In many religious and socioeconomic circles, purposeful motherhood has emerged as a holy calling, a vocation of supposed significance to the well-being of our children, the structure of society, and the future of civilization. But the benefits of purposeful motherhood aren’t well-documented in the literature. And motherhood itself is perhaps a selfish luxury whose perpetuation will lay waste our resources, pollute the environment, devastate our planet, and cruelly prolong the human condition.
Worst of all, motherhood condemns women to an endless existence as . . . women.
Several months ago Dick asked me if I hate being a mother so much, and I have considered it often since then, using that episode as a litmus test for new friends. If they empathize, we will get along, and if they confess that they are “natural” mothers who delight in all things nurturing and domestic and bucolic, we probably won’t.
Motherhood is stifling and restrictive. You have to keep your house clean, because there are magazines with beautiful pictures of well-kept houses. You have to read the same (gentle) discipline books and belong to the same groups and encourage the same activities that all the other mothers do. You have to craft and grow organic vegetables and scrapbook and wait to shower until everyone else’s needs are met in full.
You can’t shape and change motherhood to fit you and your likes, wants, needs, and desires, because there is only one way to mother, and that’s the way that is in vogue right now, with a very narrow segment of the population, of the United States, in the 21st century.
If you want to be a good mother, and for a post-feminist woman, Madonna-like motherhood is imperative: you must live up to Angelina Jolie, a perfect paragon of effortless, elegant parenthood, only dismissing that past-history nonsense about her brother and the blood, and poor Jennifer Aniston and the whole Billy Bob thing.
Oh, I once threw myself whole-heartedly into the motherhood nirvana. I grew my babies under my heart, birthed them, nursed them, loved them, but then I remembered all the other things I should be doing. All the things my children were forcing me to deny myself. My husband walked out the door each morning to work, and I raged that this was my life.
Then one day I read in Freakonomics that the legalization of abortion was significantly correlated with a drop in crime. I researched further and realized that our earth is irrevocably endangered by the hordes of children we’re bringing into it. My orthopedic surgeon told me that pregnancy hormones aggravate my shoulder’s connective tissue problems.
In short: Motherhood is clearly wrong for everyone. Anyone who would contemplate (or worse, promote or support) motherhood is an embarrassment to humankind, a betrayer of the ideals of freedom and liberty, and a disgrace to feminists everywhere.
Because motherhood is a biological shackle. Many women (myself included) have children because our hormones whisper (like clashing cymbals) that a warm, soft bundle of humanity to snuggle is the most desirable of all things on earth. A woman who listens to her body and marries her intellect to her instinct and emotion is an abomination. Intellect (however fallible) alone should rule.
Motherhood precludes any meaningful work on the part of the mother. Instead of striving towards the greater good of all humankind in an office with desks and computers and conference calls and Very Important People, the woman who is ensnared by motherhood might choose to be that most extreme and shameful of all things — a woman who stays home with her children.
Even if she does return to work full-time, part of her attention and caring and energy will always be reserved for those parasitic weaklings at home who sap her drive and meddle with her priorities.
But the stay-at-home mother is the worst. Instead of leading or defending or promoting the free world, she is selfishly ensconsed in her diaper-lined harem, with no thought for anything beyond her small sphere. What cares she for the economy or the Middle East or great books? Clearly none of these things will ever affect her or the children in her care, so they couldn’t be of less interest.
And what of her barren day-to-day life? She earns no paycheck, so she has no concept of independence or self-reliance or the confidence borne of hard work. No staid accountant can sit behind a desk and finger her W-2 form at tax time, so the labor she engages in is worthless, ephemeral, and totally without meaning or significance.
She has no opportunity for growth or sacrifice or any need to confront her own flaws and shortcomings. While men and women serve our country in the armed forces, the stay-at-home mother merely teaches Please and Thank You, marginal bits of manners that will never shape a character or have any practical application in the Real World.
Unlike the lucky architect or the plucky project manager, there is no scope for exploration or delight in seeing a project come to fruition.
