Burdened

I gave up some of my angst about Mother’s Day this year, by thinking more as a woman with a nice mother than as a mother myself and my own motherhood issues. That sounds sanctimonious, as if I was thinking of others and forgetting myself, which isn’t what I mean, more that I entertained neither the guilt of not being a perfect mother nor the irony/frustration of having to listen to Susan whine that the flower she made me in Primary wasn’t beautiful because she had to make it out of orange paper instead of hot pink. (Felt, yes. Entertained, no.)

Tom spent Saturday on my new garden box, and knowing how much he hates yardwork, I responded quite mildly to his complaint Sunday night that I was doing the dishes too loudly for the scripture story he was telling the kids on the other side of the room. Mother’s Day angst is one thing; a strong Martha-complex is another.

Later than night I read about China’s arranged remarriages in the aftermath of the Sichuan earthquake last year. It’s interesting. Sometimes I think my marriage to Tom was almost arranged. I knew that God wanted me to marry him even before I loved him or really knew him. Twelve years later (on June 13th) I remember the feeling of driving home from a date and not being able to take my eyes off the shiny new ring on my left hand.

Everyone in China — the government, former in-laws, newly-set-up matchmakers — seems certain that quick remarriage is not only an antidote to the grief and rootlessness  of those who lost spouses and children, but also the best way to restabilize society. I wonder if we were faced with such a devastation if we’d think that was the solution.

But the part that haunts me is the characteristics and requirements listings on the matchmakers’ books. On one list, the most desired characteristic is “no burdens” — which is a really common characteristic of these widowers and widows. It means they have no child left alive. It’s fascinating because the very reason these people are grief-stricken is because they’ve been relieved of their burdens, and though it’s a child (not a spouse) that burdens them (remarriage-wise), the government payment for a lost son is $8,800 and only $1,460 for a wife. Because a spouse is easier to replace? Income-wise it doesn’t make sense to recompense so disproportionately for a minor.

Anyway, it made me think about my three (and a half) burdens. Yes, they are. And, no, no amount would ever recompense me for their loss.