Last week I got a call that excited me almost more than my college admission letter fifteen years ago. Susan had won the lottery to go to our local charter school. I know people who’ve been applying ever since they moved out here, six years ago, to this school. So it really was quite a stroke of luck, especially since Susan got one of the fifty kindergarten spots, which are usually filled by siblings of kids already in. Sally’s now in the sibling lottery pool for the fourth grade, and has a good chance of getting in this fall or the next.
Only, she doesn’t want to. She loves her own school, which is already the fourth elementary school she has attended (because of our moves), and a fine school, as schools goes. A couple weeks ago, as I filled out time requests for next year at the regular school (morning kindergarten for Susan, B Track (an hour later than A Track and more aligned with the kindergarten schedule) for Sally, she begged me to let her stay on A Track, which starts at 8 and gets out at 2:15. It’s a nice schedule since she is so self-sufficient about making her lunch and pouring her cereal if I’m not up in time to make something warm. We both like how early she gets home in the afternoon. But I told her I can’t be coordinating that many different schedules and carpools, especially with the new baby coming.
Then I told her, if she hates being at school so late in the day, we could try a half-day, something allowed in Utah by law, though I’ve never seen anyone do it. Sally doesn’t know anyone who does that, either, so she said it must not really exist. I told her she could homeschool for awhile if she’d like to try that, and she said no one does that either, so she can’t, and besides, how would she ever learn what she needs to know if she doesn’t go to school?
This was the week before the third grade standardized testing, and I tried to counter the propaganda from her teacher by telling her that those tests are measures of how good the teachers are at getting you to memorize certain things that a person far away thinks you should know, and not indicators of how smart you are or what you know or what you’re interested in. (Though they’re both, maybe; I am not against standardized testing, per se, mostly because it was always good to me.)
I even suggested that we see if she could go at the B Track time (when Susan’s kindergarten starts) and then come home at A Track time (which would shave 75 minutes off her school day). And she said, but that’s when we read! I have to go then, otherwise I’ll never get to read.
This from the child who won’t put her book down long enough to eat, except at dinner time, when she’s required to conversate.
I really didn’t know what to say. I thought when we got rid of our TV months ago that we’d have all this extra time (the kids watch approximately one movie a week now, on Friday or Saturday night), but instead, all that time is filled with playing and reading and more playing. There’s no extra time, and I can’t imagine how they ever had time for TV before. (I still have time for TV on hulu, because somehow adult time and kid time are different. Or because I’m in denial/stupid. Whichever.)
But mostly I wanted to tell her that every word coming out of her mouth made me more and more convinced that homeschooling (if only for a few years) would be the best possible thing for her, because here she is, nine years old, and completely brainwashed that if she doesn’t go where she’s “supposed to” and do what she’s told to do at the “right” time by the “right” authority figure in the “right” setting, she won’t be able to learn.
Damn and Hell and five other swear words.
Part of this is semantics. Sally cooks with me and gardens with me and writes stories for her sisters and builds lego towns and roller skates with the neighbor kids and steps in to help Spot change her pants when I’ve lost all patience because the pants she’s wearing are not too big for her and we’re late for the dentist already so JUST GET IN THE CAR.
In April we stayed at my parent’s house for the weekend and Sally spent two days making felt dolls and clothes with fabric, markers, lace, ribbon, and a hot glue gun. When she got tired of dressing dolls for everyone in the family, she got into the real fabric scraps and made pinafores for Susan and Spot and a pieced shirt and skirt outfit for herself. She didn’t tell me until later about the blisters she’d gotten from the hot glue because she didn’t want me to make her stop.
Sewing is a big mystery to me, and the idea of just cutting some fabric and making something without a pattern baffles me at the same time that it tells me there’s hope for Sally. Which is why I’ll stop pressing the merits of the charter school for now, and drop the matter of tracks at the other school for now, and instead make plans to teach her a course of math this summer. Because it’s her least favorite subject and I want to change that, and because I want to show her that our kitchen table is actually a great place to learn.
