Last Sunday I stayed home from church with a pink-eyed and minor-ear-infectioned Susan. It was no hardship to abstain from my least-favorite service of the year, though Dick reported that our congregation’s appointed Mother-praisers did an above-average job. (I know I should say I missed hearing the kids sing Mother Dear I love You So, and if I had heard them I would have cried, but the truth is I didn’t miss it.)
Brother W. called me after church to ask me to speak next week. He first asked how my Mother’s Day was going, and I said, “Fine. About as well as can be expected.” And he said, “Oh of course, you’ve got some sick kids at home. How are they feeling?”
Now here’s where I would normally enlighten this poor, clueless male as to the complexity of my disdain for the Mother’s Day holiday, which starts with things as petty as a husband who is so righteously helpful to unload the dishwasher for once but ignores the stacks of pots in the sink and the clothes on the floor, and ends with the nagging feeling that, short of undergoing a personality transplant, I’ll never be exactly the sort of mother I want to be to my kids.
And in the middle is this great example of why Mother’s Day never quite works: My good friend Chrysanthemum had a rare date night planned with her husband the Saturday before Mother’s Day. She had arranged for a babysitter, and the date was simple: ice cream and a walk SANS KIDS. Then her husband was called to go help with the strawberry-chocolate dipping for the mothers’ gifts at church the next day. So instead of a date night with her husband SANS KIDS, she got to stay home and put the kids to bed by herself (a chore her husband normally does himself to give his wife her one break from the kids all day).
Now of course, the one redeeming part of that story is that Chrysanthemum is blessed to have a husband so faithful to the Lord that he would give up his Saturday night to do the service that the church asked of him, a service that was well-intentioned by all involved to show appreciation for mothers.
Still. You see why Mother’s Day is a bit fraught.
But, Gentle Reader, fear not. Before I opened my stupid mouth and explained all that, I remembered that Brother W. and his lovely, lovely wife adopted their first baby several months ago after years of waiting for a child, and I bet you –
I bet you all-the-potty-training-progress-that-Spot-has-made –
that she doesn’t hate Mother’s Day.
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what kind of a good husband would give up a date with his wife to do a silly church service that could easily have been performed by the young men, or the young women??? and whatever happened to simple carnations that take no prep other than purchase??? time for your ward to simplify things…
i enjoy mother’s day. i make it a point to do absolutely nothing other than nap and lounge. it’s great. luckily my husband was home, not working, so I could go forward with my plan. he took care of the cooking, cleaning, entertaining kids. i just talked on the phone, and slept…
Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
I dunno . . . maybe the kind of husband who would leave his wife and 6 kids to serve a mission in England?
Sylwia Lipinska Hardman Reply:
May 14th, 2009 at 3:20 am
no, no, no,
everyone needs the gospel, but no one needs chocolate dipped strawberries, carnations could easily do…i’m still enjoying looking at my carnation today…
Jane Reply:
May 14th, 2009 at 10:56 am
True — the gospel is more important than strawberries, but my point is that sometimes (MANY times) we’re asked to do things at church that don’t make sense, or could be accomplished more efficiently, or are just plain dumb.
BUT, if we have sustained our leaders, and then our leaders ask us to do something, and there’s no time now to make other (better) arrangements, isn’t it honorably to help out as we’re able?
Mother’s Day is not my favorite either, for pretty much the same reasons. However, I have always loved that my husband gets up with the kids and makes breakfast while they make cards. This year I got home from having a baby the day before and apparently being sleep deprived with a newborn made everyone forget. Jared was his usual nice self and took the kids so I could take a nap and I came down at 5pm to him setting up book shelves and a belated “everyone tell mom Happy Mother’s Day.” Since he was putting bookshelves together, dinner didn’t get done until all the kids had lost it. So at 7 when they are normally going to bed we sat down to eat a frozen dinner with Jared yelling at the kids for freaking out when it was all because he chose to put the stupid book shelves together (his romantic mother’s day gift) instead of get the kids dinner and to bed. By far my worse Mother’s Day. Needless to say, by the end of the night, I really missed having the regular surprise breakfast.
Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
I’m not sorry I’ve never gotten the breakfast in bed (would be too worried about crumby sheets), and I’m even more sorry to tell you that I laughed about the bookshelves. So FREAKING classic.
I hope you’re able to fill them with lots of fun books and laugh about it all too, someday. (And congrats on the baby!!!)
Jared Reply:
May 13th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
The bookshelves had been sitting in the living room for weeks! I really thought she’d appreciate it! I may be an idiot, but I am not uncaring.
Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
I’m sure she did. (or will, eventually.) It’s so frustrating when our gift-giving intentions don’t work out perfectly — like the time I sent chocolates to Nana in Florida and they melted all over the rest of the special package. And the next time, when I sent her a See’s gift card (there are no See’s stores in Florida).
Once, when our first baby was just a couple days old, Dick swept the kitchen floor, and I started crying, because it was seemed incredibly sweet that he would sweep the kitchen floor for me. I wish I could regain that feeling of immense gratitude for the smallest of gestures. Unfortunately, my expectations have risen (or my hormones have stabilized, either one).
Brittney Reply:
May 14th, 2009 at 9:38 am
I do appreciate not having to step over boxes of bookshelves to get out of the bathroom. All I’m saying is couldn’t that have been done AFTER the kids were fed and in bed?
I actually am not a big fan of breakfast in bed either. It just feels so lonely to get my breakfast and have everyone leave to eat theirs somewhere else. The best is coming down to a set table.
There is a sort of internal battle happening inside me each Mother’s Day…
On one hand, I feel like it’s a day to do what I want, which might be to sleep late, watch a grown-up’s movie in peace, or go out to the bookstore with people I don’t have to beg to stop touching all the candy in the checkout aisle. I also know I should give my mom flowers and tell her how much I appreciate her.
But my kids’ dad has this strong belief that Mother’s Day is a day for mom to go to the park with the kids (in the heat), which will invariably involve packing things, multiple public restroom visits (yuck!), and so on.
I think the disconnect between what I visualize as Mother’s Day and what he visualizes stems from the difference in our experiences- I have taken the kids to the park a great deal as part of the SAHP thing , he gets to do that primarily during special times.
This year, however, things were different. I’ve been working days, M-F, at the college and the kids have been in school. So I really DID want to hang out with them. Except, when their dad dropped them off with me on Sat night, I was suffering from a case of ciguatera poisoning and pretty much was only able to lay around and let the kids go nuts with scissors and magazines.
Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
Ciguatera poisoning? Had to look that up. I hope you’re okay now!
And yes, it’s interesting. Dick will suggest the park or even errands w/ the kids, and it’s like the LAST thing I want to do after a busy day of . . . the park and errands. Everything’s perspective.
I am torn with Mother’s Day celebrations. I have been blessed with a great husband and children who help out all the time. My kids are big now, so I guess I raised them well…but I’m still uncomfortable with being waited on, and the church recognition when there are many single women and childless married women; as well as women like my SIL who lost a child and this day is a painful reminder of that.
Chocolates were provided to all women 18 and over. My daughter (20) was too slow leaving the chapel and the chocolates were gone. She wanted to tackle the lady sitting next to her in RS as she had three boxes in her lap!! I was happy to cut up my treats to share.
I have to laugh at the memory of me sitting on my deck, book in one hand and a DC in the other enjoying the sun while my family bustles around the kitchen preparing the Sunday meal. I could have prepared it myself much faster and wouldn’t have had to listen to so many questions it was hard to read!! Mom, how much barbecue sauce should I put on the chicken? Mom, how many potatoes should I fix. Mom, I can’t find the rolls…
I love being a mom, but am glad Mother’s Day is just once a year!!
Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
Your last line perfectly captured how I feel. (And yes, thinking of those who would like to be mothers on that day — that makes me wonder WHAT is the plan here, sometimes.)
