It took two short weeks of sitting in Sunday School together for Dick and I to paint ourselves as faith-deficient troublemakers. (At BYU, this length of time was usually unnecessary; everyone knows that English majors like to ask critical questions.) The teacher today was very nice about it. He probably made a mistake in acknowledging that we had a point; others in the class were not about to make that mistake.
And I remembered, after several years in primary, why it is often simpler to save my questions for later, if one does not want to be treated like a . . . well, like a faith-deficient troublemaker. (When in fact one is merely curious and intrigued by inconsistencies.)
Anyway, by the time Relief Society rolled around, I was properly chastised. Chrysanthemum, having taken Dick’s spot, may have heard mutterings, but mostly I was good.
Our lesson was a discussion of New Year’s resolutions, based on the three goals in the Introduction to Relief Society: increase faith, strengthen families and homes, and serve the Lord and His children. So far, so worthy a list of endeavors.
With each goal there is a quote from last year’s Ensign or Church News. The quote under “strengthen families and homes” is:
Although parenting is hard work, it is made a little easier with the gospel, said Joselyn Akana . . . from Hawaii. ‘It helps me when I have the gospel to anchor me in the caring of my family,’ she said it is important in mothering to consider what a mother should look and sound like. The key to motherhood, she said, is having patience and relying on the gospel for guidance” (Lisa Christensen, “Convert Says Gospel Helps with Parenting,” Church News, June 13, 2009, 15). [sic]
I agree with a lot of this. Parenting is hard work, and the gospel makes it easier by infusing it with eternal significance and providing both interesting examples of parenting and the desire to be a good parent. And I believe whole-heartedly that the key to motherhood is patience. What dominated our discussion, though, was the middle part, that:
it is important in mothering to consider what a mother should look and sound like.
If you have read this website for any amount of time, you know that I am rather preoccupied with what a mother should sound like, or rather, my regret over too often not sounding like what I think a mother should sound like.
But, no. We discussed what a mother should look like. The teacher (also our great Relief Society president who I personally love not only because she drives Sally to school every morning) started by saying her mother always got up 30 minutes before the rest of the family, no matter how early that turned out to be, even on camping trips, to do her hair and have full makeup on before anyone saw her. And (this is why I love her) she said that that always seemed like a huge waste of time to her, and that she is personally much lazier, etc, but now (and this is where things took a downturn) she thinks she maybe should definitely be doing this.
Several sisters shared similar stories and proclaimed the virtues of treating motherhood like any other job (you’d get dressed up for a real job, right?) and having lots of mirrors in your house so you could check your hair and lipstick and your shirt to make sure you looked good all day, especially if your husband is retired and can see you anytime.
The 15-minute to one-hour power session of cleaning the house, grooming the children, and having dinner on the table right before dad comes home was extolled, and the testimonial given that if we only cared for our appearance we’d feel better about ourselves, and don’t our children (and husbands) deserve to see us looking our best?
I think about this a lot. I think about what my children, my daughters see when they look at me. I think about what they deserve, what they need, what will equip them best for life as they look at me. Especially when Susan makes some statement of discovery and description in the car about how being a doctor like grandpa or a writer like daddy are boy jobs and being a mom is a girl job.
Of course, being a mom is a girl job, and in some ways I do it it the traditional girliest manner possible. But I want Susan to know that girls can be doctors or writers too, and sometimes I worry about how I can ever really teach that to my daughters if all they see me doing is being a mom. On the other hand, I want them to see that I value them and our family enough to devote so much of my time and energy to being a mother. If this is the girl job I choose to show them, then what a mother should look like becomes fraught with meaning.
What should a mother look like?
Should a mother look like a clean home and dinner on the table and clean-faced toddlers and Mary Kay cosmetics?
In some ways (surprisingly), yes:
A clean house is worth pursuing because the cleaner and more organized things are, the easier it is for kids to play, create, and feed themselves, which leads, of course, to a messy house, but it’s a worthwhile cycle because the more the kids can do for themselves, the more I can do (and the more they are learning and growing), not because with a clean house I can be “unafraid to open the door if someone drops in.”
A table set for dinner when Dick arrives home and happy smiling children is worth working towards because it means the girls have learned to cheerfully help in the kitchen and that we have successfully worked together to create something we will all enjoy, not because it means I’ve worked behind the scenes to set a pretty stage.
