Comments on: She’s just not that into you

By: Maureen

Maureen — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 22:11:32 +0000

I didn’t have time to read all the other comments but I really loved this post. I wish there were women in my ward who could self proclaim they like caffeine-dependency, trashy novels, and the occasional swear word! I would snatch them up in a big bear hug and declare them my kindred. Or I hope they would do that for me.

By: Blogging For Church Ladies | What About Mom

Blogging For Church Ladies | What About Mom — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 07:49:22 +0000

[...] make friends, fellowship sisters, stay connected to family. The other week I wrote a post about the difficulties of making friends in new places. I was shocked at how many other women are also lonely. Any time I am feeling sorry for myself that [...]

By: sidney

sidney — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 18:51:54 +0000

To have a friend you must first be a friend. I am always amused at people who move into a ward and declare “No one has really reached out to me”. Well if they haven’t try reaching out to them first.I’m pretty much a native so I haven’t had to get out of my comfort zone as much but I think it goes back to more on how I was raised. My Mother was very skilled in not letting her children become victims. We all were filled up with good self esteem and the knowledge we were pretty capable of being anything we wanted. So throw a party invite those couples that seem interesting. People are always flattered to be “invited”. A good friend of mine started a lunch group of random women in the neighborhood and we just got to know one another. It boils down to being a risk taker. Just keep in mind most everyone is just a bit insecure and very few people have the courage to be the initiator.

By: Julia

Julia — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 03:46:03 +0000

I haven’t taken the time to read all of the comments yet (I will definitely go back and do that when I have the time), but I just wanted to say that I feel the exact same way and I’m so glad that you wrote this post. I, too, am hungerying for friends. My husband’s in the Military, so we move around a lot. We’re currently stationed at Ft. Campbell, KY and my husband just returned home from 14-mo-deployment.

During his deployment, I temporarily moved to Utah to be closer to family and return to school to put a few more credits under my belt. I was only gone about 8 mos., but when I came back home, the ward had really changed. Quite a few of my friends had moved and I didn’t know where I fit in any longer. There were still several people that I knew, but I hadn’t ever gotten really close to any of them. Now I just feel weird. I’m not really new, but I feel new and awkward. And no one’s really reached out to me much, because I assume they think that I’m already settled. I’m still working on finding my niche; hopefully I can use some of the ideas above and discover a “bossom friend” or two soon.

By: Amy

Amy — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 03:15:02 +0000

I like your posts and writing about the mommyhood, and how it pretty much consumes everything in its path. In this case, friendships, even ones you already have you have to let get more distant in the priority list and therefore sometimes in the frienship itself. Moving does not help. We moved to this neighborhood eight months ago and I don’t have any hang-out girlfriends (I am really blessed to have a friend in a lady a few houses down, but she’s a ways farther ahead in the motherhood timeline than I, her only-child 16yo daughter babysits sometimes, my oldest of four is 6.5 so you know what I mean when I say she’s kind of a bit off in the connection for hanging out). I don’t mean that like bragging. One girl has been welcoming, but never inviting. That probably stems from the fact that she can hear me from over the fence yelling at my kids when I fail in that category (too often) and I’m sure she thinks I’m a heathen only professing to be a Christian and couldn’t possibly want my kids to be around her kids. Since they never yell, outside at least, they are obviously perfect and I feel too guilty/embarrassed to attempt getting our kids together. See how sin effects things you aren’t even thinking about?
In any case, it seems no matter what, it is extremely hard to make new friends with young kids. I’d say, unlike one commenter above, that it isn’t that we forgot how, it’s that we just don’t have the time, energy, or priority for friends that we did in college and as singles. My mom said that now that they are empty-nesters she has reconnected with old friends and spent a lot more time with people outside the family in general. I expect that is true and something to look forward to.
Similar to you I’ve really wanted to have the same sense of close friends I had in the last place I lived, but have found it more out of reach for a number of reasons, not least of which is that I’ve been pregnant, birthing or having a newborn the entire time here. It kind of just happened this way, and like you, I also have tried to consider that maybe this time was all meant to be a season more focused on my kids and family and getting organized in my home – and pretty much have tried to be content in that. Sorry I’m not offering any tips really, but I guess I’m offering the idea that we allow ourselves to be stretched to be content without the comforts of friendships at the ready all the time. Couldn’t hurt us to grow in that could it? Now, if it reaches my time limit for this test, I’ll be sure to let God know He’s messing up. LOL.

By: Josh

Josh — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 16:16:09 +0000

You could always just move to Rexburg and hang out with us.

Seriously though, this post was a pleasure to read. I’ve felt in Rexburg like you seem to feel in Eagle Mountain (and I’ve been up here 4 1/2 years). I feel surrounded by all of these people who I see all the time, but I still feel like a bit of an outsider, like my absence, if it suddenly happened, wouldn’t even really be noticed.

