I just finished my second birth book and stomped downstairs to inform Dick that we’ll be needing to hire a doula, someone who can support me and advocate for my desires in childbirth. Dick says we don’t have the money for that (I know we don’t), so I say he can do it, but he’ll have to change his attitude, read at least three books, and commit to giving me the support I’m going to need.
The kind of support I need is the kind I sort of envisioned my mom giving me when I gave birth to Sally nine years ago. But instead of encouragement and inspiration she told me she was worried about me coping with labor because my pain threshold is lower than hers and that, by the way, she and my dad were flying back to Utah (from New York) the next day, so I better have the baby pretty soon. That’s completely unfair to my mom though, because I wasn’t prepared or informed about the dangers (and cascading interventions that often follow) of induction and epidurals or the alternative pain-management techniques I could practice or ask for and the benefits to mom and baby of allowing labor to be labor. And I was even more impatient than they were to get that baby here.
But now things are different, and the more I read, the more I’m sure that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Right now I feel really dangerous. I started with Baby Catcher, which is the perfect introduction to physiological/natural/midwifery-style childbirth. I had tried Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, but found it to New-Age-hippie for me. Baby Catcher hit all the right notes — a credentialed maternity RN who became a CNM and only gradually became suspicious of routine medical policies. And it’s told in entertaining story form, so I couldn’t put it down, even as I cried at the happy (and occasionally tragic) outcomes. It’s a history of maternity care and midwifery in the United States from the 1960s to the 1990s and it includes being sued, which surprised me, and it profiles so many helpful descriptions of what labor can look like (instead of how it should progress).
Then I started reading Pushed, and though it has a lot of helpful statistics, like, “a woman is four times more likely to die having a cesarean section than a vaginal birth” (p. xix) and that episiotomies increase the likelihood of perineal tearing by nine times rather than reducing it (p. 30) (outcomes for baby are similarly adversely affected by interventions), I got bogged down in the dense, overwhelmingly bleak detail. Though I did learn that the problem is not that we have technology and interventions available, but that these things (inductions, forceps, c-sections, electronic fetal monitoring) began as helps for high-risk, medically-indicated situations and in spreading to low-risk, normally-progressing labors, do more harm.
So I switched to Henci Goer’s Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth and gulped it down at once. It’s a great, simple read with appendices stretching from here to infinity of study after study that show that managed/active care (rather than supportive care) is not superior, and in most cases, unhelpful or dangerous for both mother and baby. Someone on Twitter today said “the next person to equate no epidural with ‘getting a gold star’” would be in for it, and I can understand that reasoning. I don’t want to listen to anyone brag about being a “real” woman for staying strong or being above the pain, but the problem with an epidural is not that it represents “failure” (it doesn’t — I’ve had three, and my kids and I turned out just fine, an indisputable measure of “success” if any there is), but that done as a matter of course, without study and informed choice and as a last resort, it opens the door to way too many other medical interventions that I would like to avoid.
Reading these books, it seems a miracle I didn’t end up with a c-section the first time. And before anyone leaves a “My baby and I would’ve died if we hadn’t gotten an xyz,” please preface that by saying you didn’t start out getting induced three days before your due date because your doctor was going out of town. Sure a medical intervention might’ve saved your life and your baby’s life, but unless your labor until then was medical-intervention free (or super-limited, like, to intermittent fetal tone-listening or something) , it really doesn’t mean that much. (If you were high-risk the whole time or had one of those rare complications, then thank goodness for modern medicine, because that’s what it’s for, right?)
I also feel like saying I don’t want to talk about this to anyone (Ryan, I’m looking at you) who hasn’t read the same books I have, but that’s not fair either. If someone had said anything like this to me five years ago, I would’ve slashed their sustainable-bamboo tires.
And I admit, I’m scared of the pain. I’m scared I won’t be able to endure labor without begging for relief. (So a shiny gold star would be nice to look forward to). I’m scared that when I have this baby in a hospital, someone’s going to break my waters or hook me up to a machine without my consent. About the only thing I’m confident of is that I’ll have a better birth for me and the baby this time, even if I do end up with an epidural or a c-section or anything, because this time I’ll know why.
After even the little that I have read, it seems odd to even entertain the notion “but does it matter how you give birth? Isn’t the only important thing that you end up with a healthy baby?” (odd and also absurd because going as non-medically as possible is actually safer for low-risk and even moderate-risk mothers), but I want to address it because I have a thought on it.
When I was growing up, my parents always said it was important to marry the right person at the right time in the right place. The right person would be known to you through God, as would the right time, and the right place was always the temple. I remember watching Fiddler on the Roof and my dad pointing out that he thought only the oldest daughter managed to get all three rights together. And the three rights might make God happy, but more importantly they make for easier marriages and happier people (think how sad the third daughter was to have to leave everything familiar behind to marry a nonbeliever in a time of war (when her own people were persecuted by the same group her husband belonged to); sure love conquers all, etc, but it’s a lot harder, right?).
So in the birth analogy, it’s obvious that what is important is the mornings you wake up to make breakfasts cheerfully (even if you have to fake it), and the times you tenderly comfort your headstrong five-year old when she hurts herself doing something you told her seven times not to do. Surely the twelve or twenty-four hours you spend in birth are meaningless set against the lifetime of mothering you’ll give that child.