I solved this problem by not going to church Sunday morning – When going to church entails me waking my husband up 4 times before he gets out of bed and dressing three people while urging (nagging) my husband to hurry up and get in the shower — well, that didn’t seem like a fun thing to do on mother’s day. I’m beginning to hate this holiday for all the aforementioned reasons. Hallmark should go to H**L
Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Moosh in Indy has been talking about how she’d like to marry Hallmark and have their babies, and all I can think (besides barfing at the not-subtle corporate sponsorship) is that, uh, I’d rather kill myself.
Jane, I absolutely understand why you hate Mother’s Day. I hate it too, and I say that fully recognizing the danger of this admission given that I’m a man. Mother’s can safely hate a holiday dedicated to them because, after all, it’s their holiday. Men who hate Mother’s Day, however, run the risk of looking self-centered. But I’m not. Well, I am, but not about Mother’s Day. Anyway, hear me out.
I hate Mother’s Day for two reasons:
1. The irony of how we celebrate this holiday really annoys me. It seems that on Mother’s Day the thing many mothers want is an escape from motherhood. As a friend of mine said on Saturday night when one of her children climbed out of bed, “I’m not putting you back in bed because as far as I’m concerned, Mother’s Day has started.”
Now, I know putting kids in bed isn’t exclusively a mom thing, and yes, the dad could just as easily take care of this, and yes, fathers should certainly give their wives a break as often as possible, but the thing that gets me here is my friend’s rationale for not wanting to put her kid back in bed. “Mother’s Day has begun,” she basically said, “so, child, I’m done with you for a while.” Is the best way to celebrate motherhood really by giving young mothers escape from their children?
2. I hate Mother’s Day because no matter how hard I try to show appreciation to my wife for all she does and my own mother for all she’s done and still does, I constantly come up short. For example, on Mother’s Day, my wife didn’t set foot in the kitchen. I cooked. I cleaned. I changed diapers. I kept children entertained and quiet while my wife napped. I offered carefully chosen gifts. And yet, all of these small tokens seemed pathetic given the fact that while I’m at work for 45 hours a week THIS WOMAN IS RAISING OUR CHILDREN. A good Mother’s Day gift would capture my thanks for this, and a good gift would show just how much I love this woman, and none of the typical Mother’s Day gifts (or even the atypical gifts) ever do. No Mother’s Day display, however extravagent, offers the right amount of thanks. So as a man, I feel destined every May to fail in my pathetic attempts to show the right amount of appreciation. Whatever I offer will be insignificant.
So I hate Mother’s Day. And, incidentally, I hate Father’s Day for the exact same reasons.
Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
Josh,
Thanks for sharing this. I think Dick feels very similarly to you, and I think you’re absolutely right — how ironic that a day of celebration of motherhood brings to light the fact that we (I, as a mother) want nothing more than a break from what (who) makes us mothers.
I am with you 100%, except I think Father’s Day is fun — maybe esp. bec. I have all girls, and Dick is just so cute with them? I don’t know.
Thank you for sharing. I thought something was wrong with me because I hated Mother’s Day, too. I feel like the sentiment should be sincere. It feels so forced when my husband has to buy me a “card or something”. I cherish more the things my kids sincerely think about and give me.
Renae Reply:
May 13th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Wow! I tried all week to write about Mother’s Day and could not because what I wanted to talk about why so many women hate it. I have to admit that when my children were home and the second Sunday of May rolled around, I knew my expectations would NOT be met, and Mother Martyr raised her ugly head. I can’t remember when I changed my attitude about MD, but I think it started with a lowering of expectations – not in a “I’ll just be disappointed, so why not live with it” kind of way, but in a “I am married to an imperfect but adorable man who does a lot 300 or so days of the year, so why am I going to be a grouch because he ran to Walmart at midnight to pick up the last of the flowers.” He made the effort for heaven’s sake, and he was absolutely thrilled and a little surprised that I was happy with the orange carnations.
Last Sunday, I turned to the president of our “Church Ladies” while we were putting the finishing touches on the fruit slush, pasta salad, and breadsticks that we served to the “Ladies” towards the end of our church meetings.
“Do you like Mother’s Day,” I asked.
“Yes!” she answered. “It’s another excuse for a party!” And we had a great one that day. So sorry you missed it, Jane!
Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
Brindi — I remember my mom disliking Mother’s Day too, so we’re definitely in good company.
Renae — I’m so glad our church lady leader enjoys MD — I couldn’t help thinking about her and all the extra work she (and you) did. And I WAS sorry to miss the delicious food!!!!!
just for the record, that Josh who wrote about mother’s day is NOT my husband. My husband’s name is also Josh, but he loves celebrate me, and no, he does not work 45 hours per week. he works at least 90 hours per week and he still does all of the diapers, putting kids to bed, taking kids to the park, cleaning, scriptures, ect. and not just on mother’s day but everyday, even if he missed a night of sleep or two. and he never feels under appreciated. he loves that i adore him, dote on him, and compliment him all day.
this other Josh really needs to take some lessons from my husband…
Jared Reply:
May 13th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
I thought Josh expressed pretty well that he loves his wife so much that it is difficult to express it fully. I’m not sure what comment you were reading.
Is your Josh also a big fan of sanctimony?
Jane Reply:
May 13th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Sylwia — the Josh who wrote so insightfully about Mother’s Day is a good friend Dick and I have known for eight years now. He’s just about the best husband and father that I think I know. I’ve written whole posts about this very thing in the past.
I think it is a sign of the omniscience of our Heavenly Father that so many of us, like you and your Josh and my friend Josh and his Suzy, and me and my Dick — so many of us are so well-matched by our partners in marriage. Our children are blessed to have such complementary mother-father teams.
Sylwia Lipinska Hardman Reply:
May 14th, 2009 at 3:16 am
I guess i just don’t understand why you people are so unhappy to celebrate mother’s day. if all a mother wants for mother’s day is to be left alone, because she is never alone, so be it! that’s the best you can do for her!
for father’s day and for my husband’s birthday, all he wants is to sleep in. because he is a resident (doctor) he hardly ever sleeps. so that’s all he wants, so I am happy to let him sleep in. he feels grateful and I feel like i’m doing something he really longs for on his special days.
why would anyone resent a day of rest on mother’s day for a woman who is bombarded with other people’s needs 24/7 . being alone and not responsible for everyone’s welfare is probably the main thing a woman with small children needs. why not happily oblige her on mother’s day and feel like you’ve done a wonderful thing? why whine and gripe about it? that’s what I don’t understand.
Jane Reply:
May 14th, 2009 at 11:00 am
This is a good point — maybe the problem is that Mother’s Day is always on a Sunday, so if a woman wants to worship that day, she has to sit through messages all about motherhood — perhaps on the very day that she would like to escape it. Maybe we should change Mother’s Day to Saturday, and let all women have a real break.
Interestingly (to me), the other point of my post — that some women, women who are recently mothers after years of waiting probably do NOT hate Mother’s Day — that point didn’t resonate much. (Maybe it was just too obvious of a point?)
Josh Reply:
May 14th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Sylvia,
Your husband sounds like a great guy. You can be glad you’re not married to me.
I assure you the feeling is mutual.
Josh (the one who needs lessons – not the one who could give them)
I have no latitude of movement on this. Being a husband and father disqualifies me from having an opinion.
I hate the idea of these Hallmark holidays to make us feel guilty for not consuming.
I dared share that I was never allowed to call home as a missionary as the first Mother’s Day approached. The reaction I got let me know not to think out loud any more on that subject. (I am a slow learner. One would think I could have extrapolated the reaction based on 20 previous Mother’s Days.)
I actually got to discuss the idea of playing down the Mother’s Day thing when I was in the Bishopric, but the Bishop was smart enough to ignore my counsel.
Yeah it’s a fake holiday, until everybody believes it.
I know my mother always disliked church on Mother’s Day. She said that the talks alternated between husbands bashing themselves in a twisted attempt at building their wives up, and talks by other women about their sainted mothers who never raised their voices, were the best cooks in the world, always had a spotless house, always had time for them, were always sweet and kind and loving and bla bla bla.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my church and my faith. But there’s enough guilt to go around without holding special holiday services to distribute more to women who are doing the best they can with an extremely difficult work.
