Lately the liking has come easier. I always love the baby (the almost-3-year-old baby) who clogs my toilet with half a roll of toilet paper and comes to me with questions like “Mom, can you get this out of my ear?”
I always love the middle child (the almost-5-year-old middle child) who, when we dropped her off at my parents last week, stroked my mom’s shin and said, “Grandma has spicy legs like you, Mom.”
I always love the Ally-Sheedy-from-The-Breakfast-Club character (the 8-going-on-13 year-old basket case) whose heart is broken whenever I ask her to empty the dishwasher or to explain where three hundred gumballs disappeared to.
I always love the sweet husband whose pneumonia from last month has resolved into a persistent hacking cough in my ear all night long.
I always love them, but lately, the liking has come easier too. Part of it is not having to change anyone’s diaper (what care I for a plunger that only half-heartedly plunges when it means luscious, unfettered toddler buns?). Part of it is being able to spend the lazy days of summer with them. Part of it is having fun house guests with three small boys and deciding my own loinfruit are not so bad. Part of it is realizing that some of our goals are becoming habitual (some of the time). Part of it is long naps and helpful basil harvesters.
Part of it, a big part of it, is thinking about having another kid. It’s hard to think about having another kid without remembering the older kids as babies and also considering their current (wondrous) incarnations. It’s hard to think about creating another life with Dick without grasping how utterly charmed is the life we have created the past eleven years.
I wonder if we could be finished, complete as we are. Did I enjoy my girls as babies enough? Did I get enough of the weight of their small heads nestled on my chest to last me? Do each of my daughters feel as important as an only child would?
I think they do, at least on the days that the dishwasher (and the chores it entails) only runs once.
But — do I have more of that, enough of that, to give to another child? I don’t feel the intense gush of baby-want that flooded me before, not even when I see bite-able chubby baby thighs. Spot is still happy to say she’s my baby and to cuddle her head in the crook of my arm for a solid four seconds.
And then there is the always-tantalizing imagining of what I could do instead of gestating and lactating and consternating (to echo PW) for the next few years. These kids here are practically ready to leave the house. I dreamt the other night that I applied to Columbia Law School so that we could live in student housing in Manhattan for three years (and so that I could become a Supreme Court judge in due time). I don’t really think I could become a Supreme Court judge, but it tickles me that my subconscious is so deludedly optimistic.
If we do have another baby, I’ll want a serious long babymoon. I’ll want to slow down enough so I’m not yelling more in the grocery checkout line. If I could stop shopping for groceries altogether, or stop shopping when everyone is hungry and tired, even when they began the trip fed and cheerful, I think the Supreme Court would actually be a criminal squandering of my awesome powers.
If I have another baby, I’ll want more patience, and more time to absorb the last infant, the first and last milky bubble burps.
Dick has decided that we will have twin boys this time. I think perhaps he needs to review the fifth grade maturation program, though twin boys would be great.
But what are the chances of that? Probably Dick doesn’t even make boy [insert comical term for sperm]. I asked how he’d feel if we had a fourth daughter and he said that would be great too. Then he can be like that dad on Pride and Prejudice. I pointed out that Mr. Bennet had five girls, and he just smiled.
Think God will hear me calling Dick “Mr. Bennet” and decide to show me that I don’t know everything?
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As you know, I too have been struggling with this decision and feel very much the same. Somehow I feel as if I’d be more patient the third time around, not just with the children but with myself. I will know that life is chaotic and that somehow that is okay. I will take the time to lounge in bed with my little baby and absorb the lusciousness of the coos that come with a new life. Is that delusional thinking though? Will I end up just crazy and stressed out and exhausted and as psychotic as I was after #2? And why now when #1 is finally starting school, #2 not that far behind and the idea of a full-time faculty position is within my grasp? Am I willing to start all over again? To once again to put all that great, individual potential on hold? But then the kids and I will spend a day at the movie theater instead of doing chores, the husband will come home and will be tickled pink that we played instead of worked, and I think “isn’t this what life is really about?”
I think perhaps that you and I are both really over-thinking this decision.
Jane Reply:
July 20th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Probably. And it’ll probably come down to how easily (or not) I get pregnant this time. I already feel some old-age (32
) infertility bec. it’s been much longer (say, 2 months) than it took the four other times I got pregnant (counting the miscarriage).
