Several months ago I wrote an impassioned argument against the Bad Mother Manifesto. I felt that proudly proclaiming oneself a “Bad Mother” as a way of standing up against (admittedly insane though often-projected) societal expectations was unproductive and defensive. I even went so far as to say that the kind of women who couldn’t shrug off such perceived criticism had a weakness of personality and purpose.
I’ve changed my mind.
Honestly, in my eight years of being a mother, I had never experienced the sort of criticism or judgment that these women described as the reason for wanting to carry the Bad Mother banner.
And then I did.
Recently I spent time with a Type-A, Alpha, Helicopter, hyper-focused maternal being who made me feel inadequate, defensive, judged, combative.
I wanted to park my kids in front of Phineas and Ferb for six hours while I gorged on bad carbs and made love to Spot’s leftover disposable diapers.
I wanted to smash her smug face in.
The way some women act, mothering should be an extreme sport or an Olympic event in the constant orchestration of a perfect childhood. And not just “a” perfect childhood, but “the” perfect childhood. With extra marks for each nutritional supplement and organized activity, bonus points for organic cleaning supplies and never desiring a babysitter.
I want to shrug it off. I want to go back to being a good mother and ignoring the corrosive effects of competitive mothering, something I so recently dismissed as easily ignored.
But now I’ve seen it, heard it, felt myself shrinking in and shutting down, giving up on sharing what works for me and mine, I wonder why we women do this.
Is it a female thing?
Do men sneer at the non-homeschoolers as they play pick-up basketball? (Maybe they do, but Tom has never come home wringing his hands over class sizes.)
Is it a cultural thing?
“Society” and the magazines at the doctors, the guests on Oprah, the blogs of perfect mothers, the parenting books by experts, all those things I can easily ignore. But when it’s your friend at the park, your neighbor at church, the checker at the grocery store, a sister or mother or the in-laws, then it is harder to disregard. Especially if that person points out your flaws out of “love” or “concern.”
Or, as C. S. Lewis put it:
Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.
Is it an identity thing?
From the time Sally was one month to eighteen months old, I worked at Columbia while Tom stayed home until his evening classes. I was so happy with that arrangement. My supervisor was supportive of my pumping and condensed schedule, my baby was being cared for by her father, and I was talking with adults every day. Later I was the stay-at-home parent.
That’s been up and down, mostly up, recently, but there’s a huge difference in how I stay at home and how he did. When Tom stayed at home he didn’t join playgroups or sign Sally up for classes. He fed her and napped her and took her to the park. He wrote his novel as he watched her in the baby swing. He put wooden letters from her puzzle on her head and took silly photographs.
Staying at home was what he did, not who he was. As soon as I started staying home, I set out to create a new identity for myself. It wasn’t what I did, it was who I was.
And now I think that was largely the problem.
The good mother/bad mother thing is a female thing because we’re naturally pretty competitive creatures, especially when it comes to our offspring. We fought for power and influence on the playground and now we fight for moral superiority . . . on the playground.
It’s a cultural thing too, because there are all those books and blogs and experts and a national holiday. And because your friend, your neighbor, your sister probably does things differently, and in order to feel a success, the things she does (the things I do) become the better way, the best way, the only way.
And, most of all, for me, it’s an identity thing. Attack my mothering, and you criticize not what I do, but who I am.
If that’s what it takes to be a Good Mother?
I hope there’s room in the Bad Mother tent.
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slacker mom that i am, all i need to keep myself from feeling intimidated by the helicopter alpha moms is a firm conviction that kids need to be kids. they need a childhood–complete with dirt, downtime and even a little dora.
i have that conviction, so i don’t let the good moms get to me. i am completely content in the bad mom camp. and i kind of like how my kids are turning out–so i’ll stay right here. at least i’m in good company.
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I still think good or bad are just words, and they’re relative. I still think the biggest critic we face is ourselves. When we feel enough confidence (not just competence) nothing people say will be able to shake us.
