So, on the breastfeeding. If you don’t do it because you hate it or it’s painful or you adopted or you have to go back to work 79 hours a day to feed your other kids or what have you, great. (If you have the opportunity but never even give it a try, I’m honestly probably gonna think you suck a little bit).
But if you give it a shot, and it’s not for you, then, GREAT.
Because there are mothering things that are not for me, and I will not accept judgment or disapproval for them. I will not be ashamed that I don’t do them, I won’t apologize to my children or my husband or my mother or the world that I don’t do them.
(Want to know what they are?) (I’ll tell you anyway).
I don’t co-sleep. The president of the American Academy of Pediatricians (or that awful Dr. Sears, either one) could stand before and tell me that my baby would be better off if I co-slept, and I would still not do it, because I flipping HATE co-sleeping. I cannot sleep when I co-sleep. I cannot LIVE when I don’t get sleep, and I (ME, not you) don’t sleep when I co-sleep.
(bottom line?)
I WOULD DROWN MY CHILDREN IN THE BATHTUB IF I CO-SLEPT.
Okay? So it’s probably better, right, that we don’t? I mean, RIGHT?
I don’t babywear. Well, I do, for an hour or two here and there if necessary before they weigh 15 pounds, which, for my kids (remember, Jersey milk cow, here?) is around 3-4 months. After that. FORGET IT. MY FREAKING, ACHING BACK. (pass me some Motrin, lol).
I don’t supervise homework. I was completely obsessive about my own homework as a kid (not my mom’s fault, she got me ocean-sounds relaxation tapes from the therapist). And now that I’ve got a 2nd grader, I’m actually morally opposed to the very idea of homework, and when she gets older, she can dang well do her homework or not, it’s up to her.
I’m sure I could think of more things, but we’ve got to go get in the car to pick up Dick and have our usual Friday family fun, which includes greasy Mexican food (probably, though McDonalds is always a possibility), a trip to Deseret Industries (thrift store where everyone gets ONE toy and FIVE books each), and then the dollar theater, where Bedtime Stories is playing.
But here’s what I wish for (since world peace seems a bit ambitious).
Wish: That we women could both share our own experiences and receive others’ experiences without judgement. (Because I’m also not going to apologize for loving breastfeeding and wanting to share how wonderful it was FOR ME.)
Gratitude: That we each get to live our own lives. I get to live with my very own rockstar-nerd husband, and my very own cute-whiny daughters, and my very own awesome strengths and near-fatal flaws.
Oh, and what I’m really grateful for is an omnipotent, omniscient Father in Heaven who gave me kids who like to breastfeed, since I like to breastfeed, and kids who sleep very well on their own, since I sleep very well on my own, and kids who are attached to me, since I can’t stand a fabric attachment and kids who (so far) do well in school without me checking off worksheets.
My real only hope is that God matches all of us with kids who we can mother, somehow, because of what IS within us, whatever else may be missing.
How about you?
Jane
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I love how you closed this.
My kids aren’t all well-matched to me. But mostly. I’m so glad that the Lord didn’t give me a bunch of hyper destructive little boys. I’d kill myself.
I absolutely can’t sleep when my babies are in the crib or another room. I’m on edge, waiting for them to wake up and every sound I hear seems like it’s the beginning of waking. So, I nursed them while I slept and it was great. Jude liked co-sleeping too. Until about 9 months and then we kicked them out and only brought them in in the middle of the night.
I didn’t baby wear much. I have scoliosis. I had to wear Josie all the time when she was a baby. She was miserable from day one. Other than that, I didn’t do it for more than an hour or two a day.
I loved these last two posts. Jane—-you crack me up and humor me so! I adore breastfeeding and probably let it last far too long. (One of my flaws.) I loved reading your post about it and was glad you decided to share. This post made me feel human. I have my mommy flaws too. Don’t bath my kids every day. I spank when needed. I don’t speak in a soft voice all the time. And I am okay with that.
And on that note…..the co-sleeping thing is for the birds. Literally!
I hated co-sleeping. Jooj was freaking loud. Snorking and snuffling all night. And I hate that she is intent on sneaking into my bed every night now that she is 4. I hate having her feet in my crack.
