My heart is breaking in pieces for her, yet whatever I say, just drives her further to him. It’s awful. So, Jane, I have no idea how we raise daughters that don’t attract to that kind of man. I thought I had – but here we are.

Heather

That being said, I don’t have issues with forgiveness of transgressions. If a man or woman is unfaithful, I believe that it can be worked through. Keeping a family together should be our priority whenever possible. Sometimes it takes more strength to forgive than to move on.

Please don’t misunderstand. I don’t mean women should take back and abusive man. Not by any means. But each situation needs to be looked at closely by the people involved to see if there is a chance for repair. Especially in the case of infidelity. This is such a common transgression now. If the offending spouse is truly repentant… don’t we our it to ourselves and our family to work it out?

I also understand that each case is different and my ideals would not work for everyone. This is just my personal opinion and a choice I would make if the situation ever arose in my home. I do not judge others for their decisions because I have never walked in their shoes. Every person needs to pray for guidance and choose the path that is best for their family.

My cynical feelings about relationships now seem to revolve around my paranoia that he is: not being genuine/wants a way out and doesn’t know how to say it/is being unfaithful.

Even when these fears are unfounded, they are there (probably because of the 2 highly dysfunctional, though not physically abusive, dating relationships I’ve had). I do take my share of the blame, though, because I feel like I should have been wise enough to see these things for what they were.

Some comments on this post reminded me of a church youth camp we were leaders at a few years ago. The guest speaker, a woman I had known and admired during the start of my journey in the Anglican world, got up 3 or so days into the 5 day camp, and spent some time apologising (though that’s not quite the right word) about the way she had been talking about young men in the previous days. From my pro-woman standpoint, I hadn’t realised that certain pro-woman statements she had been making were coming across to the young men as though they were all horrid, selfish, abusive, hormonal creatures.

My parents split up when I was two, and my Mother raised me. I saw my Dad every second weekend, and maybe a bit more over holidays (vacation). He remarried, and after a number of years and three children, that marriage failed. Dad has now been married again for 15 years (record so far! ). Mum has never remarried, though she has been in a relationship for over 20 years.
When I was younger, I knew I wanted children, but didn’t want to get married. I never fantasised about a wedding, dress, or any of that. After what had happened to my parents, how could I know what to do to keep a relationship together? I think being able to model healthy relationships to our kids is one of the greatest things we can do. Let them see fights (so they know not to go to their room and pack a bag and choose which parent they’re going with – my BF did this the two times her parents fought when she was young!!), let them see love, let them see respect, let them see partnership, let them see you supporting one another, let them know they are loved and adored and any person who wants to be in their life had better meet those standards.

I feel for your sister. A cynical corner of me wonders if we can ever truly protect our children from partners who don’t deserve them, who suddenly one day leave, or have a secret incestuous family living in the basement. But it’s our job as parents to try. If only there was a five-point safety harness we could install on our children’s lives.

It was a horrible movie, I sat through to the end hoping I’d feel better about it, all the while, but I never did!

As far as how to protect daughters from the bad ones, I also wish I knew how. I’ve tried to instill in my little boy that his best friend, his sister, should be respected. I’ve tried to teach her that she deserves respect and that she should always stand up for herself and speak up when something isn’t right. What else can we do?

Also, has anyone out there ever read the book “Reviving Ophelia, Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls” by Mary Pipher? I haven’t actually read all of it, but I have read enough to be terrified for my girls to be teenagers. Enough so, that I’ve even contemplated homeschooling my children (totally not like me). The main idea behind the book is that somewhere between childhood and adolescence “girls stop being and start seeming.” I for one want my girls to always be able to make decisions based on who they really are, and that being a Daughter of God with immense promise and worth.

Ultimately, I’d like my children to learn that just as we are supposed to act as if we ourselves are Christ- they should also treat everyone else as if they are also Christ. I’m definitely not perfect in this, but that’s why the song is called, “I’m TRYING to be like Jesus.”

http://monicabrand.net/2009/03/16/women-inspired-to-stop-domesic-violence/

Go watch her vlog; good stuff!

