(today) (right this moment) (for now, anyway).
Since becoming a mother nine and a half years ago, I’ve been a working mom, a living-overseas mom, a going-to-school-and-working-a-bit mom, and a stay-at-home mom. It was funner and more-easily-rewarding to be any of those things than a stay-at-home mom. When I railed against “motherhood” in my not-finer moments, what I really meant was stay-at-home motherhood. I wrote stuff like Do you hate being a mother so much? and confessed my irrational rage at little girls digging into the brownies I was saving. (It’s never about the brownies.)
And then, slowly, things started to change. I noticed it first around the time that I switched from What About Mom? to Seagull Fountain and when Michelle included me in her mommyblogger thesis and analyzed how my posts had become less frustrated. Throughout it all, I believed that being a stay-at-home mom, if we could arrange our lives that way, was important to me, important to the vision I had of the kind of childhood my kids would have, the sort of homelife we would have as a family, taken as a complete whole.
But I didn’t realize how fully I had come to appreciate and enjoy the staying-at-home-ness until I read a Segullah post asking Wasn’t there supposed to be more to it than this? I remember thinking that exact same way, that no matter how fulfilling motherhood was supposed to be, I just wasn’t feeling it. And then — and then my kids started getting older and more interesting, I started writing this blog, we moved into a house where I started gardening and continued experimenting with cooking and baking. (I am not a Martha Steward type, but I like to eat, and when I eat, I like it to taste good.)
I started exploring things that previously seemed whacked beyond the beyond (natural childbirth, composting, seeing how cold we could set our thermostat and still be comfortable, homeschooling). The struggle to be a good mother (in my own eyes) got harder (it’s easy to know and fill all the needs of a newborn), and therefore more interesting.
And two things struck me. First, that what I feel, and what I fill my life with are up to me. It’s a free country. If I hated being a stay-at-home mom that much, I could just go get a job. I may have made some educational or career sacrifices along the way, but I could make up for them, and also — they must have made sense at the time. Meaning, there was a reason I did this, a reason it meant enough to me to choose it. I think of a nun in a convent — does she give up the cloistered life because it is boring and unfulfilling (can you imagine how boring an ascetic life would be without a deep conviction, a rich inner life and unshakeable purpose) or is that life the most fulfilling for her because it is her calling?(right then) (at that time in her life).
The other thing I’ve learned is this paradox. The hard thing when you first become a mother or first have another baby is that suddenly you feel you have no autonomy, no self. You can’t pee/shower/eat/sleep when you want to (especially if you breastfeed, and I mean that in a good way — breastfeeding is my absolute favorite thing about having a new baby: it ties you together metaphorically and literally). And whatever you do — you’re often too tired, drained, or otherwise exhausted to remember that you want to wallow in every moment of gorgeous babyness.
Becoming a mother is a complete surrendering of self to the baby’s needs. But. When you stay-at-home as your kids get older, you can do whatever you want. You set the schedule, you choose the food/environment/atmosphere/activities. You can read what you want, nap if you want, eat when you want, shower when you want, write what you want, plant what you want. You can plan something crazy like an electricity fast. You’re the boss.
And if you’re the boss, who do you blame if your life isn’t everything you thought it would be?
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Awesome post Shannon. I need to remember this when I think to myself “what am I doing with my life?” becasue the answer is “exactly what I want to do, I am the boss after all.” Especially in a few months when I am drunk with newbabyness and forget that this is exactly what I wanted.
I like this. My kids are still little (so what do I know?), but I am just starting to realize that I can do whatever I want. My wise friend used to say “We do what we really want to do.” If I really wanted a paying job, I would go get one. Being home at this stage of life is a big fat privilege, and kids are only this little once, and if I don’t like something, I can change it. Is this something everyone else already knows? I’m just now figuring out that I’m in charge of what I do.
Jane Reply:
May 21st, 2010 at 11:24 am
Everyone else might already know it, but it took me a solid three years of being home to figure it out, and even now sometimes I forget.
That last line was more powerful than you can imagine. Thank you.
Great post, Shannon. This applies to so much more than stay-at-home motherhood.
