We spent a few hours tonight getting ready for our first Sunday in the new church building. It’s a fine building. Predictable, presentable facade, wide hallways, new carpet smell, pristine chalkboards. It’s only a street away from our house, surrounded by a lake of asphalt just waiting to be rollerskated on by happy children.
We organized our supplies in first one cabinet and then the right one. I trailed along as classrooms were assigned and hymn books were stacked. And then I saw a sign for “Restroom. Mother’s Room.” You walk through the restroom to get to the Mother’s Room. So all the stink is in one place, joked my friend. The place of eating has the place of pooping as an antechamber.
I’m not even nursing right now, don’t even know if I’ll have another baby. But as God is my witness, if He does send me another child to nourish and nurture, I will not be sitting in a small room off the bathroom to breastfeed.
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Amen and Hallelujah.
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Oooooh, TIMELY.
Last Sunday the bishop and I had a talk about the sorry state of our mother’s room. We (thankfully) have a separate room, but it is tiny and populated with one extremely shabby rocker. Since our ward tends to have something like ten to fifteen women nursing at any given time, this is woefully inadequate.
I asked him if the rest of us were supposed to sit on the floor, or if the stake was now advocating public nursing (notthatthere’sanythingwrongwiththat). He rather feebly pointed out that the room also contained folding chairs, and I then asked him if he’d ever tried to nurse someone in a folding chair, and invited him to try.
(It was kind of a short conversation.)
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Jane Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 6:31 pm
We have 5-10 nursing mothers at any given time, and two rockers (which seems to be standard) certainly does seem inadequate. In our branch in Florida, there were old wheelchairs in the “mother’s room.” I never nursed in there.
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So the Mother’s room is just for feeding Mums? (oh, & we tend to say feed when y’all up there say nurse – here a nurse is a cuddle – visitors to a new baby in hospital will ask for a nurse, and they don’t mean to supplement feed!!)
What about bottle fed bubs? What if a Dad were to need to change a nappy? (i’m presuming the room also serves a secondary, not expose the congregation to pooky nappy smells purpose)
hmm. On one hand, at least there is a Mum’s room. At my church, if a Mum doesn’t wish to feed while sitting in a pew or in the back corner (where there’s a playpen and wee baby toys), then her only option is to sit on one of the benches outside or go up to the hall; but there’s kid’s activities going on up there too …
I just used to feed in the pew, to the consternation of my god-daughter once ‘Why is she doing that now??’. I’ve had my nosy, wandering toddler interrupt Mums on the bench outside … And I’ve had a 90+ yo woman wait for me to finish feeding in a lounge chair at the back of the hall during morning tea.
Maybe the anglicans in my parish aren’t having as many babies as the families in your ward??
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Jane Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 6:35 pm
As usual, I love the non-American term “feed.” Babies are frequently fed bottles elsewhere in the meetinghouse; in fact, I have had friends who supplemented with formula specifically so that they wouldn’t have to breastfeed at church.
We are quite prolific as a general rule, but also my ward is very, very young.
On the dad changing a diaper — the funniest/weirdest example of political-correctness run amok of this I ever seen was at the Guggenheim in NYC. When we lived there, I had taken a visiting friend to see the museum, and when Sally needed a diaper change, I couldn’t find a station for it in any of the women’s restrooms. I finally asked a guard, who told me it was in the men’s room.
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Love Sue’s comment about asking the Bishop if he’d every tried to nurse in a folding chair–priceless! We have the same problem: tiny room with two very old rockers and a nice laminate counter for changing diapers. My mom’s church building has the nursing room right off the bathroom as well. Not a pleasant place to nurse. I’ve nursed at the end of a pew during Sacrament meeting and could’ve cared less what others thought! Of course I was modestly covered but I don’t think anyone had an issue…
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Sue’s story equals awesomeness.
There are always several women nursing in Relief Society – with those hooter hider things. I guess the term “we’re all girls here” applies.
Gotta admit, as a nonmom, I was shocked at first when my friend started nursing next to me, but then I was like, yeah, that’s cool.