I have just recently taken on the no supervision of homework stance. I haven’t been really good about it for quite some time…but I usually end up hurting relationships when I supervise the homework. Or else, just doing it for them…which at this point in time (past the science project and wax museum phase), serves no one.
I feel a lot of guilt about it too.
But I’m trying not to.
Well said. I agree, why can’t we share our mothering experiences without some sort of fear of being judged? Being a new mother, and overly sensitive I often based what I did or believed I should do for kids on what others said. As my kids get older, I mature, and realize I can make the right choices (for MY family) on my own I don’t let others ideas of “the right things for your children” (keyword being your as in MINE not yours) raise mine.
Anyway, I could have just went with, I love your post. =)
My kids always napped and started the night in their own cribs. However, I would bring them into bed when I nursed. Mostly because I was tired and lazy. Who would have known that my laziness would spark a parenting trend?
Me=sloth=baby sometimes you have to sit in your swing.
My kids are 11 and 13 so dicusding homework may send me into convulsions.
Can’t comment on the homework yet, but hey, you do what works for you. I love using slings, but I didn’t necessarily wear my daughter 24/7 all the time, especially as she got heavier. When she was tiny, I loved to have her in the sling a lot though–couldn’t stand to not be holding her! That said, I’d still lay her down quite sometimes when she slept, depending on what I was up to.
One point I’m not sure I got across is that I can totally imagine reading a post or article by a lovely woman about how the time that she spends discussing cosines with her son are a great bonding moment and that she really feels that helping him succeed in school, that way, is a great way to be a mother.
Just because these things are not for me, doesn’t mean I don’t think they’re for other people, AND doesn’t mean I wouldn’t enjoy reading women who revel in co-sleeping or babywearing, etc.
Since I’m okay with not doing it myself, I don’t have to be defensive when I read someone else who enjoys it, you know?
I think if everyone had your open, welcoming attitude, it would be easier for us to share, so thank you for that. Am I wrong in believing it has become much more competitive for women?
I loved co-sleeping when my children were under a year of age. It worked for me because I was one of those unfortunate moms that didn’t produce a lot of milk but wanted/loved breastfeeding. Therefore they were hungry more often and didn’t sleep well. So it was easier for them and me to have them in our kingsized bed. And I should mention that my husband loved having them near as well, so that wasn’t a problem. But after a year I wanted them out, he didn’t. It took three years to get my way. Now they all sleep well and in their own beds.
I am a wannabe teacher of my children. When my first child was 2 I started recieving the Brighter Vision packages in the mail every 6 weeks. It included a beautiful book, workbook, puzzle or craft and a cassette tape of music. He loved it as much as me, and now that two of my children are in school I try and keep up with what they are learning so I can reinforce it at home (I am probably learning more than they are). I never thought of it this way before, but now that you mention it, it does make me feel like a better mother. Because I am a terrible cook, house and structure-keeper (unless it revolves around learning/reading/etc).
did I type recieving? you know I meant receiving. This stuff bothers me, that I proofread after I post the material. Sorry.
I wish I was more able to adopt your attitude. Sometimes I find myself avoiding certain topics with people who feel differently than I do just to avoid being judged. Sometimes in my efforts to empathize with other mothers I will apologize for my opinion or way of doing things. Kind of pathetic when I think about it. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
I truly think your wishes and hopes are the key to whirled peas.
Great post Jane! I love these kind of chats (the initial post and all the comments, of course). I don’t have kids in school yet, but I am definitely pro- co-sleeping and baby-wearing. I didn’t actually wear my babies as much as I thought I would–they’re heavy little suckers–but I think that it’s a beautiful concept. A continuation of the womb at first, then a way to help your child develop emotionally, etc. until they feel secure enough on their own. Truth be told, I never wore my babies all day long, or even for more than a few hours a day, but it was REALLY nice having a Baby Bjorn for working around the house and outings with the littlest munchkin. I love the new baby carriers they have out now–neat wraps, and pouches, etc. I think for this next baby (at least a year away from conception) I will get me one of the ‘latest and greatest’ kangaroo pouches, or maybe a wrap, I dunno, yet. I’ve still got time–and who knows what they will have come up with by then.
