I’ve been really lucky to live in some odd places. Places where it was easy to find friends because there were only a few of us in the same situation, even after I left college, where you pretty much live with friends and learn with friends and work with friends. Places where the choice is between being friends and being alone.
First there was Japan, where Dick and I lived next door to our three co-workers for the semester. British Caroline and I bonded over the Japanese-subtitled James Bond marathon, and Lou from the Philippines and I bonded over a shared worldview (and Tina from America, if you ever read this, you always had the best manicure!).
Then there was Harlem, where Mimi and I were the only white, married (and pregnant) twenty-two year-olds. Then The Bronx where I had Angela and Laura at work.
And then there was Cairo, where Suzy, Katherine, Rebecca and I were the only twenty-something wives of teachers/graduate students with pre-school age kids.
Even in Florida my closest friendships seemed providentially serendipitous — Jill was the first church-lady-fellowshipping partner I ever had who got me, and Tara was in Florida for one year only — the year she and her husband and kid moved across the country all so she could meet me.
Some of these friends I might not have gotten close to if the laws of proximity hadn’t necessitated our friendship, and in many cases those friendships are even more precious because of our surface differences.
Now I live in my dream community, the kind of place I used to tell Angela and Laura (both quintessential New Yorkers) was “Zion.” I was kidding, a little bit, but I really like Utah. It’s not as diverse as most of the other places I’ve been; still, it’s the kind of place, in all other respects, that I’m excited to raise my daughters in.
But I don’t have any friends. (Except Chrysanthemum, and she’s a great friend, don’t get me wrong, and the fact that she moved in just down the street the same week is another clear case of providential serendipity, and without her I’d be bereft.)
But the haze of moving and settling and re-routine-ing has lifted a bit, and I look around and I start to recognize people because they look like their kids, who are familiar to me from primary (3-12 year-old Sunday School, which I’m 2nd in line to be in charge of), and I wonder who I’d like to be friends with, and who’d like to be friends with me.
I put myself out there. I’m involved in church and school and neighborhood activities. People (women) are always friendly, sometimes enthusiastically so, but . . . my (admittedly hesitant/timid/nonexistent?) overtures haven’t led anywhere.
Most days I’m happy to let things meander. I’ve got Chrysanthemum, after all, and awesome bloggy friends, and old good friends I could call up or email or Facebook. And I think, well, this is a good opportunity to focus on the kids, to do some more writing, to finish my basement.
Until I remember I have absolutely no idea how to begin finishing a basement. And really, I’d like to have a few more friends within visiting-every-day, Arctic-Circle-running distance.
Suddenly making friends seems a hard thing to do. And it’s not even that people have lived here forever. Seagull Fountain is pretty new, and several families nearby have been here less than a year. But even they seem to not need me, to not be searching for friends as I find myself (thinking of) doing.
And the last thing I want is to be a project friend. We were a project for a nice military family in Japan, only we didn’t know that we were a project until the husband got up in church and testified as to how great the fellowshipping project had made him and his wife feel. I was shocked when they never invited us to do anything after that burst of fellow-feeling.
I’m picky myself; I don’t want just any old friends. I’ve been surprised in the past, but somehow I wonder what I’d have in common with the nice girl my age who has four daughters (perfect!) and who told me today that she and her husband mostly eat meat they’ve hunted themselves (uh?), and that the antlers (%^) are starting to crowd them out of their house. (And her van radio was set to a country music station.)
Of course, now that I’ve written that, she’ll probably call me up tomorrow and see if I’d like to go to the library with her and all the kids, and I’ll feel guilty for talking about antlers and remember that I really love venison jerky, and maybe if we’re friends I could also score some free-range buffalo, which I hear is better for your heart than beef anyway. (But I’d have to introduce her to Coldplay. A girl has to maintain some sense of self.)
I was thinking today I should write up a questionnaire for likely prospects:
1) Do you have time/energy/room in your life for another friend?
1a) Are you interested in being friends with me?
2) How many hours a week would you be interested in socializing with this new friend?
2a) What days are good for you? Are your kids strict afternoon-nappers?
3) What are your feelings towards caffeine-dependency, trashy novels, and the occasional swear word?
4) Check the box if you’d like to arrange a playdate for our kids where we’d both be there too and try to converse meaningfully between breaking up fights, wiping noses, and answering our phones.
Then I thought that perhaps this would be a little bit Michael Scotty-y from The Office. And that made me both sad for my kids who are going to suffer through their teenage years with a Michael Scott mom, but also it cheered me up a little bit, because I remembered that at least I have something exciting planned for Thursday night.
But seriously — any tips? How do you make friends when it’s just not happening naturally?