I can’t tell you how many people have said things to me about binkies and daycare and washing with name-your-arch-enemy-chemical, all with crinkled nose. I don’t feel bad. I don’t think it makes them bad, either. I just forgive, and picture them suffering from some itchy-skin rash that is causing their disagreeable demeanor. What else is there to do?
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Jane Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
I love your idea of forgiveness!
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Enjoyed the read, loved the C.S. Lewis quote. We all have our strengths as Mothers and we have things we are working on. My Mum was sometimes challenged by some of her 7 children about the lack of clubs and after school stuff we did. Her simple response – “well I did not have a nervous break down!” I preferred the sane Mum. Being a Mum should not be a competition (I have always hated the whole who does the best birthday parties, who’s kids wear the most designer clothes and who’s kids are more ‘gifted’ – Thang!)
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Jane Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
One of the things that makes me happiest about my kids is that each one of them will tell anyone that their favorite store is DI (a thrift/secondhand store).
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I agree with all of your points and would add just one. I think another contributing factor to this insecurity is the idea that we are THE MOTHER. We are supposed to have the best interests of our entire family as the centerpiece of our lives. Why would we then allow our children to watch TV/eat processed food/put dirt in their mouth? Our job is to protect and nurturing and if we aren’t doing that in the purest most optimal fashion than surely we are failing.
My list of societal failures as a mother is lengthy but I’m comforted by the fact that so is the list of other mothers. We’re HUMAN and we can only do the best we can, which is all our mothers did and they seemed to do okay.
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Jane Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
I think you’re right about The Mother thing, but the insecurity thing — I didn’t think I was expressing an insecurity. (If I could only list everything this person considers necessary, it’s clearly insane, and would make it obvious that I am not wishing I could be/do that sort of mothering). Anyway. I have insecurities, sure, but this is about the fact that I no longer want to contribute (however inadvertently) to a cult of the Good Mother. (if that makes any sense.)
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So… what happened, exactly? When it was other women who were upset at being judged you said, “…the kind of women who couldn’t shrug off such perceived criticism had a weakness of personality and purpose.”
But because one woman got all superior in YOUR face, that’s no longer true? You changed your mind entirely because you don’t want to be one of those women weak in personality and purpose or because of something larger that you didn’t quite explain?
How does your one experience change the idiom that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent?
If you only point was that type-A, helicopter moms who make mommying a sport are annoying, I don’t see why that would require you to eat crow. They’re so annoying that you, too, want to be let into the Bad Mother tent just to mock the Good Mothers?
That’s a separate issue from your opening paragraph about taking things personally.
I feel like this is missing a few connecting paragraphs.
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Natasha Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Sorry, not idiom. Cliché. (I think it’s true, but it’s still a cliché.)
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Jane Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
I can’t be more specific or clear because I actually love the person this happened with, and don’t want to ruin our relationship.
As far as feeling inferior goes (I don’t) — what I realized (internalized) was that rejecting the notion of competitive “good” mothering is quite liberating, and actually, the only way I could stop myself from coming to hate this person.
If her way of being a mother is the only way to be a good mother, fine, I’m happy to be a bad mother, and I’ll try to stop myself in future from giving advice. Doesn’t mean I’ll stop writing or talking about good things I do with my kids, but I’ll try harder to not sound as if what I do is the best or only way to do things.
(You’re right this was only “one” experience, but trust me, it was quite eye-opening.)
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I decided when we had our first that I dont really agree with a lot of the modern kid related mores. I think 3 is too young for kids to be in school full time, I think expecting 5 y/os to be in school full days and know the things a 7 y/o knew 3 decades ago is too much, I think we are stealing our kids childhoods and setting them up to fail. I kinda think my kids school has proven my theory. K turned 6 in june. he is the youngest kid in first grade. the majority of his class have either already turned 7 or will be 7 by the end of the year. there are 5 kids besides him out of the 100 who will turn 7 after the first of next year. They have all been held back either in pre k or kindergarten. BECAUSE OF LACK OF MATURITY issues. The reading requirements in kindergarten are about what you were required to know coming out of first grade in the 70s/80s.
My kids are allowed to play outside and *gasp* get dirty….my mom and my sister will get all aghast and say but Stephanie they are filthy….