I, at least, have work, which is where I interact with most of those who I sincerely feel are my friends, so I sympathize with the stay-at-home-mom, who has no recurring social scene like the office hallway or, in my case, the classroom.

Suzy and I have said many times that we miss the easy sociality we had in Cairo. Mostly, I think we miss you and Dick. Our families may have been thrown together in a foreign land, but I think had we met up someplace else where choices in friends were abundant, we’d have been drawn to each other just the same.

By: Laura (Swenson) F.

Laura (Swenson) F. — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 05:43:29 +0000

Hey Jane, I think Seagull Fountain might just be a harder place to make friends than just about anywhere outside of Utah… it’s crazy, but I found living out of state we naturally did more with other families and couples, because we were all alone. Here odds are someone has family nearby who will have them over for sunday dinners or the fourth of july. Lousy families. We’re situated for now on chai fountain across the lake while my husband finishes school and it’s been like that here, too. But it will happen, it just takes time I guess. Give it six months or so. I love your blog, seems like yesterday we were in AP Chem and you were a rockstar and I was just hanging in there. Wish I could help more, I’ve never been the greatest at making friends. Maybe start your own group or something – I’ve always wanted to just have a “learning” day at my house where I’d have someone come over to teach me something every month, and open it up to whoever else would like to come, like an enrichment group where I get to choose what we talk about and who comes. Nice, right? Good luck!

By: Heather

Heather — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 19:42:19 +0000

Cousins can be friends, right? It’s such an effort lately to get out of the house, but I really want to. I desperately want to socialize. And even though we’re related through a big kind of dry family, I totally get you. Can I come visit?

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 19:06:45 +0000

I wish had some amazing words of wisdom. But I do not make friends easily. I often find women to be annoying and gossipy and kind of mean. Maybe I have just come in contact with the wrong woman. Even in church I just cannot bring myself to be “fake” and chit chat with woman I barely know about other people I don’t know. I guess it is my fault because I am sure I seem stand offish. I have not really come in contact with anyone recently (in real life, not weblife) that I have a true connection with. I just would like a wonderful friend to go to see chick flicks with, who is also not offended by a swear word now and then, who doesn’t mind hanging out as a family, just an all around cool chick. I have always had 2-3 really good friends who have fit the bill. Over the past few years they have moved away and though we still talk, it is not the same. Now I will cry… and I am not even that emotional of a person. LOL Maybe we can start a support group for others in the same boat.

By: b.

b. — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 16:50:39 +0000

Well, that’s just curious….

Who knew? Loneliness in the 6th…

By: Steffj89

Steffj89 — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 07:11:30 +0000

How interesting this is….I actually tend to have the opposite of most of you. I had a horrible time making friends when we were younger, moving every few years certainly didnt help and being an insecure teen was the worst. I don’t actually have tons of friends, but the friends I do have are the most amazing group of women and so diverse and yet I cannot begin to fathom my life without any of them.
My three best friends, one since high school and both of the others are “new” friendships, but feel like we have known each other forever…now i do wish I could meet more of the kids moms at my kids school so that they could do play dates etc
steff

By: Shea

Shea — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 04:27:03 +0000

We are on the verge of moving and I’m terrified. I’m leaving great friends who “get me” and I am realistic about it not being easy to replace them. I’m not your typical utah mormon girl and I can’t be fake. I don’t mind being friends with all kinds of people but I can’t be judged because I watch R rated movies or let my kids wear tank tops or have actual thoughts and opinions about the church that aren’t conventional. Making friends as an adult is super hard and it gets even harder when your kids are past the “playdate” stage. It’s almost like I feel too old to make friends. I’m too tired to even try because it’s too much work. Sometimes I think there is no way I could be lucky enough to find friends as great as the ones I found here. So good luck. I met most of my now friends through callings in church. We got to know each other at girls camp when we sat around the campfire late at night talking about sex.

By: Brandi

Brandi — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 03:53:39 +0000

I have to comment again just to say that I’m one of Cousin Sylwia’s Fat, Frumpy friends. Thank goodness I inherited her from my lone existing friend when we moved here.

By: Tami

Tami — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 02:39:09 +0000

You have had so many comments I just couldn’t read them all so I apologise if I am repeating some comments.
As others have said, unfortunately you have to be the one to initiate contact with others. My husband and I are always the ones to throw dinner parties, invite other couple to go out (dinner, movie, etc.). After 12 years in our current home and 23 years of marriage this fact has never changed. We don’t get pouty about it or hold grudges, it is what it is. We have eventually developed a group of people we enjoy doing things with. In fact this weekend we are going on a couples snowmobiling trip with that group.
Through church we have also developed groups such as book clubs, lunch groups, temple groups, exercise groups, etc. These are not just for members of our faith, but open to all our neighbors. We are just there to love and support each other!!
You have to realize there are different levels of social. For instance, I am not one to call my friend to see if she wants to run to Target, I like to get my errands done and move on to other things. My SIL, however, is just this type of person. She loves to make shopping or anything she does a social experience.
Good Luck to you, and hope it’s not to clique, but don’t forget to pray about it. If it is important to you it is important to the Lord and if you let him know you are lonely and are really in need of a friend, he will provide. Your job is to be open to who he sends!!

