I want to start off saying that if I’ve offended you by discussing my thoughts on birthing (by having thoughts that differ from yours), I am sorry. Though I feel that it matters, immensely, for me to learn and prepare for my final birth (oh yes, this will be my final birth), and though I feel it will help me be a stronger, more determined, more capable mother and woman if I stretch myself in this way, that doesn’t (honestly, pinky swear) mean I think anyone else is less strong or less determined or less capable or in any way less of a mother if she doesn’t care to think about these things, or if, having thought of them, decides to give birth hung by her toes on Neptune.
I really am self-centered enough that this is really ALL ABOUT ME. (and MY BABY).
(Though I have to tell you I’ve heard the air is very thin on Neptune, so you might want to re-think that).
(oh, I kid.)
Maybe this will explain some of my inelegant, sloppy, unintentionally incoherent analogies and plans: Reading about this labor and delivery stuff? To me it has been such a revelation . . . (I didn’t even know your body continually made amniotic fluid. My doctor told me my water was “low” with my first, and I thought, HOLY CRAP, better get the kid out before it’s ALL GONE, even though my water hadn’t broken).
It’s like suddenly I know the earth is round, and I am flabbergasted that people are still running around screaming that it is flat.
Have you accepted Jesus into your life yet? Have you been saved?
The sky is falling! The sky is falling!
When I analogized that there is maybe a right way for each woman to birth at each of her births (by comparing it to finding the right person to marry), that wasn’t supposed to suggest I thought every women should birth the same way, any more than I would suggest that we should all marry the EXACT SAME PERSON. I’m uncomfortable with the idea of even one sister-wife — you think I want to think that my husband is the right person for any other woman on this freaking planet besides me? H to the no.
And while I think there might be a best (right? most satisfying? safest?) way for a birth to go, how variable that turns out to be (one woman moos in the throes of transition, another throws pies at a clown for relief) is one of the most fascinating things about this.
My whole point (and here I will plagiarize the Dooce): There are options! and choices! God is great! Praise be to Allah!
(the Allah part I threw in myself.)
And I think being aware of those options and being involved in making those choices makes you a (happier? more empowered? more satisfied?) person.*
(There, I said it. I am judgmental. If you choose to have a c-section because otherwise you will die, I think you are a better person than someone who would refuse that choice and that option. Sue me.)
*Ack, so maybe I don’t really believe that. What if you live in a repressed society, or you’re young, or the weight of the moral/intellectual authority of the medical establishment is so convincing you feel it best to leave it up to them? I don’t know.
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I really worry about is getting too attached. (Admittedly, I was so attached to not going on pitocin that I came within 90 minutes of an unplanned homebirth.)
It’s fantastic to explore the options and find what you’re comfortable with—but I think most of us do not experience the exact birth we plan or expect.
I’d just hate to see a mother get so attached to an aspect of birthing and have it not work out, or end up beyond her control, and then always look back negatively on the whole experience. It’s really not something we can control (even if we go the full buffet of medical interventions route).
I guess my point is that flexibility is important in not just looking at others’ birth plans, but our own births.
(You’ve read Jennifer @ Conversion Diary’s account of this, right?)
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Jordan Reply:
March 4th, 2010 at 12:29 am
(Nice. Typo in the first sentence. WTG, self. Blame baby.)
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Jane Reply:
March 4th, 2010 at 2:05 am
I think you’re absolutely right. Somehow I’m convinced that no matter how it ends up, I will feel better for having learned/prepared more. Right?
(And though I have read a lot of Conversion Diary, I don’t remember posts on this. Will look it up tomorrow, because she is fantastic.)
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Yep, plans are just that, plans. Not fixed in stone. But it took me a while to realise lol. I don’t think my antenatal classes prepared me for that; they encouraged us to write elaborate beautiful birth plans. My first birth plan was some sort of itenerised heaven (choice of music, aromatherapy, some nice pain relief, no wiring up to machines blah blah etc etc), but the reality was closer to hell (got to hospital 9cm dilated, hitting the transition phase as I was thrown in the door lol!). For a long time I was disappointed and angry with the world. With hindsight I should’ve just let it all go.
I don’t think I even wrote a birth plan second time around (was kinda disolusioned by the whole thing by then) and then third time around my birth plan consisted of one sentence : homebirth:please bring gas and air. As it was, the midwife didn’t have time to pick up the gas and air. So didn’t even get the one thing I’d planned for! One thing!
