Dear Tom,
I make it a point to be honest and candid here, to be real. And that has led to two major problems. 1) It perpetuates one of the myths of our marriage, that I am always the “bad guy” who yells and swears and overreacts and criticizes the way you “park” the car. And 2) it sometimes paints you as a bumbling, typical guy who couldn’t find the grocery store if he were starving (possibly true) and who always forgets to take the trash out (quite untrue, recently).
The problem is: it’s much easier to be honest about what’s wrong. It’s easy to make jokes about ineptness or exaggerate faults for effect or confess to mistakes and inadequacies.
It even seems more authentic, more true, somehow, to paint a picture of unflinching reality, of Valentine’s gifts un-purchased and gourmet meals uncooked, floors un-mopped and thank-you’s unsaid. Of prayers mumbled as our heads hit the pillows and socks left under the bed.
And maybe it’s easy to expose these foibles, because, as urgent as they are in the moment, as maddeningly infuriating or calamitously disappointing they are during the day, — in the dead of night, when I can reach over and rest my hand on your strong chest or when I plug your nose to STOP THE SNORING, there is no one I’d rather have in my bed, in my mind, and in my life.
It’s actually almost frightening how together we have it. Frightening, to me, because I know I don’t deserve it. I don’t appreciate it enough. Well, I do, but I don’t always show it.
I’m afraid if I tell the truth about how wonderful you are and how lucky I feel to have you, it’ll sound like I’m bragging, or gloating, or blowing my own horn, because surely — somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something . . . something good.
See, just here. I’m stuck. The emotion swamps me, and unlike anger or righteous indignation, swamping love is harder for me to articulate. And it’s harder to feel unself-conscious. I think, maybe I should just tell this to you privately.
But I’m not private about the problems.
Why do compliments and happy-for’s seem tacky to me, but not complaining? (Surely it’s tackier to complain about one’s spouse?)
Well, here goes:
You might forget to take me on a date, but you always remember to take the family to the dollar theater.
You may carp about cleaning house on Saturday mornings, but the girls love going to your basketball games.
You ask me to stop swearing in front of the kids, but you make an honest goal to help more around the house.
You might not smell the baby’s dirty diaper, but you are never too tired to clean up the vomit while I comfort the sick kid.
You forget to buy me a present, but you always encourage me to have what I want.
You might be directionally challenged and sometimes completely oblivious, but I have never doubted your love and your patience and your faith and your goodness.
I have never been afraid to trust you with my thoughts, my feelings, my heart, my body, my love, my children, my dreams, my goals, and my future.
I trust you more than I trust myself. Even though you’re not perfect, and even though there have been times I’ve wished you had told me things before you told me, and even though I now know that some men are happy to break their promises, I would stake my life on your honor.
And if, for any reason, I had to start dating again tomorrow, I would spend years searching for someone exactly like you.
I don’t know if you’re as satisfied and content with me as I am with you (I don’t know how you could be, though I hope you are), and DANG it is such a cliche, but I love you more now than I ever imagined when we had our first date 11 years and 4 days ago, and sweetheart, I loved you a lot then.
love,
Shannon
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Hey Maria, I read this post. And I liked it.
This is a really good point about being honest about the good & the bad. This isn’t as funny, but it’s true – and even interesting. It’s like you’ve had an epiphany for both of us. Dick knows you love him, and I know you love him, and you know you love him, but it’s nice for the WWW to be totally clear on that too.
Dude – I’m gonna stumble it!
i loved the last picture — w Avery in the background looking aghast.
Actually, the whole post was very nice. Thank you.
Yet another “that is so true” line:
“And if, for any reason, I had to start dating again tomorrow, I would spend years searching for someone exactly like you.”
Because even if we didn’t envision ourselves with our spouse when we were younger, we sure as anything couldn’t envision ourselves without them now.
I’d love to hear the other side of the story. Come on, Dick, tell all. Remember Adam in the Garden and Pinkerton in another garden? Open your word-hoard, as Beowulf might say.