Jane
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I don’t have any tips about how to get new friends other than to do what you like to do, be in places that reflect your interests, and those with similar interests will show up. Then don’t be afraid to talk to them.
I also just had to say that the people who fellowshipped you probably didn’t call again because the wife was absolutely mortified after her hubby said that.
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I’m crap at making new friends, and even keeping in touch with people I want to keep in touch with (unless they have a blog, email, are on Facebook or Twitter … you know, anything I can do in my PJs at any time of day or night). I dunno … I’m a classic introvert …
Maybe one of the girls can crash-tackle potential friends? Um, lure them with your brownies or the cool rolo-pretzel thingies? I mean, who’s not going to bond with you over choccy delights?
No wonder I retreated back to full-time work, just so I didn’t have to try to make new Mummy friends.
Good luck – I hope someone else can give you helpful suggestions.
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I hear you! After having baby #2, we became very good friends with the family of the woman who took care of the baby — she happened to have two daughters close to my older daughter’s age and they lived 7 houses away. Then, about 8 months later, they moved to Colorado. They lived here for 3 years before we met them, and we never knew they existed. Her husband jokingly (I think) said to her “see, I told you we should have gone house to house to meet people!” They were the perfect mix — our husbands got along, our kids were old enough to play without supervision so the adults could have game night … I even kept the house cleaner because game night was always at our house so the baby could go to sleep at bed time!
So I guess my tip would be to go door-to-door? (We had the opportunity with selling Girl Scout cookies, but I’m too chicken to go up to a stranger’s house, even if I have a purpose.)
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That is one of the reasons we don’t really want to move back to Utah. Both my parents and Brock’s parents had similar situations. My parents moved back to UT from MT and Brock’s moved back form IL, places where they had good, close, friends, that we spent tons of time with and went camping with, and had dessert night every Sunday with. Even though my Mom loves living in UT she says they have never had the same closeness with friends here that they did in MT. My personal opinion is that most people have a lot of family around so that is their social circle. I know we are really grateful for the friends we have here, we do a lot with them. I do think however, if you keep looking, you will find some people who want some extra socializing, just like you do.
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I have thought many times about writing a blog post about this very subject. As little girls we are excellent at making friends and then somewhere between college and adulthood we lost our ability to make friends. I have no idea why.
I moved to Dallas 8 years ago and to this day I have only one friend (my other friend moved to New Mexico). Eight long years and only one friend, who is better looking than me and only has one kid, so really how much time can we spend together?
I figure this is why I blog. I feel less alone. I feel more connected. I have friends. Even if they wouldn’t recognize me on the street they are there. I’m pathetic and I’m not ashamed to admit.
Okay, don’t be surprised if this subject pops up on my blog in the next couple of days.
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I think you have to be aggressive. Most other people are probably feeling just like you are–they WANT to be your friend, they’d LOVE it if things moved forward, but they’re kind of hoping the other person will make a grand overture that proves they’re interested, first. You get to the point where neither party ever actually makes that call or extends that invitation because everybody is waiting for somebody else to do it, or simply because life is busy and you always think you’ll do it the next day or the next day or the next…
Can you organize a little get-together at your house for a mom or two you think you might click with? I think outings can be a hard way to get to know other moms; the kids are everywhere, you have to keep a careful watch on them, it can be loud and distracting…inside your own house you can relax more and play hostess, which also IME cuts down on any awkwardness because it gives you something to Do.
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My husband and I moved to KY from AL last April. All of our friends, relatives and willing babysitters were left behind. I work in an office by myself. I have 2 employees but they are mostly in the field. Sooooooo it has been really hard for me to make friends here. I am used to having a large group of close friends that did stuff together on a regular basis. With or without our kids. I have made a couple of good friends through a mom based local website, but I still miss the comfort and familiarity of my old friends. You didn’t have to call or plan a week in advance, you just showed up. It gets lonely too. I started blogging, and it has helped me a lot. I might not be having a conversation in person, but at least it is interaction.
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There’s an Artic C in Seagull Fountain?
Seagull Fountain has some drama, no?
I live in an area down here in “Mannish Pork” that is spread out and is hard to maintain friendships without being a hunter-for-your-supper kind of gal.
I have to friend up-county a bit for some culture.
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A few unrelated comments.
1. I was reading your “questionnaire” and my eye got distracted by the “yes no” picture, so I jumped over the questions and was pretty sure one of them included the word “groom” – like you were asking a potential friend how they groom themselves! Ha! (I like short square fingernails)
2. When I moved across the country in 2000, we met a neighbor out on the lawn who actually said “yeah, my wife and I are pretty well set on friends, not really looking for anyone new.” Um, ok, thanks for the heads up.