But by number 3 I’d kinda got around to the idea that plans were flexible. So I didn’t feel disappointed, I just felt proud of myself that I’d got through it and come out the other side ok. I figured if I could give birth, and get through that amount of pain, with nothing but a bathroom towel between my teeth and a lot of grunting, then I was invincible (well until my milk came in and then I howled like a baby lol)
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You don’t need to apologize/elaborate/qualify anything Jane! I’d hope that people would have the sense to figure out that you’re writing about YOU–heck, it’s YOUR blog, after all–not trying to generalize things onto all of womankind.
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There is never anything wrong with knowledge and research and making plans. I think what you’re doing is great. And I also know that if I had another baby down the line and didn’t feel like doing research or trying it natural or whatever, it wouldn’t affect our friendship in the slightest.
Right?
Oh, and I love love that “h to the no”. I might just steal that sometime.
I LOVED this post! Had me laughing.
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I got in an argument yesterday on FB with someone I don’t even know because she said she was “offended” when she saw women carrying babies in car seats instead of slings. That kind of attitude really angers me. If I am going to demand my right to homebirth the way I want to, I have to respect the rights of others to have voluntary C-Sections if they want to. If I want people to respect my right to breastfeed in public, I need to respect their choice to use formula. No one should ever be “offended” at someone else’s parenting (or birthing) choices that have nothing whatsoever to do with themselves and their own choices.
I didn’t get that attitude from your post at all. I got that you were looking for the right answers for YOU, not that you were judging anyone else.
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Jane Reply:
March 4th, 2010 at 11:41 am
Thanks, and I agree — why be offended when someone else makes a different choice, so long as that choice doesn’t infringe on my own choices?
(this kind of reminds me of the bill before Utah’s legislature right now that could make all sorts of things illegal to do while pregnant — the problem with the law is that it’s way to vague. It was prompted, however by a seemingly clear case of criminal wrongdoing, in which a 17 yo paid some guy $150 to kick her repeatedly in the abdomen when she was 7 months along, hoping to induce a miscarriage. But the thing I can’t stop thinking about in that case is not — OMG WHAT A HORRIBLE person — but oh my goodness, what one earth must be so terrible in this woman’s life (or head) that made that seem like a good idea? Unless she’s a sociopath or something (which I doubt), something must be terribly wrong, and she needs help, right?)
Also, I wrote this after a long day yesterday and some off-blog conversations that got me pretty worked up. In saying that this was all about me, I didn’t mean I don’t appreciate people sharing their own birth experiences — in fact, quite the opposite. Hearing what worked/what didn’t, especially when people have experienced a range of differing outcomes, is extremely helpful, so I hope I don’t discourage that kind of sharing (IRL or online).
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I am right there with you on the education thing. I’m one who loves to know all the options and then finding out which option feels right for me. I went for the natural childbirth thing but I also had a Plan B just in case. Like someone else said, you do need to have a little flexibility in there because you never know how labor and delivery are going to go. You don’t want to risk the health of your baby or yourself because things MUST be done as planned.
I totally got the right vibe from your post: you were working out what might be right for YOU by posting your thoughts online. No one’s passing judgement–and no one should. As moms we make ourselves feel guilty enough without the need for others to do so.
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The whole “it’s me and my baby” thing makes total sense. I wish people were judgemental.
I went through the same thing with wedding planning. People were calling me selfish and I was all, “well it is my wedding and by darn it, I’m going to like it.”
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You surely didn’t offend me or put me off sharing what I went through, and I hope that I didn’t bug you with my sharing. I think this is one of the neatest results of the internet and blogosphere that we can “meet” and chat with others who come from all different perspectives and that allows us all kinds of options that were completely out of the realm of possibility 10-15 years ago. You know when we got married in ’02 we were weirdos, we met on the internet, drove 200 miles each to meet each other the first time, dated 8 months, got engaged, moved in together got married and proceeded in the first year we were married to have our first babe and be 2 mos preg with our second on our first anniversary.
Now our base story is not out of the norm at all.
The books were available, but the input from so many other moms ten years ago just wasnt always an option. Its a fantastic thing to be able to bounce things around and see what works for others and how it might work for us.
Whatever you choose, you are going about it with an awesome attitude!!
Steff
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Jane Reply:
March 5th, 2010 at 10:52 am
I appreciated your sharing. (It’s the defensiveness I got from some people — on and off the blog that got to me). It’s crazy — the internet can be such a valuable resource, although honestly, sometimes my inability to express exactly what I mean really, really frustrates me.
So, about meeting online — Tom and I met online (on a class listserv — we were in different sections of the same course/program, so probably would have met IRL at some point) in 1998. Had a blind date a week later on Feb 14th, and married on June 13th. I loved telling people we met online, but now it doesn’t shock them as it used to!
(But you definitely excelled in the have-kids-right-away department!)
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