So, I have this feminine complaint. Very feminine and very complaint-y. After Dick’s and my customary Sunday afternoon nap, it was very apparent (olfactorally speaking) that he or I (or both of us) had a serious complaint. Is that you? I asked. I don’t know, he said, Is it you?
How awkward. (As if sex itself is not awkward (but fun!) enough.)
Being the martyr-like female that I am, I assumed that it was me (which it was). But how awkward. I certainly didn’t want to see my gynecologist about it. Ick. (I know, I know, I’d rather discuss it online, but I do have a point, if you can bear with me.)
So I went on WebMD.com, which has this great tool where you choose your symptoms, and view the possible diagnoses, read up a bit more about them, and then pick what’s wrong with you. My ailment was very apparent from the description. VERY. But before I got to that one, I read through the other possibilities:
*cervicitis (may be caused by STD)
*yeast infection (not enough good bacteria, not caused by STD)
*lice (“close contact”)
*trichomoniasis, chlamydia, herpes, HPV (all usually caused by STD)
The only bad thing about WebMD (versus, say, a real doctor) is that I start to wonder (especially late at night) … What if I have one of these other things? (What if I’ve got cancer and have only 6 months to live?) How well do I really know my husband? Can I trust him? Do I trust him? It doesn’t help that every few months there’s a House episode in which one spouse has to okay a form of treatment for the comatose spouse, a form of treatment that will be deadly if the person has never, ever cheated, but will save their life if it’s at all possible that they “slipped up” just once. I hate those episodes. Because it always turns out that in addition to lying, everybody cheats.
(By the way, I do trust my husband, and, as Tara pointed out, it helps that you can rule out the STD-caused problems.)
I spend a good deal of my time thinking that, as a minivan-driving Mormon, as a Christ-loving Christian, as a politically-conservative woman who hates Republican family-values hypocrisy, I’m really not that different from the other women in America.
I’m pro-life, but conflictedly so. I stay at home with my children, but I envy women with corner offices. I grind my own wheat and make my own bread (sometimes), but I would feed my girls Chick-fil-A every day if I could. I never miss a Sunday at church, but I nag Dick to let us watch Slumdog Millionaire, without the Clearplay turned on. (He stays firm, though.)
I have other, more serious sins, and other, more redeeming aspirations, but in short: I usually think of myself as an American first. Not so different from all the other American women who might read the same sorts of books and try to teach the same sorts of values to their children. Though I was married a bit young (21) and gave birth a bit young (23), I don’t think of my experience or expectations as being so out of the ordinary.
Until I start thinking about sex.
I read newspapers and blogs and think, well, so those politicians cheat and those parents think abstinence is unrealistic (if not also un-desirable) for their children, but surely most of us, the “us” that I count myself a part of, we all know that chastity and then fidelity are the right thing. Right?
And I keep reading, articles about studies and comments about real life, and I think, somehow, in my poor confused brain, that I can be cool, and hip (if that’s even a good thing any more), and most importantly, cynical and jaded, and REALISTIC — and, hey, I know that people cheat and kids don’t wait, and the world isn’t one sparkly montage of virginal unicorns in fluffy pink meadows.
But I’m hung up on wanting it to be. (Even if it means losing — if I ever had — my cool card.)
And then I watch a movie like He’s Just Not That Into You, and I am forced to the embarrassing conclusion that I, at age 31, college-educated, well-travelled to twelve countries on four continents, not a perfect example of anything myself; that I am in fact, compared to the rest of the country I love:
I am a religious fanatic.
How else do I explain being so thoroughly nonplussed by the acceptance and glamorization of extra-marital sex? I thought I was the target audience for the movie, based on the previews, but my life and my ideals, the life and ideals I want with everything in me for my daughters, are basically incompatible with most modern romantic comedies, and especially this one.
I really did think I’d like it, even before I knew that it quotes and creates a scenario from Some Kind of Wonderful.
*Spoiler Warning*
If you’re going to see He’s Just Not That Into You, I’d recommend you not read further, but what I’d really recommend is that you skip it (the movie). It pretty much sucks, especially if you have a sister whose husband left her and you can’t stop thinking about how much this movie would make her cry.