3. When we moved, people out here on the east coast said “oh it must be sooo different here?” Yeah, because like when we lived in Iowa, everyone wore overalls, didn’t brush their teeth, and had sex with farm animals! NOT!! My constant reply (to those stuck-up idiots) was that people are people no matter where you live, and you tend to gravitate toward the people you’re most compatible with without even trying. Jane, it takes time, be patient. They say that after moving, it’s about a year before you’re really settled in – longer for people who don’t have a job outside the home. We found that to be exactly true – 12 months for me, and a little longer for DB who worked from home at the time.
You’re a runner, right? Put a sign on a bulletin board at church or elsewhere seeking other moms to run M-W-F. Kids in joggers? Then coffee (or Diet Mt Dew) after.
p.s. Mormon question – I thought caffeine was taboo?
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Yeah, I know what you mean. FMH posted a guest post about Manfriends during their Manuary event (http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=2298) that read about the same (frustrations++).
One could always embrace “The Secret” or Law of Attraction. But I think you should just focus on the good friends you have and be grateful for those rare moments you can connect with them between both of your “breaking up fights, wiping noses, and answering our phones” (and I would add – pacifying your huzbunds).
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(at the risk of gratuitous commenting, I forgot a couple of things)
I dig your use of the word “bereft” in describing your friendship (or never-to-happen loss of) with Chrysanthemum. One of my initial blog posts talked about my dear friends, and I said “without them, I’d be bereft.” Love that word.
Do not be discouraged!!! especially after reading all these comments!! But I would disagree with the commenter who suggested you be aggressive, I’d be concerned about coming across as desperate, ya know? You should be yourself. If yourself is aggressive and desperate-looking, well, I’d still love ya. And enjoy a Mt Dew with you any time! AAAND let you swear all you want!
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I completely understand. I moved here from AR, and I have struggled to make good friends here. At first I thought it was that people in Utah were cold and snobby, but now that I have lived here for a few years, I begin to realize it’s just a complete lack of manners. People here are nice enough, and are glad to help, but seem to have no idea how to reciprocate favors or dinners, extend invitations, or hold a proper conversation.
My husband used to scoff at my old-fashioned southern social values, thinking they were snobby and out-dated. But now he sees what I’ve been trying to explain for the last 5 years – that social protocol facilitates relationships and ensures that no one is ever made to feel embarrassed or left out. (Unless they did something to deserve it, in which case they should have the decency to feel embarrassed.) People in Utah just don’t know how to be mindful other others in a social sense.
Now for the interview portion:
1. absolutely!
1a. sure, but the question is, would you want to be friends with me…
2. I could probably squeeze in a few hours
2a. I have the car for sure Tues and Thurs, possibly on MWF. The toddler naps mid-day, but is very flexible if she has things to do.
3. I don’t care much for any of them, but since my husband in interested in 2 out of the 3, it is a part of my life regardless.
4. check Yes.
Seriously though, I live just across the water from you – I can probably see your house from where I live (if I knew which house was yours.) I’m even going to be making an appearance in SF on Wednesday to pick up a craigslist purchase, so if you happened to be in the mood to 1) make new friends, and/or 2) network with other mommy bloggers, I’d be happy to get together!
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I’ve been thinking about this lately too. I’ve never had problems making friends, but now that I’m a mom I’m not sure I really want that many friends, they might take me away from my work in my home. And as a mom you have to be more careful about your own friends, because who you choose affects who your kids choose. There’s a lady I met a couple months ago that I liked, but then I realized she’s a devout Catholic and maybe wouldn’t want to be friends with a Protestant. But amazingly enough she still wants to meet. Homeschooling definitely brings moms together out of that commonality. But I feel so odd in the family room at church. Once homeschooling mom whom I adore and idolize, one home birthing mom who is always tired and looks at me with suspicion (or so it seems), another homeschooler who disagrees with my co-sleeping and “unschooling” but is nice to me anyway, and who professes to enjoy reading but will only read books from Christian publishing houses. There’s this struggle between rationality and chemistry, just as with romance. My id tells me to befriend this person, my superego tells me it’s not a good match. Blargh!
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I have this same problem, and have written that same what I call “friend application” (for the record I’ve never handed it out) However, the difference between you and I, I’m mid-twenties, new mom (3 kids, but they are all under 3), and now’s the time I feel like I need friends the most. Not saying you don’t. But you’re the type I’d look to take me under your wing. Solely basing this on the age of our kds for experience not necessarily our own age. Anyway, I have the hardest time finding people who need a friend also. Now I guess I can count you out for help.
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Ugh, I have the same problem every time we move (which is about every 3 years–we’re military, too). In our last ward I was called into the RS presidency after 2 mostly friendless years and I forced the president, other counselor and secretary to be my friends. Forced them, I tell you. The only reason I have friends in our current ward is because I happened to have one of my rare former friends already living here, so I just share her friends. Luckily they like me.