With co-sleeping, I was unsure of what I would do until I had my first. I had my opinions though (like every mother, and non-mother, in America) and I thought that I was opposed to co-sleeping. I figured that for sure it would get in the way of intimacy (which it totally does, but on the upside, it forces you and your spouse to be more creative, which is fun). Well, it turns out that the complete opposite is true (if you couldn’t already tell). It was actually my husband who got us started on co-sleeping. He has always been in school and/or worked long hours, so nighttime was his time to snuggle with the babies. He LOVED it! At first, I totally hated it (except for the breastfeeding part–that I found to be completely convenient) they were always tickling me and crowding me out of sufficient sleeping space. Over time though, I grew to love it and began to enjoy the snuggling as much as my husband did. We don’t co-sleep solely or have a ‘family bed’ or anything, but when they’re babies it’s nice and convenient (most of the time).
Posts like this are SO great 1) because I love to know the flaws of other moms. I hope that doesn’t come out wrong. The reason why I love to know them, is because it actually helps me to feel better about my short-comings as a mom, and woman in general. There are times when I feel like the worst mother in the world, and it really helps to know that other mom’s sometimes feel that way too, and have slip-ups and insecurities of their own. 2) because (kind of a continuation of #1) I think it is so important for moms to come together and talk about what matters to them, and the more differences of opinion, the better. It’s fun and reassuring to find people who agree with you and who do the same things as you do, but I think that it’s also fun, and educational, to see both/all sides and to hear first-hand experiences about doing things differently. Maybe it’s just me, but I think mommy discussions like this are GREAT! Thanks Jane, for being the forum in which we go through to connect and discuss all of these fabulous topics!
I didn’t co-sleep, and after the first few nights, I didn’t even have M in her basinette in our room, just not enough space. But I then spent weeks 2-4 of her life sleeping on the couch every night, back up a bit, with M cradled in my arms sleeping. So, as long as she was little enough, I could sleep with her in my arms. Then I got enough strength to deal with teaching her to get to sleep in a way that worked for all of us.
I can’t be a full-time stay at home mum. That was my big thing that made me feel like I’d drown M. Sometimes I feel that’s a bit sad when I read other blogs written by mums who are so definite in their view that being at home is the best thing they can do. But I just don’t have that passion. I’m glad other mothers do.
I hope I can convey to my friend that I don’t think her routine thing is crazy, just that being too restricted didn’t work for me. If I tried to follow some kind of “feed 9am, play, sleep 11am” or whatever routine, I would go beserk if everything didn’t happen right on schedule. So I eventually realised that for me, a routine is a predictable (mainly) sequence of events, not a timetable. We talked about this at another friend’s baby shower last week, and I think she felt I was against routines. I’m not, I just either have to operate with military precision (and my DH has his own time zone, so that just doesn’t work) or give in to it and make it what works for us. I don’t deny a time-based routine worked for her, but we’re different mums, with different daughters, and what we did/figured out, worked for each of us (yay for us!).
On your point about God matching us with children we can mother – I so hope this is true. I look at two friends with very sick children, and I hope to myself every time that God is not giving them more than they can handle. I guess in a way, the severely multi-food allergic child has been given to the mother with a science/biology PhD (I’m talking a 5 1/2 yo who can only eat 5-7 foods – he eats too much of anything else, he’s in hospital) and the mum with some health issues herself has got two girls who’ve been in hospital more times than I’ve visited people in hospital. When I marvel at them dealing with sick kids, I hope God is giving them strength, and not too much for them deal with.
You’re lucky that you haven’t yet had a little one who screams and throws himself on the floor while you make dinner (for say, thirty-five minutes?) or bangs his head on the walls while you clean (or don’t clean, and instead check your emails). Maybe it’s from all the co-sleeping we did, but if some kids are predisposed to needing to be held and your next one happens to drive you nuts with this trait– find a carrier that doesn’t cause you aches and pains.
Well said.
Thanks for all the comments on this and the last post.
I’m not sure if I expressed myself well, but I want to just emphasize a couple of things:
When I listed the mothering things I don’t do, I wasn’t saying those are my flaws, anymore than I would say that not-breastfeeding (for example) is a flaw in another woman.
My flaws are: yelling, impatience, selfishness, overeating, pride, and many others.
