Don’t you love @mooshinindy?

That’s when it hit me.

Google Man Laundry!

You’re #1 now.

By the way, Bwaaaahaaahaaaahaaaa!!!!! I *loved* this comment, as did my husband. I’m not big on the empty commercialized gestures, but they are nice.

“why is one of the ‘good’ guys so completely clueless?”

Gratefully, I feel like I have one of the “good” guys as well. Even more gratefully, he has a monologue he loves to share, that he shared when we were dating, so I would understand just how difficult it is for guys to catch hints or be clued in on things.

His monologue starts, “Why are guys so dumb?!?” He then goes on to explain:

“Girls are taught from tiny munchkinhood to be women. How to dress themselves, to brush their hair, to look cute, to take care of their dollies and dress them up, how to make crafty things, etc.

On the other hand, what do you do with little boys? You give them a ball and kick them out in the back yard. The reason you do this is because if boys really did know anything, they would be dangerous. So by the time they get to dating age, girls are fully educated on how to make themselves look gorgeous and attractive, and the boys have no idea what attractive even *is*.

So girl dolls herself up, tries to attract a guy, and the guys say to each other, ‘What’s she doing?’ ‘I don’t know. Wanna go get a burger?’ They leave her there in full desirability. Because they’re stupid.

So, 90% of the boys in the world grow up this way. Boys need to learn in late adolescence or even adulthood how to affirm and validate the woman’s efforts.”

But after all this monologue(which he just repeated to me and I typed verbatim), he adds, “But if this husband still missed it after being told point-blank, that’s unusual even for a guy.”

But, now, Kimberly speaking again, it proves to me even moreso that sometimes boys are just clueless!

Ok, now that you’ve explained the valentine situation in detail, um, I have one thing to say to your husband. He needs to buy you this cake:
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2008/06/way-all-apologies-should-be-made.html

No offense to your husband, as you’ve already pointed out he’s wonderful in lots of ways, but he blew it big time. If I was that specific to my husband and he didn’t follow through, I mean, c’mon! You spelled it out for him! If valentine’s day is important to you, he should do something for you. Especially if you spell out what you want.

I got this laptop last year for valentine’s day. Well, I asked for one, and it was in February, so I said it could be my valentine gift. And I LOVE it! I usually tell my hubby NOT to get me flowers, because the price is so jacked up. It’s when he takes out the garbage and makes me breakfast that feel he’s most romantic. But I do ask for flowers later, when the price comes back down.

And I must sympathise – no handmixer for Valentine’s day, even when you’d requested it. That’s gotta be worse than getting a vaccuum cleaner you didn’t want.
(I also know how you feel about nagging. It’s been almost three months since the house flooded, and our insurance company was ready to pay us the $12k for our damaged goods in early Jan. But my beloved wants to keep the piano, not write it off and have it carted away. So, he needs to get a quote to repair it and a quote to replace it. For the past six weeks … )

* Because it’s almost always tomorrow down here.

So, my husband is fantastic, BUT.

He asked a week ago if I wanted anything for Valentine’s Day, and I said that I’d like a new handmixer because mine finally gave up the ghost the other week. So on Saturday he says, (after I give him a big box of chocolates — he’s like a little kid with the chocolates), “Do you really want a handmixer?” And I say yes. He says, “So should I really go get you a handmixer from Walmart?” (bec. the stores are a good 20 minutes away, not that that stops me from doing the shopping.) And I explain how I don’t want to buy appliances from Walmart anymore, because they get the models with inferior parts when they insist on paying suppliers so little, and then I remind him that there’s a Target in the same shopping complex as the Walmart. AND YES I WANT A HANDMIXER FOR VALENTINE’S DAY.

And since all it takes is for a man to just be MADE AWARE of our needs, are you surprised that I did not get anything — no card, no flowers, no candy, and NO HANDMIXER for Valentine’s Day? No date, no dinner, no nothing. (We did take the kids to a cheap Mexican place and the dollar theater on Friday night, so maybe that counts).

Oh, and Valentine’s Day is the (11th) anniversary of our first ever date, so naturally it’s a really special holiday for us. (I’d put in a smiley face right there, but honestly — why is one of the “good” guys so completely clueless? Sometimes I’d do anything for an empty, commercialized gesture.)

(And I’m glad to hear your mom is doing better — at least I assume she is.)

(Oh, and I also made Dick molten lava cakes for V day.)

And Jane, when you clarify that you’ve already asked multiple times and hubby still isn’t doing what you need done, I do think that’s a diff. story.

I was commenting off the idea of us as women wanting our man to figure out what we want (i.e. read our moody minds), and to *want* to be the one who thinks it up and does it on their own. The whole psychology of that bugs me, where the girl is hurt/offended that the guy didn’t do something that seemed so obvious to her, so he sees she’s upset and says “What’s wrong?,” and she starts playing “the game” with him. “What? You don’t know what’s wrong?” So he tries a diff. approach. “I’m sorry, honey. I messed up.” But he can’t tell her what he did wrong, because he had no idea. So then she pouts and feels even more hurt. “Well, if you don’t even know what you did wrong, I’m not going to tell you!” When she finally tells him “I want you to walk in the house and see what needs to be done and just start doing it instead of me nagging you ten times,” he says, “Ok. No problem. I’ll go do those things right now. Which things did you want me to do first?” But she gets upset again that he can’t read her mind, and that he didn’t think to do it on his own, and she acts the martyr now and says, “Well, it’s ruined now anyway. It wouldn’t mean the same because I had to tell you to do it.”

I just hate mind games, and my hubby is grateful I don’t play them. Now that I think about it, your post really wasn’t saying anything about mind games and the pouty martyr woman. I also am against women wanting guys to be sensitive and nurturing and clued in, when they’re just not. Most of them aren’t built that way. We are. So I believe in telling them exactly what we need. Then they can run off with their caveman mentality and provide for us.