I tend to make more friends after people read my blog. I’m socially awkward in person, and more myself on my blog. In a few cases it backfires. They read my blog and realize I’m on my way to hell in a hand basket and they steer clear of my wicked liberal ways.
~Brandi
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“But seriously — any tips? How do you make friends when it’s just not happening naturally?”
I am no good at making friends. I think it’s a product of living in the same house from birth to mission. I didn’t need to ‘make friends’ because everyone knew me, and I knew everyone. My wife isgreat at making friends. Her father was in the army when she was young, and she lived all over the place. Oklahoma, Germany, San Diego, ummm… some other places. When it’s time to make friends, I let her make friends with the wives, then that automatically makes me friends with the husband. Neat huh?
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Wow. This is pertinent. I had the same experience with stronger and easier friendships outside of Utah. Now I am in a housing complex with mostly LDS grad students (in a different state)–and same Utah social issues. Why? Haven’t figured that out yet. Something about maybe not needing each other as much when we are all the same? I don’t know. But I’m going through the same thing. I’m the RS Pres now, and I’ve thought maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t have any friends cause I can’t be accused of being cliquey or anything now that I got that calling, right?! Depressing, but oh well. Don’t have the answer.
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I totally know how you feel! We lived in Houston and California, and people there were SO friendly because everybody needed each other. It seems like people here are so busy with their families, their own and their other family living close by, that they don’t have time for friends. In my neighborhood, the kids who are the same age as my oldest are the 4th or 5th (or 7th) kids, and their parents don’t have time for playgroups or anything like that. I’ve been lucky to find a few good friends (after 2 years here) through providence, but I wish more people in my neighborhood had the same lonesome-mommy, desperate to get together and talk while the kids play needs that I have. As for my husband? 2 1/2 years here and he really only plays online with people that we lived by 4 years ago. Talk ab
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oops. pushed the wrong button. I meant to say talk about lonely.
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That questionaire is much like something I made up (for the fun of it)?
I think it will help that you know exactly what you are looking for.
When Cora was a baby and I had no mommy friends, I found a new playgroup (SP Mommies) and through there socialized with other moms until a few friendships stuck.
Aquaintanceships have been forged with my neighbors, friends from school/work, etc, but true friendship is a bit more elusive. Keep at it!
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We’ve moved a lot, too, Jane, although strictly US soil. Still, it really takes a toll on you after, I dunno, the fourth or fifth move.
Add to that a bunch of kids and all the hopes/worries/dreams for their futures and somehow, the whole finding friends thing starts to slip.
I know a lot of the moms at our church/school, but none of those have really blossomed into deep friendships. I know it’s mostly me; I’m super friendly but not one to overshare about myself.
And I’m fortunate to have a great group of blogging moms in my area; I’ve started organizing meetups for us 1x a month. Blogging is such a big part of my life; it’s hard to explain that to an outsider.
Oh, and as to your questionnaire:
1. Maybe – if it’s the right person
1a. Um, definitely.
Skipping 2
3. I live on Caffeine Island; not a problem for me; my vocabulary switches from G-rated to R+-rated once all the kids are in bed.
4. Girl, if I had access to a private jet, I’d be there. Alas, Ohio to Utah is a smidge of a drive for me.
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Okay, I have to tell you the funniest thing. I have talked SO much about you to Eldon (just because he always asks what I’m laughing about) that one day a little while ago he asked me if I wished I lived closer to you so we could be IRL friends. I told him that actually yeah, I’d love to get to actually do things together and meet you and have play dates and such.
I do wish I could be that kind of friend with you although I have to warn that while we’re listening to Coldplay (country? barf)on our way to Arctic I’d be rolling my eyes at you when you crack open that mountain dew. Just because I love you and it’s a nice quirk. Makes you a little more human.
One thing I do worry about is that I’ve been TOO complimentary. I’ve had some people who are very complimentary of my blog and I LOVE them but it’s also a little awkward, like, what do I say…ummm.. thanks? But it’s hard to find that balance and hard to know what to say but in almost every blog it is seriously like I’m reading the words straight out of my head. So you have to realize that if we were face to face friends you wouldn’t be getting that all the time, we don’t want your head to explode.