Not-babywearing and not-co-sleeping and not-homework-supervising are NOT my flaws. They are perfect for me and my family (right now) and my embracing of the style of mothering that works well for us is one of my strengths.
Along these same lines, I am neither pro nor anti cosleeping, babywearing, or homework supervising.
I am not even pro-breastfeeding per se. What I AM is pro-breastfeed-in-public-without-shame and pro-brestfeeding-support-for-women-who-need-help/encouragement/a listening ear.
I am pro-women-figuring-out-how-to-be-the-best-mother-they-can-be. And it frustrates me no end whenever we (ME, I) are defensive OR judgemental.
When I was a young mother, I was very pro some stuff and very anti other stuff. The older I get, the more I realize that I actually don’t know everything. This has been a shock, but I’m getting used to it. Slowly.
Did I say flaws? Just omit that. Silly me. What I meant was: I like to know other moms–what they do, how they do it, why the do it, etc. I totally agree with you on the whole “the older I get the more I realize that I actually don’t know everything”. It’s been a shock to me too, but has actually been quite aleviating to admit. I don’t have to be perfect; I don’t have to be like other moms. I just have to be me, do what is right for me, and take care of my family the best way I know how.
It is pretty earth shattering when I/you find out I/you don’t know it all.
It takes a little pressure off, though.
no, Julia, it’s okay — I used the word “flaws” — I just wanted to clarify.
Thanks especially for the last part of your first comment!
I don’t know if I’ve ever read a better mothering post. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you.
I breast fed my first. I had humongous pendulous breasts. I had to feed her while she lay in my lap because my breasts were so immensely large. And that was before my milk came in.
I had a breast reduction. Best day of my life. Perky, pretty, non-pendulous breasts. Ahhh, back relief.
Baby number 2 came along. I was Heck bent on breastfeeding her, too, despite the fact that few mothers can do so after a reduction. I fed her, and then pumped, then supplemented, then fed, then pumped, all the while trying to sleep and eat and take care of my 4 year old. I threw in the towel at 4 months. No regrets.
Baby number 3 arrives, and I decide to try it yet again. What? Like it didn’t learn the first time? So I fed and pumped and supplemented and pumped and fed, and I did this for 6 weeks. And it was the best 6 weeks of my life. I knew it was harder for me than other moms, but I knew I was doing it the best I could. Those moments when I could relax and let her nuzzle at the breast (still perky, btw) were the most wonderful moments of motherhood.
The thought of never having more kids isn’t too hard for me to deal with. The thought of never breastfeeding, however it goes down, is the part I struggle with.
So for those moms that choose to breast feed their kids into college, good for you. It is never easy, and there is no “right” time to stop, or not. If you have to give up because it’s hard, so what. Give up. Your babies will be fine.
And I don’t co-sleep either. I even detest sleeping with my hubby, let alone a squeaky stinky infant.
“My real only hope is that God matches all of us with kids who we can mother, somehow, because of what IS within us, whatever else may be missing.” Can I cross stitch that and put it on my wall? Well, if I cross-stitched, which I don’t. You’ve expressed something I’ve thought a lot about but not with the clarity that you have. What I enjoy so much from your blog (and attempt to achieve on mine) is a guilt and judgment free zone. Those are honestly what I think are the two biggest things that satan uses to bring down women, and set them against each other. So for example, I read about your breastfeeding and was with you 100%. That was so ME. And then I read about you and co-sleeping and that was so not me but I was still with you 100%. Why? Because that works for you and I KNEW that you weren’t judging me because I like it and it worked for me. Am I making any sense?
That is what I need to remind myself of with my Heavenly Father. I have a son who cannot do his homework by himself but it is a pain to help him. But my Heavenly Father is not judging me because of that. He knows I’m doing my best. So thanks for being that kind of friend.
This also reminds me of when I talked to this girl a while ago at our girls game night. She is now homeschooling and was talking to us about it and I mentioned that it just wouldn’t work for me and my kids. I even prayed about it and knew it wasn’t the right thing. She then told me that I was wrong, that those are MY kids, sent to ME from above, and that if there is anyone who can teach them it is ME because they’re MINE. So what if we didn’t have schools, etc? I told her that if say, we lived in pioneer times and we didn’t have public schools that I’d send them out in the fields with Daddy as soon as they could walk. And that would be their education.