Who cares they are WASHABLE…God made ‘em that way.
I have crayoned walls and play dohed carpets…its not perfect, but there will be time for that when they are gone.
I let them watch too much tv sometimes but there are times they go weeks without turning one on. we have been known to have a picnic in my bed and I have taken them for ice cream at midnight….sometimes its those lil small “bad” things that make me an AWESOME mom for my boys.
steff
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Jane Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Interesting what you say about grade-level requirements getting stricter for kindergarten, etc. Usually all we hear is how dumb our high schoolers are nowadays.
And we do the same w/ tv. Periods of famine and feasting!
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steff Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
You know I have decided the dumb high schoolers is a direct result of the helicopter parent thing. I love my best friend to death and in most aspects of motherhood we are the same, but for schoolwork. She cannot bear the thought of her kids not getting straight A’s and doesnt want to wait for them to do the work themselves the way she thinks it should be done….so she does it for them, and I dont mean she checks it I mean if they have a speech she writes it, if they have a test she studies for it, if they have a science project she puts it together. They are having trouble with basic algebra concepts(which I excel at…and offered to tutor them in)she refused because I refused to teach her and let her teach them.
She does their 4H cooking, and speechwriting, and all social studies papers.
I told her that was awesome, but I passed the 5th grade 25 years ago and fully do not intend to take it over again myself.
I have other friends that agree it is their responsibility to write the papers, speeches, etc so their child can win the blue ribbons and accolades. I figure my child will be that much prouder of such an accomplishment if it is their accomplishment, not mine.
S
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I still think you are a fantastic mother. Even if you use bleach and send your kid to public school. ;-P But what I think shouldn’t matter.
What I got from this post is that you don’t want to care what other people think. You want to be able to shrug off the “advice” and commentary on your parenting. But you are having a hard time doing that. Which I understand. And I do believe it is a women thing. I think women strive for approval and camaraderie from other women. Even if we don’t admit it to ourselves, I am certain that most do. And if we are struck down it hurts and can be difficult to overlook.
Good or bad… We are mothers and should support each other in one of the most difficult tasks possible… Parenting.
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Jane Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
I hope it stems from caring what other people think, but I’m actually afraid it’s a more ugly, primeval desire to tell smug busybodies to shut the hell up.
Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear (and maybe this is part of Natasha’s confusion too). Interacting with this person in no way made me reconsider the choices I make every day.
Instead, it made me wonder, “Was I ever that sanctimonious?” “Did I ever sound this insufferable to someone else?”
This piece is more concerned with how we mother our children that how we interact with each other as mothers.
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Jane Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
(As you said so well in your last couple paragraphs.)
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Steph Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 12:32 am
I find myself giving unsolicited advice quite often. I need to tell myself to shut the hell up. Because I do realize that what worked for me won’t always work for another person.
And lets get real… I sent my kids to school in Spongebob boxers last week and he wouldn’t change in gym class. Should anyone really want my advice? LOL
No need to apologize to me. Wait, yes, I am a bad mom. I accept!
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i dont get this guilt thing. i know a couple of supermoms and i like both of them. i don’t strive to be like them. not all of us are born as superpeople. my husband is superman, but i don’t compete with him. i let him pick up my slack.
i think i’m a great mom, i’m by no means a supermom. i like to watch my supermom friends and get ideas from them. sometimes i try some things they do and at times i even improve my skills. i’m comfortable with the baby steps i take to become a better person overall.
i do my best, which is nobody else’s best, and i have faith that the atonement will take care of the rest, and my kids will grow up to be happy good people….
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Jane Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
The only guilt I feel is that I might have sounded as smug before as this person sounded to me. As I said in a comment above, I didn’t rethink my mothering choices, I rethought how I talked about mothering.
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Steff’s parenting philosophy sounds very familiar. Almost like I live it every day…
And you want to know a secret? I secretly judge helicopter parents because I think they are ruining their children’s creativity and ability to cope with life. But I try really hard not to judge them out loud or treat them any differently than normal mothers. I accept that their parental philosophy is different than mine and how they choose to raise their children is none of my business. Sometimes I even accept that, for their children, they may be doing what is right. I still, however, avoid play dates with said women- mostly because I find it harder to be accepting (and hold my tongue) when they are criticizing my parenting skills.