But I still say that I’m satisfied my hubby does dishes and laundry and other things without acting like he’s “helping out” with “my” work, but as a partner. I don’t feel the need that he has to like it. ; ) I certainly don’t like housework.

Anyway, update on my mom. I call her today to see how she’s doing, and in my dad’s defense, it turns out she never asked him for that blessing, but when she was coughing and sick this morning at 2 am and went out to the couch so she wouldn’t keep him up, he came out to her and asked if she wanted a blessing. On his own. Without her even telling him that I said to ask for one.

Awwwwwwwe. Major points to my dad this morning.

Oh. And p.s.–I still get mad at my man, too. Just not over the things pointed out in this post. I get SO mad at him, ‘cuz we both see each other at our worst, and disagree about lots of little details, sometimes even just how to spend President’s day (he gets it off, and does NOT want to go to the beach, and I want to play the martyr about what a good memory it will be for our kids even if he doesn’t want to go).

And Rixa — I did read a study somewhere that men living alone do spend much less time on housework than women living alone. But then you add in the fact that your spouse knows how important it is to you, and it becomes a gauge of whether or not he respects what you care about.

I can’t even imagine being married to a man who wasn’t as invested in our relationship or as not-selfish as my husband is.

But (to be completely honest) I still do get mad, even at this COULD BE MUCH WORSE man of mine.

It’s interesting. My sister (who got divorced this summer) is now in a relationship with a giver. (For whatever reason, I think a higher percentage of women are more naturally “givers.”) And my sister almost doesn’t know how to interact with this man who is so different from the taker she had. That’s something it would be worthwhile to get used to, though, so I’m sure it’ll all work out.

Sylwia — Wow, yes. It is all about being unselfish. And trying (on my part) to not make my unselfishness contingent on his (I mean, as long as he’s trying too!).

j — Just what I’ve always wanted — to be powerful in the realm of Man Laundry. (because you know that millions of people google that very thing every second.)

1.) I quit a very nicely paying job to do this job. A job that includes doing laundry, cleaning & cooking. Before I did my paying job and this job. So really, in the greater scheme of things, my job got easier. IT IS A JOB. I get up in the morning, and put on my “uniform” and get to work. Yes, my day is longer, yes I don’t get paid but it is still a job. I don’t expect my husband to work two jobs, just like he doesn’t make me work two jobs.

2.) I have a housekeeper. She comes twice a month. She just cleans the basics; bathrooms, vacuums, dusts, etc but it is enough that I don’t feel like a maid.

3.) I ask for help when I need it. I’ve learned to be self-aware and predict when I’m going to need help the most. If I know we are having company I make a “honey-do” list for David, put his name on the top and then say nothing. If he doesn’t get it done, he knows he didn’t do his part. As a rule it works.

I do think we women get married with this notion that we are of a generation that is enlightened and will somehow be able to accomplish something our mother’s could not. The truth is, it is biological and practical. It is very difficult for two people to keep track of the feeding schedule of one infant. It is very difficult for two people to own the same tasks. It is the first rule of project management; if two people “own” a task than nobody owns it.

I’m happy with my arrangement because A.) it is MY arrangement and B.) I changed my expectations to meet my reality. And you know what? I love and adore my husband and if he wants to live in a house where he can throw his dirty clothes on the floor, next to his bed then God bless him, just don’t expect me to wash them.

You must be getting more powerful… it was the second result when I googled it.

So possessing the female intuition that I do, I figured out what matters to him (yummy food, awesome intimate life, happy wife that compliments him every waking hour). So that’s what my main priorities in life are.

This all comes down to how selfish we and our spouse decides to be. I would never do what I do for a selfish man…but what about a semi selfish man? I don’t know. Kindness has to begin with someone, I’m just glad in my relationship it began with my husband…

But I do get mad when I have to ask/tell repeatedly. Because then I feel like a nagger. I know my husband’s work colleagues don’t have to ask him more than once for work things. So why would I have to ask 5 million times at home? Men ARE capable of remembering laundry and trash, etc from day to day, but they often choose not to.

(Honestly, I think this is related in some way to a fault of my own — that I might yell at my husband for doing something that I would never criticize a friend for doing. And that’s wrong. It’s also wrong for a husband to be more consistently responsive and accountable for work things than house things).

And why is it even phrased as “helping out”? Is it helping out when I just do what needs doing? Is it called “babysitting” when I take care of the kids?

Expecting my husband to be as responsible and as taking-of-initiative at home as I know he is at work and in his blogging is not insecurity on my part (at least I really don’t think it is), it’s … well, I’m sure it’s a futile expectation, but having to remind a grown-up (multiple times over 11 years) to do things they’ve already committed to do of their own free will and choice — that’s a little bit demeaning. (I meant to say — it’s demeaning to both of us, just as it is when I yell at him for things that a friend would get a pass on.)

In fact, Jane, the tone of your post and some of what you expressed sound a lot like what I just wrote!!

The reason women want men to read their minds is that they want affirmation. They want to know that they are loved enough that the people around them think about helping them/loving them/complimenting them on their own. It’s insecurity.

I made a step recently toward getting over that: I ASKED FOR HELP. I asked for a LOT of help and I TOLD my husband, “This is what I need. You need to phone people to arrange it.” And he did. And even though we asked, even though it wasn’t all spontaneous, I have never felt more loved in my life.

I’m not one to overtly plug my blog posts, but y’all should really read it. It changed me and might be a light bulb moment for you, too.

How to love a woman: http://www.becomingsomething.com/2009/02/how-to-love-a-woman.html