But that twelve or twenty-four hours is the time you become the mother of that child, just as the ten-minute ceremony in the temple is the time you become a wife or a husband. In the years of a marriage, forgiving quickly and forbearing to nag over the stinky compost that sits on the deck attracting mice instead of getting stirred into your lovely compost turner are what matters, not a ritual smattering of words by an officiator you’ll never see again.
But it does matter. You can go to the right place later as long as you have the right person; you can find the right person your second time, of course you can, but the point is that your goal is to eventually have it all.
I’m not saying that the right birth for me (let alone anyone else) is a completely natural birth at home whenever the baby wants to come. I’m pretty sure I’ll be at a hospital, with a midwife, and I’ll try to do it naturally, and if I change my mind because of back labor for seventy hours or I go past 42 weeks (my current cut-off) or something changes it for me like the baby in real distress, as long as I know why, it’ll be just right.
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Sounds like the time I told my husband to really think about homebirth and give it a solid judgement but just a seconds thought. So the next day he had some literature from Dr’s about how it is not as safe as hospital births. I haven’t read the same books as you but I am not done reading yet. I liked Active Birth, by Janet Balaskas. I think it gives good advice for any kind of birth, but especially nonmedicated. I am pretty much set on getting a doula at least (I have a sister-in-law who is one, let me know if your interested in talking to her) and a midwife if I can. I am also scared of the routine interventions that lead to more interventions.
I too have received the “my baby would have died” comment, now I know what to ask next, thank!
To me it boils down to what is the ultimate safest way to have a baby, not what is most comfortable for me, or sounds more exciting to try. So, I think I am in the hospital but with an advocate for natural birth at my side the whole time. I also want to do all I can to prepare myself for natural sush as exercise, yoga stretches, and practicing other pain management techniques. This is also my first so I don’t really have a lot to go off of. Good luck making your own decision!
Jane Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:48 am
One point Henci Goer makes (I’ll send you the book — send me your address) is that you don’t have to choose between what’s safest for baby and best/most comfortable for you — they’re usually the same thing (unless you think you’ll just be most comfortable getting an epidural at 2 cm dilated). Seriously, also read Baby Catcher — I’d send that to you, but my friend Rixa lent it to me.
Jane Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:57 am
Yes, send me your SIL’s name please (is she in Utah?). I wanted to say also that the literature I have seen referenced shows that for low-risk births homebirth is as safe as hospital birth. In fact the British equivalent of the ACOG stated this recently (in the 90s) and said women should be encouraged to consider that as an option. One reason I am not really considering it at this point is that I live 35 minutes from the hospital, on a good traffic day, and when there is bad traffic, it can be awful. That is too far for a transfer.
Another thing — Henci Goer’s book is fantastic in discussing the medical, monetary, and gender biases that many ob’s have, which color everything from their beliefs to their practics (which are so often not supported by even their own ACOG).
You’ve got to do what’s best for you. Whether it’s the usual way (epidural in the hospital), a home birth, a doula, hypnobirthing, etc. You’re a great mom, you’ve done this before. Do what YOU feel to be best. You don’t owe anyone any further explanation.
Jane Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:53 am
I agree to a point, but I’m still figuring it out, which is why I don’t mind discussing (in fact it helps me to write it out), and also, I feel I do need to get my husband on board. I’m a little frustrated, because I really do need his support — I can’t do it without that, you know? Even if I did have the best doula ever.
Having given birth to six children I feel like I can make an educated statement about childbirth. I have done epidurals and natural (baby #5 was natural. Actually Hypnobirth. I figured by then the baby would probably fall out. Not true.) I have to say that I really liked having an epidural. It was just so much more of a pleasant experience. I was in so much pain after the natural birth that I couldn’t even open my eyes to look at my baby, let alone hold her. There was no euphoria. No endorphins. Just pain. And I have a super high pain threshold. The only thing better about a natural childbirth is being able to be smug about it to people you know. Because, like it or not, there is a little bit of “I’m a better woman because I didn’t have an epidural.” I think it’s complete nonsense, but people really buy into it.
Also, I was on my Hypnobirth teacher’s Naughty List because I said that tearing naturally was much more painful than having an episiotomy. When they cut you, they do it where they know there won’t be much strain. But when you rip, it can go any which way. My tearing hurt like the dickens and I could feel it ever time I moved.
I was also induced for my natural childbirth and yep, it hurt. But labor was nothing compared to the mindblowing pain of pushing the baby out. Not only that, but your husband is so into helping you that he can’t cue the music, turn on the camcorder or do any of that other stuff. Instead of hiring a doula, maybe you should just hire an AV specialist. He can take great photo and videos and make sure the right music is playing.
Jane Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:45 am
The thing with being induced is that Pitocin makes the contractions longer and stronger, sometimes causing uterine hyperstimulation and distressed fetus because the baby can’t get oxygen during those abnormally-strong contractions, and it’s gonna hurt you more too.
It sounds like you were really lucky in your episiotomy and other factors. The literature shows that episiotomies are usually worse for healing, and the risk of third and fourth degree tears and later problems (fecal incontinence, etc) than natural tears. But that’s one of the things about birth — every woman, every labor is different. The best thing to do, I think, is to see what the evidence says and plan as best you can taking into account your own personal history and desires.
Oh, and I don’t have any good pictures (forget videos) from any of my births, and I’d be happy with an iPod playing music (I’ve never had music, either). So that kind of thing (an AV spec) doesn’t sound like something I’d worry about. But you’re right, if that’s important to you, that’s the kind of support you should have.
