I’m nine days “overdue.” When I first started reading up on natural childbirth, I never thought I’d be seriously considering getting induced at some point because I just assumed that, with this kid being my fourth, and having had one baby (Callie) come early, that things would just happen on their own, in an acceptable time-frame. Now I’m past the part where I can chit-chat cheerfully with the neighbors about “any day now” and I find myself wondering if I really am doing the right thing. What if something happens to the baby and I never forgive myself for not inducing when everyone said it would be a fine time to do it (last Friday, at 41 weeks)?
I’ve had more monitoring (a couple non-stress tests and an ultrasound to measure amniotic fluid) than hardcore natural birthers would request; my midwives are supportive in waiting till 42 weeks, if things stay as good as they are now. The baby moves, a lot; more than they’d expect of a baby that we estimate to weigh over nine pounds. So there’s no reason, no medical or scientific or objective reason to induce. (Not even to mention whether 42 weeks is really overdue or not).
Why am I doing this, again? Is it because I trust God, my body, the baby? This is a lot harder when it’s me making the decisions. When I’m responsible, when everyone from my husband to my medical providers is happy to do what I want to do. (How do I know what I want to do?)
Also, it felt pretty good when I suggested or agreed or whatever, to be induced with Lucy at 39 weeks last time. It was what I wanted, it was fine. She was out in five hours and two pushes. That epidural worked better than the previous ones because we knew how to get it working on both sides.
Reading all those books and practicing pain management and relaxation — that all felt so empowering a month ago. Now, overdue and second-guessing, waiting, waiting, waiting, this surrender to a timetable I can’t begin to guess at — this doesn’t seem empowering at all.
It makes me wonder what other areas of my life I allow, encourage, accept others to make decisions for me, and do I do that out of fear, or ignorance, or laziness, or apathy?
If she’s born on Wednesday she’ll go to school a year later than if she’s born tomorrow or Tuesday. Does God care what day we’re born? Does He care (do I care?) if my daughters are old or young for school? If she’s born tomorrow, I can decide in five years whether to send her early or late. But wait until Wednesday and it’s not a choice. Do I trade this choice for that choice?
One thing I do believe — it’ll be easier to labor and birth if I’m not induced — even if it means her gaining another pound, so that’s not an issue. Another — even a “mild” induction (breaking my water but not hooking up pitocin unless things weren’t moving along after two hours, which is their limit and seems a really short time) would most likely set off a cascade of interventions that I would have no control over, and perhaps rightly so, having taken that first step of relinquishing autonomy.
Perhaps this is only cosmic justice, meant to be, the only way it could ever have turned out once I decided I wanted to do things a certain way. Oh really? You really want to do it your way? Good luck with that. Are you sure? How sure?
The longer it goes (and I know nine days isn’t the record or anything, but holy crap it seems a long time), the more surreal it seems that we will ever have a baby, a new person in the family. It felt this way before each of the other births, like we couldn’t really believe there was a whole separate person floating around in there, but this time it seems even more so. It’s easier to just accept that I’ll be pregnant forever, because all evidence points that way.
I’ve always been fascinated by why we do what we do. It was part of the motivation for the electricity fast, part of the delight in living in Japan and Cairo and New York City. Part of the simple pleasure in moving furniture, painting walls, changing things. If we change this or that, will we change? Does anything ever change? Will it make a difference in ten years, to me or to the baby, if I choose this or that? Will I feel empowered if I surrender? To what? To who? To myself?
Can you live deliberately if you stop making choices? (Why does everything have to be a choice?)
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Does it matter how you give birth?
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Wow, woman. You are wise even in your indecision. I love reading your posts because they’re the few among the many that actually make me stop and think. I know my choice would be to induce, but that’s because I’m super impatient! My heart (and uterus) go out to you!
Shannon Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 9:44 am
I am super-impatient, too, but turns out I am also very stubborn and curious. And really, I can’t imagine turning down an epidural if I’m having the hard pitocin-contractions, you know?
I think you are one of the most decisive people I know! I also think you are justified in your concerns. as an expectant mommy, I believe you are entitled to inspiration or revelation, or whatever you want to call it. I believe you can receive spiritual guidance to know the right choice. And yes, we are praying for you and baby!