But, hence, I live here and you live there and you do need friends. I have to tell you (and this is turning into a short story) the first year I lived here I had NO friends. None. Period. But unlike you I made no effort and so I reaped no results. After that year I was so ready to move, like I hate this small town let me out let me out let me out! But we stayed and I started teaching preschool and getting more involved and talking to people first (instead of being annoyed that nobody ever talked to me). And now I have so many amazing friends. I have almost nothing in common with most of them, I have one friend very much like the one you described but I love her so much now and we have a blast together. I have another friend that is like mountain woman and gung ho on food storage and all that preparedness stuff but she and I get along great. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s possible to be close with them even if it seems like you have nothing in common. All you have to do is find a couple things in common and then find things to do together, help each other, etc. Another thing that’s hard for me is opening up and showing the weakest parts of myself. But it brings the greatest friendships.
Anyhoo, I think that you and I would make fantastic friends. I GET you. But just realize that perfect friends are right there, waiting to know you want to be their friend. But hey, let me know if you hear of any band teacher jobs around there….
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1. Yes. 1a. Yes.
2. Oh. Like, leave my house? But it’s COLD! NM.
Which brings to mind the problem. You moved in at the exact wrong time. Maybe it’s different over in SF, but here in . . . um . . . Forum, we don’t get out to socialize much during the winter. Maybe we’re getting an early spring this year, but all of the sudden in about April we’re all outside again and it’s much easier to go on walks and pop in to friend’s houses. I’m friends with the moms next door and across the street, but I don’t go OUT and VISIT them when it’s cold.
One thing that’s helped in our neighborhood has been small groups (activities coordinated through church). We have a weekly preschool group that I used to go to (before Rebecca started napping at that time
), though I would sit there and look at the other moms who lived in the same apartment complex socializing and think “I have no friends” as I was monopolized by another mom who has no social skills. And then a couple weeks ago, one of those apartment moms pointed out in our RS lesson that everyone feels like everyone else has all these friends.
@kikibibi—Caffeine is a bit of a gray area in Mormonism. Coffee and tea are explicitly prohibited. Caffeinated soft drinks (what Jane’s referring to here) are . . . iffy. My husband and I were raised in uncaffeinated houses and it drives me CRAZY when DH brings home Dr Pepper (largely because I LURVE DP but now physically cannot take caffeine—gives me a massive headache and he never springs for the caffeine free stuff
). Um… anyway.
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I know, I know, I’m already ridiculously ahead in the commenting area but I just went and read all the comments and now I have to talk again. I guess after reading some of these comments I want to talk about my experience with moving to Utah. I grew up in So Cal, in a place where there weren’t a lot of Mormons (I almost just left out the second m, woops!) I moved to Utah for college and I’ve been here ever since. I can say from my experience that you cannot label the people in a place such as Utah as everyone being cold, rude, ill mannered, what have you. Because, as I’m sure you’ve found, there are people like that everywhere. I like to think as far as friends go that I am very polite, when I’m invited I then invite back, if someone does me a favor I do them a favor, etc. Friendship is a give and take. I have met people of all religions, races, locations that are like that, and also that aren’t. I guess what I’m saying is that maybe a big problem with people finding friends is that they do stereotype them and shove them into this mold that most likely isn’t even true. So it is up to US as we find friends to look for the good. And if things don’t mesh, it’s not a big deal, life will go on. But if you expect them to be a certain way then you are most likely not even giving them the chance to show how they really are. Does that make sense? I will say though that it is true when people have family close by they aren’t so much on the lookout for friends. All of my close friends here are the ones who are loners like me, and now we’re like family. So I’d look around for people that don’t have family close, I bet they’re looking for a friend. And most of all, just find opportunities to get to know people. Okay, I’m shutting up now. Really. Oh, and I was going to fill out your questionnaire but I already know we’d be great friends and I don’t want to make you sad that I am so far so you don’t get the pleasure of my wonderful self.
Okay, spent the morning here and now I’m leaving. really.
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I haven’t read all the comments so I’m sorry if I repeat anything.
I have zero friends…I mean like “mommy” friends. Our neighborhood is full of working mom, stay at home moms, no kid moms and everything in between. Yet everyone seems to have friends elsewhere. Maybe I’m just not invited to things because I don’t like purse parties or something. I don’t know.
I figure I’ve shut myself off. I was one of the “younger” families to start moving into an “elderly” neighborhood. I’m not super active in church. I’m out in the front yard ALL the time with two (now three) dogs and sometimes half the neighborhood kids (six total) but moms are just not into me….
