Ode to my man . . .
Who doesn’t see my stretch marks (or ignores them).
Who doesn’t see my apron of spare tummy flesh that jiggles over my pants (or ignores it).
Whose eyes gleam quite flatteringly at the sight of my flabby white chest.
Who forgives my laziness, my yelling, my unreasonable, irrational, and variable discontent.
Who lets me be me, and loves me anyway.
If you don’t read Dick’s blog, you probably missed his post in response to the Penelope Trunk post* I tweeted/Facebooked about. Brock left a comment on this blog saying he feels like he gets the motherhood angst that his wife (one of my best friends from high school) feels. I think I understand what he’s saying, and of course Melinda’s motherhood angst is different from mine. Melinda, after all, worked for a special government agency doing special things before her children were born. And Melinda, more importantly, is a better all-around person than I am.
But for me, one of the regrets I sometimes I have about motherhood is the not-knowing what I could have done otherwise. Motherhood, for me, is a commitment to my children that excludes some other endeavors, at this time, at this point, in this place. I cannot be the kind of mother I want to be and also explore other things I would like to do, and since I became a mother at 23, and since I wanted to become a mother before that, it is something of a way of life. It is, for better or worse, who I have become.
And I don’t know how any person who does not plan this sort of way of being a parent could possibly understand what it is like to look back, occasionally, and wonder, what if?
When I had Sally, I went back to work for eighteen months, and Dick stayed home during the day and did his master’s degree in the afternoon and evening. This worked out tremendously well for us, but I wish that I had learned from how Dick went about being a stay-at-home father. He didn’t have the same commitment to stay-at-home parenting that I do now. He didn’t spend any energy on forging an identity for himself as a stay-at-home parent. He read and wrote and graded during the day. He took good care of our daughter, and talked with other parents at the park, but he was never emotionally invested in creating a place for himself in the world in that role. It was just something he did.
I think for me to survive and thrive as a mother, as a stay-at-home parent, which is how I have chosen to go about being a mother, I have to create an identity for myself. I have to be able to glorify, on the one hand, the great parts of my job, and I have to be able to grouse, on the other hand, about the terrible potty-training parts. Because if I didn’t think being a mother, as being a stay-at-home parent, was the most important thing I could be doing right now, I would not do it. And if I did not have an outlet for the un-happy parts of parenting, I would stick a fork in the artery that beats between my collar bone and my neck.
What I loved about Penelope Trunk’s article was that she said that being a stay-at-home parent is a choice. No matter how “poor” you are, you can be a stay-at-home parent if you want to. And she said that people do what they really want to do. So, I am doing what I really want to do, even if some days it doesn’t seem like it. Which is the other thing I liked about her article — what I have been describing as ambivalence for years, she calls “competing feelings.”
It’s okay to have competing feelings about something. Ambivalence makes it sound like I don’t care enough about either thing to be able to choose between them, or that I don’t either love OR hate stay-at-home motherhood enough to be able to lay it to rest already. But the truth is I care too much. I am passionately, intensely wed to the role I play in my children’s lives, and I am also desperately eager to do something else, something in addition.
Dick’s post (you should go read it) is about how we view our own roles and each others’ in limited ways. We’re quite traditional around here. I did not expect this domesticity and child-rearing when I was younger, but as soon as I met Dick, I started thinking about having a baby. I know that it is what I’m meant to do, what I’m meant to be, right now, but I can’t imagine doing it with anyone else.
Ode to my man . . .
Who, though he understands me better than any other person on earth, would never try to tell me he does.
Jane
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*Penolope Trunk does go a bit bat-poop crazy in her post. I’m not advocating all of her methods, I just adore how she talks about motherhood, and the one reference to you-know-what? BRILLIANT.
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I’ve been some version of an at-home mom for much of the last 11+ years. I was a SAHM for the first 4 years of parenthood (except for a few college classes here and there and some PT waitressing); a working-outside-of-the-home mom for about two years, and then a working-at-home (mostly) mom for the last 5. Like you, I became a mom young (20) and also wonder “what I might have done” if I hadn’t. But the positive side is that I didn’t feel like I gave anything up to be a mom, because I wasn’t doing much of anything back then anyway!
