Yesterday I drove Tom to the airport for a short business trip. Eight hours later I hadn’t heard from him, and I couldn’t get him on the phone or email or IM. (Maybe I should’ve tried Twitter.)
Susan and Spot and I had taken a long, late afternoon nap, so we dawdled through leftovers and cleaning up the kitchen. Sally emptied the dishwasher as I listened to Susan’s reading lesson on the couch. By now it was 10 pm where Tom was and still no answer.
Of course I’m paranoid, and also pregnant, so the logical conclusion was that he was dead (or going to be when I got a hold of him), and I started thinking about what my life would be like as a pregnant widow with three small children. I’d move into my parent’s (nice) basement and go to law school or teach at the local high school. I’d never remarry, because I’d never find someone who understands me like Tom does (or that I can stand like I can stand Tom).
Then I remembered the baby. Spot will be four in October. The thought of leaving her with a babysitter or in preschool while I work or study is hard but not world-ending.
But could I be separated from my new baby?
I thought about what I would say at Tom’s funeral. How I would tearfully relate that the last thing he asked me to do, right as we pulled up to Terminal 2, was read scriptures with the kids tonight. (He knows I have Martha-tendencies to put that off — we talked about Samuel’s wicked sons and Israel’s desire for a king, honey.)
The other day I had an interesting exchange with a friend who knows us casually. I said something about Tom that surprised her and she said “well, he’s married to a feminist.” This was a short, undeveloped conversation (on Twitter), and I’m not exactly sure what she meant in the context, but it’s stuck in my brain.
On the one hand, I’m a bit flattered/relieved/gratified that she thinks I’m a feminist, because I am a stay-at-home mom and she works full-time at a paying job. So while of course I think a stay-at-home mom can be a feminist (as I define it, someone who knows women are as valuable, capable, and individual as men are), sometimes I don’t get that vibe from working women — that choosing to be a stay-at-home mom is somehow letting down the cause.
(And of course there are also my own feelings sometimes that staying-at-home is not as fulfilling or exciting as something else I could be doing. Maybe all of these voices are in my own head.)
I told Tom about it on the way to the airport and we puzzled on it for a while and then stopped at McDonald’s just in time for a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Eight hours later I pictured my life without Tom. I would not make a good single parent. I would be angry, resentful, uncontrollably unhappy. Even the thought of going back to school or working, With Grownups! For Pay! was not enough to cheer me up.
Because what about my baby? She’s going to need me, a lot, especially at first. I can’t leave her. The thought of doing what normally sounds like a really good idea, what I lie awake at night planning for in the not-too-distant future, fills me with a horrible dread. Almost as horrible as the dread of imagining a forever empty space beside me on the bed. (Even with the snoring.)
So, as a feminist (a hormonal, weepy absence-certainly-does-make-the-heart-grow-fonder feminist who is probably going crazy), what I want to say is:
Thank you, Tom, for supporting me, appreciating me, making it so I can stay-at-home, even though I sometimes rail against that very thing. Thanks for letting me work it out in my own mind so it makes sense and being there so I can happily imagine hours-days-weeks spent holding my baby (and maybe a couple other kids-and-house-things) and nothing else.
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Nice post. I can totally relate. My husband worked two jobs for many years so that I could stay home with the kids. Because he’s 12 years older than me, I needed to keep my work skills current, so I worked part-time in law offices a couple of evenings a week and for a while transcribed at home. Sometimes I was starved for adult conversation, but it was worth every bit of it — even the financial hardship — to have that opportunity. It only comes once. The plan was to go back to work full-time when my youngest went to 1st grade, but with two headed soon for college we decided that I needed to go to work the year prior to my youngest going to kindergarten. While I wish I could have stayed home at least another two years, I take solace in the fact that we found a wonderful Bishop’s daughter for daycare, and my teenagers were able to pick her up after school so she didn’t have to stay too many hours. I consider myself very lucky to have had the best of both worlds. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom, and I’ve had a successful career. I couldn’t have done it without an extremely supportive husband. When I went back to work full-time, he was so grateful not to have to work two jobs anymore, that he does all the cooking, grocery shopping, and kid transporting. He taught all the kids to cook. Anyway, enjoyed the post.
LaurieBee
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Jane Reply:
April 17th, 2010 at 5:11 pm
Thanks — your situation sounds very familiar. I am not able to stay-at-home because we’re loaded but because we are learning to be very frugal. (It’s a hard lesson, ask my credit cards
).
And I do look forward to working sometime — to save for travel and sports lessons and college, and because working is fulfilling too.