Jordan Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:59 am
I’ve only had two babies, but that’s the opposite of my experience. Labor was nice and delivery was painless (with forceps, too) with the epidural, but my recovery was very difficult (even before the spinal headache set in). I couldn’t move for hours afterward, even though they made me switch rooms. (“Lock your knees!” “What knees? Ryan [who was supporting my entire body weight], please lock my knees for me.”]
After my natural birth (and three days of labor), I was only in pain because they left me laying there FOREVER while they took my baby to the nursery. I wanted to get up! (And note to self: never, ever take the percocet again.)
Neither experience was euphoric—they were dang hard work, etc. I haven’t had a spiritual bonding experience in the delivery room. (I might have gotten there with my daughter, but the dr snapped at me to shut up and hold still.) But I’m planning on going natural for my next one. (At the same time, I’m trying not to be too “attached” to the outcome. You never know what could happen.)
I actually got to see my baby and hold her and nurse her that time (which had nothing to do with the birth method; my son had breathing problems, probably from having the cord around his neck—the reason I will never [purposefully] do homebirth: the external fetal monitoring showed that his heart rate slowed when I lay on one side. Never would have known he was getting 1/3 the oxygen if I hadn’t had that.)
On the other hand, I think it’s good to take a healthy dose of skepticism with all statistics. Yes, you’re more likely to tear with an epi (and I’m 2 for 2 there), but that’s probably because doctors are more likely to cut someone who’s going to tear anyway. Yes, epidurals make labor last longer, but you don’t CARE. That’s why labor lasts longer—you have no compelling need (or in many cases, sensation) to get that baby out!
Can’t wait to see all the fun comments about this topic!
Epidurals for me, all the way. I loved not being in pain and being able to remember and participate in everything that was going on. But I’m all for everyone choosing whicever way they think is best for them & their baby.
ps- I think Candice’s doula only cost like $100 or something. Check some out. Will insurance cover any of these costs?
Beautiful post. I always say “who cares how the baby gets out, as long as everybody involved is satisfied”. I was proud of myself for going fairly low-intervention with my second, but that’s not for everybody. I hope to be able to make my choices on the next go-around.
I don’t believe it does matter. I have had 3 births. The first I was induced on my due date because my blood pressure and weight shot up over 3 days. I had an epidural, which broke, back labor, and wound up doing the actual birth unmedicated. I tore and wound up with so many stitches they lost count. It was hours before I felt like doing much more than looking at Keifer. He was huge, 9 9 with a head 14 and 7/8. The largest baby in the nursery the entire time we were there. The dr had been telling me since my second ultrasound, that I had the smallest pelvic structure in an adult woman she had ever seen and she wasnt sure how I was going to have this baby I really ought to have a c section but she wanted me to try labor….After everything was said and done, when I went for my 6 week check up she said that she should have done a final ultrasound the day that she set the induction to see his size and just scheduled a c section.
We seriously considered a lawsuit.
With my second, I went into labor @ 35 w 6 d and fought with the hospital for 9 hours before they decided to do an internal and discovered he was breech & I was almost to a 6. they stopped labor @ 2 am and did an emergency c sec. My third was scheduled as a c sec @ 39 weeks. but water broke prior to scheduled date…it was nice to go in and get set up for leisurely c sec though not the massive emergency like the second.
so you see, I don’t think it matters one bit. Each of my babies arrived when God meant them to, and to the mama and daddy they were meant to have and the rest of it just is.
It certainly does not make me any less a mom.
Steff
Jane Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:06 am
Of course it doesn’t make you any less a mom.
I would feel like less a woman, a strong, independent woman, if I did not do all I could to educate and prepare myself for anything. I don’t regret how my other births turned out, but I do regret not being even interested in my options before.
Sorry, I hope that didn’t come out all wrong.
What I mean to say is that I do feel ashamed of myself for not reading a single book (maybe I read What to Expect, which is an awful book) or talking to a single childbirth educator before my first book. I signed up for an epidural without asking if it was safe, and I got induced because it was convenient for me. That made me feel disempowered and not-independent and strong when I started realizing that there are different ways to do things.
(I’m not saying in any way that you should have done anything differently.)
It doesn’t matter how things turn out (c-section, whatever), but what I do beforehand and how I conduct myself during — that does matter. (to me).
steff Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:02 am
I can agree with that sortof. Don’t waste the time being upset with yourself for what was so many years ago. Its not worth it. You are making different choices and weighing your options now for what is best this time.
I wound up doing a good bit of research the first time because I had Placenta Previa, and also I was concerned about back pain issues resulting from epidurals. I spoke with several DRS and a nurse friend all who assured me that issue was very small % etc. Well either a good % of women I know fall in that very small % or the drs just say what they want you to do. I still have HORRID back pain on a semi regular basis as a result of a nerve that was likely hit by the epidural. If I had to do it all again to be honest I would have insisted they do a final ultrasound for size and continued insisting until either they induced 2 weeks earlier or did a section.
I educated myself but wasnt strong enough to stand up for what I felt was right.
Baby wound up fine, but I will have to deal with some of the consequences forever.
Steff
Jane Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:49 am
You’re right — I can’t waste time on regrets, etc.
I think one of the reasons you are satisfied with how things turned out (despite physical consequences) — why you said it “doesn’t matter” is because you were informed and had done your research. That’s what I think matters as far as feeling “successful” goes.
