When my sister’s husband walked out on her and their three children, aged five, three, and one, my sister was shattered. I held her as she cried that day, and I raged that a man could be so careless with the heart and the lives that were given in trust to him.
It’s been a year now, and my sister is stronger. Harder, in some ways, and still soft and vulnerable in others. She risks becoming a bit emotionally careless herself as she negotiates new relationships. Power, the power of being the one who cares less, the one who loves less, the one who needs less, because one is damaged or hurting or scared, or simply, carefully, guarded, is the only real power there is. Relationships become a zero-sum game, where the one who won’t cooperate with a partner who longs to cooperate, wins.
And then there’s the specter of domestic violence. The Rihanna – Chris Brown thing horrifies me. Not only because of what happened, though that is terrible enough. But for the reactions of teenage girls to the alleged attacks. (Alleged, yet heavily substantiated by photographs, police reports, and Chris Brown’s own statements.)
In the paper today, there are quotes from ninth graders speculating that Rihanna “probably made him mad for him to react like that” and that Chris Brown shouldn’t be punished because she took him back:
“So he shouldn’t get into trouble if she doesn’t feel that way,” one girl said. “She probably feels bad that it was her fault, so she took him back.”
My sister was willing, even eager, to take her husband back. She was ready, even eager, to forgive him for infidelity and abandonment and narcissistic disregard for the feelings of everyone around him.
And she changed herself. First, unwillingly losing twenty pounds (that she didn’t need to lose) because she was too sick to eat, and her stomach too sick to digest what she could choke down. Then she bought flattering clothes and highlighted her hair (as I’d been nagging her to do), and wore more makeup and remembered earrings more often.
She wondered if it was her fault.
My beautiful, sweet, innocent, loving, trusting, sacrificing, and forgiving sister wondered if it was her fault.
Do you have any idea what I would do if Dick beat me or he left me? Words fail me.
I stake my life, my hopes and dreams and my children, on the belief that Dick will never betray me, or us. There are men who are worthy of the hearts and lives that we entrust them with. Men who honor covenants and who would sooner hurt themselves than strike a woman or a child.
How do I guard my daughters against the others? How do I teach them, if I cannot protect them from the betrayers? If I, and they, cannot expect to recognize the danger, because betrayers often don’t start out that way?
How do I love them and sculpt them enough so that I never hear them wonder: Was it my fault?
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Theoretical question or do you want opinions?
I think it starts with understanding that no matter what anyone says or does to us, it’s not personal unless we make it so.
Also, I think our girls learn by example. I think I deserve the best. I’m not always the best myself but deep down, even when I say “I’m not worthy”, I believe I’m still glorious and I deserve all that Jude does for me. I think that’s an attitude my daughters will pick up. If we display insecurity regularly, jealousy, competitiveness, then our daughters will pick that up. They’ll see that being a woman is a competition and they’ll struggle to feel good enough.
Both – rhetorical, and I do want opinions.
One thing I read that struck me were descriptions of Rhianna’s family as very supportive, etc. I have no idea what her life/family are like, as I’ve never paid attention to her till now, but I do know that my sister was raised very similarly to me. We were loved, taught truth, secure. So part of my fear is that no matter what we do, there is room for this doubt, especially on the part of our daughters.
My mother’s second husband was physically and emotionally abusive. Over and over again she forgave him and begged my brothers and I to do the same. It was horrible.
When she finally left him, we snuck out while he was at work, we moved to another state and she never stood up to him. For some reason that was significant to me, I always thought she was weak because of it. I vowed to never marry, maybe because I didn’t trust myself to be stronger than she had been, but that’s a completely different therapy session.
I did marry and I have a daughter and I have sons, I don’t even have any idea if I am teaching them the right things. What I want to do, what I hope I am doing, is teach them they are significant and valuable, and to treat others with the same dignity and respect that they should expect for themselves. There are just so many things in life you can’t be prepared for and so many different ways of being controlled by another person. It is my greatest desire for them to be safe and happy in life. I would love to know the secret to insuring it.
