we can’t see what is inside other people, we believe in personal revelation, in private relationships with our Heavenly Father unmediated by anyone other than Jesus Christ, but also, we have to know, we need a way to tell who else is one of us, who else believes as we do, who is devoted and sincere and obedient, and since we can’t see the heart, we see the face, the clothes, the hair.
After all, we should see His image in our countenances. The light of Christ should be recognizable. If someone has had that mighty change of heart, that awesome, life-altering witness, surely it must leave some mark. It should show.
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The thing is, this only seems to hold true in “Zion.” I haven’t lived west of the Mississippi for 12 years, and I’ve found that the dress standards are much more lax. Really, the only people who seem to get their G’s in a twist about it are the ones who have transplanted there from a lifetime in Utah or Idaho.
In the German ward we shared a building with in Germany, pants for women seemed pretty standard.
In our current ward in Tennessee, pants, tank tops, tattoos, piercings and facial hair are pretty normal occurrences. Our ward encompasses an area of extreme poverty, and our ward leadership has adopted the attitude that being at church in the clothes they own is far better than NOT being at church because they can’t afford to dress like the missionaries. Instead of preaching about the specifics of modesty, we teach about the spirit of modesty. We focus more on God loving everyone, no matter what we look like or wear. We don’t even have an unspoken white-shirt-to-pass-the-sacrament rule, because there are lots of boys from families where the cost of a white shirt would mean they didn’t eat dinner that week. Personal worthiness is emphasized as the most important requirement to participate in a sacred ordinance. Not the color of one’s shirt.
Their change of heart shows in their words and deeds, which is how it should be. I’ve know a whole lot of Anthropologie wearing, well groomed, modestly dressed JERKS in wards I’ve been in.
Brandi Reply:
June 30th, 2011 at 7:20 am
I should probably clarify that I mean pants on WOMEN and facial hair on MEN are common occurrences.
Shannon Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 10:54 am
MotherShip Reply:
June 30th, 2011 at 9:26 am
I agree with Brandi. I am from an area outside of the Mormon Culture Zone and, when I lived there recently, was surprised at the “uniform.” I am modest and wear only those clothes that cover my shoulders, belly and knees because I have made covenants to do so. That is an important factor. In the same breath, however, I don’t want to look like everyone else. Now that we have moved again, it seems to be much less of an issue (not the modesty, but the sameness of dress). I do think that what we wear helps to determine our actions, but within reason. I’m not going to wear capris, layered undershirts, and ballet flats!
Shannon Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 10:55 am
You guys are right. Maybe this is another adjustment I’m needing to make. We lived outside Utah (in Japan, NYC, Cairo, Florida) for 10 years, and have been back here for 2. I love my ward and have no complaints there, but yeah….
This is one of the best things I’ve read in a while. Mormons really are obsessed with appearances.
Shannon Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 10:57 am
Thanks for your comment. I was feeling horrible about this post (worried I had offended everyone), and I’m glad it resonated with some people!
Shannon Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 11:27 am
Though I think Americans (Westerners? People of Earth?) are obsessed with appearances in general. We’re certainly not alone.
I don’t think the men’s facial hair thing has been as much of an issue recently as it used to be. Or has it? One question I had while looking through the appearance guidelines was, “What if that smiling black girl had real dreadlocks? Would she have been included in the pictures? I don’t think so. That bugs.
Shannon Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 10:57 am
Yeah, I wonder. Knowing just a tiny bit of the Kafka-ian correlation process, it does make you wonder…
I was NOT a cute, coordinating-outfit sister missionary. I wore clothes that my mother was willing to buy for me, meaning VERY conservative (the dress and grooming guidelines back in the day were SO MUCH WORSE). Plus, I served in a mission and climate that got me depressed and fat. When I look at pics from my mission I shudder (“Yikes! Was that what I looked like?!”). Oh well. I laugh now remembering how the Mission President’s wife took a few sister missionaries under her wing to introduce them to make-up (and, at the time, I thought I was doing good!).
I just got back from visiting my mission (1st time back) and loved seeing old friends and families. And guess what? They cared about me back then and now because of our common love and testimonies of Jesus Christ – not because of how I look(ed).
Even will all the effort I’ve put in to try “improving” myself post-mission, all I have to do is check out my friend’s photos on Facebook to see the endless number of gorgeous girls with perfect faces, perfect make-up, styled hair, designer clothes and cute, fit bodies to make me hate myself. Imagine for a moment what a YSA ward is like today (ignoring the rampant immodesty). Let’s just say I would have stopped going to church a LONG time ago if I didn’t have a testimony about what it’s all about.