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I’m laughing because this week is our elementary school’s testing as well and the teachers/school take it very seriously. I use to until I heard Seth Godin speak…and now I’m like, whatever. Do your best, girls. No worries. And the fact they’ll miss a day of testing due to a family baby blessing doesn’t bother me in the slightest.
I am anxious to hear what the final decision will be in the fall. Good luck!
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“Only, she doesn’t want to. She loves her own school, which is already the fourth elementary school she has attended (because of our moves), and a fine school, as schools go…..here she is, nine years old, and completely brainwashed that if she doesn’t go where she’s “supposed to” and do what she’s told to do at the “right” time by the “right” authority figure in the “right” setting, she won’t be able to learn.”
My older daughter was shy, and very nervous at the beginning of each school year, until she got to know the teacher and what the new teacher expected of the class. Then, once she understood the rules of the game, she relaxed and did very well. One year her school got a grant, and at the end of October, shuffled the teaching staff to take advantage of it. My daughter had to adjust to a new teacher. She was upset and claimed the school was unfair to take her teacher.
After attending 4 different schools, Sally may be resisting change because she is comfortable and happy in her current school, and knows exactly what the schedule is and what’s expected. If she is happy, and her grades and the standardized test show she is learning well, I’d be inclined to keep her in her current school. If Utah is like Georgia, and the kids move from elementary to middle school is 6th grade, she’ll have to change schools again in a year or 2 anyway.
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Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2010 at 9:21 am
That’s definitely a good point. Sally isn’t really shy or nervous — though she sometimes is moreso than I was, which I have to remind myself of on occasion.
With each new school she was always very excited to switch, but maybe that had more to do with being excited about our overall moves, which have been to better and bigger places each time (from the ghetto in Florida, to staying with my sister, to an apartment, to our current house).
Since this proposed switch would take her away from some friends without involving the excitement of a new house/place, I can understand her reluctance. Interestingly, when she talks about her favorite things about her school, one is the teacher she had last year (in 2nd grade) who still comes to sit by her at lunch time often. So it’s not even that she’s so attached to her current teacher, who she realizes she won’t have next year anyway.
I think I will insist that she switch to the charter school if she gets in, mostly because I am confident that after a couple weeks she will like it (and I’ll tell her truthfully that she could go back to her old school after a month trial period), and because several of her church friends/acquaintances attend there, so I think she’ll be surprised that she actually does know several people there already.
And yes — in Utah she’ll switch to middle school for 7th grade.
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I have a friend who does the half day homeschool. It has always sounded like a wonderful idea to me. Best of both worlds. Do you think the desire to do it “the right way” is a product of the school system as much as a personality characteristic? I like to know what is expected and am usually a little scared of doing something without knowing all the “rules” first. It is something I’ve learned to deal with, but I was always that way. Before school ever began (according to my mother, my memory isn’t THAT great.) And that being said, the best way to deal with it for me has been to force myself to do things where I am unsure or ask for an exception to the rules and realize the “rules” are not as set in stone as I tend to think they are.
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Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2010 at 9:24 am
Hmm. I often feel at home that she’s not interested in doing {insert chore} the right way
, but yes, she is a teacher-pleaser and a rule-follower at church and school and her activities.
But even if it is mostly her own personality, you gotta admit that the school structure (of necessity; how else can you manage 30 kids in a class?) rewards and requires conformity and compliance. Of course, I am guilty of this too, whenever I say “because I said so.”
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Charlotte Reply:
May 13th, 2010 at 12:14 pm
Yes, I agree with you, the school structure does do that. Although for me it meant I excelled in school. I was an adult before I learned to deal with not following all the rules. It might would have helped if I had been encouraged to do so when still a child. I am totally jealous of your charter school and half day homeschool options. The west coast is far more progressive with new ideas.