I am a teacher, I love to teach, I love children, and yet I know that my kids are not meant to learn with me one on one. That it does not suit them, me or our family to take that course. And yet here is someone making me feel guilty for feeling that way. It’s hard to feel judged. Anyway, now that I have rambled on forever, I just got home from our week long trip to Cali and need to go to bed. But thanks again for this post. Just keep ‘em coming, you seem to say exactly what I need. Hope you had a good week!
all right jane, since you like people to agree with you, i will comment on this post. just this once…
you made a GREAT point in your follow up comments that doing or not doing certain things doesn’t make you a good or bad mother. Who invented the categorization of good and bad mothers, anyway? I remember that when I was single I had all kinds of advice how to raise children. I was petrified when a saw a mother at the mall with a child on the leash, I “knew” she was a bad mother. (As soon as I had my first child, i bought a leash.)
Now that i have 4 children i dont have any advice. We all do things differently to survive, but if we don’t truly neglect or abuse our children we are all good mothers. we also all do things that other mothers wouldn’t do in a million years. my sister lets her children 2 and up, bathe in a FULL bathtub of water all by themselves. no one has ever drowned, maybe because by now they are all pretty good swimmers…
i let my children play outside unsupervised and they get pocket knives for Christmas. they also ride bikes to school all by themselves 2 miles each way. my friends get nervous about my choices and some feel sorry for my children for not getting a car ride in the rain or snow. i respond that at least my children aren’t getting fat (like theirs). (though i omit the last part.)
When my first two children were very young, i decided to make some priorities. I decided that
1.no matter what, everyday i would read scriptures to my kids and pray with them even if everyone was tired or passed out
2.i would always, without fail, hold family home evening
3.I would teach them how to read for fun, before first grade
4.I would feed them only healthy food
5.I would never own a TV
i have to say that i have kept to my 5 priorities religiously. no one’s advice on how i do things matters to me. i know that i do many things “wrong” according to others and they may even consider me a bad mother. i get advice all the time. i usually dont give parenting advice, but point to my kids. if you want yours to turn out like my, do what I do…
oh, and here is a link to my blog if you want to read more about my children…http://sjhardman.blogspot.com/
You’re welcome Jane!
Well nice topics.. I agree we have to do what is best in our mommy role. Im so not the perfect mom, but my kids would tell you different. I think the higher power was right in giving me four boys, as it would have been hard to give me 4 tom-boys.
I didnt breastfeed, and was made to feel so guilty about it for so long. Even when I joined the moms group and there were certain moms who that was all they would condone as feeding. I cant help it if my body doesnt produce milk in both breasts, its not my fault and I tried for a little while and realized that my son wasnt getting enough to survive his health was more important than my want to breastfeed. I have learned to just smile and nod when I get that extremely Im right your wrong breastfeeding mom, its great to be passionate about something but try not to bring those who cant to tears.
Im not a co-sleeper or a baby-wearer(though I did hold my kids alot) Im afraid of accidently hurting them when I sleep with them so I didnt. I mean my best friend used to sleep with her toy poodle, she one day accidently rolled over before the dog could move out of the way and that poor puppy suffocated. I always thought wow if I dog couldnt get out of that and make enough noise for a person to wake up would a baby be able to. Its a freak accident and it probably never happens but I didnt want to take a chance that it would be me. I dont think I could live with that guilt.
As for homework,Im here for the questions but I make them do it themselves without being on top of them.
We are all great moms no matter what we do or how we do it as long as we have our childrens best interest at heart.
I’ve often thought that the drama of the teenage girl years goes underground for a bit only to resurface when we all become mothers.
I love reading your posts Jane because more and more, I don’t talk about mothering or mommyhood at my blog; like someone else here mentioned, I cringe at the potential misunderstandings and judgements.
Whenever I have a moment of feeling like I’ve failed somehow as a mom because I didn’t do XYZ, Knute (hubs) says simply, “Mare – look at them. They’re healthy, happy, nice kids.”
It’s easy to forget that we do all we do as moms – differently or the same – with the same final result in mind: raising good people for this world. We get caught up in the methodology of mothering rather than the goal.
Good stuff as always! And everyone has been so kind in the comments – nice to see that, too.