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Jane Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 6:37 pm
I agree it is surprising when one firsts sees breastfeeding — it’s just not something we have enough images/examples of in society, and instead we have hypersexualized notions of breasts.
(I hate hooter hiders).
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Our church doesn’t have a mother’s room, but most of the mothers there are also in their 70s, so it’s probably awhile before I need to advocate for that, huh? In the meantime, I nursed in the pews; I think my step-mother mentioned it once, and I smiled at her and said I was moderately sure that first off, people were supposed to be listening to Rev. O’Brien, not staring at me, and second, I was also fairly sure that they would rather listen to the occasional happy gurgly laugh than the screaming wail of a hungry baby. Then my father, who is also an usher, gave her A Look and she kept further criticism to herself.
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Jane Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Nice father!
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I haven’t even set foot in the Mother’s Room since I’ve been in this town the past year and a half. I just nurse in the pews. Where I last lived, the mother’s lounge was at the far end of the church, freezing cold, and always smelled strongly of poop and pee. Not a pleasant place to be (although I would sometimes nurse in there, on the old squishy couch, when I needed a nap along with my daughter!).
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Jane Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 6:39 pm
At least this room is clean, with a window, and a changing station, etc, so it could be a lot worse. But once it starts to smell like a diaper genie …
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Our building’s mothers’ lounge is woefully inadequate. We have about 3 baby blessings every mom, but only 3 chairs and a falling-apart couch in the mother’s lounge. The changing table is in there, which is kind of like “Eww…” to me. If I didn’t nurse in meetings, I’d be nursing on someone’s lap. Our stake center is worse; there is no mother’s lounge. For a ward and stake just 3 blocks from BYU (and therefore babies galore!) it’s pathetic. Of course, it’s pretty well-known how I feel about nursing in church or otherwise.
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I have breastfed everywhere in church. I never used a blanket, but I am pretty discrete. Most times no one even noticed what I was doing. I would wear either nursing dresses, or skirts and tops.
I have BF while bearing my testimony in Relief Society.
I have BF in the pews during Sacrament Meeting.
I have BF in the comfy chairs in the foyer.
I have BF during Sunday School Marriage and Family Class. I did ask the teacher if it bothered her as it was a small class and my toddler wasn’t totally discrete. She said, “Go for it!”
I have BF during choir practice.
I also have BF in the Mother’s Lounge. Frankly with my 2nd and 3rd, it was a nice place to escape to during Sacrament Meeting, making my DH be in charge of the older boys. Also my mothers lounge is nice, with comfy chairs and other mothers to share moments with. So I liked the social bonding moments in there.
But, if the baby was hungry and I didn’t want to leave, I just nursed wherever I was.
I never had a negative comment said to me.
I wish I was going to have another baby and I was in the Young Women’s program, because I would nurse all the time, on purpose in front of them, just to be a good example to them.
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Jane Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 6:42 pm
I have shared all of your experiences (except not BF during choir practice, since I can’t sing, and nursed in primary class instead of YW).
I nursed my three girls in NYC and Florida everywhere (and I mean EVERYWHERE), no blanket, discreet as possible, etc.
But for some reason the Utah thing weirds me out. The ghetto-izing weirds me out, the negative comments. As Mrs. Mordecai says below, I haven’t seen a single woman in Utah nurse at church. But, I will be the first one (if I have another baby, that is).
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Oi. That was supposed to say “every month” not “every mom” That’s weird.
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I really appreciate any sort of mother’s room, whether it’s off the bathroom or not. I’m not big on nursing in public, so I prefer to have somewhere. Clean and non-stinky is good, but I’ll take what I can get.
That said, we’ve got a mother’s room in our church building with three chairs, a changing table, and a sink. It’s not always enough for the number of nursing mothers, but we know how to take turns.
I’ve never seen anyone nursing outside of a mother’s room in an LDS church building, by the way. Not that it’s not okay—it wouldn’t bother me—just that I’ve never seen it. I don’t want to be the first one.
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Jane Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 6:43 pm
I think the option is great; if women honestly prefer that, great. I do not usually prefer that, though, and if I do have another baby, you can come see me be the first one!