I figure I’m not THAT bad. But also that I probably don’t make any time to be friends with anyone. I feel pressure from work, kids, home etc. I don’t think I can commit to full-time friend. Kind of sad…
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your main problem is living in utah. most people have lots of family in utah, just like you, so they spent most of their free time with them. but that doesnt mean you cant make friends.
my main suggestion is to not limit yourself to people who are your age or have the same gender/age of kids. my closest friends in utah and iowa were older ladies with grown up kids. they seemed to have more life experience like I do, even though i was much younger, so it was easier for me to talk to them on the same level. also i appreciated learning from them about raising kids, teenagers, etc.
in my current ward there are no older people. most are in their 20′s with 1 or 2 very young kids, the seriously so blessed crowd. there are a few fat a frumpy ladies like myself, so i gravitated toward them and we are all good friends, holding regular ladies’ outings. a good rule for finding friends for me has been “the older, or fatter the lady, the more fun she will be…” that’s been my experience….
another thing i try to do, in sunday school and relief society, i try to sit by someone i dont know or who is sitting alone. when i was in primary i’d stay a bit after church and talk to a person i didnt know. each sunday i try to meet someone new. some people are not very interested in talking, while others love it. each sunday i either cultivate what i had started the previous sunday or meet someone new. i ask personal questions right away. most people want to answer.
one last suggestion is to find some single ladies. they dont have a husband to talk to every night, so they are probably looking for a friend…
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I am neither Mormon nor do I live in Utah but I’m surprised to see comments that Utah is an unfriendly state! I was in Utah for the first time last year and felt like people were just ridiculously friendly to me–I kind of wanted to move there after that. I’m sure it’s a different story actually crossing over from “friendly” to “real friends”, though.
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I have lived in a small university town for 2 years now, and I can’t seem to pick up on any social etiquette in play. I actually had one of my husband’s colleagues, who I had thought was trying to befriend me because of a brief period of commiserating about pregnancy, tell me at a dinner party that I threw that she doesn’t know how I do it, because she never has time to entertain. A little while later, a late-arriving guest casually mentioned attending a dinner party at the colleague’s home two weeks before. I just gave her a look, and haven’t invited her over since. I don’t know how or if to confront her about the slight, but I’m holding a grudge. Trying not too, but hey, I’m not perfect!
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I’ve given you the Honest Scrap Award.
Click here to grab the image and the rules.
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Thanks for all the great comments, suggestions, commiserations. I was surprised this seems to be such a common experience (and here I thought I was the only one
.
I wanted to say one thing about Utah. I’ve lived here from ages 11 to 21 and then again for the last year and a half. And I don’t want to generalize and say “Mormons are clique-ish” or “people in Utah all have family” though both of those things are often true, in my experience.
I don’t think this is a result of being Mormon, though, at least it shouldn’t be. In fact, if we followed what we’re taught at church, we’d be the most friendly, helpful people anywhere (though I don’t know if we could ever compete with you lovely Southerners in the manners department).
I have often thought that if I weren’t a member of the dominant religion, I wouldn’t want to live here. I also wouldn’t want to live in a Cairo neighborhood that’s densely Egyptian, either, because I’m not a Muslim, and I was often uncomfortable in our Florida neighborhood because I’m not a drug dealer.
I think we can all do better about being friendly and being receptive to friendly overtures — and especially at branching out to people who are demographically different than we are. That’s probably the biggest mistake or habit on my part. Whenever we moved to a new place, I’d just look around to see who seemed most like me, and usually they stood out pretty obviously, and boom, there’s your friend.
I was struck by what Nikki said — that she’d expect me to be the kind of person, by virtue of having being a mom longer (and maybe also because I’m obviously not shy), to make the overtures to women who are younger.
I would certainly like to be the kind of person who others could count on to be friendly. I feel all squirmy inside if I have to confess that I’ve been waiting for people to do what I haven’t been willing to risk doing myself.
Thanks for helping me figure this out. I’ve got some good ideas, and more importantly, some more motivation to look at it from the viewpoint of what I can give in a friendship, rather than what I can get (and hopefully that will also stave off appearances of “desperation” as Kikibibi so humorously put it — I do worry about that, you know!)
Oh, and Alisha — I don’t blame you for getting a little upset. I must admit I wasn’t overly-friendly to that family who made us their project, either.
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meagan
i, for one, did not say utah is unfriendly, i just said most people have a lot of family. and by a lot i mean my husband has 8 brothers and sisters, 30 aunts and uncles, and 64 first cousins. most of them live in utah. so when one does has free times a lot of it is scheduled around family gatherings, baby blessing, bapisms, cousin get togethers, ect. not that you cant have friends. i had friends, it just took a while to find people who were available…
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My advice would be to:
A) put yourself out there. Don’t be afraid to walk up to moms who look promising and say “Hey, you wanna meet at the park for a playdate?” or the museum or the zoo or whatever you love. I’ve made a lot of friends that way.
[Of course, I'm the kind of person who would talk to a wall if it would talk back, so this may be harder for shy types, but you don't strike me as such. 
]
B) open your mind a bit even to those who don’t seem “perfect” to you – you might find that you learn and grow. The Antler lady might be the coolest gal you will ever meet and you might find out that you LOVE “real” meat from non-factory farmed animals.