In He’s Just Not That Into You, the women are helpless, codependent, static characters incapable of growth or insight. The Jennifer Aniston storyline is rewarding, especially the part where Ben Affleck shows up unexpectedly. But why should a woman have to surrender and decide she was in the wrong to want marriage after seven years of living together, in order to keep her man? (Though I confess that if a man washed my dishes without my asking, I’d probably do anything he asked, even if he did look like Ben Affleck.)
The Ginnifer Goodwin/Guy from the Mac commercials storyline is a little bit cute, but it shows the Mac guy learning and changing, and the Ginnifer person stagnating at the irrational-obsessive level of infatuation. While the Mac guy grows up, she’s completely incapable of sustaining a mature relationship. And sex is not anything special, just something that accompanies dating like broken marriages follow Angelina.
And don’t get me started on that Will guy from Alias. Poor Scarlett Johanssen is in serious danger of being typecast as the whore of Babylon, and if I pass her in the street, I’ll probably slap her for Jennifer Connelly. In other words: Will cheats, and he’s a scumbag. The end.
So, fine: I’m a religious fanatic. But what does that mean?
It irritates me when people talk about how much worse the world has gotten recently. Because I read that part in the Bible where Cain killed Abel and that other part where those one chicks slept with their father. War has been happening forever, and I don’t think calling prostitution the oldest profession is hyperbole.
So I don’t think that the reality has changed that much. But our perception of the reality, our acceptance of the reality, has changed, not for the better.
And I’m far from perfect. I don’t honestly really know that many people who were perfectly, 100% chaste in thought and deed before marriage. But I know some. And the older I get, the more important it seems.
I don’t want to sound (or be) all evangelical or fundamentalist or fanatical (too late), but the truth is that if I could have one thing for my daughters, it would be chastity and virginity for them AND THEIR HUSBANDS before marriage.
When did that become the most outlandish, crazy thing? When did it become naive to consider abstinence a realistic and worthwhile goal?
When did it happen that I feel ninety-seven years old when watching a movie about twenty- and thirty-somethings?
Why is a determination of “unrealistic” considered the death knell to chastity and fidelity by some? There are a lot of other unrealistic ideals, like an end to poverty and war, but I don’t see any caring, conscious human being suggesting that we throw our hands up and turn our attention to making poverty and war as safe as possible for everyone. As if poverty and war can be made to be SAFE.
As if the fact of their inevitability somehow requires a relinquishment of the ideals of prosperity and peace.
Last week I got back in touch with a girl who was one of my best friends in eighth grade. We stayed in close contact throughout high school, but I haven’t seen her in fourteen years. She is now married with three daughters, and her husband is the boy that I was in love with for all my middle school years. In my mind, I was Anne and he was Gilbert Blythe. If I’d had a slate, I would have broken it over his head in order to increase the romantic parallels. (Of which there were many, not least being that we “hated” each other after being madly in love for approximately four months. I think he probably did actually hate me, or you know, didn’t care, but I was (not-so-secretly) pining, ever-hopeful, until my family moved away when I was thirteen.)
True love, at eleven, is pretty silly, of course. But, oh! did I love him. We met in fifth grade, in a tiny town, where elementary school ended at fourth grade, and we imagined ourselves quite grown up to be included in middle school, and especially the middle school dances. I still remember how it felt to dance with him, so close, so slow, so many hormones and so much heat. He was the first boy I ever loved.
We never kissed. We were chaste. (And yes, Mom, you were right to decide I wouldn’t go to any more dances until I was older, even so.)
The feeling I still feel for him, and for his wife, who was such a good friend to me, is overwhelming, when I think about it. I want their happiness, though we are not connected by any ties except old friendship, almost as much as I want my own.
And we never even kissed.
I cannot express to you how glad I am about that.
Chastity before marriage, and fidelity after. These things might be hard. They might be incredibly unrealistic, and uncool, and weird, and fanatical.
(And if my daughters are as imperfect as me, believe me — my idealism and my God do not in any way preclude understanding, compassion, repentance, and forgiveness.)
But chastity is what we are aiming for, and I’m not going to apologize or accept marginalization for that.
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Wow. Okay, I still have no idea what this had to do with the smell in the beginning and what it was. You sure you don’t want to clear that up? Maybe say that the cat was around and burped. Oh right– you don’t have a cat. Anyway, I don’t get the point of the prelude.
This is one of the best points I’ve heard anyone make in a long time about anything:
“Why is a determination of “unrealistic” considered the death knell to chastity and fidelity by some? There are a lot of other unrealistic ideals, like an end to poverty and war, but I don’t see any caring, conscious human being suggesting that we throw our hands up and turn our attention to making poverty and war as safe as possible for everyone. As if poverty and war can be made to be SAFE.