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As a homeschooler I am a big believer in letting the child lead the way in man areas. The choice to homeschool has a huge effect on the child, especially a child that has already been in school for awhile. Homeschooling when the child is against it can be pretty ugly. It can be difficult even with an especially willing child. My advice is to give the charter school a shot, and take some time to talk to her about the merits of homeschooling. Introduce her to other homeschooled kids and have them talk to her about what they like and don’t like about it, then let her make the decision. Almost every kid I talk to when I tell them we homeschool says “MoOoOoOm I want to be homeschooled too!” Because they think it will all be fun and games. So when a child says outright they’d rather go to school that strikes me as a child that knows what works for her. I don’t mean to discourage homeschooling, but its not for every parent, nor is it for every child. Making the switch suddenly without selling her on it could make things pretty ugly.
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Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2010 at 9:52 am
Yes, I would never homeschool her if she was/remained resistant to the idea. (I take that back. If she started misbehaving terribly or the schools were dangerous, I might force her, but those aren’t issues here.)
Part of my thoughts about this (I didn’t say the stuff to her about brainwashing and “needing” homeschool) were a reaction to a piece I read in the Huffington Post about unschooling. (argh. Now I can’t find it. Maybe it was on one of the group mommy blog sites? I’ll keep looking.) In that post the writer criticized parents who fobbed their children off with things like “you have to go to school, it’s the law” because they were lazy or afraid or just wanted their kids squared away. And I was like, hey! I’m always trying to get my kids to stay home!
The other part is that it’s almost summer break. I’m sure by the fall, after three months of “homeschool” and a new baby, that I’ll be glad to see the backs of them every morning. ;p
And finally, I think she might like it if she tried it (and if I gave her plenty of opportunities for playdates and activities, etc); I do think she’s more resistant to any change than to what this would actually be. My sister and brother each homeschooled for a year and then went back to regular school. Both changes were the right thing for them at the time — my point being that I am flexible.
But you’re absolutely right — it would be lame to say I was considering homeschool to be the best thing for her without taking into consideration what she thinks would be best for her. If I made the decision w/o her consent, that would be worse than anything a well-meaning public school teacher could do!
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Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2010 at 12:57 pm
Here’s the unschooling post: http://www.momlogic.com/2010/04/why_i_unschooled_my_three_kids.php It was on momlogic — don’t know why I thought HuffPost.
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Nothing that she said makes me think she is brainwashed….the truth is that the school system really does work for some people. It did for me, it was perfect for me, and honestly, she sounds a lot like me. I liked taking tests and getting grades, because it made me feel good. I think it’s so important that we pay attention to what they need, and what is best for them. And maybe she’s old enough now that she even knows that for herself. I am way excited for Susan, though! She is SO ready for kindergarten. And actually, Spot is pretty close to ready to.
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Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2010 at 9:57 am
Maybe brainwashed is an extreme term, but I do think that her perspective is framed by her experiences, which are only of public school. (And of course our wonderfully open/free summers, which can’t be discounted as far as “downtime” goes). It’s kind of like how I feel almost that I had been “brainwashed” into thinking that medicalized childbirth was the only/best way to go. Now that I have been exposed to widely varying perspectives, I might still choose an epidural, but at least I’ll know why, and what the alternatives were. I think it’s almost impossible to make an informed choice without considering that what you’ve always believed might be wrong. That doesn’t mean that you’ll necessarily discard your previous thinking — if your previous thinking/belief stands up to other theories, then your final commitment will be even stronger, right?
It’s like, even with faith — can you truly have faith in a religion if you haven’t at least at some point entertained the idea that other religions might be true? The whole opposition in all things — if there’s no dark, how do you know what light is?
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Sharla Reply:
May 13th, 2010 at 10:07 am
Yes, I definitely agree with that! I think the important thing to remember is that as we make decisions for us, our children and our families, we need to be educated, thoughtful and prayerful. Beyond that, it doesn’t really matter what other people think. That is why I am SO grateful that I do have prayer in making decisions like this. Because I feel so wholly inadequate on my own.