Best wishes for your daughters! I know 0% about being a parent; so, all I can do is offer my hope that they will find out sooner than later what really brings lasting happiness in life. Looking good can put a smile on the face – but feeling good radiates through the entire soul.
Shannon Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 10:58 am
Thank you, Stella. I am going to cry now (in the good way). You are beautiful, inside and out, and inside!
I never noticed it so much as when I visited Utah this past month. It made me really appreciate being home in California. And even though there are people there I miss, and people there I still want to meet in real life, I don’t have any desire to live there again. Maybe it’s Utah County more than just Utah as a whole. But in my opinion, it’s a whole different experience outside the state. And then again, that may just be comparing military wards (what I have experience with). Something thought provoking as always.
I ♥ your blog.
Brandi Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 6:10 am
Hmmm, my experience has also been with wards that are about 90% military. Maybe it’s just military wards that aren’t so uptight.
Shannon Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 11:00 am
Thanks, Nikki. Like I responded earlier, I was feeling horrible about offending everyone, so I’m glad you like it!
I’m in Utah County myself, but I live in a ward that’s pretty much all poor young marrieds trying to keep food on the table. So, there really isn’t a whole lot of “you have to look like this” in my ward. At least, if there is, I haven’t seen it. I know I got lucky in the ward department; my in-laws are also in Utah County and they’ve got stories.
But from what I understand, it’s only Utah County.
Shannon Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 11:01 am
I actually love Utah County for its unapologetic Mormonness, and my current ward is fantastic, but I definitely know what you’re talking about. And probably I did a lot of projecting when I initially saw the website.
I do think there’s a difference between what’s quite reasonably expected of a full-time sister missionary and what’s reasonable to expect of an investigators, new members, or even long-time members with a nonconformist approach. Or anyway, I hope so. My stake president (here in Utah Valley) has talked about remembering people attending church smelling like smoke or looking like they just rolled out of bed in his youth and how nobody remarked on it or shunned them, and that he fears we may have become less accepting. He said this in Stake Conference with the advice that we be very accepting and remember that we all have our imperfections, visible or not, and none of us should judge. Unfortunately it does seem there’s often (in my experience) some uptight member who will take it upon themselves to set someone straight if they thinks they’re violating a dress code. (Not to mention the temple worker who, seeing my sister’s simple-but-elegant wedding dress, sweetly asked her if she would be changing into a “pretty dress” after the ceremony. OH THE NERVE. I think it did hurt my sister’s feelings, but at the same time she recognized that the sister was off her rocker and not speaking officially for the Church.)
On the other hand, I do think that any of us who feels loved unconditionally will often eventually adapt our clothing on our own as we get their own testimony of the principle of modesty, and also want to fit in with our peer group.
I did hear of a mission where elders were told NOT to wear suit jackets and ties, because in that area that was a visual cue that you were a member of the Mob.
And I’m sad to say that in my ward facial hair on men will ALWAYS draw lots of comments. Although there are also a lot of men who sport mustaches and beards, so I guess they have just toughed out the comments. I’m sure the comments also die down after a while. But I’ve seen things like when a young man grows a beard for a theatrical production his family will take great pains to make sure everyone knows it’s only for the show. Which is funny to me.
Heather Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 4:30 pm
Thanks for saying what I wanted to say. There are plenty of members of the church inside Utah and out that take it upon themselves to “fix” the less perfect among us. And there are plenty of misguided leaders who do the same. The key to the standards is that we dress our best. After all, we’re trying to honor God with our presence, right?
Roughly 8 years ago, a letter was sent to the individual wards throughout the church (at least in the US) telling the leaders not to have facial hair. At the time, I lived in Alaska, where almost all men have facial hair, and this was a big deal.
As styles and times change, so does the counsel to the Church members. And it is counsel, not commandment.
Also, I saw “Stella” while she was on her mission and not once did I think she looked anything other than beautiful. We are our own worst enemies…
I wish Zina’s stake president would speak to the church regularly. We all need to remember to be understanding and less judgmental.
Shannon Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 7:37 pm
Yep. (appreciate your whole comment but) the beard-for-theater thing is funny. Our 2nd counselor grew one for months last year, and I swear they worked it into every Sac Mtg that it was for the Hill Cumorah pageant. Though really I think they were just teasing him mostly, bec it was a full Moses thing, not trendy scruff.
There are some wrong words there where I edited but missed something. Oh, well.
I tend to side with your “self-selected peer group” on the dress and grooming standards, especially given the mission context. I just don’t see it as a big deal.