Great post! It’s quite liberating and interesting to say that I’m in charge of what we do and what will be important to my family! I miss the babyness, but I’m really having fun watching my kids grow and hearing all the great things they say; they make me laugh daily.
I had the same misgivings as you and am so suprised to find I LOVE staying at home. I’ve filled my time with (mostly) things I actually WANT to do. Many of those things are worthwhile and contribute to the family, while a few of those things are silly and just for me. My issue is: guilt. When I’m doing a silly thing because I WANT to and because I CAN, I feel like I need to somehow account for it, somehow explain why it’s actually meaningful and not wasteful. Have you reconciled that issue yet? Or maybe I’m the only one with that issue!
Jane Reply:
May 21st, 2010 at 5:25 pm
I think it depends what you mean by silly and just for you. But even then (even if I privately agreed that something you did was silly, though it’s hard to think of something truly silly unless you’re talking a shopping obsession or hours of trashy television (1-2 hours is okay, more than that is silly, unless you’re pregnant or otherwise incapacitated
).
Even if something is “silly” and doesn’t “contribute” in an easily quantifiable way, if it’s something that makes you happy or renews you or helps you do some of your other less-exciting chores with a lighter heart, then I think it DOES contribute to the family. Sometimes I feel guilty for reading a book for 12 hours straight and the house is a wreck, but come on, that is really the whole point of staying home, and if you normally keep things pretty together, who is going to begrudge you the occasional reading day? We don’t get sick days, you know.
It took me a while to relish in the make my own schedule part of staying home, but once I embraced that, my life became more enjoyable. Now that my youngest is almost 4, I am totally enjoying the autonomy you talked about. I’m glad you found a way to be at peace with the decision you made. For whatever reason, angst has never been a part of my SAHM experience.
So true…too exhausted to remember that I want to take in every darling moment of my little ones.
It’s nice to know that others are acknowledging the “place” that I’m in right now with little, little ones under foot- I often think that with each child I am learning to be a little Less Selfish (hopefully) as I give and love and hope for each child. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself when everyone is potty trained and can eat by themselves with a fork. I guess that means I was successful at one aspect of this work-preparing them to thrive in the world. Thanks for the post=validation.
Wow… I agree with Emily. That last line really says it all. We are the master’s of our happiness.
well it took me almost 4 years of being at home to hit a point where I enjoyed it. The first 3 1/2 I was a ZOMBIE. two kids 10 months apart, no family close by and a husband who worked out of state 25 days a month…yeah, I wasnt generally real happy. I was worn out, worn down, and an emotional time bomb. It wasnt till the SECOND one started pre school that I got to start enjoying it and about the time I got real happy with it, I found out I was PREGNANT. I was panicked about the whole thing, but have to say 3rd babe has been a charm, but he is the most laid back easy going child I have EVER seen. He came home sleeping and was not happy when we would wake him up to feed him. he was 10 days old on New Years Eve and We celebrated because he stayed awake long enough for us to see if he really had EYES.
Steff
That loss of self and the repetitive daily life are the things that freak me out. But I’m willing to go in that direction. Just gotta find the man.
This post definitely hit a nerve. “And if you’re the boss, who do you blame if your life isn’t everything you thought it would be?” What a great point!
A great post. I have been a few variations of the work and stay-at-home mother. Presently, I’m the work part time, grad school part time, full time mama/partner. Baby #2 is on his way in the next few weeks and it will be stay-at-home finish the degree mama time for me. Sure, it’s boring, exhausting, stressful and mind-numbing at times. But these are my choices. I write a lot about these types of issues on my blog and have found that over time, I have come to embrace that life is what I make it. I choose this life. Sure, there are lots of people, especially women, in this world who do not choose how they live and if they work or raise children…but I am not one of them. I am so grateful for the freedom to choose my life and the insight to know that this is truly mine and I love it. Most of the time.
I really like this entry.
It’s true.
Also, I think moms who hate being at home haven’t found their niche. I go through phases of niches (currently composting and home baked bread).
Thanks, this has given me a bit to think about today (as I compost).
Well said, glad you found the joy, and composting…thanks for sharing.