I could make an entire blog post on my very same concerns. Mine also based on watching both my mother, and my sister continuously take men back that didn’t deserve to be taken back. I’ve listen to them in tears saying how much they hurt, and then turn around and say it was their fault, and they needed to change.
All I can say, is I will teach my daughter the same values I held for myself. Two things I promised myself while growing up and searching for love: no man will ever abuse me (not more than once anyway), and I wouldn’t be fooled into thinking I ever had to depend on a man. (I mean in a bad way. I depend deeply on my husband, but it’s in a healthy way.) All you can do is teach your girls to value themselves, and then just be there for them when they fall. No doubt in my mind they’ll grow up exceptional women, as I get the feeling from you that you are an exceptional mother.
Beautiful. I think about those things, too. And I have no answers.
I’ve observed enough abusive/failed relationships that I have retreated to become perhaps too independent. I know that to love someone is a risk – but is it possible to completely TRUST your significant other/spouse? Can you ever completely let go of your fear of being betrayed – or – do you keep the “power of less interest” in your back pocket forever? What do you do to overcome that fear and doubt? Sorry for all the questions – but thanks for your thoughts!
I haven’t read all the comments so I might repeat someone but first I want to say, “Amen.” Next, as I was reading I thought about my own experiences with bad relationships. I have written about it a little on my own blog but really, I was in a relationship with two different men that didn’t treat me very well. I didn’t have a good self confidence and I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I even thought it was my fault. They weren’t physically abusive nor where they purposely emotionally abusive but they didn’t respect me enough to treat me differently. I have written about those experiences in my journal and now, I am both sad and happy that I wrote about them at the time. On the one hand, I’m sad that my children might some day read those entries and see clearly that I was so uncertain of my worth at the time. But I am also happy that they will read it and maybe learn from my mistakes.
Which brings me to my next point. I now have a husband that is so kind and gentle and so true to me and his covenants that I am amazed that I ever was in such bad relationships. I know he will never walk out on me, not because he isn’t a man that is tempted by normal things men are tempted by, but because he is determined not to give into those types of temptations and he works hard not to be.
I hope that if I ever have girls that they will recognize that their dad treats their mom with respect and love and hopefully they will know it when they see it in someone they are dating. And I hope my boys will see that they need to respect girls because they see their father respect their mom.
My job is to make sure my sons grow up knowing how to be a good man, husband and father. Then maybe we can set them up with your daughters.
I’m sorry, I’m just not having a serious day. This is serious. I think the most important thing you can do is make sure they know who they can always turn to. He is the example of what a man should be.
I think the only option is to talk about it and to model the behavior you want in your children. Your relationship with your spouse is what your children will probably try to recreate. Are you willing to accept the responsibility that how your husband treats you is how your daughters will seek to be treated?
The best way to produce a girl who refuses to be abused is a father who cherishes her mother. Oh, and making sure your daughters are educated and loved so that they don’t need to depend on an unhealthy relationship for emotional or financial support.
I have three boys and I pray that my husband and I have enough influence on them that they do not grow up to be abusive in any way. As you worry about your daughters being abused I worry about my sons not respecting women. I hope that we can do our part to keep your daughters safe.
As a society, I think over the last couple of decades, the focus has been what you are asking…. “how do I gaurd my daughter against others?”
While this is an important and vital question, as a community this is not enough, it is like treating the symptom, not the disease! A good defense, but not a complete solution.
We have to get back to basics and teach our boys, as many of you have said, by modeling healthy relationships. Not just spousal relationships, ALL relationships. Relationships of respect, courtesy, service, compassion, and collaboration – not just towards women, but towards ALL people.
I went through an abusive relationship, my mother blamed herself. What about my mother-in-law? Well, I had a six month old baby at the time I exposed my husbands activities. My mother in law was silent for days. Finally, after praying about it, she suggested I seek professional help and medication for my POST PARTUM DEPRESSION. I was hormonally imbalance. She never once, to this day, has expressed any concern over what she could have done different as a mother of a son.
