Because then there’d be no way they’d fit in my mouth.
On my post about adoption yesterday, I made a dumb assumption, and I realized today, when a commenter (kindly) pointed it out to me, and when I considered some of the other things I’d said, that I may have offended one of my good friends, a woman who is one of the best moms I know, a mom who has adopted two boys now, both through private adoptions, both babies. And I feel doubly bad because I know she has pursued every avenue to start a family, from the best of motives and the purest of feelings. Anyway, Danielle, I’m sorry if it sounded like I was anything but supportive of the choices and decisions you’ve made. Your sons are so incredibly lucky to have you as a mom.
One reason adoption is so fascinating to me is because it’s always purposeful. It’s impossible (I think) to unexpectedly adopt, as it is to unexpectedly become pregnant. Hopefully all of our babies, all of our children, are loved truly and deeply, however they come to us — by “accident” or by determined design.
There’s just something about the special circumstances of adoption — an extra element of choice. When you get pregnant, you have no idea what your baby will be like, and you’re bound by biology to accept whatever comes. With adoption, you can back out if the baby is a boy, or if it’s a girl, or if the physical or mental or emotional challenges are more than you can handle. When people don’t shrink from these decisions, when they sign up on purpose for something any harder than it has to be, I do admire them.
Especially because, as Tracey said, adoptive parents don’t adopt for our respect and awe, but simply because they want a child to love.
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I love that you are strong enough to apologize publicly to your friend. Especially since she probably already knew you didn’t intend to offend anyone.
Your post didn’t come off as condescending, to me. I think it was just one of those instances where tone of voice and facial expression didn’t transfer through written word.
Hey Jane.
Your right, I was kind of offended by your post yesterday and really appreciate your apology in posting today. I really wasn’t sure how to take it, but am glad you clarified your intentions. Adoption is a very sensitive subject for me because of my two adopted boys who mean the world to me. It has touched my life greatly, and unless someone has adopted, plans to adopt, or has a close relationship with someone that is adopted, they, and the rest of the world untouched by adoption probably wouldn’t understand a lot that is involved with adopting or raising an adopted child. I don’t expect you to know much about adoption because you have had no reason to learn much about it, so I completely understand your misjudgments which many people have had before you.
I hope you don’t mind me using this comment as an example, I just want to make a point here…comments like “if Sally had been adopted, I would have taken her back and said that I changed my mind.” can be absolutely devastating to an adopted child. If an adopted child heard someone say that, what would they think? They would think that it is a REAL option to be given back because they really are adopted…they may have that fear in the back of their minds forever. Wouldn’t that be a huge problem?
In the movie Stuart Little (the little mouse that was adopted by humans). One day his mouse parents came back and they human parents gave him right back to his mouse parents. Now, any regular person wouldn’t think a thing about that movie being detrimental to an adopted child’s attachment and confidence, but for me, I fear letting my children watch that movie because I do not want them to have a fear in the back of their minds that their birth parents are going to show up at the door one day and take them back. Being an adoptive parent entails so much in filtering and shielding your children from hurtful comments, movies, and ideas about their adoptions. I try every single day to make sure that I do everything I can to ensure my children will be confident and secure in our family and never question their adoption. So I wanted to respond to your post to clarify and educate so more people will understand the dynamics of adoption.
I’m totally not trying to call you out on your comment, I am just hoping that your readers out there may read my comment and learn something about adoption so that they do not cause hurt and pain to an adopted child, or to their parents, because of innocent or even ignorant comments.