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Jane Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Amen.
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charlotte if ya ever come to OK you and i could be good friends then…cause i am the same way w/ the helicopter moms for the most part
though I do have one friend who is a HM and she loved to let her kids come here because I was more relaxed and they got a chance to explore both worlds by visiting my house….i love to let my kids go to her house cause there they get to see a clean house…LOL
Steff
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Charlotte Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I was born in AK about 5 minutes from the OK border, but probably not coming back anytime soon.
If you roll your eyes about helicopter parents, you might enjoy this article I read a couple months ago about being a submarine parent: http://blog.seattlepi.com/parentingwithpizazz/archives/140872.asp
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steff Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
“OMG love the article about the sub parents. That is it exactly…i hover below the surface ready for an emergency but it better be an emergency.
How funny is that I live in OK about 10 miles from the AR border. my youngest was born in AR because it was closer to the hospital there.
Steff
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Charlotte Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 4:56 am
As long as it wasn’t in Siloam Springs, that would just be too weird.
steff Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 7:08 am
LMBO…He was born in Johnson at the womens center…I figured if i had to drive to siloam i might as well go on all the way in to the really good(read spa like) womens center….
But Siloam is the nearest town to us.
Steff
Sorry you went through that kind of moment. It is true, as C.S. Lewis so eloquently states, that there is a type of tyranny beneath moral superiority.
Good mom, bad mom, whatever – I’m sure people have looked in at my parenting moments and judged me as both. But that judgement is usually in the eyes of strangers, not someone with whom I feel like I can be unguarded and real.
I like the idea of submarine parents! LOL! One of my stock phrases with my kids when they interrupt (as kids do) is, “Are you bleeding? Is something on fire? Do you have a bone sticking out?” I’m guessing I qualify for sub-mom status!
Hang in there, girl!
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steff Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 7:09 am
yep our questions follow those lines too Marianne…but on bleeding I include to death, because somehow or another both of my older boys react like a spot of blood is a flood…..
Steff
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Jane Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 8:34 am
I like to think I’m not so sensitive or easily swayed as to have rethought my entire philosophy over a single moment’s experience (it was an entire, relentless week. And the only adjective strong enough is “sanctimonious” — is there any more terrible indictment I could pronounce?).
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To me it’s funny that you feel judged by the homeschoolers, because we homeschoolers are on constant attack from judgmental people that want to see our credentials and quiz our kids to make sure we’re not slacking. Maybe that’s why some homeschoolers come across as judgmental, because we’re in fact on our guard, bracing ourselves for the usual “but what about socialization?” questions and such.
But anyway I think women in general are just so overburdened by our own expectations and those of others. For me the worst culprit is my husband. The way he describes me to people, they’re shocked when they actually meet me because they expected some cowering mail-order bride.
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Jane Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 9:07 am
It’s not all homeschoolers (or even many — but I have a real problem with someone telling me I “should” homeschool, because if not my kids will be compliant instead of curious and basically big fat losers.)
Do you read Mrs. G? She posted on Pioneer Woman yesterday about the socialization question, and I think that should settle it once-and-for-all. I greatly admire homeschoolers, and if I were a different sort of person (or if my kids need(ed) it) I definitely would, but if I ever did, I’ll try hard not to sound too superior about it
)
http://thepioneerwoman.com/homeschooling/2009/09/the-oldest-one-in-the-book/
I was also recommended by someone else The Call to Brilliance book, and want to read it. Have you?
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Jane Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Oh, and that makes me wonder how my husband describes me to others. (I probably sound like Kate Gosselin — before her husband turned out to be such a jerk.)
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Deanna Reply:
September 17th, 2009 at 11:15 am
I still remember a homeschooling “friend” flat-out asking me why I was “too selfish” to homeschool my children.
Did I feel judged? You bet.
Did I feel secretly giddy when I learned that the same woman enrolled all of her kids in public school a couple of years later, so she could “work on some of her own projects”? Oh, yeah.
