I learned how to say “I’m sorry” from my dad. I didn’t always love him when I was a kid. I was afraid of his contempt, and he wasn’t often patient or easygoing. But he taught me how to say “I’m sorry,” because he always said he was sorry. And he proved he was sorry by changing. He became a better man, a better father. He recognized that he was sometimes not a good father, and he had the desire and will to change.
This taught me a lot about the good man who is my father, and that saying you’re sorry is important and best of all: that proving you truly are sorry by becoming something different, — that that is not only important, it is possible.
All that to say that I believe in saying “I’m sorry.” The words are important, because words are important. Whether it’s saying seven positive things to counteract one criticism or being grown-up enough to say I’m sorry when I am, I want the people who eat in my kitchen and model their behavior after mine to know that their feelings, and the words they hear — the words that circle in their heads like my parents’ voices circle in mine — that they matter to me.
I want them to know I value them enough to say “I’m sorry,” even though I’m the mom and they’re the kids, and even if they’re probably still young enough to not remember if I yell irrationally about the crumbs in the car.
There are lots of opportunities to practice “I’m sorry” online. Lots.
Last week I was a little bit appalled by a self-flagellating “I’m sorry” essay on the Motherlode blog. A blogger on momlogic had written about her three-year old son asking (upon being introduced to her coworker): “Mommy, why is her face brown?” Readers attacked her for not answering the question herself. Instead, she had turned to her colleague to see how she would like that kind of question addressed.
Maybe this particular firestorm was more an indication of how fraught race relations are rather than how we teach our kids and respond to their questions. Because allowing kids to interact with other adults without parental intervention is actually a good thing, an invaluable part of learning to converse. If a parent always jumps in to interpret, kids miss out.
So the first question is whether racial inquiries are in a category apart. Is it unconscionable to not immediately set little kids straight on the appropriate modes of racial discourse? How do you answer a question like that? Do you talk about skin pigmentation and the sun? DNA, genetics, the slave trade, family group migrations from continent to continent? Do you say that God created several different shades of skin because a rainbow wouldn’t be anywhere near as interesting or beautiful if there was only one color instead of seven? Do you say skin color doesn’t matter, what’s inside matters?
(Perhaps a parent should always answer this type of question, because she knows her child and which type of answer (scientific, moral, metaphoric) would best satisfy her child.)
This mother, put on the spot by a fearless, unprejudiced three-year old, didn’t have a pat answer ready. Instead she turned to her colleague, who responded playfully and memorably.
So far, so good, right? Of course then the mother (made the mistake of blogging about it and) got attacked for doing it (parenting) all wrong.
Which is not surprising. The internet, especially strangers on big sites, can be cruel. I have seen too many good people torn apart by unthinking, uncaring strangers for the crime of being reflective and uncertain and honest to think that writers should accept such attacks as the whisperings of their own conscience.
But that was exactly what this mother did. There was too much sorry in her response to her critics. Too much mea culpa and cringing and “feeling ashamed at the cowardly way I handled my own son wanting his mommy to help him work through something in his head.” She said she “dropped the ball entirely” and worries that it wasn’t her son who hurt her colleague’s feelings, it was her. Of course by all accounts the colleague, who humorously and child-friend-ily compared her skin’s color to peanut butter, didn’t seem all that hurt. But the mother continued on about how she “blew her chance” and missed a teaching moment — a moment when it was she who needed to be taught. She concluded that she is flawed.
I don’t want to criticize this woman because she already seems too self-recriminatory (and also it sounds like she is a great, conscientious mother), but it made me think of other instances in which I have heard people — especially women — apologizing too profoundly for things that either a) aren’t that big a deal or b) aren’t really sins or crimes or character flaws, but rather mistakes or things that happen in the course of everyday life.
I see my sister over-functioning in her relationships, eager to overlook infelicities and mold herself into someone agreeable (loveable). I hear friends apologizing profusely for missing a husband’s phone call or a mother at the park apologizing to her child for the kid’s falling down when the mother wasn’t being hyper-vigilant every second of the day.
