Interesting the comment about talking too much about yourself. I would never have associated that kind of thing with you.

I do know that Tom and I have a few friends (couples) who, after we visit them, we always turn to each other and say how we feel like such jerks for talking about ourselves the whole time. These friends are excellent about asking questions and seeming genuinely interested in everything we have to say. They are seriously the kind of people you want to spend more time around. And they always encourage me (w/ no overt mention) to ask more questions of others.

(And to answer your question, I certainly want to help my own kids avoid as much of this sort of pain as possible, even if it just means helping them to see the humanity of the other person.)

Turns out that it was a sore spot for me, and any comments would have seemed mean. He was merely making an observation, probably thinking he was doing me a favor. Almost 20 years later and that comment is still affecting how I make friendships. Maybe he really did do me a favor.

I did have some bullies that were actually mean. And one guy who sexually harassed me. I feel sorry for them mostly. And when I don’t, I turn to my husband who was harassed much more than I and thank the heavens that I have such an understanding man in my life. One who will help me teach our children to treat each other with respect.

Yeah, we can grow strong from these hardships, but how much of it is really necessary? Can’t we at least try to avoid some of the pain?

So, I realized after I used that quote from Dick about the number of comments that I don’t want to gauge the worth of my writing based on that (and even more, don’t want to seem like I’m soliciting comments), but of course the feedback of comments is a big indicator of something.

I was trying to tell Dick that the women all got my point because of our common experiences with either or both garden variety and sexual harassment-type bullying. I told him he didn’t get it because he was male, not because of ANY fault in my writing . That’s when he made the comment comment (but only because I had lamented it early; he’s not actively cruel).

So.

I love that you are excited to see your son grow up to be like his father. If all mothers could be confident in that vision of the future, I think our families would be a lot healthier and happier.

And crazy true that we owe those who pushed us to doing better so unintentionally.

Oh, and what I want most, if I can’t protect my daughters from predators of all kinds, is to instill in them such strength that they’ll never think, no matter what, that they “deserve it” or aren’t worth better or are stuck or have no where to go.

Craig Schmidt was my “Rory” and he teased me for having dark hair on my arms and calling me stupid. The label of stupid stuck with my psyche and is what propelled me to excel at school even though it was hard for me. In some regards I need to thank Craig – without his prodding I might never have gotten my grad degree.

I have a boy. I’m raising a boy. Right now he is sweet, precious, small, vulnerable and I worry about other boys pushing him around. Ironically, I don’t worry about how he will treat girls because he will look to his father as an example and my husband is sweet, tender, respectful and tender. I worry more about him being too risky with his life – making “boy” decisions that endanger his life. I worry about him experimenting in life – trying dangerous things because his friends are doing it.

I worry about my daughter too but more out of fear that her own naivete will lead her into dangerous situations versus consciously choosing to put herself in those situations (like my son). I’ve had enough of my own dangerous bad things happen to me that I want my daughter to be strong enough to survive. I can’t protect forever. I can’t even prevent, but I can prepare. I want to prepare her emotionally, spiritually and physically to be able to weather the storm of bad/disappointing/hurtful things.

(and Chantal O. mentioned on Facebook that she suffered the paranoia over spyglasses too.)

I felt much less positively towards Rory before I read the Reviving Ophelia book — halfway through reading it I had this epiphany that he wasn’t so bad after all.

(Ever since watching that movie He’s Just Not That Into You, I have been much more hesitant to interpret teasing as “he likes you, he just doesn’t know how to show it.” Because if it’s in a movie, it has to be the truth, right?

And the best thing is that you’ve turned into such a wonderful, strong mother, despite the type of serious bullying that often terribly damages our young women. And I agree with you that girls can be so much better at hurting us inside.

There was another boy at my high school, who lived in a different town, so I didn’t see him at church or anywhere outside of school. He was physically threatening to me. (He was tall, on the bball team, and I was small compared; he threw me in the snow, etc). My parents wanted to talk to the school, get a restraining order, etc, but I was too embarrassed. Luckily he lost interest after awhile, and it never accelerated.

I’m sorry it did in your case. One thing I felt on reading the Reviving Ophelia book was that I felt that same commitment to do everything in my power to see that my girls are neither the victims or perpetrators of bullying, even if that means switching schools or homeschooling or whatever. I want my kids to know that they are most important, and that our home/family life is the structure we revolve around — not the school institution.

There are things I allow my boys to do because they are boys, but every single time I hear them say something to hurt feelings deliberately I teach to it. I am determined that they will never do to some girl what was done to me and if I were ever to find out that they are doing so God help them. I cannot abide by mean spirited teasing. It is my job to do everything in my power to make sure that they grow up to be strong, well developed, responsible, merciful, caring young men and I take that totally to heart.

High school girls on the other hand have the ability to be much more hateful in my book. Girls hit harder emotionally and their words strike further to the heart in my opinion than boys ever dream of.
Steff

Funny! But, I’d never to that (write the doomed version) to anyone’s mother, and especially not on Mother’s Day! (Well, unless I REALLY didn’t like them