On my post about joining the Bad Mother camp, our good friend Josh left a comment that ends:
It’s funny. “Bad Fathers,” I think, are men who suffer from strained (or non-existent) relationships with their children. “Bad Mothers,” it seems, are women who suffer from strained relationships with other women.
At first I thought this was the most profound thing I’d ever heard or read on the good/bad mother issue. Then I felt defensive — my relationships with other women are just fine, thank you very much. Now I’m back to thinking Josh is really (really) smart.
Because it is my relationship with this women that I mourn. I no longer look forward to spending time with her. I don’t want to share with her what is going on in my life. I can’t imagine opening my heart up or being honest about my worries.
(And if I am apparently such an inadequate mother in her eyes, she can’t possibly want to spend time with me, either.)
Josh is especially right that the good/bad mother label, as I now see it, as we feel it projected on us or think in our minds about each other, is not about the kids, how healthy and happy they are, but about how we compare, how we differ, from other mothers.
And that STINKS.
I also wondered, in the weeks after this experience, if I have often been so sanctimonious and insufferable to other mothers, and you know that I have. I know that I have, especially when I was first a mother. The older I get, the more conviction I have that the choices I have made are right for my kids and myself, and at the same time, I have less and less conviction that they are necessarily right for other people. Even the things that I love/value/admire most about being a mother (like breastfeeding) — some otherwise charming and delightful women get tunnel vision with their issues and I gotta tell you it is the opposite of appealing, no matter how much I like them personally.
I don’t even want to make a list of the things I do or believe in as far as mothering goes, because this isn’t about the disposable diapers or public schools in Utah or atavistic rejection of all things babywearing and co-sleeping — it’s about any woman thinking she knows what’s best for anyone other than the people who live at her house. (Sorry, I snuck a list in there, but if you’ve read this website before, you’re probably not surprised by anything on it.)
I guess my main point is: An apology to good mothers/bad mothers everywhere. May I never use either term ever again. Please forgive me if I have ever made a judgment verbally or to myself about the way you go about being a mother.
The End.
Subscribe by email
I thought that was one of the most telling statements of the entire comment section. Interesting isnt it, but I think part of the difference is men just dont seem to take parenting as personally for the most part as women do.
I can get completely offended by an offhand comment ab out our kids and i will stew over it forever and take it to mean i am a horrible parent and my children are heathens…Chris can hear the exact same comment, or i can tell him about it and in general he will either ignore it completely or start strutting around like a peacock going….”thats my boys”
steff
What a profound statement by your dear reader. It is amazing how much insight one can gain from such few words. I am definitely guilty of putting my 2 cents in here and there when it comes to parenting. It’s hard not to when you are as perfect as me. LOL
LOL like when you said you wouldn’t let your kids play with mine because of my stance on vaccination?
Jane Reply:
September 21st, 2009 at 8:21 am
I’m pretty sure I never said they couldn’t play with your kids because of the vaccination stance (not even in my mind). (But yes, I’m sorry I think you’re weird to not do vaccinations
)
Jane Reply:
September 21st, 2009 at 8:23 am
(That was supposed to be a tongue-sticking out pfferbit emoticon, but now it just looks like I was copying yours.)
Jane Reply:
September 21st, 2009 at 8:27 am
I would bring the kids over to your house to play today, but NM is a bit of a drive for us. So imagine we are there in spirit. Fully-vaccinated spirit
(another tongue-sticking out pfferbit emoticon).
Jane Reply:
September 21st, 2009 at 8:36 am
So lame. I am trying to make a joke about this and now feel all self-conscious. (Am I being judgy? I wish I were funny. If I were funny, people would know I’m not serious. I don’t care about vaccinations. How do I joke about them without sounding like I do care? AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh.)
Josh is very smart. Why do we care so much about what other women think. Now looking back, everytime I have thought “I am a bad mom” it is because I am not as good as ____(insert name of someone I admire). But if I looked at all I did, I would be much more pleased with the job I am doing.
Very interesting comments all. I wonder if Dr. Laura can’t be blamed for some of the judgments we pass (and are victims of). As much as I love to listen to her, she bugs me no end when she summarily dismisses “what ifs.” So much of our disciplining and education and even feeding and nurturing end up being instantaneous judgment calls, which may or may not fit hers or anyone else’s world view.
I have found that the things I wanted most to communicate to my children I taught very poorly, and yet they survived! They thrived! They even excelled in spite of my failures! I cannot account in any way for my children’s successes, so I have concluded that just loving them (and making sure that they know they are loved) has got to be the most important part of mothering in the end.
Okay, I’m getting paranoid now that I was the one who said something to you that offended you. I didn’t, did I?
Anyway, I hope not. I actually think I’m pretty good at not judging others but I am horrible about judging myself. I love this line: “The older I get, the more conviction I have that the choices I have made are right for my kids and myself, and at the same time, I have less and less conviction that they are necessarily right for other people.” I’ve always been pretty good at not projecting my personal philosophies and beliefs on others. I’m just not so good at not judging myself by their standards. Or convincing myself that they are not judging me. I am of the mindset that if we, as women, could stop doing both (judging others by our standards or judging ourselves by theirs) we’d have a seriously strong sisterhood and we’d never feel alone.
And about the good and bad thing, they’re just adjectives after all. Little words that can really mean a myriad of things. But I can promise you one thing…if I’m using either of those adjectives on you, it’s going to be the former.
But I’m just a black and white kind of girl.
In my comment you reference, I also said this:
“I’m always a little timid about commenting here and revealing my ignorance or wording something poorly and suffering for it later.”
Checking your blog today and seeing a piece of my comment as the subject of this post did not cure me of this timidity. In fact, it kind of gave me a coronary.
Jane Reply:
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:52 pm
I’m sorry, Josh. I thought I had read your comment carefully, but I honestly don’t remember that line (maybe I was blocking it out?).
I hope this doesn’t discourage you from commenting in future — I always appreciate your insights (obviously).
Josh Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:50 pm
No worries. Anytime you want to take a comment of mine and talk about how I’m “really (really) smart,” go ahead. It might help compensate for all the time I spend feeling really (really) stupid.
Also, you should know I love reading your blog. I’ll certainly continue to comment.