And there’s no humor or insight to be had. People under the age of five say the dullest, most unimaginative things. Why, a three year old who’s not in full-time daycare has not yet been taught to sit still and color in the lines and respond as expected. Is it any wonder that the poor woman trapped at home turns to crystal meth and daytime soaps when the vague, staring, piglet-like creatures around her endlessly root for the nourishment she provides and drain her of all potential?
Still, I continue to mother. Continue, even, to stay at home. Despite the lack of evidence establishing any hint of validation, I am a stay-at-home mother. Naturally I long for the day when I can ship them all to boarding school or hire two or three nannies, but in the meantime, I suffer in silence, knowing that the best years of my life are slipping through my fingers like sands through an hourglass.
Because, perhaps, this is my last opportunity to hold them to my heart, and even though I hate almost every aspect of it, I may miss it when they’re gone.
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This post inspired by Hanna Rosin’s The Case Against Breast-Feeding and almost everything Judith Warner has ever written.
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Many “Mothers” who read this page will have conflicting emotions, like myself. I dearly love my children but have felt every syllable of every word written in this article. How am I really helping my community, nation, world, self when all I have time for is cleaning, cooking, diapering, working out to stay in shape – etc..??? The real question isn’t how wonderful life is for mothers but for human beings in general and is life really harder for women than men (good men)? If nature has determined that the female of our species are to be the bearers of offspring then what is the bigger picture? Why are we here? Is life meant to be to our exact liking? Will our kids grow so quickly that all too soon we will be looking at our empty house, having all the time in the world to pursue “our own” dreams and realize that we did exactly what we wanted to do all along the way. What other job can make us so mentally tough?
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Wow, I did not realize how wicked a person I really am! Love the Angelina Jolie point–so true. She is now considered the perfect mother. What a sad commentary on our society…
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Thanks for making such a solid case! Not really. The fact is I feel a lot of what you’ve described from time to time, though I’d never admit it.
I’m not a natural mother. Work has always come easy to me, until I took on mommyhood, which is the toughest job I’ve every faced. I certainly don’t excel at it.
But it’s a matter of attitude. When I instead try to look for the beautiful in things, I find such an incredible amount of beauty in mommyhood that I wouldn’t change it for the world. And none of my jobs compare.
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Hahaha very clever! I am sitting here, enslaved by my biological imperative as we speak.
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Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…
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And to think I actually wanted another child. I am glad I read this first to set myself straight. LOL!!! Very humorous post.
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Brillant!
I love the line: “Is it any wonder that the poor woman trapped at home turns to crystal meth and daytime soaps when the vague, staring, piglet-like creatures around her endlessly root for the nourishment she provides and drain her of all potential?”
Motherhood is definitely the most underrated, unappreciated, unrewarded life course anyone could choose.
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Woo hoo!!! I dance a happy dance. (I’d burn my bra, but it keeps my nursing pads in place. I mean . . . I’m also going to stop nursing.)
Once my daughter’s not parasitically deriving her sustenance from my body anymore (oh no, I’m a terrible mother because I’d really like to wean her and she’s not even eight months old), I’ll be able to finally contribute to society again. Clearly, sticking my children in daycare would stimulate the economy. There’s the real reason we’re in a recession.
You know, one thing that really bugged me about my post about why I became a mother a couple weeks ago was that it was missing a big reason—I hate the environment and would really like to ravage the earth with several genetic replicas. Thanks for hitting on that here.
When are we getting together? My schedule’s clear until April 9 right now.
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Oh, also, thanks for justifying my meth habit. Now all I need is a tax deduction for transactions with my dealer!
(Just in case this should ever, I don’t know, come to play in court or my kids find it or something: Yes, that’s sarcasm you read. I don’t do meth. Say no to drugs.)
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Brilliant! Thanks for the laugh.
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This is the BEST post I have read in months….You stated almost every though I have ever had as a mom……Yes, I love them dearly, but come on…..how many juice boxes do I have to put a straw in before you can do it yourself!!!
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Jane, I share your absence of love for Judith Warner. But I don’t share you view, if I correctly read your post, that there is some ubiquitous anti-mother view spreading its tentacles across the country and globe.