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(This is my second response. The first one didn’t seem to make any sense. I’ve gone straight from “pregnant brain” to “newborn brain”)
I really just want to say “me too”. I consider myself a feminist, even though I stay home most of the time. I do think sometimes women think this is the easy choice, but it is far from it. I was amazed this past semester when I had an older student (a 25+ something) who said to me that he thought I was the smartest person he had ever met. At first I took this to be brown-nosing and ignored it, but soon realized he was sincere. I was shocked to discover that somebody, besides my husband, thought I was smart or capable. This quickly led me to realize that after six years of being home with my kids I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT I WAS SMART. I had turned my own self-talk into “you are JUST a stay at home mother” and realized that no, I’m not. I’m a well educated, thinking, capable human being who can do more than wipe bottoms and make peanut butter sandwiches. It took a complete stranger and one simple comment to remind me of that.
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Jane Reply:
April 17th, 2010 at 5:13 pm
Ahhh, newborn brain.
I am constantly surprised by how excited I am for this fourth baby. Shouldn’t it seem all old and dull by now? But I know once I am sleep-deprived and sad about all this fat (which, really I’m sad a little bit now, but what can I do at this point?), I will need to remind myself how excited I was now. And when I can’t remember what I was thinking a minute ago? I will pull out my GRE scores and just gaze upon them — if I can remember.
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I like to say I’m a suffragette. The problem with “feminist” is that you always have to follow up with how you define it. Also, some very vocal/powerful feminists have associated feminism with some very onerous things. I was about to say that I believe in equal treatment for women, but the truth is that I believe that women should be cared for and protected, so that we in turn can carry, deliver, and nurture children. I do also believe women should be as strong and independent as reasonably possible, and that men should be as involved and engaged in the nurture of their children as reasonably possible, but overall I’m still pretty conservative about gender roles. (I do think the reason many are uncomfortable with the idea of women being cared for and protected is that so often that’s also meant “controlled and confined.” I believe women should have a choice, but think that for most women, to have children (which entails a need for care and protection) is the better choice.)
Shortly after my first baby was born, in a conversation about our life goals and our tight finances, my husband said, “You could get a job.” I almost burst into tears–how could he ask that of me, when I was *barely* managing to care for our newborn? Turned out he meant, “If it would make you feel more fulfilled to get a job, I won’t stand in your way.”
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Jane Reply:
April 17th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
Yes, it is a big problem with the word feminist. I don’t want to have unisex bathrooms (or some such thing) — and I agree about the care and protect part. You’re emotionally, physically, and financially vulnerable when you get pregnant and have a child. It’s a lot easier to do if you have a big, strong (I mean those metaphorically also) partner to provide support.
Oh, and totally agree on the women being independent and the men being engaged in nurturing — I went back to work after Sally’s birth while Tom stayed home with her (during his master’s program), and I loved it — it worked well for all of us (bec. I was supported in pumping milk, etc, etc at work). So really it’s about being equal partners.
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Yes.
I love this…especially the gratitude in the last sentence, because really? You are incredibly blessed.
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Just checking in as a feminist mother who works full-time outside the home … and knows that of course there are many many awesome stay-at-home parents who are feminists. (And working parents who aren’t.) Anyway, the whole stay-at-home vs. working mother thing oversimplifies matters to the point of meaninglessness; so many people do both at different stages of their kids’ and families’ lives, for so many different (personal, financial, medical, etc., etc.) reasons. It’s not like you sign up for a ‘team’ at some point.
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Jane Reply:
April 17th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
You’re absolutely right about the flexible nature and there being no teams (though I do think sometimes we (I) think there are). It actually reminds me of what we can learn from same-sex partnerships — about how they share work inside and outside the home and how they make those role decisions.
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Kirsty Reply:
April 22nd, 2010 at 3:08 am
That’s a really interesting point. On our holiday (8 sleeps to go! I won’t get to see/meet you, but I guess Tom will be like a consolation prize.
) we’ll be spending some time with friends in the Bay area, married men with two sons. M has been looking at pictures of their family and asking “Where/Who is the Mummy?”, so it’s been one of those fun parenting experiences explaining the different shapes of families. We haven’t seen our friends in 5 years, and their second son has been born in that time. While they are absolutely not any kind of Zoo exhibit, it will of course be fascinating to see how their family works. I suspect in some ways it will be very different to ours, and in some ways very similar.
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Your definition of feminist sits perfectly with me. I think I’ll adopt it as my own. You don’t mind, do you?
P.S. I don’t see you often enough.
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I love this post. How many times have I had these same thoughts? Or the same situation….by the way, what time did that boy finally call you?
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I love reading your posts. I sortof think I am a feminist most of the time.
We have the conversation every so often about me going back to work, or me finishing school and sometimes it doesnt feel so crazy but others, I think oh my word there is no way to add ANYTHING else to what I do especially when he is out working somewhere.
Steff
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[...] dear friend sent an email today about my worrying-Tom-was-dead post, telling me kindly to stop worrying. I know she’s right, I know everything will be fine (or [...]
Great post – I totally agree on the new baby thing. She *needs* you. I constantly worry about having to go back to work because my husband has a business and, well, it’s taking a lot of faith that things will work out. Thanks!
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