As if the fact of their inevitability somehow requires a relinquishment of the ideals of prosperity and peace.”
Good point, dammit! And I’ll be referencing it for many years go come.
Private Practice has a story line right now where Addison has feelings for this doctor who just happens to be the husband of her patient. I don’t know what will happen tonight but the previews look like she’s going to withdraw as the doctor so that there’s NO CONFLICT OF INTEREST. Ridiculous. She DID tell him that she’s been down this road before and she’s not going to again, but it sure sounds like she’s thinking of doing differently. And they don’t even know each other! At all! They’ve had a few conversations. Whoop dee doo. And he tells her that he only thinks about her and not his pregnant wife. Well, then, guy, you’re an idiot. Count me VERY nonplussed.
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I would like to say this:
The Media and Real Life aren’t the same thing.
That sounds… silly, but it is true. The Media (and by this I mean Music, TV, News, Movies, etc) tend to sensationalize things and to “normalize” things which are actually abnormal. Just because rich celebrities live a certain lifestyle, doesn’t mean the whole world does.
Take Teen Sex, for example. Statistics are actually showing the numbers of teens engaging in sex are plummeting – they haven’t been this low since the 50′s. Instead of focusing on that, though, they pay attention to the “Youngest Father in America” and so forth.
I don’t think you are a religious fanatic. I think anyone who truly, seriously thinks about the ramifications of sex would come to the same conclusions as you have come to (or at least very close to them). I just think that modern media sensationalizes a certain lifestyle, and it is becoming the “accepted” way of living.
But it really isn’t.
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Natasha — I was a bit oblique at the beginning in an attempt to save the blushes of some of my readers. I believe if you read between the lines, you can figure it out.
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I find this interesting since I teach 18 year-olds. I’m comforted by the fact that the split between the “have done it” and “won’t do it” are about at the same level they were when I was in college. 50/50. I knew girls that waited until college, until marriage and some that didn’t wait at all. I do hope that my children wait until marriage, I know I wish I did. However, I also don’t want my children to be ashamed or fearful of telling me if they don’t wait. My parents were quick to make me feel comfortable to talk about sex, but not comfortable enough to tell me not to do it.
I don’t think that the goal of parents is any different or more challenging than it was when we were kids. I think, if anything, we are better prepared to handle the conversation and the situation. I think now, when sex seems so prevalent, it seems somehow even more cool to wait, like joining the marines. The few, the proud, the chaste.
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I’m not going to settle for thinking premarital chastity is unrealistic. IT’S NOT. Especially not when, as Dominic says, you truly think through the consequences of sex (something most teenagers aren’t apparently capable of anyway).
The problem I see in the church, of course, is that it seems like we either come down too hard on the hardline or too easy. We make people (specifically youth) either think that if they make a mistake, there’s no coming back, OR that somehow the heart breaking (because that IS what Jesus asked for) process of repentance is “easy.” (“Oh, we can just repent for it later.” Yeah, while you’re at it, be sure to eat, drink and be merry.)
And then one of my good friends would point out here that the absolute taboo on even discussing sex in our (religious) culture is so strong that it can make the transition to “marital relations” just that much harder.
How do we balance these teachings?
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Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…
…
Did I tell you yet that I love reading this big girl blog?! I do.
I find it interesting that even though you call the relationship you had with that young boy chaste, you still have the feelings you then kindled for him. Striking the match for romantic feelings when we’re young ((the whole who’s going steady with whom crap)) is nowhere near chaste, just because no one took their clothes off.
The first step for protecting our daughters from tearing off a piece of themselves for scrap-love, before a solid covenant is entered, is training them to protect their hearts from stirring up these emotions unduly. Pining, fantasizing, stalking…we first generation Christians all did it because we gave our minds to Seventeen and Young Miss and Teen Beat, back when the quizzes told you whether he was crushin’ or not and not whether he was bi.
Media and habits that delight in the romantic lead our children down a path for which they are just not ready. I too may have never gotten freaky betwixt the sheets with my first love, but I’ve never stop thinking about him–ever.
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Amen, amen, and amen.
Well said.
