My sister-in-law Liz bought her minivan under protest last year. She was reluctant to trade in her sporty red car for a frumpy mom-mobile.
I had warned her, before the birth of her first child, that the cute little trunk on her cute little Jetta might not hold the mounds of diapers, groceries, and leftover fry sauce packets that every mother needs. But apparently an Amen-calling evangelist for the Honda Odyssey is not considered an impartial authority on car matters.
At least, not until Liz had her second child and a revelation from on high that, perhaps, the Touring edition of the great and awesome Odyssey wouldn’t be such a step down.
Which has nothing to do with my post today. I just wanted to point out that what for some people is a necessary evil associated with raising children is for other people the very pinnacle of mankind’s technological innovations.
And for some of those enlightened people, it is also what Mt. Sinai was to the children of Israel.
And lo, let us recount what has been learned from the burning bush of unleaded gasoline:
The Minivan Decalogue
I. Thou shalt not despise the vehicle that holdests all thine earthly possesions. (Plus up to five of thine offspring.)
II. Thou art not as fat as thou thinkest. (Not compared to a 4600 pound minivan, anyway.)
III. Thou shalt not condemn the leather as the fur. (Especially if the leather comes heated.)
IV. Remember the time of the school pick-up and keep it holy. (Be on time while they still acknowledge you, and graciously late when they’d rather not.)
V Honor thy mother with silence, that thy days may be long in the land.
VI Thou shalt not kill thine battery. (At least not all the way.)
VII Thou shalt not criticizeth the driving of thy dearest companion. (His parking and directional sense, on the other hand, are fair game.)
VIII Thou shalt not steal school lunch. (Or sit idly by when your daughter tells you that, yes she forgot to hand in her lunch check again, but no, she doesn’t think it’s a problem because “lunch should be free at school.” My child, knowest thou not that we art Republicans?)
IX Thou shalt not assume thou knowest better than the lit-up notifiers-of-things on the dashboard.
X Thou shalt not covet the most confining of carseats. (Not if you *ahem* occasionally lock your keys (and your kids) in the car.)
Jane
Please tell me you’ve learned something from your noble steed. I am not alone in seeing deeper messages here, right?
I feel horribly self-conscious when trying to write funny. I love reading funny, but funny does not come naturally to me. So there. But I’m linking this up to Sue’s (very) funny Friday anyway. Because at least this is funnier than my Yell-er’s Anonymous post, eh? I’ll even categorize this under “Fun.” (Who even knew I had a “Fun” category?
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This post had me laughing. I love it when you’re funny. I also like your other moods too.
The minivan has truly been the best car we’ve had. We need to go on more road trips with it.
Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…
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Thou shall honor any vehicle that has enough cup holders for every person in the car to have their own drink as well two extras that can hold a back up Diet Coke (or Mountain Dew).
Thou shall revere any vehicle that has built-in sun shades so as to prevent the “but Mommy the sun is SOOOO bright” for 5 hours while driving to Grandma’s house
Thou is blessed to have a vehicle that allows you to hold hands of all children at the same time while crossing busy parking lot AND open the sliding doors automatically.
I too LOVE my Honda Odyssey and this is coming from a woman who drove a Ford Expedition for 6 years. I embrace my mini-van, my two car seats and my yoga mat. These are the merit badges of motherhood.
I totally wish I had a Honda Odyssey… A good friend just got a new one that has a jump seat so they can seat all six of their kids now. I am coveting.
11. Thou shalt not let thine vehicle become a roving dumpster.
11(a) Thou shalt not collect Diet Coke cans in thine vehicle
11(b) If thou be blessed with the Honda Odyssey’s many compartments – thou shalt not use them as pay stub filing cabinets
My friend’s all laugh at my Honda O before they get in – but it’s the most pimped out ride of ANYONE!
I thought it was very funny. Especially number 4, after reading your other posts, and the Republican comment.
We totaled our old, yet luxurious van and replaced it with a bare minimum gigantic Dodge Caravan. It’s not too fun to drive around. My husband is still coveting the days when we were both working and thought we could afford a Lexus RX600. Now, that was a nice car!
What, not funny?! You’re soooo funny! As you know we’re joining the Mini-van community soon, but I still haven’t reconciled myself to the possibility of being glad about it. Always said I would never drive a minivan. That being said, that was back in the “old days” when the Astrovan was prevalent. Nowadays, there are some pretty great minivans out there, the Odyssey is definitely one of them. Glad to have had the chance to sample yours, often. Good ride, GRRREAT company.
Thanks!
I think you’re funny…but even better I think you’re thought-provoking. I love reading your blog (though I may not comment; I finally checked my google reader list today and saw that you had 8 posts I hadn’t read!)
I don’t know if I agree on the whole mini van thing though. It really is possible to squish three carseats into a regular sedan. Believe me, I’ve done it over and over again with my sister-in-laws (it gets me out of driving…I just hitch a ride with one of them) But to each his own car/vehicle from heaven.
Stacy (and others) — Yes, the Odyssey is expensive. We bought ours used. It had 90k miles and was 3 years old, and the monthly payment is still painful. But I think I’d sell a kidney before I had to part with it. (Assuming, of course, that I had two working kidneys.)
Genius, I am not a mini van driver but just recently upgraded from a sedan to a pathfinder. Many of things comments still apply! And even though I personally don’t drive a mini van, I TOTALLY understand and sometimes envy the many wonderful features that would be so helpful to a mommy.
Thanks again for your words, I always think you are funny!
hmmmm I was always one who was never going to drive one and it became a necessary evil when we added # 3. I love love love the space, but the roads where we live are killing it and i am thinking we will probably go back to a larger suv next time…
steff
i tried to follow your link to more funny stories, but i found them mildly amusing at best. there are very few people who are funny without trying. one is my friend Brandi here are a couple of her posts that your readers may enjoy:
http://douglassdiaries.blogspot.com/2009/02/get-out-of-pool-you-filthy-filthy-whore.html
http://douglassdiaries.blogspot.com/2009/01/people-watching-at-y.html
Oh, I love this one! In Sweden, we had a huge white Ford utility van. And it looked like a beast compared to the sleek smart cars dotting the roads. We called it the “Great White Beast”. Here are some memorable lessons from our beloved GWB.
1. Thou shalt not attempt to park in parking garages.
2. Thou shalt always pray before embarking on European vacation adventures. You never know when those prayers will come in handy.
3. Thou shalt share the van generously with others. (We could haul so much stuff in the van, like bicycles, people, luggage, etc.)
4. Thou shalt be careful when driving on narrow scenic roads in England.
5. Thou shalt not argue with your husband while he is backing up.
Thanks, Sylwia. I am enjoying your friend Brandi’s posts, though I have to admit the Filthy, Filthy Whore one, while funny, made me really, really angry (on behalf of your friend and WOMEN EVERYWHERE).
I think you are more funny than you think you are. I love my minivan. It is not the most aesthetically pleasing, and even in this small town it’s definitely not one of a kind, but it’s comfortable, we fit, and it’s mine. Who cares if it’s not the trendiest or whatever? It fits me just fine.