I used to think that it did matter how you gave birth. I had five children using the hypnobirth method and my own variations. I wrote about it here: http://utahmomslife.blogspot.com/2009/03/hypnobirthing-my-experience.html
I read Henci’s book shortly after my second child was born. I loved it partly because it validated what I already believed.
I had five amazing experiences and for a long time was convinced that something that spiritual could only happen naturally. The older I get the more I realize that idea is completely ridiculous. Although I personally would never give up my own experiences, I’m sure that women who choose to have an epidural can have an equally spiritual experience.
Jane Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:22 am
I have a good friend who commented on a previous post that her experience (spiritual) of bonding and having a special birth moment was better with her three epidurals than with her natural (4th) birth, because of the absence of pain w/ the epidurals.
I agree that a spiritual experience can be had under any circumstances, IF the mother feels strong, empowered, and in control (and I think you can even feel in control of having a cesarean if you feel that it is the absolute right decision for you at that time). Like what Steff says above — her cesareans were absolutely right for her; for other women (esp. those who feel strongly about VBAC), it’s a different story).
Having an epidural (which never was the amazing, transcendant experience for me that some women describe, mostly because it always only worked on one side and then when that was fixed I was so numb I worried I’d fall off the table) was a relief from pain for me, but I never felt strong, in control or empowered (I felt chained down, immobilized, helpless, weak), which is why I’d like to try something different.
Possibly if I’d had great epidurals that allowed me to move my legs I wouldn’t even be having this conversation.
(I do appreciate your sharing how your views have changed.)
Where to start….
The books you’ve started with are really good ones. It took me a couple of years to work up to the more clinical and spiritual books. The new age birth goddess stuff can get really overwhelming. The downside to opening those pages and finishing those books is never being able to take the knowledge back. I know I was never able to look at birth the way I did before.
I’ve never had an epidural or had a baby in a hospital. So I can’t speak for the experience. I have been a doula at many hospital births, and in my opinion you do need a Doula when planning a natural birth in a hospital. I know that there are plenty of good volunteer and low fee doulas out in the world (I am one of them!). Get the word out there. Figure what you can afford (if anything) and start making offers. Some DONA certified Doulas also bill insurance.
As for my own birth experience. At 23 my best friend and I both became pregnant and she started seeing an OB. After hearing about a couple of her appointments and a trip to a natural birth convention I was scared. Scared of having an epidural, scared of doctors, and scared of not being in control of my body. Luckily we both had completely healthy pregnancies and gave birth at a waterbirth center with CPM’s. They were beautiful, empowering births that we walked away from feeling like we had accomplished something. Not only did it make our relationship stronger but it really strengthened my opinion of myself.
I guess the point of melting our stories was that I wouldn’t have done it without her. She was like my doula. Giving me support when I doubted myself and going first. Letting me know that after all the pain and hard work that it was worth it. Natural birth isn’t any easier or harder than medically induced birth. And it doesn’t make for bragging rights. It does however matter to some people. No matter how grateful I am for the healthy toddler sitting next to me. My heart would have broken if my birth would have gone any other way. It was the most intense 14 hours of my life. I cried, screamed and sweated into my partners arms.* So yes. The birth itself really matters to me.
Good luck with everything and I hope you get exactly what you want out of this baby’s birth.
*Ok so that was a fib. I didn’t want him touching me. He counted from 1-120(and sometimes started over) through every one of my contractions. From the other side of the room. Exactly where I wanted him.:)
Utah Mom Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 4:25 pm
I agree that having a birth partner is especially important for natural birth. I hired a doula (also my hypnobirthing instructor) for my first delivery. Things happened faster than we anticipated and she couldn’t make it to the hospital. My husband was an awesome pinch hitter (he attended the classes with me). He has been the greatest birthing partner ever and has “caught” four of the five babies. I also had ceritified nurse midwives who knew what I wanted from the deliveries and were great to work with us. We discussed it often at my appointments.
Remember that fear causes the muscles to be tense which causes pain. Relax and delight in the power of your body.
I actually love giving birth–people regularly give me strange looks when I say that, but it’s true. Being pregnant, not so much. But I love the anticipation of going into labor; that magical moment when I feel the first *real* contractions and realize that I will be meeting my new baby that day; the empowerment I feel as I relax and allow my body to do one of the things it was created to do; and then the overwhelming joy of nursing my tiny infant.
My niece who has had three babies using the hypnobirthing method describes that moment of delivery as orgasmic.
Jane Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:33 am
I am so suspicious of the orgasmic birth thing. So suspicious. ;p But I hear you on the relaxation thing. I do tense against pain — learning to not do that will be a big thing.
Utah Mom Reply:
March 4th, 2010 at 9:35 am
Remember how you described sex to your daughter–giving birth is similar–a feeling of intense pressure and then the glorious relief. When you are sufficiently relaxed and not scared this can be a very pleasurable feeling (just like sex).
Jane Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:32 am
Ashley — Thanks for the doula suggestions and the beautiful birth stories. I like the thought of you and your friend having parallel experiences. (And I know what you mean about not wanting your partner to touch you — my poor husband. ;p
For some reason this post makes me glad I’m not pregnant right now and that I don’t have to make any decisions like that.