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Jordan, I have to take issue with your statement that “we” make youth feel that way. What about all the talks about repentance and the atonement and forgiveness? I hear these talks every general conference. They’re in the Ensign all the time. I hear them at church. There’s Believing Christ and The Miracle of Forgiveness, two wildly popular church books. Is it really such a secret that our sins can be washed away and forgiven as if they never happened? It the process of repentance really that hidden? I just taught it to my CTR 7 class, so I’d have to say no.
When we’re going to cast an unfavourable light on members of the church, or the church itself, it should be really well-founded.
People who think they’re past forgiveness are either not very bright or they haven’t been listening. Because the right message is there all the time.
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I am going to go out on a limb, and guess that your thoughts or intentions were neither lewd or salacious at eleven, which would then keep you chaste… (unless I am missing some underlying meaning in LauraLee’s redefinition of chaste, which I could be)
Last Sunday on BYUTV there was an Education Week Broadcast by Paul R. Warner. He talked about a time he was Institute Director at CSULB, and at an interfaith meeting all the other ecclesiastical leaders told him he was young and foolish to think that abstinence/chastity before marriage was realistic in today’s society. Really?!? I kind of thought the Bible was pretty clear about it.
I saw the movie a few weeks back, and as I watched I thought back to something I heard back in the Friends hey day, “Friends don’t sleep with Friends!” That has stuck with me. When I see media I ask myself does this try to paint bad stuff to look good? Because it sure seemed like there was nothing wrong with Monica and Chandler hooking up and keeping it a secret from the other friends, or when Rachel and Joey are about to sleep together, or Rachel and Ross, or Joey and who ever…
Back to the movie again. I was happy that the scumbag, cheater guy ended up without either girl and for some reason I didn’t even think about the wife until I read this post and thought about it from your sister’s point of view. The vibe I got (about the movie) was she is better off without him, and after the 3 minute scene (because you know I am “sure” we saw what it would be really like in those three minutes) where she cleared him out of her life, it was over. She was better. And seriously, Jennifer Anniston’s character, get a spine, if you believe marriage is important, find a guy it is important to also. And psycho chick might need a little bit of therapy (though I might have been a tad analytical like her back in the day) because really you were into all of those guys? But who really wants to delve into all the ugly stuff that is real life in a two hour movie?
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Oh, and Jane– Are you an Alias fan??!!! If you say yes, it just might stitch you into my heart for eternity.
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I am not trying to bring on the wrath of the Mormon church here, so feel free to delete this comment, but….
I’ve noticed over the years that when people leave either the Mormon church or the Catholic church they seem to abandon religion completely. In other words, I rarely see a Catholic or Mormon become a Methodist, or wind up in a bible church, or a Baptist church. It is an “all or nothing” mentality. I wonder if this has something to do with this notion of sin/repentance – strict guidelines or definition of sin. I don’t know – I’m neither Mormon nor Catholic – but find this to be an interesting trend.
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I actually really am interested, in a non confrontational way, about where Beth got her statistic from. Just totally curious. I think that the reason people who leave the LDS faith don’t go on to find another is because they still know deep down that they had the whole truth, and nothing else is. They just want to take the easier, less guilt ridden path. But anyway, totally aside from the point here. I was going to say exactly what Gabrielle said but you know I have a hard time keeping it brief. I hope Dominic Ford is right. I had thought about watching that movie when it came out on video but I think I’ll pass. I am glad to lose my cool status too. (ha….ha) And thanks for telling us about your embarrassing story in order to make it easier to swallow a sex talk. I shouldn’t tell you this embarrassing story but when we were engaged we went out to eat at this really spicy restaurant. I remember the next morning we were talking on the couch and he was like, weird, it smells like dinner last night. And it wasn’t my breath. I’m glad that was the first and last time that ever happened. Humiliating!
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I joined the Mormon church when I was 14, so I had the “opportunity” to live both as one of the wicked, and as a fanatic. the contrast between my suicidal depression (before I was 14) and my current happy ever after is so stark that i truly don’t understand why anyone would ever desire to do anything wrong.
i try to stay away from the world and its unchaste ways by not owning a TV, and being very selective in what i watch on the computer. for the very reasons you described, i stopped watching “house” after just a few episodes. the same happened to “alias”. i don’t watch romantic comedies and i pride myself in that fact that i never watched “the titanic.”
my favorite Book of Mormon scripture to this day is “wickedness never was happiness” that’s what i try to teach my children.
