My mother says that every time you have a miscarriage you rethink things. She should know; she had three. I’ve only had two, and my second is just about over. In eleven years, five pregnancies and three children, I always thought that I had my fertility pretty well in hand. I got pregnant within a few months of wanting to be pregnant each time, and I never got pregnant accidentally, despite rather (I think now) scattershot birth control.
I thought I was in control. That my kids were coming, more or less, as I wanted them too.
Now I wonder. Mr. Bennet has a colleague with twelve children. I’ve never wanted or thought I could handle (emotionally, physically, mentally) that many kids, but I thought it was my choosing that kept our numbers down. I can choose whether to have sex or not, after all: I can choose to try to conceive, and I can choose to try not to.
But I think now I really wasn’t in charge all along. I think even if I had been trying to fill a preconceived quota, my body (my life) wasn’t actually made that way.
My sister can’t have any more than three kids right now because she no longer has a husband. My friend can’t ever have any more than three because she needed an emergency hysterectomy. My sister-in-law is hoping (still, faithfully) for a first.
Sometimes I feel panicky because my life isn’t shaping up as I once thought it would. That April birthday I thought would work so well, is not going to happen. And now I think I don’t know if there is another birthday to add to our family ever. It’s not that I’m ambivalent about whether we will try or not again, but that I feel more open to Someone else making the decision, having the final say.
Because I think that Someone else had the final say all along, I just didn’t realize it.
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So sorry to hear that. What a heartbreak. I’ve had two miscarriages and a stillbirth myself. It sucks! But ultimately I think we all have to realize that it’s not up to us. I think the killer is that wanting to have a baby is a good thing. Why would we be denied that?
Hope you are being kind to yourself!
I needed to be reminded of this right now, too. You are exactly right. Thank you for sharing.
Sorry to hear about the loss. I agree about it being out of our hands – I’m like you and thought I’d planned pretty well all our kids. Even after my miscarriage we were expecting again within months, which made things feel very much still in my control. I’d talk about being grateful for being able to plan those things, like I was taking a road test without realizing the guy in the seat next to you’s really doing all the work. Then the opposite happened and we had an extra – unplanned! He’s adorable, but nonetheless something I didn’t plan. I can’t take credit for this one, although it’s probably been the best.
Supposedly 1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. That doesn’t make it hurt any less. We’ve had one 8 week miscarriage and one 18 week loss. The most comforting thing is when I realized they weren’t “Lost” -they’re in heaven and I’m going to meet them some day. It makes me all weepy just thinking about it now. You might find some hope and comfort in the following post: http://bluecottonmemory.wordpress.com/2009/06/29/what-you-speak-is-what-you-get/
The entire world is pregnant right now and I’m in camp with your sister-in-law, still waiting. Of all of the blogs I’ve read lately about pregnancy (and I have read A TON) this has by far, by way far, been my favorite. I’m so sorry for your loss and SO with you. It’s never up to us, is it?
The total and utter loss of control is the hardest part of infertility–and I am so sorry that you are having to learn about it the hard way. You are in my prayers.
I absolutely agree that Someone Else is in charge of our bodies, our lives, our everythings – I just wish His plans were a little less cryptic sometimes.
I learned this lesson, too. That my “plan” had very little control over my “path.” I used to pray that if I wasn’t ready to have another baby, but God felt it was time, he would send one anyway. Then I had a surprise and I learned to be careful what you pray for.
I hope that you are recovering well and feeling better. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to deal with your loss and wish you the best. I wish there were more I could do to help out.
I couldn’t agree with you more on this one. I conceived 3 children using birth control (one ended in a miscarriage)and then I had a horrible accident in my OB’s office. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to have more than the two that I’d been blessed with. I was devastated, like you mention, about not having control over it. After a year of trying with no success I realized, much like you, that I never really had control to begin with. I exercised my faith that He’d send me another child if I should and when I should. I conceived shortly after that, but am no longer able to have more. I am OK with it even though it’s not how I had pictured things turning out. “Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.” Thank you for sharing.