By: Brock

Brock — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 01:29:34 +0000

Melinda summed it up for us, but I know how you love/adore/crave/are addicted to getting comments so I decided to leave one anyway.

By: Kelly

Kelly — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 00:55:45 +0000

My advice would be to:

A) put yourself out there. Don’t be afraid to walk up to moms who look promising and say “Hey, you wanna meet at the park for a playdate?” or the museum or the zoo or whatever you love. I’ve made a lot of friends that way. [Of course, I'm the kind of person who would talk to a wall if it would talk back, so this may be harder for shy types, but you don't strike me as such. ]

B) open your mind a bit even to those who don’t seem “perfect” to you – you might find that you learn and grow. The Antler lady might be the coolest gal you will ever meet and you might find out that you LOVE “real” meat from non-factory farmed animals. You just never know. [And I don't mean to say that you are close minded, I love your blog and you seem very open and intelligent, so don't take offense. ]

C) Invite an interesting family to dinner. See what happens. The worst that can happen is that they say NO, in which case, it is truly their loss, you know?

Good luck! It is hard to make friends as a mommy, that’s certain!

By: cousin sylwia

cousin sylwia — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 21:36:29 +0000

meagan

i, for one, did not say utah is unfriendly, i just said most people have a lot of family. and by a lot i mean my husband has 8 brothers and sisters, 30 aunts and uncles, and 64 first cousins. most of them live in utah. so when one does has free times a lot of it is scheduled around family gatherings, baby blessing, bapisms, cousin get togethers, ect. not that you cant have friends. i had friends, it just took a while to find people who were available…

By: Jane

Jane — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 21:34:04 +0000

Thanks for all the great comments, suggestions, commiserations. I was surprised this seems to be such a common experience (and here I thought I was the only one .

I wanted to say one thing about Utah. I’ve lived here from ages 11 to 21 and then again for the last year and a half. And I don’t want to generalize and say “Mormons are clique-ish” or “people in Utah all have family” though both of those things are often true, in my experience.

I don’t think this is a result of being Mormon, though, at least it shouldn’t be. In fact, if we followed what we’re taught at church, we’d be the most friendly, helpful people anywhere (though I don’t know if we could ever compete with you lovely Southerners in the manners department).

I have often thought that if I weren’t a member of the dominant religion, I wouldn’t want to live here. I also wouldn’t want to live in a Cairo neighborhood that’s densely Egyptian, either, because I’m not a Muslim, and I was often uncomfortable in our Florida neighborhood because I’m not a drug dealer.

I think we can all do better about being friendly and being receptive to friendly overtures — and especially at branching out to people who are demographically different than we are. That’s probably the biggest mistake or habit on my part. Whenever we moved to a new place, I’d just look around to see who seemed most like me, and usually they stood out pretty obviously, and boom, there’s your friend.

I was struck by what Nikki said — that she’d expect me to be the kind of person, by virtue of having being a mom longer (and maybe also because I’m obviously not shy), to make the overtures to women who are younger.

I would certainly like to be the kind of person who others could count on to be friendly. I feel all squirmy inside if I have to confess that I’ve been waiting for people to do what I haven’t been willing to risk doing myself.

Thanks for helping me figure this out. I’ve got some good ideas, and more importantly, some more motivation to look at it from the viewpoint of what I can give in a friendship, rather than what I can get (and hopefully that will also stave off appearances of “desperation” as Kikibibi so humorously put it — I do worry about that, you know!)

Oh, and Alisha — I don’t blame you for getting a little upset. I must admit I wasn’t overly-friendly to that family who made us their project, either.

By: Marianne

Marianne — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 21:29:48 +0000

I’ve given you the Honest Scrap Award.

Click here to grab the image and the rules.

By: Alisha

Alisha — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 21:07:19 +0000

I have lived in a small university town for 2 years now, and I can’t seem to pick up on any social etiquette in play. I actually had one of my husband’s colleagues, who I had thought was trying to befriend me because of a brief period of commiserating about pregnancy, tell me at a dinner party that I threw that she doesn’t know how I do it, because she never has time to entertain. A little while later, a late-arriving guest casually mentioned attending a dinner party at the colleague’s home two weeks before. I just gave her a look, and haven’t invited her over since. I don’t know how or if to confront her about the slight, but I’m holding a grudge. Trying not too, but hey, I’m not perfect!