I’d like to apologize for feelings I hurt on the Bad Mother Manifesto thing. It is always my hope that we can discuss ideas without attacking people, though I do not always succeed at this, and for that I am truly sorry.
I hope this explains (metaphorically) why I feel so strongly about appropriating and using the word Good rather than adopting Bad in reaction to the “Good Mother” stereotype.
Ugly Girl
What about the media stereotype of Beauty? If my daughter comes home from school crying because she has been called ugly, do I tell her that we should change the meaning of the word “Ugly” to “Beautiful” and that she should call herself an Ugly Girl with pride?
Or do I teach her that the media stereotype of Beauty is not only wrong, it is stupid, unhealthy, damaging, anti-feminist, and a construct of our particular time and place and not an eternal truth?
(and that she IS Beautiful, by the way.)
Do I call her my Ugly Girl or my Beautiful Girl?
Which word do I want ringing in her head?
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I think that all of motherhood is so horribly loaded – and I was going to write “these days” but I suspect it always HAS been. I do think that when we are in a certain socio-economic group, it’s very easy to be removed from seeing a lot of really terrible parenting and so we use terms like “bad” or “good” in relation to parenting much more lightly. But really, REALLY, there are some terrible parents out there -my son – who is in grade one – came home really upset because one of his classmates was telling the boys in DETAIL about all of the many pornographic movies he’s seen and how to hot knife hash. That’s some awesome parenting in that household, right there.
And so when people say that they’re “bad” parents, THAT is what I think of. It doesn’t feel like a term that needs liberating to ME, and I work VERY, VERY hard to be a good mother.
Jane Reply:
June 11th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Loaded is a good word for it. We’re burdened, loaded down, we each bring different baggage, different histories to the table when we’re discussing not only the concepts, but the terms we’d like to use. When I read the back story of Tanis’s (Redneck Mommy) feelings on the Bad Mother term, it broke my heart. Well no wonder, I thought. I don’t know that I wouldn’t feel the same if I had gone through that.
This all boils down to social relativism which I’m not convinced is a good thing. A healthy society cannot be based on defining right/wrong, good/bad on a shifting set of standards that is temporarily defined by the person using them. Although I recognize the fact that our world is not black/white there are some things that still remain “wrong” (killing your neighbor, raping a girl, stealing). When we start saying that it is okay to steal if you are poor, or okay to kill if you feel threatened, well that becomes a slippery slope. Our legal and justice systems are in place to insure that we, as a society, don’t lose our balance.
However, there is no such structure in place when it comes to vague moralities. Am I a good mother? a good person? a pretty person? a nice person? a bad person? As a result inappropriate influences are given authority to define these things (media, hollywood, Parent’s magazine). It is when we, as women, allow these non-entities to take this authority from us that we run into trouble.
I feel passionately that our girls, the women of today, are in need of a new woman’s movement. A woman’s movement that is appalled by girls like Paris Hilton – who glorify ignorance, unrealistic weight, and wealth with no work. We need to take back the very definitions of succes, goodness and beauty that we all universally find appalling. Why do we so eagerly submit?
Jane Reply:
June 11th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Sometimes I wish we could just start over with the women’s movement. But then I am in awe of what the original suffragettes did (and who even knows about all the women in all the societies, whose stories were never recorded?)
Paris Hilton scares me, too.
I liked what I said to you earlier, so I’ll say it here:
Frankly, using “bad” for “good” and “good” for “bad,” aside from fulfilling Book of Mormon prophecy, only has a place in Dada literature. Why would we want to redefine “bad” when we could redefine “good”?
I’d rather redefine the world’s standard of “good” (which, by the way, since when do we really just swallow media stereotypes? Are all cops fat, stupid donut-addicts? etc.) than abdicate the term altogether. Unless, of course, I decided that I will now be called a “Better” mother
.
I did figure out that this was a sort of dialog between you and someone else so I looked it up…
My take on the whole thing is that it’s liberating (to me) to know that other mothers have done “bad” things as well, because I am deeply ensconced in (my mother’s ??) belief that mothering must be done perfectly and that there ARE definitive rights and wrongs.
For example, there is a bit of shame on my part if I forget to give them vitamins or if she “catches” me indulging in me-time while the kids run around in pjs at 1 pm. I GET that that isn’t a great thing, but it’s not abuse.
But overall, I question my abilities as much, if not more than, other mothers. I question my DESIRE to me a mother, because some days it wanes. But I was raised with the belief that the Good Mother always wants and wanted to be a mother and that She knows She has the skills to get the job done correctly.
Unfortunately I am a human with personal flaws, and being ever patient and selfless isn’t one of them, much less having confidence or resources.
It seems to me that all the Good, Bad, good, bad, alright, what have you boils down to semantics and… I’d say more, but I have to go take my me-time while I can!!
Jane Reply:
June 11th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
I agree that it is freeing to know that others struggle the same as I do and make mistakes similar to mine and have doubts, etc.
