Yesterday Avery and I had a long talk that left us in tears at the same time it made me glad to be here, glad to be her mother. My daughter has a “best friend” who will apparently think she is weak and a crybaby if she does not join her in being mean to a third girl, a girl who used to be one of Avery’s good friends. It turns out that Avery is also the odd girl out in a similar situation at school, with two girls who are now best friends to her exclusion.
Can we go back to talking about sex and cigarettes, and how we wait till we’re married to experience the transcendent glories of the first and how we’ll never try the second, no matter the pressure of friends?
I told Avery that being kind to everyone is the most important thing. And it’s true. I know we have this hierarchy of sins, especially in the Mormon culture, where smoking and drinking are almost the worst things you can do, and I’m not saying I’d be happy if she took up a 2-pack a day habit tomorrow, but I would rather she negotiate this next few years of tweenage girl-child hell with grace and kindness than never drop acid.
Maybe I say that because I know how hard it is to be a ten-year-old girl, except when I was a kid, it was even harder to be a twelve-year-old girl. And I have no firsthand experience with acid.
But it’s true, isn’t it? Being kind to those who despitefully use you, standing up to those you want to impress and befriend, doing what’s right and plain being nice at all times are the hardest things to do, ever.
I showed Avery the verse in John where Jesus wept because his friend Lazarus was dead. Does it take a strong heart to cry with compassion? Is it weak to take the first step to end a fight you’re sure the other person started?
Avery said she just wished she knew why the two girls at school don’t like her any more so she could apologize. And I asked, “Were you mean to them?” and she said no. Then it’s not you, I said. You are perfect, there’s nothing you could do or apologize for or change about yourself to make me love you anymore, to make Heavenly Father love you anymore. You are already beautiful and smart and kind.
She asked me to show her where that scripture was again so she could highlight it in her own Bible.
And she promised to think about it some more and to try her best to treat the the odd girl out as if she were the odd girl out.
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So true.
One of my daughters–years older than yours–has faced an unrelated social challenge, which has been a teaching experience for me. Unlike me, who was always a Gamma Girl, my daughter is somewhere on the pecking order, and she really doesn’t enjoy the company of the less socially-able girls–girls who frankly are more like I used to be. So, she’s in an interesting place, because she’s quite committed to be polite and kind, but she really doesn’t want to be friends with these girls, doesn’t want to eat with them or spend time with them.
My daughter’s no popularity queen, she just has a great appreciation and need for the normal, no doubt spurred on by the socially different siblings she has to deal with already.
It’s been a little hard for me to respect her desire to choose her company. I know in my young socially inept teens I was grateful for anyone who wouldn’t actively harass me, who wasn’t cruel. It’s been interesting to see that other side of someone who wants to be kind but really doesn’t want to be latched onto. It’s been hard for me to allow that there might be a place for kind rejection, and to appreciate how hard that is to pull off.
Anyhow, kudos to you and your sweet moment with the scriptures. I love how you helped your daughter see that she had done nothing to be ashamed of.
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Aww…I so remember being that age…and the next year…and the next year
It seems girls can be so unkind and manipulatively – or psychologically – cruel when they choose to be. The whole ‘whose friend is whose’ thing can feel soooo important, like it’s the biggest thing in the world, I wonder how any 10 year old manages to step back and get a mature perspective on it. To potentially set yourself up to be isolated by choosing the ‘right’ way, is a difficult choice at any age 
That’s not to say boys are angels either (!), but from my experience the conflict is more physical, less deviously (or intelligently!) planned, and the hurt forgotten quicker. Rather reminds me of our dog…
My second oldest deals with this constantly and we remind her it is most important to be kind to everyone, especially when it comes to girls because those friendships will constantly change. You never know who is going to be whose friend from one week (or day) to the next.
Those ages are some of the hardest for girls. At least they were for mine. My first girl struggled more in the 4th/5th grades than in middle school. My other, and last, girl will be nine soon so I am gearing up.
I think you treated it well, though. Advise getting can be tricky with our children and is something I spend a lot of time pondering.