Women apologize for being sad about secondary infertility when they know that some women have borne no children or for not being ecstatic about a surprise pregnancy because some would be overjoyed. I apologize for finding being a stay-at-home mom occasionally frustrating because I know some women would love to stay home.
My oldest daughter has learned to apologize when she spills the milk, and last night she tried to gulp back her tears when she banged her arm badly on the wooden leg of a chair, after a particularly spectacular gymnastic feat. I was reading a book, and she is aware and old enough to know how much I dislike interruptions. But her arm was pretty bruised up and I was happy to get her an ice pack and coo soothingly over her pain.
I felt bad that she thought she had to restrain her expression of hurt because it might inconvenience me, that she feared my impatience. I am here to comfort her and make things right in her world (even if my book was getting good right then). She doesn’t have to say “I’m sorry” for needing me; she doesn’t have to apologize in order to get my attention and affection.
And neither does my dad.
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Interesting. I, too, find the overly apologetic annoying. I sometimes call people on it, “Why are you sorry? Don’t be sorry.”
Then again I do a lot of apologizing because of my big mouth.
thank you so much, sweet Jane. I love you forever.
I always say I learned “I’m sorry” from Dad too. I’m learning to not over-function–it’s liberating as I notice it and get out of the pattern. Someday someone will meet me halfway and it’ll be spectacular!
This is a great post; focused and well-written. It gives me some things to think about. My Dad seems to have been similar to yours, but I might need to take a closer look at my own behavior and attitudes, because I’m not sure where I fall – too much or too little apologizing.
Also, there are many occassions that don’t call for an apology about our actions, but just that our actions might hurt others. Sometimes I can do the right thing for myself or my family that still affects others negatively (in their opinion). I can apologize that they are hurt without apologizing for my choice. Nothing wrong with that.
Jane Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Thanks for the writer compliments! I knew this post was actually a bit weird bec. of the two very different issues (apologies and racism), but sometimes what makes me think of something in real life is too important to leave out, you know?
Good point — on apologizing that people are hurt w/out apologizing for an action/choice that we feel is right for ourselves.
My daughter tends to fall into apology mode easily, too. She and Sally are near in age (she’ll be 8 in August).
I’m trying hard to let small things slide so my kids don’t grow into over-apologizers.
And I read through the links; oh my. I’ve had the same sort of thing happen with my kids, question-wise (because we are an outspoken sort of tribe here, even young) and my pat, true, and honestly believed answer is always, “Because that’s how God made them.”
Best to you.
Jane Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Good answer. I think I usually give all three different sorts of answers at different times, depending on how much time we have and how interested the kids actually are. The worst is when my kids ask why strangers are fat. Of course, they are starting to ask why mommy has owwies on her stomach (stretch marks, and I have to tell them, no, they don’t hurt, thanks for asking
.
Uh oh. This post has made me fast-forward to when my daughters will be grown women. I worry that they too will remember being “afraid of (my) contempt, and (how I) wasn’t often patient or easygoing”.
I really don’t know why I get so upset and feel the need to make them feel bad when they don’t do what I say, or make mistakes that every kid in the world makes. My father didn’t treat me like that.
I love my girls so much it is physically painful to me to think of others hurting them. For some reason, in the moment, it doesn’t seem to bother me so much when I do it by being too stern with them.
I cuddle my girls and tell them I love them often. I read to them, dance with them, play with them, put them to bed, etc… So I hope they know that I do love them, in spite of my shortcomings.
I, too, fear that I am creating over-apologizers. I worry that I am crossing the line of having them be obedient, to crushing their independence.
How do you all of you overcome the temptation to reprimand for the smallest offenses?
Sharla Reply:
June 19th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Jared, just the fact that you can write a comment like this says that you are a good father. Your girls will be just fine.
Jane Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:06 pm
I think Sharla’s right, Jared, that you are doing a lot right, as evidenced by your actions and your introspection.