To the contrary, I am seeing the work of mothers elevated to ridiculous proportions. As more and more women wait longer and longer to have kids, when they do step out of the work force to stay home for a while Momzillas are spawning faster than in a Japanese horror movie.
Let’s get the Oklahoma football team down here for scrimmages at Timmy’s 4-yr old birthday party, etc., etc. Blah blah blah. So, no I can’t say moms are the scourge or at all scorned, at the moment. Quite the opposite. God almighty: Michelle Obama is advocating organic veggies and fresh food for the entire country. And I would be totally on board with this, dahling, if everyone could afford it. But they cannot. If I had the White House lawn and a staff to make my garden grow, I’d wave my magic wand, too.
Back here on earth, back at the farm, I’d like this intense hyper-focused competition in childrearing to go away. To the newly-born Alpha moms of this world, I say: let me be. Let my kid be. He does not have a personal sports coach. He does not have activities scheduled every single damn day after school. He rides his bike and he reads books. For TV, he has DVDs of the Waltons, Little House, and Underdog.
Gasping at my mothering negligence? Call me in 20 years and I’ll fix you a drink. Because you’ll need one.
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The Lawyer Mom — I think you’ve misread me, a bit. My post is a parody of the Case Against Breastfeeding article. It’s meant as satire of the second-wave feminists who think women betray themselves when they see motherhood (esp. stay-at-home motherhood) as important and worthwhile work.
Feminism should be about options and choices, about women supporting each other in the choice to have kids or not, to breastfeed or not, to work outside the home or not, to babywear/cosleep/arrange playdates/eat organic/etc or not.
Feminism should not be the striving to eradicate all aspects of a woman’s life that are influenced by biology. If I choose to bear children and nurse those babies, those are valid feminist acts (or should be).
What irritates me most is the brand of feminism that consists of women attacking other women’s choices under the guise of promoting “equality.”
As far as “negligent” mothering goes, I shall pour myself a Mountain Dew and drink to that! (Though I prefer to call it “facilitation of imaginative play” and “fostering of self-sufficiency.”)
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So I read that article about why to not breastfeed (at least some of it) and I’ve come to the conclusion that she is hanging out with and listening to the wrong people. Her loss I guess. I know this post is satirical or facetious or what have you. I still found it enjoyable because it really is so easy to talk crap, intelligently. And I wouldn’t be surprised if there are people out there who would read it and think you meant it. Luckily for me, I figured out after my first kid that I wasn’t going to be that perfect mother I always thought I would be. And I’ve been trying to let it be okay ever since…
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I’m coming over from Mormon Mommy Blogs, asking for your help. I am in the running for a round trip airfare paid ticket to Connecticut, to meet a friend I became acquainted with through blogging. She is a super fun person and is holding this contest. I entered a funny story titled “Grapejuice Floaties, Now Marry Me.” The person whose story receives the most votes will win a trip to meet this generous lady, whom I’m hoping to meet. The voting ends tonight-midnight. I used to be ahead but there is a story coming up from behind out of nowhere, and it’s a tight race now. I would so much appreciate your help. Her blog is http://www.becausemomsaidso.blogspot.com and the voting is on the sidebar on the right. “Grapejuice, Floaties” Just go there and cast a vote for me, please. Thanks so much-you’re awesome! ♥♥
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This is why I so adore you – I wish I could be this coherent. I didn’t find it funny – because you’re right. I am shackled, constrained, confined, belittle, befuddled and down right tired. BY MY CHOICE! My sister was back to work 6 weeks after her youngest was born. Being at home with her kids drove her crazy and had she forced herself to stay home her sons never would have lived to have seen 10 years old. I, however, willingly walked away from the big checks and the important people. I don’t miss it. The most important people in my life are 5 & 3 and refer to me as “mama”. But I’m glad and proud of the fact that my sister and I both had the opportunity to choose which lifestyle was best for us and not what somebody else thought we should do.
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Love it when you’re satirical.
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Jane, I thought your post was excellent and superbly written. I also think we are on the same page. Before I made my comment I should have read “the case against breastfeeding.” I knew your post was a parody and I didn’t do a very good job explaining my viewpoint.