On a side note, it sounds like I got from my Mom exactly what you wanted from yours. She was there with me through my first two deliveries, and I can honestly say that I couldn’t have done it without her. She was amazing, while Eldon seemed to always be watching down below. She obviously wasn’t in there for my c-section with the twins, but she was there afterwards. I couldn’t have done any of it without her. And Eldon, of course.
Good luck and you go girl!
Jane Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:53 am
I know what you mean. I was actually just saying to Chrysanthemum (on our walk) that after talking and thinking about all this, it’s tempting (really tempting) to say, why bother to do all the reading and preparing and work just so you can feel all that pain? The epidurals were “good enough” last time, and everything worked out, so why go to all this trouble (mental/physical, etc). And then I think about people who do incredible things, like run marathons. You wouldn’t think of doing that without training and mental preparation. Luckily, this is all also really interesting and compelling right now to me.
While I am a freakazoid nutjob homebirther, I don’t push that on others. I certainly felt it was best for me, but I would never recommend it to a first-timer or someone with complications, or someone who just can’t get past the conventional allopathic approach. The important thing is not how you give birth, but that you make the choice for yourself and that you have the right to make that choice, whatever it may be. I recently put a quote on FB, that giving birth is not a time a woman should have to FIGHT for anything!
If you really would like a doula, you really don’t need money. Go to dona.com (doulas of North America) and find a doula training place near you. Before a doula can be certified they have to attend a certain number of births. My mom went through this as a doula and actually had a really hard time finding anyone who would let them doula them for FREE! Find someone waiting for their certification, then talk with them and make sure they’re a good fit for you, and you will be helping them at the same time they are helping you.
To me, the worst thing about childbirth is that it’s always just different enough to keep you on your toes. I think that after having three children I have a decent idea of what my perfect birth situation would be, yet I’m certain that if we do have #4, it will end up so different than I could have ever imagined.
I’ve had three nonmedicated births. I went into all three saying to myself that I’d get an epidural if I wanted one, and unfortunately (fortunately?) it’s been too late in the game at that point. My first birth was so quick and, as any woman knows, the pain was so unlike anything I’ve ever felt in my life that it totally overwhelmed me. For a few hours after the birth I was actually a bit angry at my son for putting me through all of that! And for days the pain was really all I could think of. The next two times I gave birth were not as bad, mainly because I had a better idea of what I had signed up for. I think for me an ideal birth would include an epidural. And I can honestly say that the way my children were brought into the world doesn’t matter, but then again, their births were all relatively uneventful and if they would have been truly horrible, I’d probably feel differently. I’ve always had wonderful practitioners who have always respected my wishes.
I’ve thought that maybe a home birth would be nice, but I actually enjoy my alone time with the baby in the hospital after he is born. I suppose I could ship off my other kids for a day or two, but that hardly seems fair to them, plus if I was at home I would just be annoyed that the house was a mess but I didn’t have enough energy to clean it.
Jane Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:36 am
For me what matters is the thought and care I give to it in preparation, much more that how things turn out, bec. as you say, who can guess how it will end? I want to think and care as much about that first experience with my kid as I do with all the other milestones I enjoy with all my kids. (Does that make sense?)
And, oh do I agree with you on every instance of having one-on-one time with the baby while dad takes the older ones (at church, hospital, dinner time, etc). And I even like hospital food — because it’s something I haven’t had to make myself!
Alison Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:35 pm
Reading your responses to the comments I totally understand where you are coming from in terms of preparation. I just get bugged by people who seem so incredibly set on how they want to give birth. I think it’s great to be prepared and have some sort of planned, but I come into contact with so many people who are just so dead set on their plan that if it goes awry they freak out because they didn’t get the birth they wanted. But maybe if they would have just been a wee bit more flexible, their overall experience would have been better. Preparation and knowledge is important, but I guess maybe sometimes people take it too far?
My comments are in no way directed at you and your preparation, just a general trend that I’ve observed.
I had no.1 in hospital after doing pretty much all the labour at home myself. Wish I’d never gone in – it was awful, noisy, dirty, impersonal, frightening, and I felt I had no privacy and no control over what was happening. I had to share my midwife with the woman in the next door room, so midwife would disappear often for long stretches of time. I was even told off for crying out, because I’d ‘disturb’ the woman next door!
I was too late to have pain relief, intervention with drugs to restart contractions, which ended up in botch-job of episiotomy and a jaundiced baby. Needless to say the aftershocks of all this on relationship with baby A resonated for several years (but, 11 years on, we like each other now lol!)
Had the next 2 babies at home after having a long long chat with a very experienced midwife. I’d initially said that I would go into hospital and have every drug known to man(!), but after talking to her it gave me the confidence to trust in my body and have faith in my ability to do it.
Again, no pain relief (apart from gas and air with no2 – midwife was too busy didn’t get around to bringing it along for no.3). Pain, yes, but manageable.
Home birth was definitely best for me. I felt in control, happy in my own surroundings – able to pee in my own toilet, wear what I wanted, watch tv, eat when I wanted and not feel at any moment that someone was going to wire me up to a machine! I could cry out, make all those animal noises without feeling selfconcious. My partner was happier, more relaxed, it was easier to manage the other child(ren) and I didn’t have the worry and stress of ferrying small children off to alternative childcare. AND midwives treat you so different in your own home – your the boss, they’re the guest.
In hospital I felt I had no say and became timid and submissive to interventions that I wasn’t happy with. And in hospital I never got any rest at all – on a shared ward, even if your baby slept then someone elses baby was crying which would set them all off, so no sleep for 4 days and the cleaners woke us up, flinging back the curtains (whether you were decent or not or even if you were asleep) every morning at 7am!