I will say: it’s much easier to be patient and overlook small things when I am well-rested, well-fed, and not in a hurry. I can control our schedules to a great extent, and if I prepare and plan realistically, I can avoid a lot of over-tiredness and intolerance (on everyone’s part).
Jared Reply:
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
I appreciate your kind comments. I didn’t post seeking validation (though I am not so outrageously self-confident that I won’t take it where I can get it. Internet semi-anonymity notwithstanding.)
If being well-rested is a necessary condition for parental patience my kids are in big trouble.
I think for the most part we do a good job of managing expectations with the kids. The trouble I have is with the things that every kid does at some point in most every day. I’m not sure why I expect that a 5 year old should be able to be perfectly behaved 100 percent of the time. It isn’t reasonable.
Yesterday I thought I showed pretty good restraint when my 5 year old hauled off and smacked her aunt who was trying to pick her up. She got in trouble, but I managed to not yell. Barely.
I’m just trying to get better at recognizing when I am going overboard. Luckily my wife is always ready to help me see the things I could be doing better.
It is probably better to overapologize than not to apologize enough. Apologies can be very powerful things, healing wounds and building bridges of understanding between people.
Jane Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Yes, if the choice is between over- and under- apologizing, it’s definitely better to over-apologize. I am mostly concerned, I guess, with my daughters not turning into the sort of women who think that everything is their fault. I want them to do their best and then not feel bad if they are not perfect always, you know?
I apologize about things all too much; sometimes I’m afraid to write certain things on my blog for fear that I will ofend people. Ultimately, I know it is my blog and I can write what I want. And, I also know most of the people that read my blog and they should know me well enough to know that I would never intentionally hurt anyone. But stil, I don’t want to hurt people. I wish there was a good middle. If I were better at writing I might be able to find a way to say exactly what I feel and still not hurt anyone. I sometimes worry that if I write an opinion someone might think I am saying they are a bad mom or person for not agreeing with me, which is silly.
I have a friend that is proud of the fact that she can say whatever she thinks even if it will hurt someone. She tells people that she is not like other girls, “What I mean I say, and what I say I mean.” That’s fine and I think it is a good quality not to beat around the bush. But I think there is something to say about tact and kindness. You don’t always have to say what you are thinking you know? Sure, if someone is offended it is their fault, but if you think someone might get offended, then why should you say it unless it absolutely needs to be said?
I have mixed feelings on the subject. Anyway, yes, I apologize too much and I apologize for my mistakes as a mom. I guess as long as I apologize to the people that matter, it’s good.
And finally, to round out my long comment, my son cries very infrequently but when he does he cries FOREVER. Like, he wants me to know that he is still crying so he whimpers and it drives me nuts. I used to say, “Stop crying!” But then I started worrying that he would think it wasn’t ok to cry and I don’t ever want him to think that. Now, I tell him, “It’s ok to cry. Maybe you ought to go cry in your room.”
Jane Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Yes, it is really hard to say — I know this (staying at home, breastfeeding, sleep “training”, etc, etc, etc) is absolutely, 100%, positively the best thing for me and my family ever, without sounding like you think it would be better for others, too.
Love your last line! When my kids complain that they are sooo tired or their tummy hurts (usually when dishes need to be done) I say, why don’t you go lie down on your bed. Gets ‘em every time.
I did my research this time and read all of the links. I actually really liked her initial post on MomLogic but was let down by her apology that in my opinion she did not need. In that case I can’t help but wonder….who was the one that ended up being judged? It breaks my heart to read about how much hate there is out there. Doesn’t loving go both ways?
I am also a pathological apologizer. I have had to teach myself to not do it as much. Unless I need to, then I will.
I’m sorry for the long comment……
hee hee
Jane Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:12 pm
Yes, I thought her original post was quite good. And her colleague obviously (imho) wasn’t all traumatized or mad.
There’s a your woman at my church who apologises too quickly for any little thing, an it drives me bonkers. I don’t know that she has the best assessment of social situations at times, but your title made me immediately think of her. It’s hard for me to think of a conversation with her where I haven’t said or thought about saying “you don’t have to be sorry” about xyz.