You just never know. [And I don't mean to say that you are close minded, I love your blog and you seem very open and intelligent, so don't take offense. 
]
C) Invite an interesting family to dinner. See what happens. The worst that can happen is that they say NO, in which case, it is truly their loss, you know?
Good luck! It is hard to make friends as a mommy, that’s certain!
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Melinda summed it up for us, but I know how you love/adore/crave/are addicted to getting comments so I decided to leave one anyway.
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You have had so many comments I just couldn’t read them all so I apologise if I am repeating some comments.
As others have said, unfortunately you have to be the one to initiate contact with others. My husband and I are always the ones to throw dinner parties, invite other couple to go out (dinner, movie, etc.). After 12 years in our current home and 23 years of marriage this fact has never changed. We don’t get pouty about it or hold grudges, it is what it is. We have eventually developed a group of people we enjoy doing things with. In fact this weekend we are going on a couples snowmobiling trip with that group.
Through church we have also developed groups such as book clubs, lunch groups, temple groups, exercise groups, etc. These are not just for members of our faith, but open to all our neighbors. We are just there to love and support each other!!
You have to realize there are different levels of social. For instance, I am not one to call my friend to see if she wants to run to Target, I like to get my errands done and move on to other things. My SIL, however, is just this type of person. She loves to make shopping or anything she does a social experience.
Good Luck to you, and hope it’s not to clique, but don’t forget to pray about it. If it is important to you it is important to the Lord and if you let him know you are lonely and are really in need of a friend, he will provide. Your job is to be open to who he sends!!
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I have to comment again just to say that I’m one of Cousin Sylwia’s Fat, Frumpy friends. Thank goodness I inherited her from my lone existing friend when we moved here.
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We are on the verge of moving and I’m terrified. I’m leaving great friends who “get me” and I am realistic about it not being easy to replace them. I’m not your typical utah mormon girl and I can’t be fake. I don’t mind being friends with all kinds of people but I can’t be judged because I watch R rated movies or let my kids wear tank tops or have actual thoughts and opinions about the church that aren’t conventional. Making friends as an adult is super hard and it gets even harder when your kids are past the “playdate” stage. It’s almost like I feel too old to make friends. I’m too tired to even try because it’s too much work. Sometimes I think there is no way I could be lucky enough to find friends as great as the ones I found here. So good luck. I met most of my now friends through callings in church. We got to know each other at girls camp when we sat around the campfire late at night talking about sex.
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How interesting this is….I actually tend to have the opposite of most of you. I had a horrible time making friends when we were younger, moving every few years certainly didnt help and being an insecure teen was the worst. I don’t actually have tons of friends, but the friends I do have are the most amazing group of women and so diverse and yet I cannot begin to fathom my life without any of them.
My three best friends, one since high school and both of the others are “new” friendships, but feel like we have known each other forever…now i do wish I could meet more of the kids moms at my kids school so that they could do play dates etc
steff
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Well, that’s just curious….
Who knew? Loneliness in the 6th…
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I wish had some amazing words of wisdom. But I do not make friends easily. I often find women to be annoying and gossipy and kind of mean. Maybe I have just come in contact with the wrong woman. Even in church I just cannot bring myself to be “fake” and chit chat with woman I barely know about other people I don’t know. I guess it is my fault because I am sure I seem stand offish. I have not really come in contact with anyone recently (in real life, not weblife) that I have a true connection with. I just would like a wonderful friend to go to see chick flicks with, who is also not offended by a swear word now and then, who doesn’t mind hanging out as a family, just an all around cool chick. I have always had 2-3 really good friends who have fit the bill. Over the past few years they have moved away and though we still talk, it is not the same. Now I will cry… and I am not even that emotional of a person. LOL Maybe we can start a support group for others in the same boat.
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Cousins can be friends, right? It’s such an effort lately to get out of the house, but I really want to. I desperately want to socialize. And even though we’re related through a big kind of dry family, I totally get you. Can I come visit?
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Hey Jane, I think Seagull Fountain might just be a harder place to make friends than just about anywhere outside of Utah… it’s crazy, but I found living out of state we naturally did more with other families and couples, because we were all alone. Here odds are someone has family nearby who will have them over for sunday dinners or the fourth of july. Lousy families. We’re situated for now on chai fountain across the lake while my husband finishes school and it’s been like that here, too. But it will happen, it just takes time I guess. Give it six months or so. I love your blog, seems like yesterday we were in AP Chem and you were a rockstar and I was just hanging in there. Wish I could help more, I’ve never been the greatest at making friends. Maybe start your own group or something – I’ve always wanted to just have a “learning” day at my house where I’d have someone come over to teach me something every month, and open it up to whoever else would like to come, like an enrichment group where I get to choose what we talk about and who comes. Nice, right? Good luck!