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I get the prelude — I have thought it myself many times.
Loved this post! More people need to speak out on this.
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“One of the wicked”, Sylwia? That was a bit harsh. And how wicked could you BE at 14?
Beth, it’s because Catholics believe the Catholic church is the one true church. Mormons believe the Mormon church is the one true church. They’re already convinced that other churches are lacking. So, when they leave their respective churches, they leave religion altogether. If the best of what they’ve found turns out not to be true (in their eyes), then nothing can be true. Sometimes people join other churches, but in my experience what you’ve described is true. I can only think of two people I know who left for other churches but both greatly respect the LDS church.
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Very well said. I’ve taught youth and children’s classes (I’m a Baptist preacher’s wife) and have been alarmed at how some see pre-marital sex as “not that big a deal.” Parents, too!
I was taught that sex is a wonderful thing within the confines of marriage and my own experience has confirmed that fact. I hope someday to instill that principle into my own children. Boys and girls alike!
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Thank you Jane, once again you and your reader have had me sitting here thinking. I only have to say, there is a God. You just have to decided if you like the answers you will someday have to give Him, if you don’t, then you might want to change your path.
–
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natasha,
i try to follow my church’s council not to disclose past transgressions, so i speak in general terms, but anything bad that you can think of I’m pretty sure i have i done…it was not fun, none of it.
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I have not statistics or facts. (Golly, not that smart) purely anecdotal. Ironically, I have a very good friend who left the Catholic church for the LDS church. I think Natasha is right, that in a sense that both of these faiths stress the “one true church” type concept – versus other Protestant denominations. That seems sad to me. I suppose I’d rather see a person follow Christ in any church than not follow at all. However, this is coming from a Jew convert (to a bible church) so perhaps I have a much different view.
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I think that what Beth and Natasha have said about people leaving the Mormon or Catholic faith being often totally disenchanted with organized religion as a whole is pretty descriptive, and I think that you’re onto something with what the reasons for that could be. And yes, it is sad, and yes, I think it would be better if they could follow a different religion rather than turning away from religion as a whole.
The crux, for me, is that on the one hand, I (we) have this pure, strong standard, and honestly, maybe only 1% of the population can live up to it. (Maybe more, depending on how you define the ideal.) But I would never want to throw stones or get up a scarlet letter campaign or anything. (Because I don’t even know what letters I’d have to wear myself.)
The Jesus Christ of the New Testament is perhaps so perfect because He somehow combined uncompromising truth with utter and absolute compassion. If we could treat each other that way, I think it would help in encouraging others (and ourselves) to live up to our principles, instead of alienating with harshness or gossip or corrosive shame.
As to what Dominic said — Oh, how I hope so. But I’m not even talking just about “media.” I’m talking about blogs and comments left on blogs by regular people (mothers and fathers!) just like me.
For example, I read this post on BlogHer a few months ago, and it’s basically: “you’ve talked to your kids about safe sex, but how about being ready for it emotionally.” The post and the comments all assumed that premarital sex is a given, and not one person (at the time I commented) mentioned religion or philosophy or even any sort of moral aspect of sexuality. It was very disheartening.
It’s almost odd, because I read mostly religious blogs, or, really, blogs by people who are interested by or engaged in some sort of religious life. But whenever I step outside that circle (virtually), I’m often shocked by just how “unrealistic” I supposedly am.
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Laura Lee — I wanted to address this point about chaste thoughts. I think I can honestly say that I was quite innocent at 11. I mean, it was all very Anne of Green Gables in my mind. Very pure. But my body, you’re right — my body was already getting interested in things that I had not yet ever thought about. It’s only looking back that I realize that if he or I had been less sheltered, innocent, and religious, other things COULD have happened.
So — I would say that my 11 year old self was chaste, but the dancing was not appropriate. After a couple dances, when my mom realized they were being held (at the school, during the last period of the day), that she started having me go home from school early on those days. And I didn’t go to another dance until I was 14.
But, interestingly, innocence and chastity are not exact synonyms (Perhaps my 11 yo self was innocent but not strictly chaste of thought?). Now I am not “innocent” as in “virginal,” but my connubial bliss w/ my husband is “chaste.” I don’t know. I don’t like to equate “innocent” with “virginal,” either, because rape victims (those whose virginity is stolen) should not be considered less innocent, though they are forced to an understanding of those things. (If the opposite of innocent were “knowledge” or “awareness.”)