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Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2010 at 9:58 am
Oh, and I agree about needing to respect what she thinks is right for herself. She’s definitely old enough and thoughtful enough for that.
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make that too…..
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I would homeschool my children however I have a feeling with would greatly shorten all of our lifespans. That being said… I actually LOVE summer break. Just lots of fabulous times with my boys. So I obviously love my kids and hate teaching. And I shall end this pointless comment now.
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Just a general observation about a “graduated” homeschool family I know… The 5 children in the family are good kids, and I would assess them as being well-socialized. However, as they enter adulthood, I see them being fairly direction-less and possibly unmotivated. I attribute that to their having no deadlines/consequences with their school work (one boy has taken nearly a year to get his mission papers in, and he still hasn’t gotten around to his GED). Also, without the structure of grades, these kids have had no “rites of passage”–how is being 18 any different than being 16? The mother of this family has commented that her oldest son was fairly competitive by nature, but without schoolmates to compete against, he had no particular incentive to try harder, and probably missed out on some important learning experiences.
Just a couple of thoughts. Feel free to delete if you feel this is off-topic.
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Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
No, totally on-topic (anyway I only delete mean comments).
I definitely think each child (family?) is different enough that there are many right choices when it comes to schooling. I thrived on the competition of regular school. As I’ve mentioned, a big part of this (and the solution) is that it’s almost time for summer break, during which the kids will have a lot of unstructured time to do whatever. (And during which I’ll have time to wish they were in school!)
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Hillary Reply:
May 13th, 2010 at 3:19 pm
How is being 18 different than being 16? Do you need school to tell you? Are all 18 year olds at a similar developmental stage or were some kids ready for something at 16 and others at 18?
Rites of passage are very much a product of families and communities. I remember being quite disappointed at high school graduation. A feeling like–was that supposed to be a big deal? Right now we are living in a thriving homeschooling community and there are many, many ways I watch older kids experience rites of passages and they are less attached to age and more attached to experiences.
I’ve seen quite the opposite. I remember meeting a second cousin who was homeschooled. We were both recently graduated from college and I was just so–”ugh, i’m done with that” and she was just bursting forth of ideas. I remember being genuinely surprised by her desire to follow through on her ideas and projects. My thought process at the time was, “if no one’s telling me to do it…why would I do it?”
It took me a long time to get to a place where I started doing things for me instead of because of a deadline.
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Jane, this would be challenging for me! I completely feel your sentiments. I’m feeling like that last paragraph may have felt defensive for you b/c of your somewhat unique situation, but if you do think of other situations where kids are indeed getting forced to just because of “have-to’s” I do think what she’s saying rings some truth.
Thanks for sharing. I love hearing about other’s perspectives and experiences.
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I am not sure what is wrong with just doing some things because they are the commonly prescribed way of doing things. I am thinking I am sick of kids who disrespect adults particularly ones in authority, and I don’t think constantly questioning the establishment or pushing the envelope is positive. I want my kids to be free thinkers, but at the same time I want them to know if the cop/teacher/principal/pastor says we do this @ this time because that is the rule they need to $%#^# well do it and ask questions later.
steff
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Jane Reply:
May 21st, 2010 at 8:41 am
I totally understand that desire — for kids to just do what they’re supposed to because *we* said so. But in my more reflective moments, I don’t think I want to mother that way (even though too often I do).
I see nothing wrong with doing things the common way, so long as that’s also the way I think is right after some study/prayer/experience/whathaveyou, but I do think that it’s maybe not the best if the REASON you do something is just BECAUSE it is the common way.
Somehow I need to work this out, because nothing makes me madder (i.e. lose my temper) than when it feels like my 9 year old is being disrespectful/talking back. I just want to smash her face in. Maybe my problem is that I know I’m acting from temper rather than from a reasonable desire to teach her respect? So then I don’t feel I have the moral authority (though I do have the responsibility) to discipline most effectively.
(I ordered a book called “Soft-spoken parenting: 50 ways to not lose your temper with your kids.” Hopefully that will help.
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