Unfortunately, criticism of dress/grooming at church isn’t exclusive to Utah. One of the most infuriating experiences I can recall had to do with dress standards at church. I was serving a mission in northern Argentina. Members were generally on the poor side and were dressed accordingly, so expectations weren’t too high. Two ladies – early 20s, intelligent, educated (which was a rarity) – that we had taught joined the church. They had accepted the assignment to teach a primary class together and were very excited. They showed up for church the next Sunday only to be reamed, at some point during the services, by the Relief Society president because they were wearing….pants, not skirts or dresses. They were wearing nice dress pants, but it wasn’t good enough. Both were very upset – one never fully recovered, the other did. The RS president got an earful from us.
My grandmother has the same problem – she’s informed her non-LDS sister multiple times that she could not attend family special occasions at church because she doesn’t own a dress/skirt. We’ve told the aunt that she can wear whatever she likes, but she’s always chosen to not attend, likely to avoid causing problems with her sister.
Nothing like people completely missing the point about the purpose of church attendance.
(sorry to intrude on what seems to be a female-dominated audience here)
Comments are closed on your praying in church post but I wanted to share my $.02 on that subject, so feel free to delete/move/whatever this.
I was executive secretary in our ward a couple of years ago and had the responsibility to line up the prayers for sacrament meeting. It was a much harder job that you’d think – turns out a lot of people have a serious fear of praying in public. Sometimes, on a Saturday afternoon (yeah, bad time to get a hold of people), it’d take me an hour to find two people. I lined the prayers up without regard for gender – woman/man, woman/woman, man/man – I didn’t care as long as I actually found people that were willing.
One Sunday morning in bishopric meeting the topic of sacrament prayers came up. One of the counselors (your typical self-righteous/has the fix for everyone else’s problems/know-it-all kind) brought up the “priesthood has to open the meeting” nonsense. I told him, given the difficulty of finding people to pray in the first place, there was no way I was going to respect that unless given strict orders from my superior, i.e., the bishop. The bishop remained silent.
On an interesting (to me), semi-related note – it’s always bothered me a little that the presiding priesthood holder is served the sacrament first. What’s the purpose there? Aren’t we all equal, especially in terms of the ordinance of the sacrament? I have always assumed that this was just widespread tradition. A couple of weeks ago I decided to look it up in the handbook. What do you know – it’s actually in there.
(sorry again)
Shannon Reply:
July 12th, 2011 at 12:15 pm
Brett — comments close after a week now because I was getting so much spam; glad you just replied here. Also, it’s funny how men often apologize when commenting on my blog. My favorite conversational partner (before, during, after my blog posts) is my husband, and he’s a man.
So, good point on the dress standards — that what’s expected of missionaries can/should be totally different than what’s expected of investigators, but eventually we want investigators to become missionaries (even if not full-time), right? So it seems to me there’s still some tension there.
And on the prayers — it’s so interesting to me — if you look at one of the previous commenters, they’re like, what’s the big deal, this isn’t even an issue, but clearly it is/has been….
I was thinking about this post today after church. We had a potluck lunch, and there was a new family there who had just arrived from Utah. It was their first time living out of the state, with the exception of the husband’s mission. The wife was sitting, chatting with several of the women and was completely flabbergasted that no one knew what Shabby Apple was. She was truly befuddled that in a room full of Mormon women, only two of us had ever heard of it (and the two of us who knew only knew because we’re avid blog readers and had seen giveaways featuring S.A.). I don’t really have a point, I just found it amusing and it reminded me of this post.
Sheila Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 8:25 am
I love this! I am way outside of Utah, and I only know what “Shabby Apple” is because of blogs (the clothes or whatever there don’t interest me). I am sure none of my friends have heard of it. Just really made me laugh!
Shannon Reply:
July 12th, 2011 at 12:30 pm
Dude.
Do you read mooshinindy? I saw her on twitter the other day lambasting Shabby Apple, and I thought, is that allowed?
I have for a while felt overly defensive of Utah and Utah County in particular and I’ve tried to figure out why. I haven’t lived here my whole life – far from it. I’ve been here (this time) for 6 years.
Truth is, I don’t see it. I don’t see the judgmental people. I don’t see much of a uniform (besides jean skirts and little girls all dressed the same maybe). I’ve heard of very few instances of people telling others to change.
I think I may be a little like Sylwia in that I do what I want and wear what I want and I refuse to believe there’s anything wrong with it. And it may be that I live in a much less trendy part of Utah (I’ve also only ever heard of Shabby Apple because of blog reading – I had no idea it was a Utah thing). Utah County is the worst? News to me! The area my stake encompasses is NOT wealthy and is way less than half Mormon.