Three daughters groomed for church or school (or dad’s homecoming) is a triumph when it means I have exchanged meaningful words with them while the hairbrush was in my hand, not when it means I’ve harped impatiently for them to JUST HOLD STILL.
And the Mary Kay cosmetics? Few things feel better than a hot shower after a hard workout or hours spent languishing with the morning sickness in bed.
Some things do, though. There are days, too infrequent, when Dick comes home and I look up from the book I’m reading or the story I’m writing, and I see the clock says 6:30 pm, and there are legos and Barbies on the carpet, paint and glitter glue on the table, clementine peels and yogurt containers all over the kitchen. Perhaps wet snow clothes are draped over chairs and I am smelly and muzzy from forgetting I even have a body. Dick is unperturbed (I chose well), and I wonder if I look then as a mother should — lost in thought.
I think I do.
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if you consider yourself a trouble maker in class, I don’t know what i should consider myself. I would never let the discussion go on for 15 minutes about what a mother should look like.
in spite of the fact that the house i grew up was always clean and my mom always looked nice, when I got married i had no homemaking skills. for the longest time i thought I should only clean once a week on Saturday and I was very surprised that my house was messy all the time.
then I got pregnant and was in an out of the hospital for fluids all the time, plus i got kidney stones when I was 8 months pregnant. i had to have a stint put in and every time i got up from bed my bladder emptied onto the floor. after I had my son by c section, i got pneumonia for 6 months.
needless to say i didn’t do much cleaning or showering or getting up 30 min before anyone. and these “unlucky” experiences got me to evaluate what is the most important thing for me to do every day as a mother.
#1 i decided that no matter what we would always have prayer and scripture study both morning and night. it did not matter if it was late or the house was a wreck or i was a wreck. we would always do those things even if everything else was undone.
#2 i decided to always feed my family something healthy. even if the kitchen was messy we had at least one sit down meal with vegetables.
#3 when my first child was over a year, i decided that i would read to my children every day, or teach them their colors or letters, or how to read.
#4 we would always have family home evening.
i have kept to those 4 resolutions. rain or shine. sick or healthy. rich or poor. and that’s what i decided a mother should do. as far as i know that’s the only thing i ever hear at general conference time. not much about cleaning and nothing about appearance.
so being the trouble maker that I am, I would have steered the conversation that way. if we are talking about new year’s resolutions at church, i think they better be about scripture study and family home evening…
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Jane Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 8:59 am
In their defense, I should point out that scripture study, etc, was mentioned on the first point.
But I was pretty shocked that the take-away message I got was about appearance. And I probably wouldn’t have stayed (relatively) quiet if a) I hadn’t gotten roundly trounced in SS, and b) if it hadn’t been years since I’ve been in R.S.
I cannot argue at all with your four resolutions. I have been surprised how easy some of those things have been once we have simply decided to do them. e.g. FHE is never all cutesy and over-planned, but we do it. And we have made resolutions (again) about family scripture study. If only school weren’t so early every morning!
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Jane Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Oh, and c) if I didn’t know I could say whatever I wanted on my blog.
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I’ll start getting up t 5:30 to put on make-up when Brad stops walking around the house in his underwear smelling like stank and scratching his balls.
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Cat Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 7:14 pm
Memarie Lane – I think I love you. This is so true!
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First of all, the takeaway from this lesson should not have been from a quote of a new convert. Perhaps that woman thinks about “looks” of a mother–but that is in no way church doctrine. Not that it matters, but I have to say ONLY IN UTAH would a discussion like this happen.
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Sharla Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 4:27 pm
I grew up in Southern California where I remember this conversation taking place more than once. Funny enough, I actually haven’t heard it yet living in Utah. Just sayin’……….
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As an English major, I’ll assume you’ve read Dante’s Inferno. Do you remember which circle of hell goes to those of us who threw out all our cosmetics a month ago? They were so old… some from high school. Ick.
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I think, if you are a gestating mother, all bets are off. And if you can’t (hypothetically) shave your legs because bending over makes you vomit, then your husband had better darned well rise up and call you blessed while he is making dinner. Hypothetically.
But I do think that we need to make it look easier and more enticing to our daughters. Because it sure looks cool to be every other career on TV.
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I was fortunate enough when Keif a babe to get to go to a couple of RS meetings. We usually went to sacrament, but not SS etc on Sunday mornings. C is LDS, I am not. That said, one of the things that I absolutely love about your church is how much focus is put on family.