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I haven’t, I will look for it. I think most people need to recognize that homeschooling is a grueling, difficult endeavor and definitely not something that everyone should do, unless they’re looking for a prolonged vacation at a mental institution. I was at the homeschool co-op on Tuesday and we were joking around about what it would be like to have the whole day to ourselves with the kids in school, but at the same time agreed that we simply can’t entrust our kids’ minds to the public system. But never did anyone suggest that those who do are inferior in any way, it’s as personal a choice as anything.
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I love that quote by Lewis. I have faced that kind of criticism over and over. The loving kind. Mostly from my mother-in-law but also from my Mom, all my siblings, friends (who are no longer friends), strangers, etc. I think I’ve faced that kind of criticism you are talking about. When I was dealing with depression my mother-in-law did not show any concern for me. No, she was concerned for my sweet little children and dear king wonderful husband. What if I were to hurt them? That would just break her heart. (And I don’t just mean emotionally, she was concerned that I would hurt them physically).
Anyway, I’ve had to turn the other cheek, and yes, I’ve had to justify myself for things I have and mostly haven’t done. But through it all…I’m still going to keep the title of good mother. The people who matter most to me think I am. You know, my man and The Man. And that’s good enough for me.
And if I were to claim any other such thing, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t make my way out of the wreckage.
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I wanted to add, I was at the homeschool co-op the other day and we were talking about getting the kids to do housework. I interjected and said, “what about husbands? how do you get your husbands to help out around the house?” Because Brad won’t do ANYTHING, not even take out the trash or heat his own food in the microwave. I’m sure most husbands will at least do that. And one of the women started going off about how the men work all day and shouldn’t have to do anything, etc. etc. I about exploded, because I don’t see why I should be expected to work 24 hours a day with no break whatsoever, and do it gladly. Brad works and then gets to rest. It’s hard enough to shoulder all the work I’m expected to do without someone telling me, without fully understanding the situation, that I ought to just put my nose to the grindstone and shut up.
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I’m a father, so I concede from the get go that there’s an awful lot about mothering I just don’t understand. In fact, I’m always a little timid about commenting here and revealing my ignorance or wording something poorly and suffering for it later.
Having said that, it pains me to see any mother (especially one as conscientious and loving as I know Jane is) embrace the title “Bad Mother,” even if it is to thumb a nose at the harsh judgments of the robotic “Good Mothers.”
Maybe part of the problem here is that too many “Good Mothers” set arbitrary mothering rules and then spend their time sorting mothers into groups, the way you’d sort dimes from pennies. Ignoring these sorters is pretty hard, and I can certainly see how crying out, “Enough! Stick me in the ‘Bad Mother’ group” would be oh-so-liberating.
And maybe another part of the problem is how we think of the word “good.” “Good” things only seem to exist in comparison. A “good” cake, for example, only exists when we compare it to other less-tasty cakes. We deem a child “good” only after comparing her to other children. But do we have to use “good” competitively? Can’t a mother be good for her children, regardless of what other mothers are doing?
It’s funny. “Bad Fathers,” I think, are men who suffer from strained (or non-existent) relationships with their children. “Bad Mothers,” it seems, are women who suffer from strained relationships with other women.
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Motherboard Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
“Bad Fathers,” I think, are men who suffer from strained (or non-existent) relationships with their children. “Bad Mothers,” it seems, are women who suffer from strained relationships with other women.
Very well said!
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I wonder how much of this “Good Mother” syndrome is from women trying not necessarily to appear to be a good mother, but rather the better mother? Some women are so competitive that they want to be viewed as the best mother, thus creating unreal or at least unrealistic ideas and expectations as to how one would accomplish that. I also wonder how much of it is women who have no other creative outlet, so all of their energy is thrust into mothering. Which isn’t bad, but can create a monster, so to speak.
Fantastic post! It’s got the wheels a turning in that rusty old brain of mine.
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[...] my post about joining the Bad Mother camp, our good friend Josh left a comment that ends: It’s funny. “Bad Fathers,” I think, are men [...]