A couple I love, “George & Martha,” are considering adoption. I was a bit surprised; I know George and Martha have wanted kids for some time now, but adoption isn’t something I’m personally familiar with. I admire people who adopt, greatly. Especially since I remember when my first, Sally, was just born. Caring for a newborn was so much more exhausting and consuming than I had expected, that I thought to myself if Sally had been adopted, I would have taken her back and said that I changed my mind.
But George and Martha are careful, aware people. Their adoption profile/bio was appealing enough that I’m half-tempted to do my kids a favor and turn them over to parents who will really appreciate them. (Kidding! — I appreciate my kids. A lot).
So I’ve been thinking about adoption. About my cousin who has adopted several older children from the U.S. and around the world, and about all the added concerns that accompany adoption. Concerns about racial differences and older children with different needs and assimilating the child into the family.
Once you start thinking about something, it seems to crop up everywhere. This week on the NY Times Motherlode blog, Lisa Belkin featured Nia Vardalos, who recently adopted a 5-year-old girl. Apparently there are 129,000 kids in foster care in the U.S. Kids (not babies) who can be adopted for free (or close to it). I realize that older kids will often have more pressing emotional and psychological needs than babies, but if there are 129,000 kids who need to be adopted (cost-free!), I don’t want to see any more of those “Help us Adopt” fundraiser buttons.* (The newborn years are not the best childhood years anyway. Trust me on this.)
(*Updated to say* Ack, I’m so embarrassed. Face flaming. Rach pointed out in a comment that these buttons are spread-the-word buttons, not asking for donations-to-the-cause. I think it probably says something terrible about me that I just assumed otherwise. Sorry!!)
Also this week, my good friend Susan, who recently adopted a baby, reviewed the book In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories. Susan is very concerned with raising a happy, well-adjusted child. In Their Own Voices stresses the challenges adoptive parents face in honoring the ethnic and cultural heritage of their children of different races.
Over at Rocks in my Dryer, Shannon has been sharing the story of her brother’s adoption of an Ethiopian girl. It’s a beautiful story, of course. Heartwarming, even. The baby was loved even before she was seen. But it has made me think that even the most supremely well-meaning of people can do odd things in their quest to bring a baby home.
Shannon’s brother’s baby’s name is Tarikwa Teka, and the family plans to call her Tarik. No! I thought. Tarik is a boy’s name in Arabic, and since Ethiopia is just south of the Middle East, I’d guess that Tarik is a male name there too, with the “wa” possibly being a feminine ending (like George/Georgia). I looked on Wikipedia and found that Amharic, the language of Ethiopia, is indeed a Semitic language.
Maybe in Middle America there will be no one who’s ever been to the Middle East to point out that Tarik is a male name (and I could be wrong, I’m not adopting from Ethiopia, after all, so I haven’t really researched it), but it seems like an appropriate name would be the first step towards honoring a child’s cultural heritage.**
It might be tempting to think that love will conquer all, and that, if only one could adopt, or if only one could get pregnant, or if only I could some weeks have a real job instead of wiping noses all day, we’d really all be happy.
Love will conquer at length, I am sure, but maybe love could use some help.
George and Martha are extra-cautious right now as they consider adoption. We all know couples and families facing serious struggles: economic hardship, post-partum depression, still-birth, divorce, illness.
Life is so uncertain. Bringing a child into a marriage or a family makes it harder to paper over any cracks there might be.
How do you know if your marriage or your family is strong enough to adopt a child, to provide that child with everything she or he is entitled to (and I’m not talking about monetary things beyond actual necessities). How do you know when it’s the right time to begin or expand your family? How do you know you’re doing enough to assimilate yet honor a child’s biological past? Or just to honor yet guide in productive pathways your child’s own God-given personality?
Jane
*My point is that, if cost (and private adoption is sometimes prohibitively expensive!) is the only thing keeping you from adopting, US FosAdopt sounds like a great avenue to explore, if the alternative is to wait and wait and wait. Because money is certainly not the most important thing to a child. The necessities have to be met, yes, but then — love is more important, surely.
**If I’m wrong on this language thing please let me know. Also, if you think that calling a girl the equivalent of John is only right in our post-sexist world, then great. Call your daughter John. I’ll stick to more feminine names like Spot. 
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Oooh, I’m first? I think that’s a first. Once again you are totally creeping me out. I was just thinking about this subject this week. There is one young woman in our ward that I really want to adopt (she is currently a foster child in a home with MANY kids and teenagers of different ages and races). She is such a sweet girl that just comes from bad circumstances.