So far, we have been home from adopting Owen for about 3 weeks. In this three week I have heard the most inappropriate comments from strangers about Owen’s Asian looking eyes, his dark skin, how he and Liam look nothing alike. They see Owen and look at me, and give me strange looks. I have had people come out bluntly and ask if he was adopted. People feel that because your child is adopted that they have free range to all the details in the adoption story. “Why did his mom give him up?”, “Why didn’t she want him?”, “What about his dad?”, “Was she on drugs?”, Bla, Bla, Bla….It’s almost equivalent to me walking up to a stranger and asking them in front of their kid if their son was conceived out of wedlock? Was he an accident, or did they mean to have him? I’m just like come on…do you really think that you, a stranger, in Walmart, deserves to know the most intimate details of my son’s adoption story? Absolutely not! It is his story and his to share. The worst for me is when they look at Liam, my Caucasian adopted son, and say, “but he’s really yours right?” I want to answer, “they both are really mine you moron! They are MY sons!!”. Instead I pretend to look confused like I don’t understand what they are asking, so she repeats her question and gestures at me with her eyebrows, “he is your real son, right?” I answer, “yes, but we did adopt him too if that is what you are asking”. The comments continue all over again about Liam’s adoption…. Then I get the comments like “oh, they are so lucky…you are so amazing to adopt, etc…” The truth is, I am so lucky to have been able to adopt these boys, and it is so not about me. My boys are AMAZING!!! I adopted because I wanted to be a mom and have kids, I am more than lucky to have them!!
I just think the whole attitude towards adoption is very sad. I know those examples I just gave had nothing to do with your posting, I just feel that I should enlighten your and your readers on being an adoptive parent and how hard it is to shield your child from hurtful comments. My children do not understand the comments now at ages 5 months and 2 years old, but in a few years, how will they feel when people are asking about their adoption, or if Liam is my “real child” in front of them. My responses are critical to how they feel about themselves and their adoption story.
On your comment:
“I realize that older kids will often have more pressing emotional and psychological needs than babies, but if there are 129,000 kids who need to be adopted (cost-free!), I don’t want to see any more of those “Help us Adopt” fundraiser buttons.* (The newborn years are not the best childhood years anyway. Trust me on this.)”
I had a help us adopt button on my blog as a fundraiser, so that is probably where you got the idea that all people that have it on their blogs are asking for donations. Some of my friends were more than generous because they understood the feelings of wanting a child so badly and wanted to help us get there. Others probably felt the same way that you do and were annoyed by my button, which is OK as well. I would do anything to have another child even if it rubbed some people the wrong way.
The point I wanted to make though on the foster care discussion in your posting and in your readers responses is that I do not think it is fair though to assume that everyone that cannot have kids should just accept it and be ready to adopt a 7 year old from foster care. Come on, we already missed out on the joys of pregnancy, the excitement of having your husband rush you to the hospital in labor, the bonding with a newborn and your spouse right after birth, registering for gifts, having a baby shower, being sent flowers or balloons to celebrate your new arrival….none of that really happens when you adopt. People treat you so differently when you adopt a baby. We missed out so much we still want to adopt a baby and have some normalcy in our stages of life. Its supposed to be: Marriage, Pregnancy, Baby, Toddler, Kid, then Teenager, not jump right from being married to having an older kid. I could totally make the same point about foster care to any pregnant woman out there, “why are you bringing in another child to this earth when there are 129,000 kids in foster care that need homes.” Why are the parents that choose to adopt internationally, or any way other than foster care questioned for their decision to do so? Why can’t pregnant couples face the same scrutiny? I feel that any adoption is so personal, just as choosing when to get pregnant again is. How my husband and I came to the decision to adopt Owen from the Marshall Islands is very personal. All I can say is that God led us to our children and we know without a doubt that these boys are supposed to be ours. We have prayed with all of our hearts to know how we should develop our family, and the route that God has led us on may not meet some peoples approval, but we know in our hearts that this is what is right for us. Maybe someday we will be lead to foster care, but at the time, none of the children that we had inquired about were working out for us. I know that Owen and Liam were meant to be our sons!
I just hope that some of your readers, and people that left comments on your last posting may change their opinions on international adoption, or adoption in general, and understand that families are made in many different ways and no one should scrutinize the decisions that adoptive parents make on how they should create their families.
Danielle, thank you for sharing your experience and comments. It is always nice to hear another perspective.