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You could always just move to Rexburg and hang out with us.
Seriously though, this post was a pleasure to read. I’ve felt in Rexburg like you seem to feel in Eagle Mountain (and I’ve been up here 4 1/2 years). I feel surrounded by all of these people who I see all the time, but I still feel like a bit of an outsider, like my absence, if it suddenly happened, wouldn’t even really be noticed.
I, at least, have work, which is where I interact with most of those who I sincerely feel are my friends, so I sympathize with the stay-at-home-mom, who has no recurring social scene like the office hallway or, in my case, the classroom.
Suzy and I have said many times that we miss the easy sociality we had in Cairo. Mostly, I think we miss you and Dick. Our families may have been thrown together in a foreign land, but I think had we met up someplace else where choices in friends were abundant, we’d have been drawn to each other just the same.
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I like your posts and writing about the mommyhood, and how it pretty much consumes everything in its path. In this case, friendships, even ones you already have you have to let get more distant in the priority list and therefore sometimes in the frienship itself. Moving does not help. We moved to this neighborhood eight months ago and I don’t have any hang-out girlfriends (I am really blessed to have a friend in a lady a few houses down, but she’s a ways farther ahead in the motherhood timeline than I, her only-child 16yo daughter babysits sometimes, my oldest of four is 6.5 so you know what I mean when I say she’s kind of a bit off in the connection for hanging out). I don’t mean that like bragging. One girl has been welcoming, but never inviting. That probably stems from the fact that she can hear me from over the fence yelling at my kids when I fail in that category (too often) and I’m sure she thinks I’m a heathen only professing to be a Christian and couldn’t possibly want my kids to be around her kids. Since they never yell, outside at least, they are obviously perfect and I feel too guilty/embarrassed to attempt getting our kids together. See how sin effects things you aren’t even thinking about?
In any case, it seems no matter what, it is extremely hard to make new friends with young kids. I’d say, unlike one commenter above, that it isn’t that we forgot how, it’s that we just don’t have the time, energy, or priority for friends that we did in college and as singles. My mom said that now that they are empty-nesters she has reconnected with old friends and spent a lot more time with people outside the family in general. I expect that is true and something to look forward to.
Similar to you I’ve really wanted to have the same sense of close friends I had in the last place I lived, but have found it more out of reach for a number of reasons, not least of which is that I’ve been pregnant, birthing or having a newborn the entire time here. It kind of just happened this way, and like you, I also have tried to consider that maybe this time was all meant to be a season more focused on my kids and family and getting organized in my home – and pretty much have tried to be content in that. Sorry I’m not offering any tips really, but I guess I’m offering the idea that we allow ourselves to be stretched to be content without the comforts of friendships at the ready all the time. Couldn’t hurt us to grow in that could it? Now, if it reaches my time limit for this test, I’ll be sure to let God know He’s messing up. LOL.
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I haven’t taken the time to read all of the comments yet (I will definitely go back and do that when I have the time), but I just wanted to say that I feel the exact same way and I’m so glad that you wrote this post. I, too, am hungerying for friends. My husband’s in the Military, so we move around a lot. We’re currently stationed at Ft. Campbell, KY and my husband just returned home from 14-mo-deployment.
During his deployment, I temporarily moved to Utah to be closer to family and return to school to put a few more credits under my belt. I was only gone about 8 mos., but when I came back home, the ward had really changed. Quite a few of my friends had moved and I didn’t know where I fit in any longer. There were still several people that I knew, but I hadn’t ever gotten really close to any of them. Now I just feel weird. I’m not really new, but I feel new and awkward. And no one’s really reached out to me much, because I assume they think that I’m already settled. I’m still working on finding my niche; hopefully I can use some of the ideas above and discover a “bossom friend” or two soon.
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To have a friend you must first be a friend. I am always amused at people who move into a ward and declare “No one has really reached out to me”. Well if they haven’t try reaching out to them first.I’m pretty much a native so I haven’t had to get out of my comfort zone as much but I think it goes back to more on how I was raised. My Mother was very skilled in not letting her children become victims. We all were filled up with good self esteem and the knowledge we were pretty capable of being anything we wanted. So throw a party invite those couples that seem interesting. People are always flattered to be “invited”. A good friend of mine started a lunch group of random women in the neighborhood and we just got to know one another. It boils down to being a risk taker. Just keep in mind most everyone is just a bit insecure and very few people have the courage to be the initiator.
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[...] make friends, fellowship sisters, stay connected to family. The other week I wrote a post about the difficulties of making friends in new places. I was shocked at how many other women are also lonely. Any time I am feeling sorry for myself that [...]