You know how they say the number one thing married people fight about is money?
I hate that it is the number one thing that Tom and I fight about too, because we don’t have one of those marriages. We have a happy marriage.
But bring out the budget talk, or, worse, the Freelance Eviscerator Taxes, and . . . Let’s face it, it’s mostly me. (Because I always do the taxes.) (And because I am a shrew the likes that would make milquetoast Bianca look good.)
Do you fight about money the most? (If you never fight, and by fight of course I mean “discuss rationally and lovingly but from understandably different points of view” then try to make something up, because I already feel bad enough.)
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Sadly we always “fight” about dinner. See, I hate chicken thighs. And my husband hates breasts (i love saying that) and I don’t like any other kind of meat really, and he doesn’t think it’s acceptable to eat a meal without meat…
Anyway, you can see what kind of tension we have when it comes to eating! Luckily he works most nights lately so I can just eat my broccoli tree and cookies, go to bed, and let him fend for himself
Actually, we usually fight about the kids, but we did have a big one about money this week and I definitely went to bed angry over it. He had spent a lot of money on something and had not only not discussed it with me, but had hidden the bill for it. I was furious, especially since he had done this before. We are definitely opposites when it comes to money – he is a spender and I am a saver, but usually he keeps his spending under control so we don’t fight about it.
Yep–Money. And I hate it because my husband is ALWAYS right in this particular area, and I know it. Yet I always fight him on it anyway.
Money. Yep. That’s a goodun. It’s a real power thing tho’ isn’t it?
I’ve always been used to earning and being financially independent, but haven’t really been able to earn much for several years because I’m at home with the kids (I work evenings a bit, but home education and work are mostly incompatible). And unlike most partnerships that I know of I get no regular money from dh at all. No housekeeping, nothing like that. Never have done. So to buy food, household stuff, and shoes and books for the kids feels like I’m constantly scrabbling around with the pennies.
And I so hate having to ask for money…you know that sort of cap-in-hand begging thing? Not what an independently-minded woman needs
Jane Reply:
February 20th, 2010 at 11:06 am
I’m pretty sure that’s why God invented credit cards. ;p
If I felt disenfranchised about the money, since I am not the one “earning” it, I just refer to the CNN Money thing that said a SAHM is worth over 100k. So, if that’s “his” money, then start paying my salary, baby. (Luckily our fights are not over this, they’re over w-4′s and quarterly taxes and how come we can’t live within our budget?)
Big Mamma Frog Reply:
February 20th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
I think dh’s answer would be ‘Well it was your decision to home educate, if you don’t like it put them in school and get a job.’ Actually I don’t think that would be his answer, I know. We’ve had that – er – discussion
Still when there’s only a 2-week-old lettuce and margarine for dinner because I’ve been telling him for 2 weeks that I’ve got no money he gets the hint…lol
Brandi Reply:
February 20th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
Big Mamma Frog,
I’m curious–what does you husband spend “his” money on if you are paying for all the household expenses? He lives there. He eats. He enjoys the benefits of the “household stuff.”
As for things like shoes for the kids, that’s just ridiculous! If they’re his kids, he’s just as responsible for the cost of their care as you are!
I’m sorry. I’m just furious on your behalf.
Big Mamma Frog Reply:
February 20th, 2010 at 3:15 pm
Lol! I wish I knew, it’s not like he’s goes out or buys stuff, but there’s just never much to go around. It’s probably not entirely his fault – if I ask then sometimes he’ll give me a bit, but then it feels like a handout. So maybe it’s my problem in that I just hate having to ask for money (I wish I didn’t have to). The occasional handout on request just doesn’t make an independent girl feel good does it? My hunch is that he spent far too long as a batchelor to change his ways…but the benefits are that he’s very proficient around the house and has an enthusiasm for cleaning floors
Oh, I thought you were going to say “never go to bed angry” — and I was prepared to “fight” you on that one. When I’m pooped, talking things out prior to sleep is not an option. Everything looks better in the morning.
Jane Reply:
February 20th, 2010 at 11:08 am
For my home ward bridal shower, the ladies passed around a notebook where they all wrote their best advice to me. One one page it said never go to sleep angry, and on the facing page is gave the advice you do. I always think of that, and I always prefer to just go to bed when things are that bad. Because you’re right, it’s always better in the morning.
Big Mamma Frog Reply:
February 20th, 2010 at 1:49 pm
yeah sometimes talking things through before you go to bed is a really bad idea…those issues that seemed SO important and you were willing to defend to the death at 11pm often seem trivial the following morning.
Money is one of several things that causes tension in our marriage. I handle all the money because it stresses my husband out. He is overly cautious because he worries about it so much. Things have been a bit better since I went back to working last December (just during school hours). I got my own checking account and now feel I have the ability to take care of some of the things I felt he would not want me to spend money on. The downside, though, is that I am gone from home and have less time now to get other things done around the house. I guess life is never perfect.
PS I agree that going to bed while angry and tired is best–at least for me.
sorry to disappoint but we don’t fight. have you ever fought with Josh? it takes two to fight, and since he doesn’t fight, i can’t manage on my own.
luckily neither of us spends any money, other than on the basics like food and car insurance. neither of us wants a fancy car or electronics. our cell phones are used, old, and half broken. we have no intention of ever owning a TV and my father is generous enough to buy us a new computer every two years. so if no one around here spends money, what’s there to fight about? it just slowly accumulates in the bank…
the only thing i complain about is my husband’s doctor opinions. i always think that i know better how to treat myself and my children. what do doctors know about those things?