Jane, I have a sister in law who was adopted and also another relative that recently adopted as well. Of course I realized as I read your previous post that what you were saying was not meant to offend anyone and that you realized that decisions such as those are very personal. But maybe that’s just because I feel like I know you. I have had friends who couldn’t have children and I am completely aware of how hard it is for me to relate since it happens so easily for me. But at the same time it’s hard sometimes to have to feel guilty and walk on eggshells because you are afraid that you will offend them when you talk of your own children or even just have them there. It’s a hard subject but also one that is good to learn more about. So this has been a learning experience for me. S
Danielle — I’m so glad you took the time to write this. I’ve learned a lot, and it makes me feel so ashamed — I know I’ve been the one to ask inappropriate questions (or usually just to think them, bec. usually I don’t talk to strangers at Wal-mart at all
.
I never would have thought about the Stuart Little thing similar to what I said about Sally. My point with that was a reflection on how completely overwhelmed and in-over-my head I was when we first brought her home — I really did think what I said I thought, and part of it was that — here’s this child who is my flesh and blood, and at the very beginning, maybe before we had developed the bond that we have now — I felt less attachment to her than I imagine most adoptive parents feel towards their kids that they don’t even have this biological tie to. (Does that make any sense?)
On the “deserving to experience a newborn” thing, you’re absolutely right that it would be weird and strange to move from marriage to a 7 yo kid with all the extra baggage. I just can’t think about those 7 yo’s (too sad), but since I’m not adopting from FosAdopt, I know I shouldn’t say anything about other people not doing it.
Anyway. I feel extra dumb because I know we’ve talked about adoption before, and I knew some of your thoughts and feelings on it.
There were a couple of things I didn’t mention that were interesting/worrisome to me. The book that Susan reviewed (that I linked to on the first post) really shocked her by some of the statements that people have made against transracial adoption and on how hard it is on the kids sometimes, esp for black children brought up by white families.
The other thing was another part of the story of Rocks in my Dryer’s brother adopting from Ethiopia. While they were in Ethiopia, the family took their new 11 month old adopted daughter with them to see their 11 yo Compassion-sponsored child.
They said the sponsored child was really shy and quiet and they didn’t know how she felt towards them, but she was really interested in the baby.
Now maybe I am just a complete whacko imagining things, but I thought of that 11 yo, who is attending school for the first time this year, and of the life she’ll continue to lead in Ethiopia (albeit with a family) and wondered if she has any idea what kind of like the adopted baby is going to have here in America compared to the life she has.
Probably that little girl is just grateful to be sponsored so she can go to school, and loves her family and is content (it always astonishes me how happy children esp. can be in the most dire of circumstances, like the garbage city people in Cairo), but it struck me that adoption is capricious in the way it can change one child’s life a million degrees and another child, a child who isn’t chosen, their life stays the same.
(And maybe it would just be better to say that fate seems capricious in that we’re born in monetarily-blessed circumstances, but that takes God out of the equation, and I know that He is mindful of each of us on earth equally. It’s just hard, sometimes, to imagine what His plan is for the kids who don’t get adopted.
(Sorry, that was a rather long diversion).
I wanted to say again that I think your sons are lucky to have you, and that, as you are so aware and conscious of how your words and the words of others can affect how they feel about themselves, that they will get everything they need from you.
And I think you should write more about adoption. More posts, maybe articles, a book? Tell me how it is day-to-day with the rude people at Wal-mart so I can stop myself from making the same mistakes.
Oh, and I wasn’t actually thinking of you when I said the “foster adoption” fundraiser buttons. I had seen a few “Help Us Adopt” buttons lately on the Seriously So Blessed site, right under her ads, and something about that rubbed me the wrong way.
Then when Rach pointed out that those were “awareness” buttons, I went to the site and clicked on them (which I could’ve done in the first place when I noticed them), and sure enough, they were spread-the-word buttons.
It wasn’t till then that I remembered that I thought you had something on your blog about selling things you’d made in order to raise money. (and I felt like such an ass). (and selling things or working to earn money or even asking for donations on your own blog is not what I was talking about anyway.) (but I’m still an ass.)