I guess as parents we need to teach our children how and when to apologise, but also about changing ourselves to truly show a willingnes to avoid making that apology again, as there are times where I’m sorry will just be words when not backed up with action.
Jane Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:09 pm
I wonder if she notices she does this. I remember some sort of thing about how we answer the phone (in my intro sociology class?) — many people always apologize for interrupting when making a call, etc, and what that means (I can’t remember what it means, but I often preface phone calls this way if I’m going to be asking a favor — like asking someone to substitute for a church teacher or something — maybe I’m just setting the stage or buttering the person up?).
Kirsty Reply:
June 25th, 2009 at 2:06 am
I’m not sure that she realises it. She does have some slight developmental issues (pussy footing around, as I’m trying not to say anything nasty, and I’m not 100% sure what her issues are), and I think it might be related to that, at least in some social development way.
I love this blog article. I have gone too far the other way, I think. I was made to feel sorry for everything I did when little and now I am unapologetic when it comes to certain family relationships. Or I could just call it pride.
With my friends, it is a totally different story. Love you, Jane!!!!
Jane Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:11 pm
I like what Tara said above about apologizing that (when) people are hurt, letting them know you’re sorry they are hurt, but not apologizing for actions/decisions that we know are right for us. I hadn’t really thought of that — but it’s kind of like when Dick’s family couldn’t come in the temple when we were married. I was genuinely sorry they couldn’t see us sealed, but I wasn’t sorry that my religious beliefs made a temple marriage very important to me.
Love you, Courtney!!!!
In repsonse to Adrienne’s post:
I think it is a good quality not to beat around the bush. But I think there is something to say about tact and kindness. You don’t always have to say what you are thinking you know? Sure, if someone is offended it is their fault, but if you think someone might get offended, then why should you say it unless it absolutely needs to be said?
I am totally this girl…blunt to a fault. I find that I choose not to be tactful or kind when someone is acting self-righteous or judgmental towards other people. I don’t know where this behavior stemmed from but as I get older…I am trying to curb this urge to put people in their place with my bluntness or shocking words. It isn’t all an act…I am that open and mouthy but I can control my delivery.
Courtney,
I definitely think there is a time and a place for bluntness. It is annoying when someone seems to have no opinion because they are afraid to say what they think for fear that someone might be hurt or disagree with them.
In the Book of Mormon it says, “Use boldness, but not overbearance.” Sometimes it is appropriate to give your opinion or even reprimand. But if someone is saying something just because they think it, regardless of how someone will feel, I’m not sure that it is appropriate.
In your example of someone being judgemental or self-righteous, I totally think it is appropriate to speak up. And, I’m always grateful in those circumstances when someone is brave enough to say something, and sometimes I’m surprised when I have enough courage to do so.
Jane Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:16 pm
Awesome. I have nothing to add to this exchange between Courtney and Adrianne, except to say that I love it when people talk to each other in the comments. Love it.
I use “I’m sorry” a lot, but I really prefer the Spanish/Italian meaning of the phrase. Translated, it actually means “I feel it”. When someone I love is sad or hurt or troubled or struggling, I DO feel it. It has nothing to do with fault to feel someone else’s pain. Does it?
English is a strange language, and I am sorry for other people’s pain and suffering. Not quite the same as an apology even though the words are the same. You know?
Interesting interpretation of the post. I have to say I agree with you with the apology thing. I know of women in the workplace who also say “can you do me a favor?” when they’re really just asking something that’s part of your job. I think it’s hard for many people to decipher the difference between being polite and direct and overly apologetic.
However, I don’t think that the apology was anything short of sincere and heartfelt. If it was a bit much — which I could see why some might think that — it’s because it was written at a very raw, emotional and real time. While I am not one others see as meek or apologetic (far from it), I am sensitive to the feelings of others. And if someone feels hurt, regardless of the intention, I at least can find it in myself to take responsibility for that.
Jackie Morgan MacDougall
thesilverwhining.com