Maybe hospital births are different in the US, maybe the care and the aftercare is better. But I’ve heard that unecessary interventions are even more frequent than here in the UK because of fear of litigation.
Jane Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:38 am
I think hospitals vary widely even within the U.S., and I’ve almost always been happy with my nurses and other staff. I think that they would have supported me, had I but known to ask or to just do things differently. (Maybe I am overly optimistic/naive; I guess we’ll see). And one thing is for sure, the maternity rooms are all private, so that is a BIG thing.
I read your site often, but rarely leave comments. But, I hope you don’t mind my commenting here. Who doesn’t love to talk about their birth experience(es)?
I’ve always wanted a natural birth. I loved Ina May’s books. I loved the hypnobirthing technique. I loved my midwifes. But, every delivery has been different and I’ve come to realize that you kind of have to just live in the moment and listen to your body when the time comes to bring your baby into the world.
My first birth experience was horrible (despite having a wonderful midwife and supportive husband). I held off on an epidural for 18 hours and finally gave in after being on pitocin for 11 hours and dialated to a 9 for over 2 hours. I prayed and felt that an epidural would help me progress. I loved that epidural, and loved that in relaxing I finally finished dilating and brought our son into the world.
When I got to the hospital with my second, I was already dilated to a 7 and my contractions were coming fast and strong, but the pain was nothing compared to the pain I was in with my first. I thought, “Awesome. In a few hours our baby will be here, and I can totally make it naturally this time.” For some reason, though, I felt prompted to get an epidural. I didn’t know why, but I followed that prompting and got one. Too bad for me I developed chorioamnionitis in my uterus. I started suffering from the infection and the fever it brought on, and an emergency c-section was performed when my baby’s heart rate suddenly shot up and wouldn’t go down. I was dilated to a 9 when they took her, but again my body was dilating slowly and they needed to get her out so that the infection wouldn’t pass on to her. That was scary, and the delivery was horrible. But, I’m grateful that I had gotten that epidural because it allowed me to be awake when our daughter was born.
I’m also grateful that I was in a hospital setting where that needed intervention could take place. I really don’t know what I would have done if I had been at home for that birth. That wasn’t a c-section that happened because of several previous interventions that had happened or to appease a doctor’s timetable. And I’m grateful that both my baby and I were safe and well.
My third was awesome. Great labor, epidural wore off by the time I was fully dilated and I had the best delivery experience. Holding my baby after that was so peaceful and amazing. Not to mention my thrill at having had a successful VBAC.
My fourth (just recently) wasn’t so great. But, again, it was the epidural (again after praying about it) that got me to relax and allow my body to dilate.
I’ve come to learn that YES, my body can and will do all that it needs to do in order to bring a baby into this world. It does it slowly, and it isn’t going to meet the timetable set up by the hospital. But, I am capable and able to do what I need to do. However, I know that I need to listen to the guidance of our Father in Heaven in knowing how best to manage that labor and delivery process. I’ve found that no amount of reading can take the place of the guidance I receive from Him.
Jane Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:41 am
You can comment any time!
Thanks for sharing. I believe in personal revelation, and that Heavenly Father definitely watches over us and answers prayers.
And I do believe you completely about the epidural allowing you to relax enough to dilate all the way. I know I tense against pain, so trying to work around/through that will be one challenge for me (among so many ;p).
I think how you gave birth might matter TO YOU and perhaps (perhaps) to YOUR HEALTH – but as far as making anyone a better mother for choosing one SENSIBLE birthing plan over another? Total nonsense IMO.
I had four c-sections, all planned, all not optional because of my cephalopelvic disproportion (CPD). Of COURSE it didn’t make a difference in what type of a mom I am.
Now if I was a woman who didn’t NEED a c-section, planning a c-section for my own convenience? Well – that would be risky and foolish. But it would have no bearing on what kind of a mom I would or wouldn’t be, other than to perhaps be an indicator that I might tend to make risky and foolish choices.
And I am SO SO over the smugness (not from YOU, but in general) that absolutely pours out of so many women who choose a non-medicated natural birth. It’s the ultimate unnecessary martyrdom.
Jane Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:25 am
I agree that smugness is bad, and my metaphor about the laboring and birthing mattering breaks down, but I take issue with the unnecessary martyrdom thing — by that measure, why try to do anything, work towards any goal that you personally feel is best for yourself and your kids? And if it’s demonstrably safer for both mother and baby (who don’t have CPD, who aren’t otherwise high-risk) to labor as naturally as possible, how is striving for that “unnecessary” or “martyrdom”?
Maybe I haven’t emphasized this enough — but my epidurals were not magical incantations. They worked on one side, they numbed me till I almost fell off the table — and my inductions produced contractions more painful, more prolonged, and more dangerous to my babies than natural contractions would have been. How is wanting to avoid those things unnecessary martyrdom?
Jane Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:44 am
And here’s how I want to articulate the “mattering” thing:
For me what matters is the thought and care I give to childbirth in preparation, not how things turn out, bec. I am ultimately not in control of how it ends. I do want to think and care as much about that first experience with my kid as I do with all the other milestones I enjoy with all my kids — my desire and preparation and responsibility are what matter — not the eventual/final method of delivery.