I have to say the thoughtless comments can come no matter how your children came to be….I have 3 boys 5, 4, and 6 weeks. I also have a neice who is 4 who spends a lot of time with us. Many are the comments about why did I have so many, didnt I know what caused it, and of course now with my 3 boys I hear the oh you were trying for a girl…ummmm, NO i wasn’t and you are damn lucky that my kids dont understand you YET….Not to lessen anyones feelings, because I certainly dont mean to. I have a very good friend who was adopted and a couple of very good friends who adopted children. I think its awesome and I am so glad you posted the info on fos-adopt, we are looking into it as a future possibility. Steff
Sharla,
You definitely should not feel guilty over your own happiness and blessing of children when faced with a friend with fertility problems. I have always been truly happy for my friends when they have gotten pregnant that they did not have to go through the same hell with fertility treatments, miscarriage, etc…that I did. Have I felt bad for myself? Sure I have, but I have always been truly happy for my friends that were pregnant and happy. I hope that this is the case with your friends as well that they are truly happy for you!
Steffj89,
You are right that thoughtless comments are made to everyone about their children, but I think the magnitude of damage that comments made towards adoption is a lot more severe to the adopted child. People literally ask me in front of my children “Why didn’t his real mother want to keep him, he is so cute?” That type of question is totally different than questioning your decision to have so many kids, or boys for that matter. My child hearing someone say “Why didn’t his real mother keep him” can cause so much damage to his self-worth and self-esteem. If he continues to hear it as often as we have heard it in the past few weels, will he grow up thinking, “well why didn’t she keep me, was I not good enough for her? Did she not love me?”
The foster to adopt program is a great program. Be aware though that many of the social workers that you talk to about the children will advise you to not adopt out of birth order, so if your youngest child is 4, they would only allow you to adopt a child under 4. They feel that this is the best interest for the other children in the home. We had inquired about adopting a sibling group of a 4 and 2 year old, and they thought it would be too hard on our 2 year old son, so they would not consider us for placement. A great place to start is http://www.adoptuskids.org. These kids are already free for adoption and have their parental rights terminated if you are really serious about it. Good luck.
Jane,
I do not want you to feel ashamed or like an ass at all!!!! I honestly didn’t mean my posting to make you feel guilty, I just thought that it was a good platform to share my experiences so people would understand how detrimental comments about adoption can be. It doesn’t mean not to make them, just to be cautious about what you say and who is around when you say them is all. Honestly Shannon, you have no reason to know what it feels like to face these comments, so you shouldn‘t feel bad about it. I am sure before I adopted I innocently had assumptions and misconceptions about adoption as well. I know before I had a miscarriage, I was very insensitive about it. I was like “oh, she had a miscarriage, that’s too bad” thinking, well she can just get pregnant again….I never understood the pain and grief that accompany a miscarriage and I am sure that I have been insensitive to people that have had one before I understood the magnitude of what they had gone through by going through it myself. So, what I am trying to say, is that I do not expect you to know what challenges adoptive families have when you are not in one, I just wanted to inform you of some so you would know really.