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This is an interesting discussion. Imagine the TV/movies/reality disconnect for someone of my advanced age! I have all but decided that I live in a universe parallel to the one where every phone number begins with “555.” Or maybe it’s like Star Trek where, after an elaborate set up, the distressing circumstances turn out to just be a hologram and a test for the crew (at least, that’s my hope when I see the mess we humans have made of our society).
I am absolutely convinced, however, that chastity is a big part of the answer, and I honestly don’t understand how any intelligent person can expect happiness conducting their life contrary to that. Just imagine what the world would be like if everyone would just go home tonight and sleep in their own bed!
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This was such a good post and very thought-provoking. I recently met with a hematologist because of some serious blood tests. The doctor wanted me to be tested for HIV. I nearly laughed out loud. I thought about explaining to him why there was no possibility of me having HIV, but decided to just be quiet. He’ll feel better having it off the radar. But it was so nice to really NOT be worried about having HIV.
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brilliant jane! I think the same things all the time. maybe it makes me uncool, but it wouldn’t be the first time:) Like you, watching the carnage of my sister’s marriage my sensitivities are no doubt hightened. I find myself questioning everything – wondering how it got to be cool to watch people hurting each other:(
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I get sick of watching all the TV and movies where you find yourself hoping, even rooting, for the infidelity to happen. Teaching that love can only be satisfying in the earlist, most lustful stage. I also wonder where in the “normal” America I fit in and how I teach my children abstinence when everyone else seems to teach them it is ridiculous. I am opting for very thouroughly.
Just out of curiosity, I thought you were a fan of the trashy romances, and I find the written word arguing for unchastity equally disheartening. What are your thoughts on that?
Anyway, I wish someone had told me the taboo about talking about sex in our (religious) culture. I can be a bit blunt at times. Oops.
And good luck with that “feminine” issue.
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Teresa — People cheating or being abandoned, etc has always bugged me, but I agree — watching it actually happen to my sister made it all horribly real.
Charlotte — You’re absolutely right – I have somewhat of a double standard when it comes to books. I’ll read romances or literary books where unmarried people have sex. And I can’t justify that. I do not enjoy books that accept infidelity, and when there is premarital sex, the books I enjoy are ones that end in marriage. I know, that’s a completely illogical rationality, but… I got nothing else. (I also enjoy shows like The Office and House and Alias, etc, that portray premarital sex, and all I can say is that sometimes it just doesn’t bother me, which is probably indefensible after my saying that I just hated that one smutty movie.)
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WOW – what an awesome discussion! It’s great to see so many touchy issues hashed out in such a respectful way.
First off, THANK YOU JANE for hating that movie for all the right reasons. I actually walked out 3/4 of the way through (when Jennifer Connoley smashes the mirror) because I was bawling my freakin’ head off and didn’t want to explain myself to the girlfriends I was with. My parents split over cheating, my best friend is currently being cheated on, and hubs and I were having a bad week, so I think I took it a little deeper to heart than most of the other moviegoers.
What struck me so deeply about the storyline was how he turned Scarlett down several times before finally succumbing. I was horrified to think that there are people like her character out there with a complete disrespect for marriage.
As for the debate about sex before marriage, you should know that I was uplifted by the fact that YOU are one more mom out there that cares and is teaching their children to wait. Although, I don’t understand why religion seems to be such a dividing line on this issue. Why isn’t EVERYONE teaching kids that there are natural, real-world consequences to their actions like pregnancy, STD’s and AIDS? Shouldn’t those reasons be enough? I proudly wear the fanatic badge right along with you but don’t see why personal beliefs have to come into the discussion at all. It just MAKES GOOD SENSE to hold off until you’re whole-heartedly (and legally) committed to one person. Then the “mystery smells” don’t have to be a source of deep heartache and destroyed families. They can just be a source of embarassment and hilarity on the blogosphere.
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Jane and all: Not attacking anyone’s sense of personal moral purity ((chastity)) at age eleven–I was so freakin’ afraid of boys, thanks to my grandmother’s battery of neuroses, that I was THAT girl who had yet to be even kissed at sixteen, and I knew not Christ. My point is that many are either ignorant or insensitive to what’s really happening when we encourage school age crushes, seeing any admiration for the opposite sex as, “She likes him ((wink-wink)).” In lieu of guarding the hearts of our children, who cannot yet know enough to guard their own hearts, we are, as I said, striking the match that will lead our children to burn for another in a way that belongs only and wholly within a marriage covenant. Sadly, my experience with elementary-aged kiddos is that these relationships are expected earlier and earlier, and dads and moms are sitting behind their respective cappuccinos, declaring, “Isn’t that sweet!”