I think I was really lucky in my mom. Sometimes I pity her because she didn’t get to go to college, but I guess I should really be thanking God that she was wise enough to never give the impression that motherhood was easy or soemthing I would just glide through (or something that she always thought was all sweetness and light).
I’ve got a lot of confidence in my mothering, but I know it was different at earlier stages (my oldest is almost 9 now) — maybe I forget how hard it was in the beginning, and my lack of patience is one of my biggest flaws. (And selfless? that is a daily struggle.)
(BTW, it’s not my business, but pjs at 1 pm and forgotten vitamins? NOT cause for guilt.)
I love Beth and I love this point.
I didn’t think you were purposely hurtful toward HBM or anyone.
Jane Reply:
June 11th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Purposefully, I hope not (of course not!). But I was surprised by the baggage we all bring to the table, and how different mine is from others’. I should know better about that, I guess.
Wow, this is the best analogy ever! I don’t know how to quickly articulate my feelings without spending a love of time that I don’t have today. But I agree with you always. (mostly) And I am/want to be a good mother too.
I’m seeing this from a different perspective because my children are all raised. I’ve read all sides prior to commenting here. I personally find it very encouraging that you all are good enough mothers, and good enough women, to look into yourselves and debate the topic in the first place. I don’t believe when I was a young mother that I had that much introspection — is that a word?? I don’t think I thought about what makes a good mother or a bad mother. I just took one day at a time and did what “felt” right. I’m just very impressed at how hard you all try!
Jane Reply:
June 11th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I don’t know. I hope the reflection helps us in becoming better mothers, but I think I am sometimes tempted to think about motherhood rather than get up and play a board game (sometimes? tempted? Who am I kidding? I loathe Candyland
). Thinking and talking about it is much easier than doing it, so I wouldn’t regret the lack of introspection in your day!!
Perfect.
Honestly, if her peers insisted over and over that “beautiful” involved weight disorders, revealing or expensive clothing, heavy makeup, boys fawning on her, smoking, drinking, drugs, or feigned stupidity I would hope she could see herself as beautiful in her own right while embracing their idea of ugly. If she can not show them their definition of BEAUTIFUL is irrational, I hope she can accept her UGLINESS in their mind and move on with her life. (I feel the same way about my parenting.)
Jane Reply:
June 11th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Yeah, you’re right, but I can’t imagine trying to get a teenager (or a 9 yo, as she almost is now) to believe, deep in her heart, that being Ugly is good, as long as it is our new definition of Ugly, and I guess for me, I just don’t want the term “Bad Mother” to be what rings in my head as I go about my day.
what a strange question you pose. of course you call her beautiful. i had a neighbor that used the word ugly only to describe things that were mean or cruel. i like her definition. those are the only truly ugly things. so whoever is hurting your daughter or anyone with words or with whatever fits my friend’s definition of ugly.
I’ve been reading and following links and my take on this whole thing is to wonder why some people are free to express their opinions while others are vilified for doing so. Wow.
Jane Reply:
June 12th, 2009 at 11:21 am
What I need to remind myself of is that I want to discuss ideas, always ideas — and not to let myself deviate from that, even if I feel attacked.
I am happy to apologize for feelings hurt, as long as I can still articulate my own thoughts and feelings. (and hey, I can do that on my own blog. All day long. And so can everyone else!)
You don’t have anything to be sorry for! Jeesh. And I for one, would rather be beautiful and good. Whatever people say Jane, you’re right.
Jane Reply:
June 12th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Thanks, Sharla. One thing I’ve noticed with this (prob. should have noticed long before) is that it’s much easier to agree with people when you have loving feelings towards them. Once you have personal feelings of dislike or anger, it becomes much harder to see any validity in the logic behind others’ ideas. (Which is probably why we’re not supposed to contend in the first place, only bear witness).
I didn’t have the energy to read through all the comments so I hope I am not repeating what someone else has said.
I used to call myself a bad mother in a very self deprecating way, laughing while I said it. It drove my husband nuts, yet I continued. Sometime in the last few years I realized something. I have never really thought I was a bad mom, just felt a little guilty for not doing things the way I had once thought was the “right” way. Now when I hear moms say they are a “BAD” mom I think that it is very sad that instead of realizing the good we are doing in our childrens lives, we are focused on things we feel guilty about. Things that nobody cares about but ourselves. It’s time for moms to just be happy with what choices they make. Let’s face it, we will all let things go now and then, and maybe not do the job “right” all the time.
Thanks for daring to refute some other ideas that we should just embrace being “bad” and wanting women to realize we are good. I have been hoping for this type of attitude to prevail for a while now!!
Jane Reply:
June 12th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Thanks for sharing your experience, Erin. I think the words we use are powerful, and it can’t hurt to have positive words be the ones we embrace! It sounds so “daily affirmation” -ish, but there are powerful studies to suggest that daily affirmations work.