Sex. He would like more, I would be happy with less. I suspect it has a lot to do with having another baby: all those breastfeeding hormones, feeling “touched out,” combined with waking up 3-5 times a night still, etc. I remember that when I got my period back 17 months after my daughter was born, I suddenly had some interest again. We don’t fight over it, in the bickering/arguing/yelling sense, but there’s definitely many moments of tension when he feels rejected and I just plain don’t want to be touched and want to sleep.
Right now, our fights/adult discussions are more around a new house, new (replacement) car for him, and second child. If we fought about money, we should really be fighting now, as he’s potentially got a doozy of a tax bill for last financial year (as in the bill is more than I earn), but our accountants are going to appeal the tax office or something.
New house – he’s OK with dealing with another flood. I’ve pretty much said that if (when) this house floods again, I am taking M and checking into a hotel until the house is cleaned up. I am THAT unwilling to clean up again, even if we have WAY less stuff downstairs.
New/replaecment car – DH imported his car from the US when he moved back here 10 years ago, and got it converted to right-hand drive. (It’s just a 96 Mustang, and only a V6, not anything especially fancy). Now it’s starting to get old, need parts, which are only available in the US, and it’s been at the mechanic for over two months waiting on parts to be imported. It was at the mechanics for over three months last year, and that was the only reason it wasn’t written off in the second flood – it luckily wasn’t at home. Until DH found out that the parts would be available, he was considering a new car … now that it’s fixable, he’s not. Until the next time something in the 14 yo car breaks and it sits at the freaking mechanics for months …
Another child – Pre-flood, we were thinking of moving our study downstairs, and the third bedroom could actually be a bedroom for the first time in 10 years living here. Now, there’s no way we’d put our computers downstairs. M’s bedroom is about 2mx2m, no idea in feet (guess not quite 7footx7foot). With bed,change table, drawers, there isn’t room for a cot. Our formal lounge/dining area is a storage unit. There have been helpful suggestions that we turn our formal lounge into a nursery. Yeah, open room, right next to our bedroom, front door opens to this room, no fan, no air con, windows open up near the noisy-sex-making-neighbours windows … arrgghhhh.
Never mind what the heck do we do with the lounges and coffee table???
Sheesh, didn’t realise I’d vent this much …
Jane Reply:
February 21st, 2010 at 9:09 am
Those all sound like “valid” arguments, so . . . good luck? (And you make me realize, again, that Americans are, by and large, pretty spoiled when it comes to square feet. We will be squeezing a crib into Sally’s room, which is probably 10×11 (I should measure). It’ll still be tight, but doable.
Jane Reply:
February 21st, 2010 at 9:09 am
Oh, and I am so with you on not cleaning up after a flood again. I haven’t even done it once, and I am SO with you!
So we fight most about housework. How much gets done, and who should be doing it at any given time. In fact, come to think of it, we fight the most about time in general and how it is being spent. I guess in our life we that is what is most highly budgeted and always in short demand, so we fight over it.
Jane Reply:
February 21st, 2010 at 9:06 am
Interesting about time being the most highly budgeted thing. I.e. whatever is your most scarce resource (or perceived to be most scarce, bec. I know theoretically we should have “enough” money.)
Shannon,
I just came across your blog and it’s terrific! It was so great to meet you at the Seth Godin event!
We fight about money all the time. About how I spend too much of it. Which disintegrates into a “who spends more” blow-by-blow bout. This last time he brought it up (credit card bill came), I just said, “yeah, I spent way too much” and left it at that. He barely knew what to say.
We also fight about brown eggs vs. white. Yes, I know brown eggs are 70¢ more per dozen but I love how quaint they look. I will buy brown eggs until I die (unless they are more than $1 more, then I don’t). We have been having this fight since we were dating. Seriously.
Jane Reply:
February 21st, 2010 at 9:04 am
But do they taste quaint?
It’s impossible to fight with Eldon, believe me, I’ve tried. So basically I get mad at him, then he gets this hurt puppy dog look. So then I feel like crap, and I apologize, and make up. He is definitely the rational one. Sometimes too rational. But we have fought about one thing…..my in-laws. That’s it. Although I must say, money is the biggest stress in my life. I hate it.
We are fighters. Well, he is.
We are getting MUCH better about not fighting over money. It has taken me 20 years to convince him that I am on his side. That I have sacrificed my dream of staying home to take care of our children, home, and farm to remain in the workforce to help pay for the children, the farm, the horses, the upgrades.
Yes, I have harbored resentments,but I’ve also worked through a lot of that.
I prefer to sleep on it. I also try to avoid any discussion of money in the late evening. I hate it when something festers for longer than 24 hours.
41 years later, it’s still a “favorite” topic that’s bound to bring about discord. The upside: fights are “gentler, kinder,” and shorter. RARELY, do we go to bed angry anymore. Can’t remember the last time, BUT it took a LONG time to get to this point. I imagine it’ll take a LONGER time to stop grumping about money all together. (Or is it altogether?)
We don’t fight about money, but we fight! Don’t you worry
I need to be a nicer wife.
We fight about the kids more than anything…he was raised in the country with very little parenting, and I am hands on watch everything they do. He wants me to let them run free more often. Our money fights are limited to me telling him he has to let me know what he spends when he spends it.
We are blow up fighters though, we both blow up, get it out of our systems, and then its over. Luckily neither one of us holds on to it after we have blown up good.
OHHH and sex…I want it waaay more often than he is in the mood.
Steff
My husband and I only fight about house responsibilities and communication. Like cleaning and carrying our share and such. And I’m always the instigator, which bugs. My husband prefers quiet and mess to confrontation. I just want it more sanitary.