Anyway, being a mom is still my #1 priority. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be cobbling together a career for myself out of the scraps of time I can find during naps for the littles and in between picking up and dropping off the older boys. I’d have a much more glamorous job doing something really cool somewhere really interesting (how’s THAT for specific). I’m not suggesting that moms with cool jobs in interesting fields are also not dedicated to their kids; just that this is how I’ve arranged my life for the purpose of being available to (if not always totally engaged with) my children most of the time.
Now, all that said…here’s what always bothers me about these discussions and the way they tend to fall apart. To me, motherhood is not so much a career as a relationship. It’s a lot of WORK, yes. That would be true whether I was working outside the home or not. Motherhood = work. When you’re home all day and filling that traditional homemaker role…to me, THAT is a job. But being my kids’ mother is not a job. And I think it’s an important distinction to make, because I don’t like the idea of “professionalizing” my role as a mom any more than I’d like to be a professional sister or wife or friend. I think the BEING here, being available for my kids, is very very important. But it’s not the only thing I do and it doesn’t define me as a person. I think looking at SAH-motherhood as a career puts a little too much pressure on us, frankly.
On the other hand, I write for a living and yet I don’t give any more weight to my role of “writer” than I do my role of “mother” or “wife”. So maybe what I’m reacting to is the idea of defining ourselves at all based on any one role we play. Because if I’m capital-letter-anything, whether it’s Writer or Mother or Homemaker or Wife, I feel limited and kind of stressed out because I better be a DAMN GOOD Writer/Mother/Homemaker/Wife or else do I even count?
Hopefully this is making some sense. As per usual, I’ve got a lot of distractions over here.
Jane Reply:
April 21st, 2009 at 7:42 am
I like the distinction you make between relationship and job. Though I am tempted to call being a SAHM a job because it is hard work, and for me, calling it a job doesn’t mean I have to be the best, but that I can love and hate aspects of it, just like any job. It’s also a holy calling, probably, but for me that is a way of seeing it that is fraught with more unreachable (for me) expectations.
Seeing it more as a relationship also reminds me of Jennifer from Conversion Diary who says “it’s not what you do, it’s whom you serve.” I think about that a lot. In our culture, we canonize those who dedicate their lives in service, but usually after they’re dead, and if they’ve managed to serve thousands. Service on a smaller scale is much less glamorous and almost menial. But I think it’s another good way to look at motherhood.
Jane,
I loved this one! And I can tell you that I, too was a government something with responsibilities other than motherhood before Small Boy was even a thought, and I still look back and think “What if?” What if I had waited to get married? What if I had waited a little longer to have kids? What if I had traveled more first? But at the end of the day, I am glad that I am the one who is home with my children to see them do all the things they do.
Dear Husband always asks why I can’t get the kids to do stuff (e.g. clean their rooms) like he can. I tell him it is because he is Special. I tell them what to do all the time, day in and day out. When Daddy says it, it is new and brilliant. But on the days he is home (not working from home; as a plumber, that is a little difficult
), we work on Daddy’s schedule. Mommy’s work seems less important – but then when nothing gets done, he notices. We have the same tug-of-war that you and Dick do.
So I guess I’m trying to say that many of us have the same feelings you do and are glad you can put into words, more eloquently than I, how you feel. Because it makes me feel more validated in my own feelings of “What if” and wanting to tear my ears off if I hear “Moooooommmmmm” one more time. And conversely, I feel better about rejoicing in the little things, like Baby Girl (almost 2) telling me “I yuv oo, too!” and Wee Daughter cleaning aforementioned room without complaint.
Thank you, Jane.
Jane Reply:
April 21st, 2009 at 7:46 am
Thank you, Angie.
I think I’d be a bit more upset if my kids obeyed their father so much better than me — but Dick is definitely not the enforcer around here. He is the new and exciting one, though. Which, as long as he will take them away to be new and exciting (even if it’s just to another part of the house), I am all for!
Jane, I commented over at Dick’s blog first.
Not that this is a competition or anything…!
I did like the gist of Penelope Trunk’s post about parenting; the methods she used to make her point gave me pause.
Even though I had kids later – 27 – I still never officially pursued a Career before kids because we moved around with the Navy so much before Knute joined Corporate life. I sometimes wonder “what if” too, but I’ll save my perspective for a post. I have one on this topic in my Draft folder waiting for a rainy/writer’s block day.
I like Meagan’s response as well. Very well put.
Take care. Oh, and I want to see your stick figure cartoon replies to Dick’s in your next post.