I believe that there are pockets of judgmental people wherever you go. And I think it’s kind of like a disease – it starts with one and gets passed along.
I feel bad that people have such opposite experiences than I do because I have absolutely enjoyed my time here in Utah. I’m not like everyone else (married late, really little kids and I’m in my late 30′s, definitely not a perfect Mormon) but I’ve never felt unaccepted. I know it exists, but nobody should blame an entire county or an entire state because of the flaws of a few (even if those flaws seem pervasive).
Shannon Reply:
July 12th, 2011 at 12:33 pm
Yep, I agree, and I think part of it is the feeling some of us are lucky enough to have that IF anyone were to say something rude/condescending/offensive to us at church, it would be their problem, not ours, and that we would never think of leaving the church over something silly like that. And maybe in blogland it seems like this might exist bec. of the (deserved, I enjoyed it a lot) popularity of Seriously, So Blessed, as I mentioned somewhere else today.
Shannon Reply:
July 12th, 2011 at 12:34 pm
Oh, and I love, love, love Utah and Utah county in particular. And I’ve only lived here 2 1/2 years this time. I don’t know, to be honest, that I would choose to live here if I weren’t Mormon (and didn’t therefore have family here), but that’s mostly because I would love to live overseas again. Whee!
So I’m new to your blog, and I can’t even remember the series of links I clicked on to get here…but thought I’d add my 2 cents. I read through most of the comments and replies on your previous post, but haven’t read everything said on this post, so forgive me if I’m repeating anyone. I clicked your link to the dress and grooming guidelines and just skimmed for a few minutes. I thought I’d share my immediate reaction. Unlike those who say the guidelines are necessary for someone else, I felt like it was for people just like me. Let me explain: I LOVE clothes. I love fashion, and I love trendy styles. I see things that I think are adorable, yet they don’t fit the guidelines of appropriate dress that our leadership have outlined. I was raised in the church, in Utah, and have always been active. So it’s not as if I have to change my wardrobe to be within the guidelines. But sometimes I get frustrated feeling like the latest trends that I think are so cute are not things I could wear. (Don’t get the wrong idea, I’m not talking about super skanky outfits or anything!). I felt an immediate impression upon looking at those pages that these were some suggestions to someone like me, showing how I COULD put together outfits that were stylish, and trendy, and still follow the counsel giving by church leaders on appropriate dress. So maybe rather than telling people they need to be more stylish, they are trying to guide people like me who put a little too much emphasis on trendiness,to show how we CAN be very stylish, yet still follow the guidelines of church dress and grooming. But that’s just what I got from it.
Shannon Reply:
July 12th, 2011 at 12:37 pm
Awesome! I need to have more of your attitude towards it. (can you ship me some?
) I’m always surprised (and don’t know why I am) when my husband gets so complimentary when I wear earrings or mascara, for example. It makes me feel good, which makes him feel good, and it only takes a minute. So I should do more things like that without getting feministy-angsty about it, probably.
May I quickly answer the passing-the-sacrament question? Whoever it is who is presiding—Bishop,Counselor, Stake President—is responsible to see that the ordinance has been performed correctly. In our ward/stake, the priests look for a noticeable nod of acceptance before handing trays to the deacons. Otherwise, the leader taking the sacrament himself gives that approval.
I am not sure how I came to this blog but I must say that I am not a Mormon and I’m completely appalled. It appears to me that you may have entirely too much time on your hands during church. Instead of judging or trying to correct others, shouldn’t you be thinking about how you can connect with them and make them stronger? If you are judgmental towards the attire of those who attend your church, how are you to welcome newcomers? Tell me, who’s opionin is the most important? Yours? The Mormon church or GOD? Your post does sound self-righteous and defensive, just the way I have found 99% of Mormons to behave. If it’s a public space, be careful – even those evil “Non-Mormons” can read your blog and we are taking notes. In addition, if the Holy Bible is another testament to the Mormon faith, look at it. Here is the biggest testament to what God says about what is really important: Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. 1 Peter 3:2-5
Shannon Reply:
July 12th, 2011 at 12:06 pm
Crystal — thanks for your comment. It’s funny a bit to me, because I said this post might sound self-righteous or defensive as a response to the comments on my previous post. Maybe I didn’t make that clear. My point in writing both this post and the previous one was that I wish we (I, Mormons, Christians, Americans, Westerners, and on and on….) cared less about appearance. So basically I agree with you, and I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear.
Oh, and I don’t think people who aren’t Mormons are evil — far from it. I started this post talking about someone who didn’t join the church after investigating it — my sister-in-law. I love and appreciate her just the way she is.