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I’m like Mrs. Mordecai, I liked to nurse in a mother’s room. I could relax and rock and listen to the speakers, plus I think nursing in a pew would be just as uncomfortable as nursing in a folding chair. I’m not sure the problem with walking through the restroom to get to the mother’s room? It would bother me if it was a curtained off area of the bathroom (like it was in one meeting house I was in). As long as it was quiet and clean and had enough chairs, I would be all good. Plus it’s nice to have the bathroom nearby as I usually changed the diaper after nursing (or between sides when the baby was little to keep them awake long enough to relieve both sides) and it would involve less walking around. I’m lazy that way.
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Jane Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Ah, I do remember the days of the between-sides diaper change.
I have never seen a mother’s room that was clean (smelling) with enough chairs. As I mentioned above, our meetinghouse in FL had old wheelchairs in the “mother’s room.”
The part about it being off the bathroom bothers me because — well, would they put the kitchen (i.e. “serving area”) off the bathroom? Of course not. Yet both places are where food is served. I also don’t like the ghettoizing aspect, the shunted off to an annex of the bathroom aspect. It bothers me the — the symbolic marginalization of what a mother does (and does a lot of!) by the marginalization of the facilities where she is welcome/encouraged(?) to do it. We go to church to be spiritually fed, we’re told motherhood is the greatest thing ever. Breastfeeding is so central to that, in my mind, that I find it wrong to have it sequestered off the bathroom.
We hear so much of the dangers of pornography, and (again in my mind), a campaign of open, supported, celebrated breastfeeding would go a long way toward neutralizing the hypersexualization of breasts and the female body in general.
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Charlotte Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:54 pm
If I wiped my tushie with my boobs and also used them to serve my baby food (but despite ultimate sagging after 6 kids it would still be impossible for me to do so) and/or had them out (and opening doors and such) while I walked through the bathroom soaking in germs, I would understand an equal gross factor with having mothers room off a bathroom as a kitchen .
I guess I see it more as a practicality factor than a symbolic marginalization. If I am letting the girls air dry or my baby likes to unlatch and look around while feeding, I would rather only women chance an extended full on view. Going through a women’s bathroom to get to the mother’s room helps ensure that to be the case. Don’t get me wrong, I nursed in public all the time without any qualms. I didn’t use blankets (but mostly because I found not using them to be more discreet than using them- nothing like a auspiciously draped blanket to televise that you’re nursing).
I suppose I don’t feel as strongly the central importance of breastfeeding to motherhood and do I don’t read any symbolism into where it is done.
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Jane Reply:
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I really can’t get over that opening image. Thanks
.
hear! hear! typing this one-handed while i nurse my baby. I never used the mother’s room at church with my first three boys. I thought it was stupid to go away. now i am using the mother’s room, primarily to have some peace and quiet during sacrament meeting. yes, i’m hiding from my four very rambunctious children. and if i have to do that in a slightly smelly room but with comfortable chairs, I’ll take it.
fwiw, ward buildings in sweden didn’t have nursing rooms. of course people are completely different about nudity there. I was never bothered or embarrassed to nurse in public without blankets.
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Good for you! I’m not a church-goer, but myDad was remarried in a lovely little church when my son was only 3 months old (I breastfed him for 14 months). He woke up during the first bout of singing and I just moved to the back of the church where it was quieter, sat downon a pew, and fed him till he went back to sleep. Not one person made a comment of any kind – possibly because my face was set in a “don’t you even dare to THINK of making a deal out of this to ME!” kind of expression I adopted when feeding in public.
It’s a sad fact that the rooms provided for breastfeeding babies are often the same tiny roms used for changing their nappies, so after only one experience of cramming myself and my son into one of these places, I decided I’d just feed him wherever I was from then on and was much happier for making that decision. I was always discrete (which isn’t always easy when you’ve been generously blessed in the bust region!) bt there was no way I was putting a blanket over Xan’s head (like me, he overheats very easily). We were very fortunate in that we never got any nasty comments, but then again, maybe that was because of me projecting my “don’t you dare!” vibes – LOL!
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