I can not tell you how many times I have heard “I’m so glad I don’t have girls,” in relation to dating or domestic violence. Is that because our society has releived the parents of boys from the responsibly of raising them to treat the opposite sex with compassion and respect? Is it really up to the parents of girls to raise them to know what to put up with and when to run?
I don’t think so. I can still hear my boys little voices saying “girls go first,” as they struggled to hold open a door at the grocery.
I left my marriage, not because my mom did or did not raise me to put up with or walk away from abuse, but because as a mother of two little boys, I never wanted to hear them say “was it my fault?” knowing damn well that it was and it was because I exposed them to it.
Stella — I think you have to trust, trust in God and trust in the mate that He chooses for you.
I like what Azucar says “Are you willing to accept the responsibility that how your husband treats you is how your daughters will seek to be treated?
It’s scary, because people can change, and not always for the better, but there are always signs. It’s never (that I know of) a case of people changing overnight. So you determine what you will and won’t put up with beforehand, and you demand that people live up to that. And you don’t put up with crap because your covenants are important to you. You demand better because your covenants are important to you.
Sarah (and others who have boys –Alisa, Adrianne, etc) — Thank you for saying this. I don’t have any sons, but if I did, I hope I’d raise them as you suggest. One thing I’ve become aware of lately — I’m in cub scouts through church, and I always thought that would be a crappy calling, since my girls obviously aren’t in cub scouts.
But I love it. I tear up when I see those little boys reciting the Scout oath and doing the flag ceremony. It’s so worth it! It’s worth my time to do any little thing towards raising boys well, because these are the boys my daughters will be dating.
I cringe when I watch movies like He’s Just Not That Into You and Jarhead, bec. we do seem to have lowered our standards for boys. We accept the “boys will be boys” line and we don’t require manners and respect and sensitivity. Some parents do, of course, and I thank them for that.
I think, as a woman myself, we are more vulnerable and internalize things. That is one reason I fear for my daughter. I’m raising three boys and one girl and who knows who else on the way. They are all being taught respect for self and respect for others. But I tend to think that my daughter would be the one to ask herself repeatedly, “Is it my fault?” if something were to happen. I think boys maybe have an easier time of letting it roll off their backs. And it’s also about the cycle of abuse. Your sister has come such a long way in this year and I’m so proud of her. But that pain will likely be there a long time- even after she thinks it’s gone. When her daughters marry- she will likely remember it. When her daughters have been married 8 years- she’ll remember it then too and possibly worry more. But as long as she’s aware that wants she feels healed it doesn’t mean it will never, EVER hurt her again, and she’s open to that, she’ll probably do fine.
Listen to me jabbering like I know anything. I don’t really.
Anyways, about raising my own boys and girl (and hopefully more girls), we teach them and hopefully they’ll keep it with them always, that we are ALL children of God. And to keep that respect.
Jane, did you see Monica’s (Paper Bridges) vlog here about her mom and how her mom left her first husband because of physical abuse? Very powerful tribute to the strength of her mom; watch if you have time.
I have 1 girl, 2 boys. My thoughts:
*My husband, all 6’4″ of him, is one of the kindest people I’ve ever known. He was raised to be a gentleman, to use his size to protect and not harm (except for football!), and to this day he and his mom are still very close. It matters how boys are raised and a man that loves and respects his mom is a man who will love and respect you.
*I would never stay with someone who cheated on me or worse, hit me. Period.
*I raise my boys (5 and 3) to be gentleman as well; my 5 y o has been holding the door for others and helping carry the groceries (all those little things matter) for a long while now.
I keep hoping to see a headline, “Tina Turner Calls Rhianna, Tells Her to Get Real Already,” but that hasn’t happened yet.
Take care.
Forgot the linky from Monica:
http://monicabrand.net/2009/03/16/women-inspired-to-stop-domesic-violence/
Go watch her vlog; good stuff!