I love her so much I just want to take her home with me. But then I really started thinking about it and wondering if that would even be best for her or my family. And I just don’t know. I really don’t think so. It’s not like I could just go say I’m going to adopt you anyway.
When I think about those children out there without homes it breaks my heart into pieces. When I worked at a school in Vegas during college I learned to love them so quickly and was ready to take them all home with me. But I also realize that all that love I have just can’t translate into reality. I have been given children and I know that I can’t take on any more. I already feel like I’m not doing enough.
Yes, in some ways it seems selfish and I know it would be different if we couldn’t have kids. And I guess as we both know it comes down to a matter of prayer. Nobody should take on something like that without the Lord on their side.
Okay, novel over, I’m going to bed. Thanks for making me think.
You know, it takes a special kind of person to adopt a child that is older. There are many instances when adopting an older child isn’t the best situation for that family or a potential child. Love doesn’t always conquer all, and the history and issues that a child can gain in 5 or 10 years is substantial. A family has to make a different commitment to a child that has been abused or neglected. I have nothing but the utmost respect and awe for the individuals who are able to do it and do it well.
Adoption is definitely a beautiful way to build a family, but all of the parents who do it aren’t doing it for our respect and awe. They’re doing because they want a child to love.
I hope George and Martha’s adoption goes smoothly and that their family adapts beautifullly.
My next-door-neighbor friend has adopted two baby boys (when they were babies- they are now 3 1/2 and 1 1/2) She can’t have kids and didn’t feel like fertility was the way to go.(though she is thinkin about trying it now, and that would just throw a whole other loop into the family dynamic) Anyway, even at there young ages she is having a hard time figuring out to handle all the different circumstances. The older boy was a totally open adoption. the birth mom has two older kids, and just decided she couldn’t handle another one,(she was 18) so she put the third up for adoption. but they still keep in contact with them, do birthdays together. he know he has other sisters. Her second baby was the first foster baby she took in, and he had been severely abused. They have no contact with his “other” family. She is having a hard time figuring out how to explain that to them when they are older- you are both adopted but we only see one of your families. Anyway, it is hard, but worth it. those boys are so much more loved than they would be. Tell George and Martha (i’m pretty sure i know them!) that they need to tell EVERYONE that they are looking to adopt. You NEVER know who knows someone that knows someone that is putting a baby up for adoption. I’ve been told by every friend that has adopted that that is the best, cheapest, and fastest way to have it happen. They’ll figure it out!!!
Sharla — what a tough situation, especially where you know the girl already and can see how special she is, and yet, it’s so important to be aware and honest about how difficult it would be.
I can’t imagine adopting any child, at this point in my life. It makes me admire adoptive parents even more, which leads me to Tracey’s comment –
Tracey — You’re right (and I probably shouldn’t have said what I did the adoption-fundraiser buttons; of course if someone wants to adopt a baby and is capable of doing it well, there’s no reason they shouldn’t pursue that desire.).
And you’re right that adoptive parents do it for the better reason that they want a child to love, but I can’t help admiring them, only because I can imagine how difficult it would be (and because I KNOW how hard it is to raise a biological child).
It was thinking that the very children who need adoption the most (the sickly, the more fragile, the more damaged) are least likely to be adopted precisely because of their extra needs, but I’m sure that’s wrong — who am I to say that certain kids “need” adoption more than others?
Being part of a family is the most important thing in my life. Only imagine what life would be like without your parents or your siblings or your kids? Impossible to even fathom.
For whatever my opinion is worth! Either they do away with cultural heritage and raise the kid 100% USA and let the child discover that heritage as an adult…she can after all change her name if she so chooses or they stick to the whole show which could be ultimately confusing or intellectually upsetting. I’d be inclined to skip it until the child was much much older.
i do not see personality tied to heritage. And the idea of being part of the melting pot works well for me in this situation.
LOL you really got at two of my pet peeves here. International adoption when there are lots of kids that need families here, and boys’ names on girls. Or dogs’ names on girls for that matter.
I’m glad I know Spot’s real name.;)
Thought-provoking post. Small clarification, though: I don’t think the “help us adopt” buttons are usually fundraisers. Are they? I’ve never seen one asking for funds. I think they’re just “Help us adopt” as in, spread the word that we want to adopt, publicity buttons. Like Suzie mentioned in her comment, word of mouth is how most adoptions happen and I think buttons are just a way to facilitate that.