Jane Reply:
April 21st, 2009 at 7:50 am
WHAT? You traitor! ;P
I know that most people’s careers are not that exciting. I have only to watch The Office to know that I’d rather be home than risk being trapped somewhere like that. With you and Knute moving around, etc — that just shows that you guys are a team. If Dick were to ever leave me, for e.g., one of the things that I would be maddest about would be that he would be dissolving our team, our partnership. i.e. I wouldn’t want this life without him, and I’d be so mad if he betrayed me in that way.
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The sad thing is, if I wanted to make cartoon’s like Dick’s, I’d totally have to beg him to help me. He’s a great tech support!
I completely relate to what you are telling in your article. I had my first baby at 20. It was planned and I was thrilled. I met my hubby and like you knew, that is what I should be doing. The what if’s do come into play and the need for “in addition” comes and goes a lot. But I wouldn’t trade the treasured moments that I have with my young children for those what-ifs or when I have ‘one of those days’. You know the ones. And this is where I too agree with Meagan.
What I chose was a relationship versus a profession on any level even mother, wife, etc. The relationship between myself and my Maker. Ultimately it boils down, no matter what the path is, Am I doing my best? Am I satisfied with me? Is it worth it?
Jane Reply:
April 21st, 2009 at 7:54 am
Good points — also remind me of Conversion Diary “it’s not what you do, it’s whom you serve.” (and the other stuff I said in my reply to Meagan).
I had my kids later(32, 33, and almost 38) I had sortof a career before they were born. I had never found anything I enjoyed to the exclusion of all others and kept looking…a frustrating state to be in at 30 and so when I found myself pregnant all I could do was pray we could afford for me to stay home and be the one to raise my babe…
well I dont know that we really could afford it but we did it anyway.
Three kids later and many are the days that I pray we can afford for me to go back to some kind of work…..LOLOL
I love my kids dearly and I ove the cute and I generally enjoy the crafts and the books and the movies with them…to be totally honest what I dont enjoyis the cleaning and the hollering for them to clean and do what they are told for the 67th time.
Steff
Jane Reply:
April 21st, 2009 at 7:57 am
Thanks for sharing, Steff. I enjoy the mother stuff, too, until I don’t, and when I don’t is whenever I have something of my own that I’m trying to finish — a book or post or something, and I don’t want to give up everything that is “for me.” But I wish I didn’t resent their intrusions so much when I am doing my own thing. I don’t really know how to reconcile that.
Steffj89 Reply:
April 21st, 2009 at 8:20 am
oh…dont get me wrong ITA with this…I am actually working really hard on having my me time while they are at school and after they go to bed.
It doesnt always work, but I am realllly trying.
I am finding that this is cutting down on the screaming matches over picking up their toys as well.
We had played saturday and after dinner, they went in the playroom and i went to the livng room for a while. I must have fallen asleep while playing on the laptop an Tanner woke me up…
“MOM MOM yous asleep…”
well yes I guess I was
“MOM if yous asleep go to your bed…”
I dont want to go to my bed Tan
“NO MOM yous asleep go to bed”
why do you want me to go to bed Tan…
“I cant do nuffin w/ yous in here.”
So you see it isnt perfect, but I am working on it…LOL
steff
I find this post interesting. When you first said on twitter that the hardest part of staying at home was wondering what you could be doing otherwise, I was stunned. I have never felt that way. Perhaps it is fundamental arrogance on my part, because I always felt I could be doing anything I wanted and this is what I chose and I have never looked back.
Not that I don’t get frustrated with the lack of intellectual stimuli or lack of external validation. I cried when I first realized I couldn’t remember Schrodinger’s Equation. I don’t even feel my personality is particularly well suited to stay at home with children and I look forward to a time when they are all in school. Maybe I spend my frustrated days looking toward what I will do in the next phase of my life instead of pondering what I could be doing now?
I can tell you that I thinking of starting school again in the fall when I only have one preschooler left and I worry my intellectual capabilities have been a little dimmed from years of atrophy.
Jane Reply:
April 21st, 2009 at 7:38 am
Interesting. I don’t know why I feel less confident about the future — I was always very (probably overly) confident of my abilities when I was in school, but now, even the idea of applying to graduate school seems overwhelming. Where would I get letters of recommendation? You think they’d like something from my oldest’s second grade teacher? She might say that I am obviously busy doing something important, since I seldom remember to brush Sally’s hair in the morning. (of course, that is really Sally’s responsibility.)