I’m late to the party, but just wanted to pop in and say hell yes you can do it! Have you heard the saying that childbirth is something you do, not something that happens to you? No matter what happens this time, you’re informed and consequently, you’ll feel better about what’s going on. If you decide not to go the unmedicated route, that’s one thing, but if you want to try natural birth and are just worried if you’re capable of it, guess what? You can do it. I promise. Women having been doing this a long time. Hard things are scary but doable and totally empowering. I’ve had two wonderful experiences with unmedicated births and am great at pep talks so let me know if you need one.
Italics fail. Whoops.
Carolina Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 4:15 pm
Jane, I completely agree that the key here is choice. And uninformed choice is not much of a choice at all. Sadly, I think informed choice has not been a part of the customary birth experience for the last seventy years or so.
Before I had Alex, I read a lot, watched a lot of birth videos (both natural and otherwise), even looked for a doula. My mom told me that it was better to go into birth without knowing a whole lot of details so that I wouldn’t be as scared. (My sister actually made it a policy to not read anything about the birthing experience before giving birth to her first!) I admit that thinking about the birth did make me a little more nervous than I would have otherwise been (mostly because I realized how many options there were). But I’m hypochondrial and obsessive by nature, so I just kept on reading. Based on what I was reading, the outside observer might have assumed I wanted a natural birth. Ultimately, though, I opted for an epidural immediately after being admitted to the hospital. Failure? No. I just decided I’d rather birth without the pain (or at least some of the pain–it didn’t work on one side) and was aware of the potential side effects, as well as the potential benefit to my state of mind. When my doctor ordered a pitocin drip to speed up labor, I hesitated to challenge his directive and let the nurse attach the drip line. However, I didn’t believe the potential side effects of pitocin were worth it to have my baby a little earlier. Five minutes later, though, I realized that I should be in control and called the nurse in and asked her to remove the pitocin. She hesitated, but did it anyway after checking with the doctor. I’m glad I spoke up. Altogether, my labor was just five hours, which I think is plenty short (for me, even if not for a doctor worried about making his 9:00 am appointment).
I count the experience a successful one, not because everything went as I had imagined, but because I had some basis on which to make decisions. Maybe this time I’ll do things differently. As long as I don’t feel like I am a passive observer of my own labor, I will feel like it has been a good experience.
Oh, I must ad that I did fail in one respect: the episiotomy. I had decided that I really did not want one, unless absolutely necessary, but I let the doctor perform one without even explaining why it was necessary. I think I was just so excited that my baby was so close to being born, I just said, “fine.” I wish I had at least asked for a little more information about what was going on down there and about whether giving the baby a little more time to come out more gradually would have posed a risk.
First time on your site. I just want to say that after reading all those same books, I came away with the same sentiment that you’ve expressed — it’s not necessarily about the outcome (though of course you have your druthers), it’s about the preparation and the empowerment that comes from making informed choices and understanding the possible and likely outcomes of those choices. I tried to express that in a post of my own and was met with a lot of “my baby/I would have died if…” It was frustrating because I wasn’t trying to sell anyone on a drug-free birth, I was trying to suggest self-education, and I was met largely with defensiveness. Arg!
By the way, I had my first and only (so far) at a birth center with a midwife, and even though the pain was more excruciating than I could’ve imagined (I was screaming for drugs by the time I hit transition; luckily I was pushing before the nurse came back with the needle) and the way I tore required almost 5 weeks to completely heal, I have no regrets — because it was my choice.
Good luck to you!
It may be hard to find one, but some doulas don’t charge anything. I’m not charging as a doula while I’m working on my DONA certification. The doulas who don’t charge typically have gone to some kind of training workshop but have only been to no or a few births. I’m not sure where you live (I heard about this post from Rixa’s blog), but I’m in AZ, and I know women who took the doula workshop with me who live in Logan, UT and one in NM. Otherwise, you can ask around – ask any doula if they know of anyone.
I am pretty offended that you chose Dick over me to be your Doula… especially after I offered to read “Doulas for Dummies”. That is real friendship. I was even going to plant your placenta under a tree… but apparently you want your husband to do that. Where is your loyalty? ;-P
I think the only thing that matters about giving birth is that you were able to do it the way you want and feel comfortable with. Whether that is in your living room or on a operating table.
And PS… totally willing to become learned in the ways of doulaing and help you through. It would be my honor!!!
I feel that it DOES matter. Because if the mother feels pushed, traumatized or in any other way upset by her birth it will matter to her. I didn’t like my first epidural birth. But that was because I felt pushed, cornered and didn’t feel empowered. My husband and I felt he was not an actual part of the process with me and that the nurses were trying to take his place. I hated the recovery as well and I felt like drugged up garbage. It made me feel disconnected to my baby and the entire experience. Like it happened to someone else, not to me. With my second I had a natural birth because I wanted to do it. I realized I didn’t want anyone telling me how I would birth my baby and I wanted to be present through it all. Because I didn’t have an epidural or pitocin I felt the amazing euphoria of oxcytocin. I was connected to my baby and in love that first moment.