I do understand what you said to clarify your comment about giving Sally back. But in reality, if you had adopted her, there is no way you would have ever even thought to give her back, you would have guarded her with your life after all it took to get her…not including fertility treatments…you would have gone through months of paperwork, personal interviews, marriage evaluations, background checks (for every state you have ever lived in and FBI checks as well), medical exams and blood work, 10 hours of adoption education classes, been required to read several adoption books, traveled to another state or country and waited a very long time to just get that baby in your arms…not to mention all the money you spent in the process….so while I understand now what you are saying about the attachment lacking and being overwhelmed in the beginning…going through what an adoptive parent goes through to get a baby, you wouldn’t even think to give her back, you would guard her with your life and treasure every single second you are up at 2am rocking her back to sleep. I do get what you are saying though…just trying to get you to word it differently next time if possible. J
I think it is so sad about all of the kids in foster care as well and it breaks my heart. I worked with foster kids when I lived in Florida and it broke my heart every day to see what they have been through. I think what I want to point out is something I recently realized: just because a child needs a home does not mean that your home is the right one for that child. There was a 6 year old girl in the Marshall Islands that stayed with us for almost two weeks in our hotel. I fell in love with her, she was basically an orphan that was listed with the adoption agency and we tried our hardest to bring her home with us. She was so sweet and loving and it broke my heart that we couldn’t adopt her. She was living in a one room house/shack in an impoverished country with about 13 other children basically fending for herself. If Liam dropped some food on the floor, she would run over and eat it before I would throw it away because she really had those survival instincts that she needs to eat everything she sees because she may not have food again for a few days. She hid food under the bed and had all the hoarding symptoms from a severely insecure childhood. We tried everything to bring her home with us. We talked to the Central Adoption Agency, our attorney, the judge. But since we were adopting Owen, there was no way that we could bring her home as well. We prayed about it and both felt that it was not right for us to pursue any longer. I still took care of her and bought her new clothes, treated her infections and hopefully gave her a great two weeks with us, but she was not meant to come to our home or there would have been a way. I found out last week that a family in Japan is adopting her and I was so happy!! My point is that it just was not meant to be with us. This other family has so many more resources to help her learn English, get her the counseling she will need to overcome her hoarding, and tutor her through school. Not everyone can handle these issues at their current stage in life, but maybe someday Sally, Susan, and Spot will be teenagers and you will open your heart to a foster child and adopt them….you never know.
I had never heard of the book that Susan reviewed, but I will have to check it out. One thing I have noticed is that many of the books about Transracial adoption are pretty outdated. Many were written in the 70’s and earlier and do not address modern views or current issues. The book that Susan reviewed was published in 2000, which means it is already almost a decade old, plus it was based on adult transracial adoptees that were interviewed about their childhood experiences. If they were adults in the year 2000, they must have been children around the 1970‘s, so I would personally consider this book outdated information to use as a reference to raising biracial children in today’s world. Seriously…it is a totally different time now to raise a biracial child than it was in the 1970’s. I would tell Susan to get a new book….
We strongly considered the Ethiopia program. I have been in contact with that agency for a few years. I am sure that the Compassion-sponsored child was uncomfortable meeting them. I am sure there was not only a language barrier, but she may have never seen white people before. When we were adopting Owen in the RMI, I never felt so much like an outsider. I was watched wherever I went. Kids just wanted to touch Liam because he was a “rubella” which translates into alien, but they use it to refer to white people. We were just so foreign to them. Maybe she was scared of this couple as well or didn’t understand the situation. I do completely understand what you are saying about this 11 yo, and don’t know how she felt. It would be really hard at that age to start a life in a new country with a new family, but she is lucky to be able to go to school when so many others cannot.
I also wonder what is God’s plan for the kids that do not get adopted. I wish I could adopt them all and be some sort of super mom.
I really appreciate your comments and clarifications on your posting! Mostly, I am grateful that you are open to discussion and willing to see another perspective on a topic like this. I know your initial posting was not meant to be controversial or offend anyone and I really hope that you do not feel bad for offending me or anyone you have ever made a comment to about their kids in Walmart, or Target…or wherever you do talk to strangers.
Someday I do plan to write more about adoption. Right now, all I want to do is sleep!! But I am graduating with my B.A. PSY this spring and will be working on my Masters in Social Work after that so that I can be an adoption Social Worker…by then, hopefully I will have a book or even some articles in the works.
Jane, I just want to say that before reading this post, I would have been right up there with you, probably shoving both of my feet (and I’m talking size 11-12 US, so they are not dainty!) into my mouth on this issue. I have been hugely blessed that so far in my life, I haven’t dealt with any fertility issues, and after reading through these posts and comments, I can see that I have probably had a fairly simplistic view of adoption, even though I’m aware it can have huge financial costs for the adopting parents, so I know it’s not in any way trivial.