In Trunk’s post, she cites research that says an INFP personality is most suited to staying home. Which might explain a lot, as I was an ENTJ when we did the Meyers-Briggs test in school.
I know what you mean about Schrodinger. I was reading posts on the Tierney Lab nytimes blog last night. They run puzzles on there, and I had to concentrate way too hard to get a glimmer of what they were talking about.
Charlotte Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I have been asking my friends and apparently I am an anomaly. The only other person who told me they never contemplate what they could be doing instead of staying home is my sister (and we are almost the same person so she doesn’t count). The interesting thing is that those who mothered young say it is because they never had a chance to find out and those that mothered older say it is because they gave up something they loved and wonder where they would be if they had stayed.
I feel honored that you mentioned me in your post, and that you think I am a better person than you, which I know for a fact is absolutely not true. I liked Penelope’s point about people doing what they really want to, but I didn’t care for her post. She seemed to be going a little overboard with going after some guy who made a dumb comment on the internet. I also disliked her implication that that people who stay at home must not need intellectual stimulation. She wrote, “I mean, intellectuals need intellectual stimulation, and that’s not something kids give.” Maybe she didn’t mean this, but I felt as if, because I choose to be at home, she was saying that I am one of those that don’t need intellectual stimulation.
I really enjoyed Dick’s post because it seems to hit very close to home around here. Yesterday Brock came home complaining because he had to stay late at the clinic, and I told him well at least he didn’t have to be here. I would gladly go hang out at the clinic all day. (This was after an especially trying afternoon for me with the kids.) I do get frustrated sometimes with my life as a SAHM, but I also got frustrated with my life working full-time, feeling then, that I didn’t have time for any of the other things I liked to do. The feelings are about the same I guess, even though the situation is different. There are things I like about being at home, and things that I get tired of. The conclusion I have come to is that the less I think about “me”, the happier I am. When I am constantly thinking about other things I want to be doing, instead of playing with my kids or doing laundry, then the grouchier I am and the more discontent I feel. When I remember that everything is not about me (which is very hard for me to do) and that I am doing what I am doing because I feel that it is best for my children and because there is a certain environment that I want them to grow up in, and that no one else can create that but me, then I have an easier time dealing with the parts about being a sahm which I don’t enjoy. I guess everyone has to create a situation that works for them, which they can be happy about, and realize that no matter what the situation is, there are going to be things that we don’t like about it.
Jane, I’ve come to one conclusion. You’re just too smart. There, I said it.
I read Penelope and then I read Dick, and then I read you again. It’s funny, I was toying in my mind about a post like this just this week. Of course you have this funny knack of posting exactly what I’ve been thinking about either before me or better than me.
I used to think I was smart….although I only ever got 3′s and 4′s on my AP tests….FIVES…seriously, girl.
Anyway, I realize that none of this is really coherent or sequential but I also agree with what you said about being scared to enter the work force now. Since Eldon lost his job I’ve been thinking about that. It is terrifying. Where would I go for a letter of rec? One of the moms of my preschoolers? The bishop? Oh yes, she’s great, except for the fact that she’s a hermit.
Maybe I could have Ebug write me one? She’s been the bestest mommy ebber. Not to mention the fact that when it came time to renew my teaching license I was about to have twins and that was the last thing on my mind.
Seriously.
Anyway, I’m with you. Being a mom is the most important thing. But it’s okay to sometimes yearn for a little more….in addition. And then I remember that all too soon the day will be here when all my kids are in school and I can do what I want (you know, aside from the chauffeuring and laundry and cleaning) and I’ll just wish I could snuggle my baby again.
I’m commenting again because I forgot to select email notification of comments last time. And it never hurts to up my commenteringness status. See, I know big words too. Even if they are made up.
You touch on a topic that I think about a lot: The different types of stay-at-home parents. There are those who are totally focused on the kids, and there are those who really need to have another thing going on.
Neither worked for me. But I am really interested in how people make parenting work – - how people figure out what is the best spot for them. And it’s not really black and white.
I enjoyed reading your thought process for how you figure out where you fit and how you come to grips with what you might be missing. I am not so clear on this for myself, so I like reading how other people figure it out.
Penelope
Holy crap, Penelope Trunk commented on your post!! That’s cool!