Now to the point I was going to get to….lol
I think if we make it look effortless, we are doing a disservice to our daughters and our sons. I have 3 boys, and I want them to realize how hard I work to take care of them, because when they get married I don’t ever want them to take their wife for granted. I want them to know that staying at home is tough, but that its a choice we make because they are our life.
I had friends whose moms were like you describe, and on the one hand I remember wishing my mom were more like her, but it sure seemed like everyone else wished their mom was more like mine. Our house was the “hang out” house so to speak, kids coming and going all the time. Mom seemed to effortlessly make pink lemonade and sandwiches for any given number of kids and animals on a daily basis. I ran into some guys in college that I had gone to school with in grade school maybe thru 7th grade. One of them made the comment that it was always so cool to come play basketball at our house and they always knew if they were hungry Mrs Green would feed them. LOL
I guess thats the mom I want to be too, the one who doesnt care so much that part of the house is a wreck as long as there are a ton of kids who are happy and healthy and well fed.
Steff
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Sharla Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 4:29 pm
My Mom was more like yours….and what I try to be.
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Whoah! If being a mother is all about appearance then I failed at the first hurdle!
Yeah there are those women (and I say that with eyes rolling) who make parenting and motherhood look easy – you know the ones in the clean, ironed – and often white – clothes with children who smell of fabric conditioner and a house the same (clean, ironed and smelling of fabric conditioner).But I’m not one of those mothers. My house looks like rumpled clothes and smells pretty bad most of the time too. But the kids seem happy amidst the chaos and I figure if I really needed to control my surroundings, me and the kids sooo much to make it look like I was doing a good job, then there wouldn’t be any time left in the day to actually do the important stuff. Like have fun with my kids. (And occasionally shout at them too).
This is a lipstick free house. And my twice a year haircut means that I can afford to spend the cash on the kids instead. Hey, the hair will only grow again wont it?
Big Mamma Frog
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Wow. I would be SO perturbed if that discussion went on in our R.S. I do have to admit that putting on my shoes helps me get a lot more done (thank you FlyLady). And having a smile on my face helps the children know it’s okay to be happy and then there’s less screaming and wailing and gnashing of teeth.
But make-up and hair? Pshaw. If it’s Sunday, I usually take the time to do both. Hair first. Make up if there’s time. During the week if I have some seriously protruding pimple then I am more likely to put on eye make-up to detract from it and possibly some concealer and definitely have my hair done. But it’s not for the children or the hubby. It’s so when I walk my Kindergartener to and from class I don’t hear whispers about that crazy Mormon woman with the behemoth van and 27 children who looks hideous.
And Steff- I want to be that mom too.
Cousin Sylwia- I like those goals. I think I’ll officially adopt them.
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Heck ya you do!! And a beautiful Mom at that. I picked well too, thank goodness! And wouldn’t it be even better if the whole family, including hubby, helped make dinner so you could all enjoy that time together? Hmm??? Just sayin’….
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My guest bathroom is a nightmare, but dammit, I’m wearing mascara.
And that just goes to show you where my priorities are: I am vain.
I truly love this post.
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I have to admit I am an early-riser-get-readier. I always wear make-up and nice clothes. I’m vain, though, so that’s why. As far as my house being clean and organized and stuff, forget it. I don’t care about appearances that much.
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I shaved my legs because I felt bad about being so hypothetical.
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I try to make some effort on my appearance because I notice my girls try more when I do. But I do not get up early to do it. No way.
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I gave up on early morning beauty making when I took the 4AM janitorial job at BYU. I have gone through phases where I don’t do so much cosmetically and times I do. I feel better about myself when I try a little harder. Otherwise I appear extremely frumpy. I probably war paint up about 50% of my days, but I hold my head high on the days I appear at the school wearing my cleaning clothes, sans make up, hair pulled into the octopus claw to drop off the forgotten lunch because that is part of being a mother, too. For planned meetings, I try to wear business casual and represent myself well as a professional mother.
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One of the biggest pet peeves I have with our society (Utah, or Virginia) and Mormon subculture is our preoccupation with the “one look” or the “one way” to do things. Now I think that it is admirable to have a clean house, a nice meal, do the laundry, etc.
THE QUESTION IS WHY?
Is it because we are worried that our neighbors/friends will see it and judge us?
Is it because we feel it is the right thing to do?
Is it best for our children?
Is it best for us? best for our spouse/Significant Other?
