My sister has been dating a lot lately, and much of the time this is a torturous series of first dates, euphoria, disappointment, and resignation (not always in that order).
But sometimes it makes me wonder “What if?”
“What if I weren’t stuck with Mr. Bennet and our predictable, plodding life?”
Peruse, for example, this excerpt from the online profile of bachelor #543 (Who says all the good men are taken?):
Let me be open and honest (the more honest a person is the more I’m attracted to them and so I think it would only be fair for me to be completely honest with them). Okay, so let me cut right to the chase.
My first wife and I got divorced in 2007 because I had an affair. Now you have the truth.
…
I ended up remarring on a rebound relationship 6 months after getting divorced to a woman who I loved with all my heart. She was a big partier in her previous life, but said that she had changed and quite drinking, but 11 months into our marriage I came home to an empty house. She had left a note saying that she wasn’t going to live a lie anymore and went back to her old life of drinking and sleeping around. I have never spoken to her since. Needless to say two days later I signed the annullement papers.I guess you could say I have a huge crush for blonds and read heads who are wild and passionate in the bedroom. If you are a girl who has had a wild past to say the least I am the last to judge and believe that our past decisions and mistakes don’t define who we are now. If you were one who liked to drink and party, etc. I completely understand and won’t hold it against you…if you have changed. But if you have not changed and tell me that you have I’ll find out and I won’t have anything to do with you.
…
Personally I have never drank alcohol or smoked or done any drugs; I guess you could say those things don’t do anything for me or tempt me. On the other hand if you’re not passionate (you know what I mean) you won’t be able to keep up with me and I have to be married to someone who can keep up with me or even surpass me in that realm)
…
Another thing you should know about me is that I am applying for medical school in a year. I have my undergraduate degree in economics, but I will finish my pre-reqs for medical school this year. In other words, if you’re not tough enough to handle living with a doctor and all that work and financial stress and luxuary that comes with that job then I’m not right guy for you.
…
My dream wife is a beautiful blond pure virtuous woman (I’m a sucker for blonds and red heads…if you’re neither I’m sorry I won’t budge on this one). Someone who cares for me and takes care of her body as much as I do (I lift 5 times a week, ride my road bike daily and run every Saturday).
…
As I mentioned earlier, I don’t know why, but passionate girls are a huge turn on for me, but they need to have cleaned up their life before I will have anything to do with them. I was married in the temple the first time and I won’t settle for any other kind of marriage.If all of this has scared you then I’m sorry and I’m just not the right guy for you. If you’re still interested then show me that you have guts and send me a message or flirt.
Muah!
On second thought . . . I just don’t know if I’d have the guts to approach such a paragon!
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Sure am glad I’m a brunette
I read that with a totally open mind, thinking I would like the guy. He came off sounding pretty dumb and repetitive. That was all he could think of to say about himself or about someone he’d like to marry?
I need someone with a bigger imagination.
And I love brunette women.
Jane Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:21 am
The sad thing is that, even a former relative of mine who is basically like this, even he is smart/aware enough to try and present himself in a more positive light, you know? This guy sounds too dumb to make it in med school (I hope).
I think that guy needs to say a little less and leave a little mystery. TMI.
Jane Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:23 am
I think the confession part is okay — if it showed honesty, humility, understanding of others’, desire to be a better husband this time around, etc; instead, it’s almost like he’s bragging. Like he wants you to know that SHE didn’t leave him, he was already done with her.
Wow, grammatical errors are such a turn on… Not to mention: the vain, sex crazed, cheating… What a catch!
I have a friend that lives in St. Paul and meets men online through match.com she sends me a “profile” to check out before she meets up with them (in a busy place around tons of other people of course) and there are some really scary ones out there! This was is pretty hilarious, I just sent it to her:)
Jane Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:28 am
Hope it makes her feel better about being single — I think it helped my sister!
Dood… If I ever happen to become single please shoot me or send me to the nunnery.
this guys sounds horrible! he’s not the for better or for worse type. all he wants is the better. he does not sound like he will ever have a successful marriage. it’s all about what he will get and not about what he will give. looks like more broken marriages and affairs are coming his way…
one of your other cousins had the funniest quote on her blog. it states:
“Men are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken, all the free ones are handicapped”
Jane Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:29 am
I would take a physically handicapped guy over an emotionally and mentally stunted specimen like this…
Sylwia Lipinska Hardman Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:19 am
i don’t think the joke is about the physically handicapped. it’s just compared to parking spaces. the single guys like the one you list, are precisely mentally and emotionally AND SPIRITUALLY handicapped… at least that’s how i took the joke…
I’m trying to figure out how he managed to find not one but TWO women to marry him already!