I think your point about new mother’s not hating Mother’s Day didn’t resonate as much with your group so far because most of us don’t fall in that category. But it is true, especially for those that have wanted to be for so long.
Funny thing for me, every other year I would have been with you 100% on this. But this year something was different with me. I honestly went to bed the night before with no expectations. I don’t know why really, just too busy to think about it I guess.
When I woke up (late, unfortunately) I could smell breakfast and hear the babies in their room. So I gladly (weird for me right there) went in the babies room and got them dressed for church. We got to church late but instead of freaking out as I usually do I just chilled out and went with the flow and actual enjoyed being with my whole family in the morning. (9:00 is killer)
Church was good, I snuggled and kissed my babies more than listening, but it was good. (they gave nice and easy music CD’s)
After church I took a nap while my boys went in the backyard to fire up the grill. We ate dinner together, and then Eldon got out a present for me. (this is, I kid you not, the very first time he has ever surprised me with a Mother’s day gift) He had picked it out and ordered it and then picked it up and I never knew. He said the sweetest things to me, things dream are made of. (I know that sounds cheesy but it’s true) We were both in tears and hugged for about 20 minutes, and left with love strengthened and renewed.
So this year, for me, Mother’s Day was pretty darn amazing. For one day I just enjoyed being a wife and a mother. Monday morning though….
P.S. I shouldn’t say this but I would have been totally P*ss*d off if Eldon broke a date we had planned to go dip whatever, church or not. But that right there is why he’ll never be an apostle.
I’ve been reading all these posts lately about women who hate Mother’s Day (mainly thru FMH). I just had no idea. It’s not like I”m offended one way or another, I just didn’t realize so many gals out there hate it.
Yes I think it is silly that all of the sudden the kids are heroes for picking up their own socks one whole time. Wow!! I’m so impressed. But DH has always tried to do something interesting for me and I’ve figured out that that is the way he shows love and the way he likes to show it I can’t expect the dishes to just be done and I can’t resent that he doesn’t do them all every other day (although I probably will).
I did the dishes on Mother’s Day. But Jeff took me and the kids out golfing all day, out to lunch, spent extra time etc. Sure he came home to watch basketball later. What can I really expect when it is playoff season?
We didn’t go to church and I probably didn’t last year either. Maybe I would have been bothered more. But even the over-praise of “my mom is the most amazing person in the world” over the pulpit doesn’t bother me much. It is that person’s chance to highlight their mom and if that’s the way they want to, so be it. In our ward though, Mother’s Day is Pie Day in RS. They bring in Marie Callendar’s and while the men take over primary, all the women chow down. I think it is a nice touch.
what’s with all the guilt on mother’s day??? i really don’t get it. i’m not the best mother, and i don’t feel guilty when i hear about unraised voices and spotless houses. i yell all the time and i have a dirty house. i choose to spend my time on other things. so what? i don’t feel a bit guilty about not cleaning all that often.
i enjoy the speakers on mother’s day at church. sometimes i get ideas on how to be a better mother. this life is a journey, a process of learning. why should i feel guilty because i still have things to learn? well, i don’t. i actually enjoy learning from other mothers.
who invented this mother’s day guilt anyway? And why do so many women latch on to it? huh?
I know I’m late on this but check out the crazy story that was told in our ward on Mother’s Day. Maybe you can see the point he was trying to get across.
http://thefascinatinggirl.blogspot.com/2009/05/i-heard-crazy-story-then-i-went-crazy.html
I don’t feel any mother guilt – because I have lots of fantastic examples of strong and competent mothers around me and I also know they’re imperfect.
Mother’s day was just as frustrating to me as any other Sunday. The one wonderful thing that happened was that my husband took the kids for about two hours so I could take a nap. That was the extent. I didn’t even get any midnight-run flowers or chocolates.
You know, I think it’s terrible that people think they need an excuse to praise mothers. But I’m a terrible scrooge at Christmas too.
Sylwia – we all know by now that your husband (my dear little brother) is perfect. But we are not all so lucky. My own dear husband tries and fails in many ways, but he does try. And that’s what counts.