It sometimes feels easier to complain than to compliment. But really a balance is needed. Life is not all sweetness and fluff, nor bumbling and rudeness. This letter is well balanced and I love that it is real.
Dang it! You made me cry! (at least I haven’t put on mascara yet today, or taken a shower for that matter….too much info?) This is one of those posts that is hard to comment on because I feel like an intruder. And yet I am SO glad that you shared. And I have to tell you, I LOVE that second picture. You can see how much he loves you and I love your little girl in the background. Seriously, that picture is perfect! Thank you for sharing the good, although I understand why it’s so much easier to share the exasperating moments.
I feel the same way, too, sometimes. I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging but I have it good, too… this was very sweet!
Steph
Not tacky at all…very real…and I LOVE that!
This was actually very sweet! I hope your hubby appreciates it as it is a great reminder to the rest of us just how appreciative we should be of the great men in our lives.
That’s really sweet. I feel the same way about my husband and I think it’s time we shared it more!
I like watching you think.
I agree that it is tackier to complain about one’s husband in public. But yes, it is easier. And I know what you mean about not wanting to seem like I’m bragging. I think my Daily Gratitudes makes that easier. I’m SUPPOSED to say something good and it forces me to think of positive things nearly everyday. It’s sometimes really, really hard and I can’t even think of five things.
One thing that’s always come through loud and clear to me is that Tom lets you be you. He “lets” you tweet about him and blog about him in ways that are not always flattering. I imagine that if he made a big enough stink about it, you would stop because you’re not a stupid person and you value your marriage. He seems secure and he seems to accept you for your past and your present. That speaks volumes.
Honour and character is everything.
I admire that you don’t try to hide your foibles and you try to improve upon them. That’s all anyone can ever ask of anyone else.
About a month ago I was bragging about my wonderful husband to a fellow teacher. Saying how he is my best friend and the one person I look forward to seeing all day. She very meekly said “That can’t possibly be true. I’ve been married three times and I just don’t think an equal and happy marriage is possible.” I’m sure she thought I was exaggerating or lying in order to make my life sound good, but for those of us who truly have it good, we know the truth. We’re lucky girls. Lucky, lucky girls.
I love this post. Well I love all your posts but this one was extra special. I think our men need to what really think; especially because they don’t always pick up on the subtlies of what we do to SHOW them what we really think about them. Anyway, I agree with your comment, “Why do compliments and happy-for’s seem tacky to me, but not complaining?”. It’s the same as taking a compliment, we (I) always have to brush it off with a rationalization and not just a thank you. Thanks for reminding us that we do love our hubby’s and it’s ok to say it out loud for the world to hear!
Jane,
I loved this post. Thanks for writing it. I think we’ve got a solid relationship, and your blog has only deepened my respect and love for you. You have the perfect blogging voice — the same voice I fell in love with when we first met, years ago, on a class listserv exchanging thoughts about Walt Whitman. I enjoyed the pictures here too (I didn’t see those when I read this on my BlackBerry this morning.)
Again, your honesty just takes my breath away. Your love is good and true and beautiful. Your kids are lucky to have two such people in their lives, teaching them how to love.
When I was first married I learned that if I only complained about my husband, people got an overly skewed negative view of him. But then again, all sugar and sweet can be a little obnoxious.
A beautiful post. Your husband’s comment was also quite beautiful.
Jane, I’ve always been able to see your love for Tom through even your ranting man laundry, no Valentine’s gifts kind of post.
But seriously, your love and respect for your husband, your partner, the father of your children, is quite clear to me. You may feel you rant, but compared to the complaints I have been uncomfortable to hear from women near to or going through divorce, well, frankly, your “rants” don’t even rate as highly as a whiny pitched voiced (even for hours on end).
i love this…i try to post the good ones like this too…sometimes i have to hunt for something to write…i love that he is sooo good to us, but i would give anyting for him to be home more. and saying something sappy to him just gets a no way type response….he may love my sentimentality, but he dislikes it being directed at him…
steff
so we are allowed to use your real names now??
I like the picture w/ your daughter’s blurry expression, whatever her “name is” now. Every letter deserves to be illustrated, cheezy or not:)