There are so many gorgeous, virtuous, “experienced” women out there looking for shallow, cheating men advertising at least 7 years of poverty and stress. I’m wondering, since he specified he wouldn’t budge on the hair color, if everything else is negotiable?
I agree with Steph- shooting or nunneries are definitely more preferable to sifting through prospects like that.
Jane Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:30 am
Sounded like he wouldn’t budge on the “used to be a partier and knows sex tricks” part either.
Oh, and don’t forget the eventual “luxuary” he promises!
Well, I AM blond, but I don’t like d*bags. And I won’t budge on that.
You know, instead of sounding “open and honest” to me that ad sounded threatening. Run away all you blondes and red heads, because if you can’t keep up with him in the bedroom whilst supporting all his doctor dreams without turning to the bottle for a little comfort all the while being passionately supportive… then you’re screwed. Literally and figuratively.
I’d love for a mental health professional to get their hands on that guy…
Jane Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:31 am
I think the diagnosis would be “narcissism,” although that usually goes hand-in-hand with a better ability to gauge people and get them to like you, at least initially.
I just…I can’t…what in the…I…
Jane,
this may be obvious to everyone else, but just struck me, how this post and the one before it are so related (actually, they are all related in that they represent what is rattling around in your mind).
The paragon you quote would obviously not be interested in any farter. (And since everyone does, he will never be happy). IE anyone w the emotional maturity of a 5 yr old would hopefully have learned that happiness involves over-looking one’s love’s imperfections. It is those who cannot who get stuck on porn, or as this paragon says “passion”. He reminds me of a former relative.
Sylwia Lipinska Hardman Reply:
August 2nd, 2009 at 5:47 pm
i don’t know who capt Kirk is, but he is sure wise…
Is this guy for real? I love that what he desires most is a woman who is a red head or a blond and who takes care of her body as well as he does. I mean really, what more could a good marriage need than smokin’ hot bodies? I guess his first wife must not have measured up, which is why he had to look elsewhere.
This kind of ad makes me think twice about encouraging my BF to give internet dating a try. And then … if he’s the low end of the dating pool, then there’s got to be guys who are so much better!
Well, good luck to him in his search. He won’t find what he’s looking for. Or maybe he will and then, good luck to them.
I hope your sister finds someone WAY nicer than bachelor #543.
OK guys…i just have to speak up for online dating. I answered a personal ad 8 years ago in May. We will be married 7 years this august and have three georgeous sons to show for it as well.
If you want to encourage your friend tell her to join hobby type groups as well such as a car collectors forum etc….
my dad has a retro thunderbird and there is a net group where he has met up with other ‘t bird owners…at one of the meet and greet deals the first year or so there was a man from ca and a woman from ga who hit it off, they wound up having a t bird wedding on one of the jaunts…
i know another friend who met and married a guy she met online thru a hot wheels collecting group…
they are out there, and the net is as good a way as any and in many cases safer than a bar for sure.
Steff
Jane, You are soooo funny! I was laughing so hard at this post. These past few days I’ve been thinking about you, meaning to get in touch (in between burping the new baby and running after the other two girls)…just wanted to tell you what a pleasure it was meeting you and your husband over dinner at TP. It was great fun getting to know you and soaking up some of your effervescent energy!
Lisa
SMMARTideas
If this guy actually has an undergraduate degree I’ll eat liver for a year.
Wow, just…wow.
Check out this winner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhofSilF05k
Kirsty Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 2:07 am
OMG. Oh my golly goodness. All I can say is, good thing I didn’t have a beverage in my mouth while listening to those messages; if I had, my keyboard and PC would be so MESSY right now!
Dudes like that one are a big reason why I seriously considered dying my naturally blonde hair brown when I was in college.
I’d say that was a funny ad but since he’s so earnestly truthful (if spellcheck-challenged), I can only shudder.
Luck to your sister!
So then, I’m guessing he wants a blonde or redhead that loves to do nothing but have sex with him and should just be thankful that he’s going into financial ruin and might possibly cheat on her.
Where do I sign up?
Wow! That just makes me feel so um. . . well. Last night dh and I had the following weird conversation where I forbade him to die or divorce me. I explained that the chances of me remarrying with five kids were pretty much zero. And I didn’t really care to try and find a mate. I’m not really keen on dealing with stepchildren (I have a large enough brood), I worry about child abuse, and you just have to wonder why an LDS man is still not married by the time he is 40, that pretty much eliminates much of the single population for me.
Perhaps I’m wrong about this, but I do think the prospects are a bit better for him if I were to kick the bucket.
I am a “read head.” And I am So, So, SOOO glad not to be dating. I’m depressed for your sister just reading that.
But points to that guy for honesty. Or for coming up with a really, really good lie. I like how he throws the “I’m gonna be a doctor, so shut your mouth if you want my money” part in. What a keeper.
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