In the past couple of weeks, Spot and Susan have each asked me if I had a baby in my tummy, and I reminded them that I do not anymore. When Spot asked me, we were sitting on the couch, and I saw again the pregnancy test I’d taken the night before, the test that had neither a plus, nor two lines nor a “pregnant” in the test window.
I couldn’t honestly remember whether I’d had a period in November, but I do remember one occasion when Dick convinced me to leave things to chance. On Saturday I impatiently bought another box of tests, figuring that the leftover sticks in my medicine cabinet were maybe expired. Turns out it’s helpful to read the instructions, even after many years and five (now six) pregnancies. In case you ever need to know, on the Equate brand pregnancy test, just one line in the test window is a positive.
I am terrified. Weepy, excited, wary, passing regretful for the three-kids-getting-older routine we have. I don’t know if I can handle another miscarriage.
And I have proven (to myself) that morning all-day sickness is mostly psychological. This is the latest that I have ever discovered a pregnancy (not very late: 9 weeks at most, and probably less), and as soon as I did, mild, all-encompassing nausea descended. Smells are smellier, and I am so tired. I feel like lying in bed, abdomen motionless, for the next seven to nine months.
I want to thank you in advance for understanding if I don’t respond to comments or emails as regularly as I would like in the coming months. I have a feeling that my mixed emotions/ambitions for blogging will get even mixed-er this year, but my appreciation for your friendship and your encouraging words are one thing I am not at all mixed about: they mean a great deal to me.
*Movie trivia. Big smacking kiss and restoring of my faith in humanity if you know that movie. (And my family doesn’t count, since we watched it on Christmas Eve.)
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Congrats my friend! Sounds like a trip to Chick-fil-a to celebrate is in order.
It’s interesting to note the fear and dread right along with the happiness and excitement. One would not think that those feeling could coexist together, but certainly they do in the world of pregnancy and mothering.
Congrats to you, here’s to an uneventful and healthy pregnancy.
Congratulations! I hope you get past the yucky first trimester sickness quickly.
Hi Shannon,
You KNOW how I feel. I’m praying for you everyday, Kiddo. Whether it’s lying there like a lizard wondering what to do next or on your knees scrubbing the driveway, or both or neither, follow your heart. There’s nobody wiser than you. Do you feel all that Florida love?
I understand the mixed feelings with your previous miscarriages, especially the most recent ones. I am praying for you, really. That you will be able to carry full-term with no complications.
But while morning/all-day sickness may be psychological for some (do *not* let husbands read this post, it will confirm what they think is true anyway), it’s not true for me. In fact, it was because I was so sick for a bit that I thought, “Could it be? Could I really, finally be pregnant?,” and took the positive pregnancy test that had me happily in tears and full of grateful prayers, even though I honestly thought there was no chance I was pregnant at the time.
And now, I’m due in two weeks with that positive pregnancy test baby.
Oh, and whenever I’m in Utah I buy $1 pregnancy tests. Seriously. At the dollar store. And they work. WAY cheaper to take tests over the months than even the equate brand. And once you get a positive, you can go check w/ your dr. and get a confirming blood test, as well.
Jane Reply:
December 28th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
I didn’t mean to imply that even if they are psychological they’re not real. After all, the mind is powerful. For me, it was the uncontrollable (though not sad) crying on Saturday that made me buy more tests.
Good luck on your impending delivery! How exciting!
Congratulations! I have to agree with Kalli–it is pretty crazy that extremely opposite emotions can exist at the same time. I will be thinking of you and wishing the morning (ha ha–more like 24/7) sickness doesn’t last long. What a wonderful Christmas present!
Congrats. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers. I love that you misread the test. I will never forget calling my husband in to double check the two lines I saw on the test and then collapsing into tears when he reaffirmed they were real. Took me months to be OK with that result.
Yeehaw! Thrilled. Lots of prayers sent your way.
Oh Jane – SO happy for you.
Can I say this? You rank as one of the bravest women I know – to have faced the loss that is miscarriage and to leap once again.
Best to you and the freckled family.
Oh – “What About Bob?”
Jane Reply:
January 3rd, 2010 at 11:31 pm
Nope. It’s from The Shop Around the Corner, with Jimmy Stewart. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0033045/
The (quite funny and witty) movie that You’ve Got Mail is based on.
I’m so happy for you.
congratulations and i hope all goes well. actually feeling sick is a good sign. it probably means the baby is here to stay. the placenta already producing a healthy amount of hormones to make you feel nauseated.
don’t know what you are talking about that nausea is all in your head. if it was just psychological why would i wake up in the middle of the night three or four times to throw up? surely while sleeping my mind would be shut off enough to not feel nauseated.
well, i guess you can only speak from your own experience, which seems to be rather limited when it comes to nausea…since you can dismiss it as psychological.
after 5 pregnancies, numerous trips to the hospital for iv fluids, weight loss, and constant barfing in the toilet, it’s hard for me dismiss nausea as psychological. it was a very physical experience for me.