And I definitely don’t desire another baby enough to go to the trouble of adopting (though adopting, as wonderful as it is, has never appealed to me personally). And then I feel guilty for even thinking about it, bec. it’s kind of a self-centered thing, isn’t it? And my brother and his wife would give ANYTHING to have a first child. And I think I should offer to be a surrogate, but it’s hard to imagine giving up the baby at the end.
Beth Reply:
July 21st, 2009 at 7:15 am
I want to say one more thing about your age (Ms.”I’m soooo old”). I had Lucy when I was 34 and Max at 36. I’m now creeping up on 39 (the horrors of it all) and considering #3. On average, it takes most people 6 months to get pregnant. That is normal. 6 MONTHS. You’ve had three healthy pregnancies and should not be concerned at all about either infertility or birth defects. When you hit 35 your risks increase marginally but only marginally and according to my Ob/Gyn she doesn’t start really worrying until a woman is past 40. This means you have at least 8 good years of good fertility.
On a spiritual level I think God puts challenges in our way to test our fortitude, our will. If two months of not conceiving is enough to deter you from continuing to try, then perhaps you are not really ready for a fourth. After all this is not really YOUR decision to make and it is silly when we start to think we have more control over these decisions than we really do.
Jane Reply:
July 21st, 2009 at 8:29 am
Oh, I know. I was trying to convey winks ;P with the age and the infertility thing. It was interesting though, what I started thinking those two months that I was late and a test was negative or I was early and disappointed. I started wondering if my body had forgotten, was failing me, etc, and even though I know it’s NOTHING compared to what a truly infertile person goes through, I think I can now start to see why infertility is so hard — and not just bec. you want a baby, but bec. you want your body to work “the way it’s supposed to.”
And we haven’t stopped trying. Not yet, anyway. But I think you’re right about how we have much less control than we think we do. I was watching Sex and the City last night (I know) and watching Miranda with the baby, and Carrie with no husband and Charlotte not able to conceive — it’s crazy. No one gets what they want (or what they thought they wanted).
I read you blog thinking how sweet it was and then read my niece’s comment on Facebook. I had to chuckle and thought you would enjoy it. See below:
15 minutes in the life of a baby: play in dog food, splash dog water, spill dog water on tile and swim in it. Wait for Mommy to run bath, pee on a dirty sock on the floor, bathe, dress. (Mommy goes to clean up dog food). Distracted Mommy: eat a bath bead, cough and gag. Wait for Mommy to call poison control, get bored and disappear. Stay really quiet until Mommy frantically finds you hiding behind the shower curtain!
Jane Reply:
July 20th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Thanks for sharing that. I tried not to qualify this post to much with all of the poop issues and sleep deprivation that I well-remember being a part of kids-under-two.
I also have serious concerns about birth defects and things like that. My three kids are so healthy and “normal”. I don’t know if I have the resources and the love to deal with anything else — so sometimes I think — why push it?
A man that refers to Pride and Prejudice just off the top of his head like that? Where did you find such a speciman? (misspelling intentional har har)
Jane Reply:
July 20th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Actually, I’m pretty sure that the first time he said this he was thinking of Little Women with the four daughters but he thought the father was named Mr. Bennett. So. (Also, Dick did graduate in English and then got an MFA in creative non-fiction, so he SHOULD know references like that).
I have really enjoyed my fourth baby – not because he is totally different from the others – because I have finally learned to stop and enjoy everything about babies. Knowing now from experience how quickly babies grow up, I have felt justified in taking time to “absorb the infant” while letting everything else go. It has been wonderful feeling completely guiltless when I let the house go to play with the baby. I wish it could have been that way with the others.
Despite the extra chores and work that a 4th kid brings (which after 3-4 months doesn’t really feel any different than having 3 kids), I have been much happier with life – even to the point where I might someday consider having another (which was completely out of the question before).
My guess is that we are all better, more patient and laid-back (like Beth suggested) the next time around.
Besides – your kids are so great – how could I not totally recommend having another one!
Jane Reply:
July 20th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Thanks for sharing your experience, Suzy. One thing I felt when I had my second and third especially, was that I was laid-back and confident enough to enjoy the baby, having already figured most of it out, but by then, I didn’t have as much time to just sit and stare because the older kids needed more stimulation than that. (Of course now that they are all trained to self-entertain while I’m on the computer, it should be great).