What’s even worse – I wonder about the mothers who parent the sons that do these things. I also worry not for my daughter, but we have all heard the stories where a man has a “midlife crisis” with no warning and walks out on his family, leaving his wife with no financial support.
A school around here did a thing about domestic violence to try to teach teens that it’s never the abusee’s fault. I hope it got through to a few people.
This is actually one of the reasons we’ve decided not to spank our children. I don’t want them to ever learn that ANYONE is allowed to hurt them- and especially not the people they are supposed to trust. I’ve heard people (and I’ve been this person) say, “I was spanked, but only when I deserved it.” I look back at why I ever thought that. I don’t want my children to ever feel like they deserved to be hurt.
Ultimately, I’d like my children to learn that just as we are supposed to act as if we ourselves are Christ- they should also treat everyone else as if they are also Christ. I’m definitely not perfect in this, but that’s why the song is called, “I’m TRYING to be like Jesus.”
This is good stuff! I think I could probably write a whole book on it. However, for now I will just work on raising my three daughters. Maybe someday though. Anyway, I had a multitude of thoughts as I read through this post and all 17 of the comments above, but the one thing that keeps coming to mind is the powerful influence of mothers. I think of the 2000 Stripling Warriors in The Book of Mormon and how it was their mothers who taught them to trust in God and have great faith. I think that the power of the Gospel and of trust in God is unestimatable (if that’s a word). Maybe immeasurable, is better. My point is, I believe that there is no more powerful tool that we can give/teach/be an example of to our daughters than a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and of the power of prayer and revelation. If our daughters know to turn to their Heavenly Father, then they will know where they stand in God’s eyes (the only eyes who see it all), they will know who they are, and they will know of their worth. If they are in a bad relationship, they will know if they need to run, or if they should stick it out a while longer and be a “Savior on Mount Zion” (C. Terry Warner). All they (we, or anyone, for that matter) have to do is ask! Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you.” Prayer works!–and I’ll just leave it at that.
I am the mother of three little girls and long lost childhood friend of Jane. She is the only reason I survived middle school! One thing that I think is crucial and often overlooked by parents is the need for our daughters/sons to have good friends. I’m not saying that friends determine everthing about the choices made by girls in adolescence and young adulthood– but they do influence so much about their self-worth. The two of my 7 sibling who have made terrible relationship choices also happen to be the two who had bad high school friends and low self-esteem. Just a thought.
Also, has anyone out there ever read the book “Reviving Ophelia, Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls” by Mary Pipher? I haven’t actually read all of it, but I have read enough to be terrified for my girls to be teenagers. Enough so, that I’ve even contemplated homeschooling my children (totally not like me). The main idea behind the book is that somewhere between childhood and adolescence “girls stop being and start seeming.” I for one want my girls to always be able to make decisions based on who they really are, and that being a Daughter of God with immense promise and worth.
Jane, I also cringed watching He’s Just Not That Into You.
It was a horrible movie, I sat through to the end hoping I’d feel better about it, all the while, but I never did!
As far as how to protect daughters from the bad ones, I also wish I knew how. I’ve tried to instill in my little boy that his best friend, his sister, should be respected. I’ve tried to teach her that she deserves respect and that she should always stand up for herself and speak up when something isn’t right. What else can we do?
I think that as parents, we need to encourage our child to expect respect. When I contrast my relationship with my husband to those I experienced previously, respect is one of the biggest differences I can put words to. My only long-term (a year or so, I think, I choose not to remember too many details, and what does it matter now!) relationship before our relationship lacked that respect. On some level, I was physically afraid of that man, in the sense that I knew he was stronger than me, and I felt that at some stage I might be on the receiving end of that strength. I know my husband is stronger than me, but I don’t have that kind of fear that he will ever use his physical strength in a negative way.
Some comments on this post reminded me of a church youth camp we were leaders at a few years ago. The guest speaker, a woman I had known and admired during the start of my journey in the Anglican world, got up 3 or so days into the 5 day camp, and spent some time apologising (though that’s not quite the right word) about the way she had been talking about young men in the previous days. From my pro-woman standpoint, I hadn’t realised that certain pro-woman statements she had been making were coming across to the young men as though they were all horrid, selfish, abusive, hormonal creatures.