Jane Reply:
January 3rd, 2010 at 11:33 pm
Yeah — I have friends who have the hyperemesis gravidarium thing, and I wasn’t trying to discount the reality or scariness of that. I was just saying that it was funny that *I* immediately felt nauseated just hours after realizing I was pregnant. Of course, I was anywhere from 6 to ten weeks pregnant at the time, so it certainly would make sense to be experiencing morning sickness.
Actually, I feel much worse this time (or have forgotten how bad I usually feel), so I like to think that means I’m having a boy, but probably I just have a faulty memory.
steff Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 12:00 am
i was never really sick with any of mine and I have 3 boys.
Steff
Prayers for you and your family that this new one will be carried to term and be a healthy, beautiful, fantastic addition to your wonderful kids. Prayers for peace and love.
Jane!! Congrats.. Equate tests have to be different lol. I remember taking those when I was expecting Xander and I was so confused, directions I guess are a must lol.
I will have you in my thoughts, and send many positive waves towards you. I understand the heartache you went through, I have 3 miscarriages before the 4 horsemen were born.
Congratulations, Jane. I hope everything goes well and that you feel better soon.
Congrats! Hang in there.
Let me know if I can help or babysit or anything else! Congrats!
Oh Jane! Congrats! Will be praying for you every day. When I was first pregnant with the youngest in 08, the oldest kept telling people there was a baby in my tummy and Chris and I kept trying to shut him up because we knew he was wrong. Turned out he was right, when I wised up and took a test I was nearly 12 weeks. I have never had sickness w/ any of my pregs, but have friends who couldnt even get out of bed for the first trimester without being ill.
Bless you and your (growing)family.
Steff
WoW! Your post title surprised me! I did not expect to read a pregnancy announcement! CONGRATULATIONS! And for what it’s worth, my advice is to follow Grampa’s lizard advice over the next 6-8 months! After experiencing placenta previa that resulted in losing a baby when 5 months along, I became the biggest slug in California when I became pregnant a few months later. Even though my doctor at the time told me that bedrest wouldn’t make any difference, I chose to ignore him. Not only did I keep the little guy, I didn’t go through PP for the first time in 3 pregnancies! Take care of yourself, Friend!
Jane Reply:
January 3rd, 2010 at 11:35 pm
My dad (who is a fp doctor) always says — when we say “it hurts when I do this” he responds “then don’t do that.” If you’re body tells you to lie still, why not?
Best wishes to you. Pregnancies after miscarriages are nerve-wracking and emotionally insane. I’ll keep you in my prayers!
Congratulations — I often think about that… if somehow I became pregnant now, I would be way more confused than happy, I think. At least for the time being.
Congratulations!
I hope for you and Mr Bennet that this is a nice, sticky baby! Take care of yourself, and while I’ll miss it if you don’t blog so much, I’ll understand. 
Girrrrl, you are preaching to the choir over here. My blogging has taken a back seat as I have struggled for the past 8 months to separate authentic emotions from hormone induced craziness. Now, as I pull into the home stretch of this pregnancy I can feel my need and desire for my blogging friends flooding me like never before. Congratulations sweet Jane and I will keep my fingers crossed and my prayers coming that this pregnancy continues to be healthy and uneventful.
Jane Reply:
January 3rd, 2010 at 11:38 pm
On the Saturday I took the last test, I was crying in the car, thinking of a post I should write about how much I love and appreciate my husband, and then I took the test and figured out I was pregnant. Probably I should have just written the post first, bec. it wouldn’t have hurt to pretend I was just all lovey-dovey.
Congratulations Shannon – I hope you have a very smooth, uneventful, even BORING pregnancy. That’s the best kind, I think. Praying it goes well for you.
I barely blogged in 2009 and I blame it entirely on my pregnancy. Never fear though – people will stick around.
Oh honey! Congratulations and Good luck for a smooth and easy pregnancy! What a great surprise!!!
I am so excited for you Shannon. I definitely know that fear. I miscarried in May 2008. And in January 2009 when I found out I was pregnant again, I was so nervous of it ending in miscarriage again. Every cramp caused fear. Lack of nausea (which wasn’t often) caused fear. My dearest friend had an ectopic pregnancy rupture and I was SURE that was happening to me thus explaining my pains. Of course, when that all changed the day I went to the ER and found out the baby was fine and in my uterus, and so was the second one, AND the third, my fears vanished. Until I miscarried the third.
Heavenly Father knows our fears and He knows our desires. I know He will be by your side this whole pregnancy.
And if you should happen to slacken in the blogging department, I won’t delete you from my favorites.
P.S. I googled that quote and the ENTIRE first page of results links back to this blog. You are very cool AND POPULAR.
Jane Reply:
January 3rd, 2010 at 11:45 pm
Nah, just successfully obscure, I guess. The quote’s from The Shop Around the Corner, which I like much better than You’ve Got Mail, which was based on the original Jimmy Stewart. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0033045/
(And thanks for the good wishes. Your two babies that stayed sure are squishable!, though the memory of the ones we’ve lost stays too.)
[...] heartbeat. I wondered aloud if I was having one of those psychological pregnancies, or if I’d read the home test wrong, after all (I felt heartbroken, and also foolish). We did a urine test, which was positive, and figured my [...]