But that was MY experience. My friend had a natural labor with her first, worked really hard through it all and decided she wanted to have her next kids with the epidural. The pain to her was not empowering, but felt like it took away from her experience. She has liked her epidural births much more. And another friend was pushed into an induction that made her labor so quick she couldn’t get an epidural. She hated her experience. With these many birth stories I read and with my own experience I feel that birth really DOES matter! It matters to the woman having the baby very much. If she chooses abc or d in labor and it was right for her, she will have a more positive experience. If she felt pushed, manipulated, coerced, her birth will feel that way- natural or medicated. I do feel that for every woman knowing the risks, interventions and the whys of what modern technology does with labor is important. Because only when we know of these things can we more fully make the right choice and truly the most informed choice for us. And if we have supportive care then whatever the choice, the birth will be better in the long run, even if there are un-forseen circumstances. And most women will feel like their birth mattered. Otherwise birth would not be defended so strongly.
Jane Reply:
March 4th, 2010 at 9:32 am
That’s a great perspective, and I agree — what matters is how a woman feels about it. I have a great friend who says she didn’t do any research, had three epidurals and an induction with the last, and each was perfect. I can’t fault her for not being interested in preparing, but I do think she was extremely lucky to be so satisfied with labors over which she didn’t exercise much control. I did not feel that lucky, and that’s one reason I’m curious to learn more.
You deserve a gold star for your research! However you may have OVER researched yourself into becoming more focuses on the birth than preparing for when the baby comes home.
Speaking from my own experience of giving birth at 37 years old, I did not pick up a single book about labor and delivery, nor did I spend a lot of time learning about what happens to my body during labor, childbirth classes etc… Don’t get me wrong, I planned to take a childbirth class and visit the hospital, BUT I got preeclampsia at 32 weeks and had my son the day before my husband and I were due to take the 8 hour hospital tour and lamaze class.
My lack of knowledge ended up being a hugely positive thing. I had less fear of pain, with each procedure from inducing labor to giving birth was clearly explained by my doctor and nurses. I had an epidural, a small episiotomie, and my baby was born in a relaxed pleasent environment. I did not scream, cuss or freak out at my husband even though I was terrified. The entire birthing process turned out to be like watching a movie without seeing the trailer first. Obviously I knew the outcome, but the innocence of not knowing what was next made it far more enjoyable for my husband and I.
I admire your tenacity to be well informed about giving birth. Overkill, maybe.
Jane Reply:
March 4th, 2010 at 2:28 am
Interesting. As for when the baby comes home, since it’s my fourth, I feel pretty ready, especially since my youngest will be almost four, and I am so glad the older kids are pretty independent.
On the amount of preparation that would be appropiate — huh. I like the analogy of birth to a marathon, and really I don’t feel I have done that much yet. (at all). Also, it’s not a chore or anything right now — it’s so fascinating that I can’t stop myself even if I wanted to, you know? Like that passionate feeling you get whenever you start learning something new. Also, since I, too, didn’t read anything (beyond What to Expect, which I think is awful) with my previous three, I’m a little more invested in doing it differently this time.
I’m glad your experience turned out so well!
Bottom line for me: If it matters to you, then it DOES matter.
I think that the most important part is your mindset. A lot of how we experience birth is based on how we expect it to be. For me even having had 2 wonderful natural births attended only by midwives (one hospital & one in a freestanding birth center) still left me feeling like something was missing. There were protocols to follow which intellectually I understood but were really unnecessary & that little bit of unnecessary management was enough to detract from an otherwise lovely experience. For me a lot of it comes from my belief that most births can happen with out medical intervention if we are prepared & willing to be patient. I have no problem walking around 3cm dilated for 4 weeks until my due date, some women would be running for an induction. Birth is very personal & what is right for one woman is right for but not necessarily anyone else. Once you have found your birthing truth, the choices that are right for you, then do everything in your power to achieve it because it does make a difference. The difference isn’t just in how you feel about the birth but also in how you & your spouse bond with your child. Not to say that a child will be loved any less because of the birth experience but the way in which the bonding happens can be different. Ask the dad who caught his own baby at home vs. watching his child be delivered in a hospital & there is a remarkable difference even to them. Personally I don’t think you can ever be too prepared, even knowing as much as I did/do both of my births have caught me off guard somehow. We’ll see what happens this time.
Best birthing wishes to you, Jane, may you have the birth you desire.
I applaud you for educating yourself. The actual choices we make for birth are less important than the fact that we are informed enough to make them for ourselves. (Not be ordered, coerced, manipulated, bullied etc.) I chose natural birth because after 9 months of putting nothing stronger than Tylenol or Tums in my system in order to protect my baby, I personally didn’t want heavy drugs that cross the placenta. And I wanted to avoid a c-section if at all possible, unless it were obviously an emergency. I was (am) relatively young, healthy, in good physical shape with no risks, so I was okay with the tradeoff of accepting a higher degree of pain if it meant a reduced chance of “the cascade of interventions.”
And I did hire a doula, who was amazing. I highly recommend getting a doula, and as others have suggested, there are those who will work for free. My husband was of the “sure, whatever you want babe” mindset, but he is squeamish and doesn’t deal well with strees, so I knew I would need the additional support of a doula. I had my natural birth, but without a huge digression, let’s just say the hospital experience was horrible for me. My second and third babies were born under the care of midwives, #2 at a freestanding birth center and #3 at home. Had I required a transfer to the hospital or a c-section, I knew I had done what I could to avoid that situation, and trusted my care providers to know that it truly was necessary. In other words, I felt ownership over my experience- I didn’t cede it to a doctor or a hospital or anyone else. To me, that was really important.
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your birth stories. I will be having my first this summer. I am scared of the hospital, and doctors, I have always been. but reading your stories makes me feel better about giving birth.
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