My parents split up when I was two, and my Mother raised me. I saw my Dad every second weekend, and maybe a bit more over holidays (vacation). He remarried, and after a number of years and three children, that marriage failed. Dad has now been married again for 15 years (record so far!
). Mum has never remarried, though she has been in a relationship for over 20 years.
When I was younger, I knew I wanted children, but didn’t want to get married. I never fantasised about a wedding, dress, or any of that. After what had happened to my parents, how could I know what to do to keep a relationship together? I think being able to model healthy relationships to our kids is one of the greatest things we can do. Let them see fights (so they know not to go to their room and pack a bag and choose which parent they’re going with – my BF did this the two times her parents fought when she was young!!), let them see love, let them see respect, let them see partnership, let them see you supporting one another, let them know they are loved and adored and any person who wants to be in their life had better meet those standards.
I feel for your sister. A cynical corner of me wonders if we can ever truly protect our children from partners who don’t deserve them, who suddenly one day leave, or have a secret incestuous family living in the basement. But it’s our job as parents to try. If only there was a five-point safety harness we could install on our children’s lives.
Oh Kirsty’s comment hit home with me in a certain way. My father passed away when I was 3, so my mom was single during my formative years, and consequently, I also don’t think I understood what a relationship is SUPPOSED to look like. When I was a teen, she remarried after a 2 month courtship, but there were very serious problems/borderline abuse (I left for a time and lived with friends), until they divorced.
My cynical feelings about relationships now seem to revolve around my paranoia that he is: not being genuine/wants a way out and doesn’t know how to say it/is being unfaithful.
Even when these fears are unfounded, they are there (probably because of the 2 highly dysfunctional, though not physically abusive, dating relationships I’ve had). I do take my share of the blame, though, because I feel like I should have been wise enough to see these things for what they were.
I do not have girls but I do have 2 wonderful boys. My husband and I are trying to raise them to be good, hard working, and loving men. The kind of man who would never raise a hand to a woman. The kind of man who would lay down his life before betraying his wife.
That being said, I don’t have issues with forgiveness of transgressions. If a man or woman is unfaithful, I believe that it can be worked through. Keeping a family together should be our priority whenever possible. Sometimes it takes more strength to forgive than to move on.
Please don’t misunderstand. I don’t mean women should take back and abusive man. Not by any means. But each situation needs to be looked at closely by the people involved to see if there is a chance for repair. Especially in the case of infidelity. This is such a common transgression now. If the offending spouse is truly repentant… don’t we our it to ourselves and our family to work it out?
I also understand that each case is different and my ideals would not work for everyone. This is just my personal opinion and a choice I would make if the situation ever arose in my home. I do not judge others for their decisions because I have never walked in their shoes. Every person needs to pray for guidance and choose the path that is best for their family.
Oops… one of my our’s should have been owe. I guess I should learn to proof read. Feel free to publicly stone me.
Wow. Interesting stuff. I’ve always thought that a lot had to do with how Dad treats Mom and how Dad loves his daughters. However, in our family, Dad DOES love Mom, has showed it, and definately loves his daughters, yet my middle daughter persists in dating a young man who has cheated on her twice already, cheated on every girl he’s ever gone out with, but somehow keeps convincing her he’s “changed” and he loves her. I thought I raised strong daughter who know they don’t “need” a man in their lives, who have plans and goals (she does) that are healthy and strong – and yet here we are. Some smooth talking charmer, has her convinced that she can’t do better.
My heart is breaking in pieces for her, yet whatever I say, just drives her further to him. It’s awful. So, Jane, I have no idea how we raise daughters that don’t attract to that kind of man. I thought I had – but here we are.
Heather
I just called to say I love you. Seriously. I’m so thrilled to have found some literary meat to add to my soft foods only diet. UBP ’09, rox.