That’s one reason we’ve got such a gap (will be at least 3 1/2 years) going between Spot and this hypothetical next one.
We’ve already talked about this plenty in person, so I don’t really need to comment (and you’re probably infertile anyway). But I wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading this post anyway. The writing is excellent. You are a fabulous prose-ist!
Jane Reply:
July 20th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Aw-shucks. (THANK YOU!)
This has been rolling around in my head as well. It must be in the air. Nancy showed me your blog and I enjoy it. Take a read over here: http://scienceteachermommy.blogspot.com/2009/07/mother-heart.html
It really caught the ambiguity that comes when contemplating another child…
Jane Reply:
July 20th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
A lot of this thinking for me is coming from growing my own garden for the first time. Something about all those seedlings several months ago and now the gorgeous yellow squash I eat every day has me thinking about growing other things.
Thanks for the link — that was a great post. (And I’d love to meet you sometime. I think we’ve been in the same place at least once, but I don’t think we’ve ever really talked. And your husband was always one of my favorite cousins!)
I felt angst about having another after my third. Wasn’t sure if I wanted to go through pregnancy again. I didn’t have too much time to over think it because when #3 was 9 months old we had a surprise and an 18 month gap between 3 & 4.
I have really been enjoying my children this summer, too, but NOT due to contemplating another addition to the family.
I have a theory that contradicts the oft-repeated idea that farmers throughout history have had big families because they needed help on the farm. Anyone who would have a bunch of kids expecting to be breeding HELP is out of his or her mind! My theory is that farmers had big families because they were part of the natural cycle of life, living as they did in tune with birth and death and life all around them. I’m not surprised that you feel the pull of new life at a time when you’re enjoying your garden. This is nature, and a garden puts you in touch with it.
are you pregnant yet?
and i thought Josh not Jared was your favorite cousin!
Jane Reply:
July 21st, 2009 at 8:30 am
Not yet (that I know of).
Depends who I’m talking to (just kidding. I have a lot of cousins, and there are only a few that I don’t really like). (just kidding).
Oooh! I hope you have twin boys! Want me to get some Ferron water for you? There have been three more girls that I’ve found out are having twin boys since I did. I thought you would have been pregnant already. Remember, if you want a boy, make sure you do the deed as close before ovulation as possible. That’s the theory anyway. Good luck!
With our fourth pregnancy (which is happening now), it took us more than a year to get pregnant, which was frustrating, when the longest it took me was 6 months w/ my third, no time at all w/ my 2nd, and a couple miscarriages before my first but no problem *getting* pregnant. I really, really appreciate the pregnancy now, and wonder at how incredible a little baby growing inside me can possibly be happening. At 16 weeks, feeling the baby moving, hearing the heartbeat, seeing the ultrasound, is much sweeter to me now because it was a longer time coming.
2nd.
When I was pregnant w/ my 3rd, I said I was going to slow down and REALLY enjoy my time w/ the baby, as the first 6 weeks go so fast, and you just can’t go back to them w/out having another baby! I was going to be more patient, get food to my children on time (ha! Still one of my worst weaknesses), blah blah blah.
And then, my husband lost his job 3 weeks before baby #3 was born. He found a new job–and drove from Houston, TX, to Southern CA to start the new job, 2 weeks after little Nathan was born. I was desperately trying to keep my house clean, sell the house, take care of a brand new baby WITHOUT a husband, while taking care of a 5 and 3 yr old and attempting to get kids to and from preschool. AND we moved 1500 miles to join hubby in CA when the baby was 10 weeks old. Just a BIT of stress in our lives. Whew.
Just sayin’…. Murphy’s Law. But. And it’s a super important *but*. One of the points of this life is hope. I kept hoping for a minute or time where I could really sit and cherish my new baby and growing family, and those times did come, even though they certainly weren’t a full 6 weeks of quiet bliss like I had pictured.
p.s. There will be a 5 year gap between #3 & #4, though I meant it to be a 4 year gap; I realized how hard being a mother is by #3, and must say that Natasha over at Becoming Something hit the nail on the head that it’s so hard when all your kids are no longer babies, and start growing up w/ their own ideas, feelings, attitudes. They’re imperfect, they have opinions (and arguments) over pretty much everything, and though there are moments I love their personalities, the constant fighting is not as fun as the baby cries and giggles.