Meanwhile, dude! crochet a blanket or something!
Shannon Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 9:46 am
Thanks. I like to think of myself as decisive.
I got a blessing from Tom, the same day we did back-to-school blessings, and I was really comforted by it, and impressed that Tom had actually been listening to all of my concerns/hopes/plans for going natural this time. So that is helping me to keep going.
nine days? that’s making me nervous. i guess i hear too many doctor horror stories about overdue babies. but then why should i worry, i don’t really trust doctors. but still it does make me worry. because i do trust other women’s experiences. and when josh tell me the story he includes how the woman felt. so, i hope you have the baby soon,i mean today. and you better do nothing else except ‘listen’ to the baby move. and if it stops moving, rush to the hospital. ok?
Shannon Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 9:47 am
Good advice — I am definitely very mindful of movements, and I am all in agreement about today being a great day for it!
Wow, nine days! Sending hugs and wishes for an expeditious delivery.
Your post reminded me of a quote that may or may not be relevant, but it’s helped me when I start second-guessing myself:
“Yes, there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts.” – Jeffrey R. Holland
Shannon Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 9:48 am
Thank you — that is a great quote. I want to look it up to see what else he said. I have prayed more and gotten blessings about this birth more than any others, and when I think about what I’ve felt during those, I am calm, and less impatient/worried.
Not that you need my advice, but….I would set a date in your own head. YOU decide how long you are willing to wait and then you will induce. Once you’ve made that decision you will feel a bit more in control. 9 days past due (for a woman who has had previous early births) is an ETERNITY. Harper was induced at 38 weeks and I mentally could not have waited another day – I was done. Plus, you don’t want the baby to get so big that this fourth runs the risk of having to be a c-section. (on the scale of sucking, that would be very high). You will feel better with an illusion of control, so create one.
That is my two cents – and as you know all too well, 3 hours after the little one is born you will think all of this worry, angst, stress was so very silly.
Shannon Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 9:53 am
So true. Also, ten minutes after she’s born, it will seem the height of insanity that we ever had a family without her in it.
I did go ahead and let/have them schedule an induction for this Friday (42 weeks), and you’re right, it does make me feel like I have a safety net if necessary, though sometimes I think I could go longer, if everything is still good.
The c-section scenario would be a nightmare, yes — I have a good friend whose wife just had their second. She had 12 hours of unmedicated hard labor, then 11 hours w/ an epidural, and finally a c-section. The baby was almost ten pounds and had a “cap” on his head where he was stuck and also a hand up next to his head.
It seems the height of cruelty to go through both the pain of labor and the recovery of a c-section.
Wow lady, big decisions on the horizon. I send labor vibes your way to save you from having to make them. You are smart and brave and will make the right choices for you.
Hang in there, hopefully a project will make today go by faster!
I think that sometimes the waiting for our babies is one of the biggest lessons God teaches us during birth. Especially in our “fast food” “high speed internet” day in age, when we aren’t use to waiting for things. It is the true test of faith– turning yourself over to God and to his time table and realizing you have no control but that he is in perfect control of the universe. These are IMPORTANT lessons to be learned and it sounds like you are learning them now. I love this quote:
“Birth is God’s time. It can’t be rushed or programmed to suit anyone’s clock. It is a time to simply be there, respecting the woman’s space and the natural rhythms of her body. Think of how time ceases to have relevance when you are caught up in the presence of God worshipping Him or when you are in love and spending time with your beloved. Time flies by and you barely notice. Birth time is the timing of nature. Who knows when spring will come? Can a budding flower be found open? Yet in time, these things unfold. So does birth.”
- Julie Bell from The Christian Childbirth Handbook
And personally I think that God cares A LOT about which day we are born. Just think about Christ and the Nephites waiting for him America– it made a HUGE difference which day he was born. I think the same is true for every baby born on the earth.
[...] by the re-reading of several chapters in Rixa’s books, and by the quote Mrs. Potts left on my last post, but as I drove to my non-stress test and midwife check at 41 weeks and 5 days, I couldn’t [...]