Often I feel it a combination of these and teasing out our own motives is very difficult, but doing it simply for society or subculture norms is, to put it bluntly…full of crap.
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I don’t have time to read all the comments cuz I’m at work (it’s my break : ) BUT I want to thank you for keeping me up with the Gospel Doctrine and Relief Society World I’ve left – obviously in good hands, as long as YOU’RE there! Keep me tuned in!
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You probably didn’t hear me mumbling right along with you. And if you had seen my “smile” you would have noticed it was fake. The other option was an open mouth (in disbelief). I was thinking that I sure picked a good Sunday to organize with C to trade of child care for a sick kid and a baby to come to Relief Society after being released from primary. That was wordy, but the point is, I should have gone to Sacrament Meeting instead…heard it was really good.
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I’ve had one more thing to say about your lesson that has been bugging me, so I’m going to say it.
When we teach at church we are not a liberty to teach whatever we want. Even on the Sundays that we get to pick “our own” topic. Even though we get to choose, we get to choose from either from the scriptures or from words of prophets or general authorities.
what your teacher did was absolutely inappropriate. we, even as leaders of Relief Society or Elders Quorum do not set the curriculum, the prophets do.
it would have been much more appropriate to check the January Ensign and see what articles reference the new year. Elder Holland’s message “The Best Is Yet to Be” would have been and excellent choice…
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Jane Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
I disagree. As R.S. President, our teacher had the stewardship/responsibility to choose a topic for this lesson, and something from lds.org with Julie Beck’s name on it seems quite appropriate to me, even if I disagreed with the discussion that ensued. Other things might have been appropriate also, but this wasn’t wrong.
(And I should emphasize that the discussion on the other two points was quite agreeable — read scriptures, say prayers, serve more — pointing out that the early Saints not only tithed their increase, but also their time, working 1 out of ten days on the temple, for e.g.).
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cousin sylwia Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 6:47 pm
yes, you can choose a topic but it is your responsibility to read what the prophets said about the topic and teach that. you can share personal experiences that reinforce their teachings, not your own. and you never come up with your own new doctrine, ie getting up 30 minutes before the rest of the family to put on make up.
if you have ever served in a presidency and followed the handbook you wouldn’t disagree. even a bishop who can get revelation for his ward, still has to make sure that what he is teaching is aligned with what the prophets say. if it’s not, it is not appropriate for him to teach it. ask your dad. i believe he was a bishop recently.
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I have been thinking about this for a few days. First, let me say that I agree with most of what you are saying. I get frustrated with a focus on appearance and especially as a mother of very young children. I feel like there is so much of a demand on my time already that I don’t want to feel guilty about not looking nicer. I would rather spend a few extra minutes reading with my boys than blow drying my hair. However….
I do have a few things to add and I’m sorry if this is a long comment. Someone mentioned that we should only teach what is in the scriptures and from the prophets. I started thinking that I am sure I’ve heard talks from the leaders of the church on dress and appearance. I also have a favorite scripture on appearance in 2 Nephi (it is more about how following Christ makes us beautiful).
Last night the missionaries were over for dinner and that got me thinking about appearance too. Missionaries are required to look a certain way because they represent the church. They represent Jesus Christ. Imagine if someone showed up to preach the gospel in ripped clothes with stains all over? Would you take them seriously?
God created us in His image. When I think of God I think of someone that is glorious in everyway, from what He says to how He looks. I can’t imagine him in dingy clothing or greasy hair. If we believe we should be like Him, I think that means we should strive to be like Him in all ways.
As a mother, I want my children to recognize the Spirit in our home and I want them to look at me and see a deep testimony of the Gospel. I’m not sure they can see that if I look haggard and dirty (which I’m sure I do most of the time). I represent the Church and I represent the Savior and I want my first impression to be one that shows the church in a good light.
Saying all this, anyone that knows me knows that I don’t always have the nicest clothes or have make-up on or have my hair done. I also think too many people become proud when it comes to appearance and spend too much time and money on how they look. I don’t believe God wants that either. But, I don’t think it is wrong to strive to look good. When I am showered, dressed, have teeth brushed, etc., I feel better about myself and about my role as a mother.
I would be bothered to be in that lesson and hear a bunch of testimonials about how we ought to look perfect and have nice nails, etc. But there isn’t anything wrong with trying to look nice.
And, here are three articles that are really great about what we should teach about appreance and also on what leaders of the church say about appearance.