Danielle’s comment about how an adopted parent, even of a newborn, would not have the “oh my goodness, I didn’t expect this, can I return the baby?” reaction reminded me of a friend at church. She’s a few years older than me, and struggled through multiple miscarriages, and now has three children, with the assistance of fertility treatments. She has made me feel that somehow my M is less precious to me than her children are to her, and in some way, she is probably right. I didn’t have to drive to a doctor’s office every morning to get needles and have to take medication to stay pregnant and whatever other measures she had to take. I can’t know her experiences, I can empathise with what I know about, but except for the occasional comments and glimpses into her life, I can’t know.
But reading comments like Danielle’s helps me to understand the different paths and the different ways families come together (and I have an ex-stepmother and a stepmother, so I’m not flustered by these things!). I blithely made a comment to a school friend on facebook that his son should have a sleepover with his grandparents, and that he and his wife should have a date night or some such thing. He gently chided my ignorance that he and his wife could not leave their son with even a family member for a few months yey, because he was adopted and needs to develop a firm bond with them. Had to open my jaw pretty wide to get my foot out that day.
I’m not sure of the US system, but I understand that in Australia, it is easier to adopt internationally. My friend’s son was born in Taiwan, and they’ve just submitted papers to adopt a sibling. The adoption process here can take years, there are times when the government agencies put a hold on adoptions within Australia for months or even years, and as there are strict rules about how old you can be to adopt (e.g. 35 or 40 is the max. age), overseas adoptions are ‘simpler’ (not that any adoption is simple or easy).
Hugh Jackman and his wide, Debora-Lee Furness, adopted their children in the US (I believe) because it was beaureaucratically easier for them to do so. Debora-Lee is now campaigning in Australia to help relax the arcane and prohibitive adoption rules we have, and to help make it easier to adopt a child, whether they were born here or overseas. Hopefully her profile will help the cause.
And that’s a waaaay longer comment from someone who knows so little. I’m glad the posts and the comments have educated me a bit more than the Hallmark Adoption shows I’ve seen on TV.
Okay well I posted my last comment before I read this, so I hope I didn’t say anything too offensive.
I have to agree with Sharla in that you can’t know everyone’s situation and can’t walk on eggshells at all time. And Steff because, yeah, people say thoughtless things about your family no matter how it was created. But reading Danielle’s comment was an eye-opener. I appreciate her willingness to educate those that are not involved with adoption.
I am not familiar with being an adoptive parent, but I do have a step-daughter and I get ALL sorts of crazy questions. “Where is her REAL mom?” I’m a mom too. And I’m her mom even if she’s only at our house three days a week. Oh and “isn’t it so different with your OWN kid?” No. I love her the same. She’s my baby too. But I can’t be too upset because unless you are familiar with the situation, you really can’t know.
Great, now I really want to adopt.
Yes, it’s impossible to walk on eggshells all the time, but I do want to try to be more aware and considerate. Mostly more aware, because as soon as I am aware, I can make better decisions about what to say/think/do.
One thing: I imagine that if Sally overhears me talking about how I thought (wished) I would take her back if that had been an option — that could potentially hurt her feelings and affect her feelings of self-worth. So does that mean I should never tell her I felt that way? Probably not when she’s young, but when she’s a new mother and if she feels the same despair and dismay that I did, you can bet your life I’m going to tell her that I felt the same way when she was a kid. It had nothing to do with her as a person, and everything to do with me as a mom.
Keeping quiet about our less-enviable, more-human moments creates some sort of illusion about our lives. When I had my second and dealt with the new feelings of having to divide my attention and loyalty between my daughters, I remember talking to my mom about it, and she told me that she remembered once getting me and my sister (I’m the oldest) ready to go somewhere, and it was so hard, and she sat on the floor in front of the closed front door holding my little sister, and when I came up to them, she pushed me away. (I was 3 at the time).
Now, I could get all in a twist about this rejection, but really, I was just glad to know that my wonderful, perfect mother (perfect for me), had felt the same conflict in trying to care for her two kids.