Again: my experience, my opinion.
And again: Never stop thinking about the boy who finally kissed me.
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Lauren — One thing that makes life so complicated, I think, is that that movie did have some really good/funny parts. I LOVED the juxtaposition of how Jennifer Aniston’s brothers-in-law treated her (and the house) and how Ben Affleck’s character came in, after not seeing her for months, and just cleaned up the kitchen. SWOON.
And the funny things Drew Barrymore said, and I did like how they showed the Mac guy falling in love, getting his comeuppance.
But the enjoyable parts in no way outweighed the ick. How do moviemakers get some parts of the human existence so, so right, and other parts just — wrong?
We saw Duplicity yesterday, and I was disappointed. So disappointed. The thing is, I love movies, and love stories, and I wish there were more that didn’t have some ick factor buried (or not so buried) among the good parts.
Laura Lee — I think you’re absolutely right that parents bear responsibility for encouraging or cooing over school-kid crushes. I want my kids to grow up as slowly as possible in that area.
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Jane, this is a great post. Very thought provoking. I have known for a long time I was not cool at all when it came to my opinion on sex outside of marriage. I am trying hard to teach my kids about chastity, sex, and the moral/ethical issues around it. Can I just say that it is HARD! I feel like the lone voice in a wilderness, especially knowing what the media depicts and “teaches” my kids. Thanks for speaking up (and sticking up) for chastity and morality is such a well-spoken manner.
PS, Tara said you were going to see Duplicity recently as well. What were your thoughts on it? I saw it a few days ago.
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So I have to be anonymous (which drives me nuts) due to the private nature of my comment. Mostly I want to thank you for this excellent post, and all the commenters for their insight.
My husband had premarital sex. I didn’t. We’re Mormons. He did the repentance thing and met me a couple years later. We made out a lot (too much, probably) but didn’t sleep together, married in the temple, etc. He disclosed his past mistakes when we got engaged, which was tough for me. I hadn’t expected to marry someone who didn’t save himself for me as I did for him. The first six months of marriage were hard – really hard – as we tried to deal with that. I did get over it, eventually. I appreciate the hard lessons he learned and the testimony of the Atonement that he gained.
I guess the point here is that we now know, through personal experience, that the consequences of premarital sex are bigger than one might realize. The repentance process was long and hard, the loss of self-worth rough. It strained our marriage. It broke my heart. I hope we can communicate that to our kids someday, hope we can help them avoid that pain.
Also, I’ve noticed the same thing as Beth. Those I know who have left the Mormon church haven’t moved on to different churches; they ditched organized religion altogether.
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I had a very different reaction to that movie. I loved the Ginnifer role because I saw myself 10 years ago – trying so hard to push something that was never there just because I had no self-worth without a relationship. I loved the Jennifer Connely/what’s-his-face/Scarlet story because it showed that adultery is heartbreaking for everyone involved. There are no happy endings when people don’t stay true to their promises. I loved the Jennifer Anniston/Ben Affleck story line because even when she was ready to compromise her desire for marriage, he realized that he couldn’t be happy unless he was making her happy.
I do hate how the media (and this movie too, of course) sensationalizes sex. Sex isn’t glamorous and it certainly isn’t as perfect or clean as it’s portrayed in the movies. I wish I had talked about it more growing up. I longed for it more than anything else – because that seemed to be the ultimate goal. If only I had known how much more beautiful and intimate and funny and embarrassing and messy and noisy and quick!
I cherish the intimacy that my husband and I share, and that has a whole heck of a lot more to do with communication than with actual sex. Too bad the media can’t sensationalize that!
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You don’t have to be a religious fanatic to be appalled at the morals of the characters in that movie. I’m an atheist and I hated almost everyone in the movie.
There are biological reasons why extra-marital affairs and promiscuity are abhorrent to us and they aren’t all disease-related. Laws that show up in religions have a NATURAL reason that they are laws. Religion just put them on paper first.
You’re not a religious fanatic. You’re smart and can understand the consequences of the lives that were so poorly written out in that B-Movie.
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