1. Outward Expressions of the Inner Self
Samuelson, Cecil O.
2. Be Loyal to the Royal Within You, Harold B. Lee
3. Teach the truth about modesty
A style of our own, Judith Rasband (in the Church News)
and finally, President Hinckley talked about what I think a mother should look like in this talk: Rise to the Stature of the Divine within You
Look them up. They are great talks.
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Jane Reply:
January 26th, 2010 at 4:02 pm
Adrianne — I wanted to thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on this. I wish I could say I’ve read the articles you linked to, but I haven’t yet. I’m slacking, big time, but I definitely agree it’s worth trying to look nice, just as it’s worth having (trying to have) a clean home, etc.
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Found you through Mormon Mommy Blogs. What strikes me about this RS discussion is that it doesn’t sound like a word was said about modesty, which is what *I* personally thought of when I read the quote you shared. When I consider “what a mother should look like” (which, I admit, isn’t very often), I don’t think of makeup and heels. I think of a modestly dressed, joyful woman.
Get up before my husband and kids to primp? No way. I am the mom who tries to convince the baby she really does need to nurse longer every morning just so I can get a few extra minutes of sleep…
Maybe I should just start doing one thing to look like “what a mother should look like” every time I wake up during the night to take care of the baby… Curl my hair at 11. Put on makeup at 1. Iron my clothes at 3. Put on my apron and perma-grin at 5.
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La Yen Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 2:13 pm
GENIUS. I am TOTALLY implementing this. But one of the feedings will include “eat pudding.”
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Nikki Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 1:54 am
Totally made me snort!
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Jane Reply:
January 26th, 2010 at 4:04 pm
I think the joyful part is the most important (well, modesty, too, but I don’t really have to think about that anymore, I mean, it is so ingrained, thanks to my mom
). But I’d rather my kids saw me with a smile, enjoying them, rather than my too-often mad glare.
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Well, I can’t come at this from the Mormon perspective as I’m Catholic, but I do love this post.
Especially the end because if I hope to teach my children anything (besides clean underwear, clean faces, and clean language), I hope to teach them to embrace learning.
And at the end of the day, I’m usually throwing dinner on the plates with one hand while I flip the pages of the book on the counter with the other.
Great post!
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Jane Reply:
January 26th, 2010 at 4:05 pm
This morning Callie told me “that’s awesome.” “What?” I asked. “You’re reading your book with one hand and making the eggs with your other.” Smart kid, huh?
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As I sit here in my tattered t-shirt and old sweats… I think.
I think my kids probably deserve to know that breasts don’t typically rest at one’s belly button. (maybe I should wear a bra)
I think about the pile of dirty laundry parked next to my bed.
I think about my uncombed hair.
But I also think about the meals I make nightly, the games we play daily, the conversations that always end in laughter, and then I don’t really care about the other things anymore. Well, I would like my breasts to no longer sit at my belly button… but other than that I don’t care.
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I think that the idea of what a mom should look like is ridiculous in the way that the sentence comes across. My first thought was her image, her make-up, her hair, all of the physical aspects that are really worldly in nature. But, I do think that there’s something to be said for how a mom should look. Personally, I cringe when I see a mom covered from head to foot in tatoos or piercings and–though I know I shouldn’t judge her because I don’t know her circumstances–I wonder what kind of a life that child is going to have. I also believe that even though we don’t need to have supermodel bodies–wouldn’t that show a self-centeredness most of the time except for those few, blessed women born with what we deem as superior genetics–I still exercise my body five days a week for an hour a time because I want to look a certain way. I believe that I’m sending the message to my kids that it’s important to exercise your body, to be healthy. I don’t talk about my weight or dieting in front of the kids, but they see that I care about my appearance. I think that you could arrange an entire lesson based around this one comment and what images it provokes and the different approaches we’re all coming from. I’d say more, but this is probably too long already!
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Jane Reply:
January 26th, 2010 at 4:06 pm
I stopped using the word “fat” when I heard my oldest at 4 say she was fat. But healthy and kempt (is that a word?)? Definitely worth striving for.
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I asked my husband what he would think if I got up 30 minutes before him and got my hair and make-up done. He said that he’d rather MESS up my hair for that 30 minutes!! (And I have permission to quote him on that)
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Jane Reply:
January 26th, 2010 at 4:07 pm
My husband appreciated this one. Thanks.
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