I have 1 girl, 2 boys. My thoughts:

*My husband, all 6’4″ of him, is one of the kindest people I’ve ever known. He was raised to be a gentleman, to use his size to protect and not harm (except for football!), and to this day he and his mom are still very close. It matters how boys are raised and a man that loves and respects his mom is a man who will love and respect you.

*I would never stay with someone who cheated on me or worse, hit me. Period.

*I raise my boys (5 and 3) to be gentleman as well; my 5 y o has been holding the door for others and helping carry the groceries (all those little things matter) for a long while now.

I keep hoping to see a headline, “Tina Turner Calls Rhianna, Tells Her to Get Real Already,” but that hasn’t happened yet.

Take care.

Listen to me jabbering like I know anything. I don’t really.

Anyways, about raising my own boys and girl (and hopefully more girls), we teach them and hopefully they’ll keep it with them always, that we are ALL children of God. And to keep that respect.

I like what Azucar says “Are you willing to accept the responsibility that how your husband treats you is how your daughters will seek to be treated?

It’s scary, because people can change, and not always for the better, but there are always signs. It’s never (that I know of) a case of people changing overnight. So you determine what you will and won’t put up with beforehand, and you demand that people live up to that. And you don’t put up with crap because your covenants are important to you. You demand better because your covenants are important to you.

Sarah (and others who have boys –Alisa, Adrianne, etc) — Thank you for saying this. I don’t have any sons, but if I did, I hope I’d raise them as you suggest. One thing I’ve become aware of lately — I’m in cub scouts through church, and I always thought that would be a crappy calling, since my girls obviously aren’t in cub scouts.

But I love it. I tear up when I see those little boys reciting the Scout oath and doing the flag ceremony. It’s so worth it! It’s worth my time to do any little thing towards raising boys well, because these are the boys my daughters will be dating.

I cringe when I watch movies like He’s Just Not That Into You and Jarhead, bec. we do seem to have lowered our standards for boys. We accept the “boys will be boys” line and we don’t require manners and respect and sensitivity. Some parents do, of course, and I thank them for that.

While this is an important and vital question, as a community this is not enough, it is like treating the symptom, not the disease! A good defense, but not a complete solution.

We have to get back to basics and teach our boys, as many of you have said, by modeling healthy relationships. Not just spousal relationships, ALL relationships. Relationships of respect, courtesy, service, compassion, and collaboration – not just towards women, but towards ALL people.

I went through an abusive relationship, my mother blamed herself. What about my mother-in-law? Well, I had a six month old baby at the time I exposed my husbands activities. My mother in law was silent for days. Finally, after praying about it, she suggested I seek professional help and medication for my POST PARTUM DEPRESSION. I was hormonally imbalance. She never once, to this day, has expressed any concern over what she could have done different as a mother of a son.

I can not tell you how many times I have heard “I’m so glad I don’t have girls,” in relation to dating or domestic violence. Is that because our society has releived the parents of boys from the responsibly of raising them to treat the opposite sex with compassion and respect? Is it really up to the parents of girls to raise them to know what to put up with and when to run?

I don’t think so. I can still hear my boys little voices saying “girls go first,” as they struggled to hold open a door at the grocery.

I left my marriage, not because my mom did or did not raise me to put up with or walk away from abuse, but because as a mother of two little boys, I never wanted to hear them say “was it my fault?” knowing damn well that it was and it was because I exposed them to it.

The best way to produce a girl who refuses to be abused is a father who cherishes her mother. Oh, and making sure your daughters are educated and loved so that they don’t need to depend on an unhealthy relationship for emotional or financial support.

Which brings me to my next point. I now have a husband that is so kind and gentle and so true to me and his covenants that I am amazed that I ever was in such bad relationships. I know he will never walk out on me, not because he isn’t a man that is tempted by normal things men are tempted by, but because he is determined not to give into those types of temptations and he works hard not to be.

I hope that if I ever have girls that they will recognize that their dad treats their mom with respect and love and hopefully they will know it when they see it in someone they are dating. And I hope my boys will see that they need to respect girls because they see their father respect their mom.