I veered off course — and vented about how mothering seems to have turned into a sort of competitive blood sport — without any segway. When I said “you’ll need a drink in 20 years” by no means was I referring to you, but rather the momzillas popping up everywhere. Because they really will need a drink.
To make a long comment longer, I think we’re saying the same thing and you said it much more artfully than I ever could.
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Jane, I thought your post was excellent and superbly written. I also think we are on the same page. Before I made my comment I should have read “the case against breastfeeding.” I knew your post was a parody and I didn’t do a very good job explaining my viewpoint.
I veered off course — and vented about how mothering seems to have turned into a sort of competitive blood sport — without any segway. When I said “you’ll need a drink in 20 years” by no means was I referring to you, but rather the momzillas popping up everywhere. Because they really will need a drink.
To make a long comment longer, I think we’re saying the same thing and you said it much more artfully than I ever could.
Sorry if this is a duplicate comment! I screw these things up all the time. Just want to make sure it goes through.
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never read that lady, maybe that’s why i feel this urge to point out things like: a stay at home mom is MORE likely to be concerned about things like the economy and the middle east, in fact such things impact us probably 1000x more than the average non-parent. and that i’m almost done reading doctor zhivago, even with 3 little i read important books all the time. i have a feeling that’s supposed to be obvious though…
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Well done. Perhaps the best response to The Case Against Breastfeeding yet!
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hehe… nice. yeah i guess the shackles are par for the course…but doing it our own way is a-ok. thank goodness for those of us who get that feminism is and always has been about choice. (i particularly like your use of the adjective ‘plucky’ ;p)
-someone who has never opened a copy of good housekeeping magazine
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Me too.
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I haven’t read through all the comments yet but I imagine there are some folks that took your p.o.v. as literal, not satire (as it is, and very good at that).
My case against modern feminists (not feminism, but those who dare to stand up and opine for the rest of us) is that while feminism is about having choices, the feminists would have us believe there is only one right choice, one right way to live as a liberated woman.
Pffft!
I choose to be here with my kids because I can – that I have that choice is a blessing.
I hate cleaning, but I do it because I hate a mess even more.
I think every copy of those “Home Living” mags that portray homes as filled with hotel-type, impeccable rooms, not actual live-in-kick-up-your-heels rooms, should be burnt!!
And what I do here – mommying? It matters. More than anything, raising good people for this world matters.
Great stuff, Jane!!
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Very nicely done. Excellent parody of the original article. I especially like how you re-create the bizarre “heartfelt” hypocritical ending.
Kudos!
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Jane suffering in silence. Now THAT is funny. ;-p
I understood what The Lawyer Mom was saying. I agree with it half the time and disagree half the time. Of course, the times when I want to be revered as a mom are times when I feel like I’m being castigated and the times when I want to dismiss motherhood outright I feel like I’m being made to feel ashamed for not wanting to revel in this angelic biological imperative. Perhaps it’s all in how I choose to view things, hmmm? [sheepish grin here]
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I have been freed from the shackles of ignorance! If only I had been told earlier that I was being tricked into a meaningless existence, I could have avoided a life full of abject misery. I would go on, but I promised my baby a bedtime story and I hate missing those good night snuggles.
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This is brilliant. So well-written, such precise satire. Nicely done. I loved it.
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LOL your logo reminds me of a post I did about . What ABOUT mom!
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I like you! You might like my new idea blog at http://savehomesaveworld.blogspot.com
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Hello! Poppin’ in from The Ultimate Blog Party…all the way from Queensland, Australia! G’Day! I hope you have time to visit my party soon.
I’m giving away Pink Champagne Shower Syrup from Jaqua Beauty…stop on over and enter! Ends April 8. Open to USA.
Ta!
I want to invite you to the Mommie Daze Virtual Baby Shower that I am hosting May 15 to June 8. This is an international even and there are prizes! Stop by my blog for all the details.
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I feel sory for your children.
What’s do damn exiting about being chained to a demanding boss? Are cubicles really that exiting?
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Jane Reply:
April 8th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Carlos — please look up the word “satire” in the dictionary. Thank you.
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[...] “In short: Motherhood is clearly wrong for everyone.” [...]