WE adopted two of our children through foster care and have another foster child currently living with us that if he becomes adoptable we will adopt him too. It has been a whirlwind as we have experinced a huge expansion in our family. Come over and read my whole adoptions story it is interesting to say the least.
Hi – I’ve loved reading your blog and I hate to comment for the first time in disagreement – BUT – until you’ve walked in the shoes of someone who desperately wants a baby but can’t have one…this is just a risky place to comment on.
There is no wrong way to build a family and every couple will choose the way that is right for them. The decision to or not to adopt, how, when, after how long “trying to conceive” etc. is incredibly emotional and difficult. And when someone looks at others who easily get what they want (ie…pregnant at the drop of a hat) it feels incredibly UNFAIR that anyone would have to be faced with such difficult and important questions. Once again, it is dangerous to pass judgment if infertility and choosing to adopt is not something you’ve had to face.
Rach — Oh, good point, I hadn’t thought of that. (What does it say about me that I assumed it was a plea for money. Oops!)
Sweet Em — No, I totally agree with you — they’re all hard decisions (that really was my whole point).
Though it’s true, I did express my support for both adoption from foster care and cultural sensitivity. I’m sorry if it sounded like I was criticizing other methods of expanding one’s family. Of course if a couple wants to adopt a baby, that’s great, I just hope people who don’t have the money for a private adoption are aware that this foster care adoption is available. (Since I had been completely unaware of it).
[...] « When “heart-warming” is not enough [...]
I saw your latest post and was glad to hear the clarification. Foster-to-adopt is a wonderful program, but it is rife with emotional risk. Generally in the foster-care system the goal is for reunification. Sometimes adoption works out, often not.
Infertility is an incredibly painful experience, something that truly cannot be understood until it is personally experienced. The infertility rollercoaster is full of high hopes, then devastating crashes, grief and disappointment.
When a couple has finally reached the point where they have given up on their dreams of a biological child and the experience of pregnancy and childbirth, often the very last thing they want is another situation that has a high likelihood of ending in disappointment, heartache, and grief.
It’s a little simplistic to question someone for going to great lengths to adopt an infant when there are “so many children” in the foster-adopt program. There are MANY reasons why the foster-adopt program may not be right for a family. And I don’t think the strong desire to nurture and raise an infant is a bad reason to pursue infant adoption. After a couple has gone through so much heartache with infertility, it is cruel that they then may be judged harshly for wanting a baby– something that it seems everyone around them gets to have for nothing, and, even worse, seems not to fully appreciate. (I know you love your children, but honestly, after 5 years of infertility and $30,000 of debt, when I finally had my twin boys there was *nothing* better. It was hard, but there wasn’t a moment when I wasn’t profoundly grateful to be waking up again to feed a crying baby. I cherished every single second of it, and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.)
Anyway, I know you didn’t intend to be hurtful, but this is an enormously sensitive, emotional, and complicated issue that merits a bit more thoughtfulness and respect than I sensed here.
Due to a car accident, just several months after we got married, I wasn’t able to have children. So naturally, I was intrigued by this post. I have 3 adopted children (as newborns, all my same race-not that we specified-it just happened that way, and privately) who are miracles to me.
I was NOT offended by your post in the least bit.
I did think that you were maybe just a little mis/uninformed but not offensive.
[...] in Uncategorized at 8:56 pm by bitsypieces Jane at What About Mom had a really interesting post about adoption. One thing that struck me was the idea of naming an adopted child a culturally appropriate name [...]
Gabrielle —
Gabrielle,
Thanks for commenting. This is definitely one of those times when I wish I’d just kept my mouth shut about things that I obviously don’t know enough about.
But on the other hand, I’ve have learned A LOT in that past 48 hours, and I think it’ll all help me be a better aunt and help me to know how to be more supportive of my brother as he goes through the whole adoption process. (So as long as I can stay humble and “take my medicine” it’s a good thing, right — I mean — my education about these issues.)
One thing on the foster adoption — Nia Vardalos in her Huffington Post article was careful to point out that the 129,000 kids in foster care are legally free for adoption. When you add in the kids in the system who have hopes for reunication, the number rises to something like 500k(?) in foster care in the U.S. It was also interesting that she tried for a biological child for 10 years. By then, I’d imagine her marriage was more-than-mature and that they really were ready to do something like adopt a 5 year old. (Whereas that might be much harder for a newly-married couple to contemplate).
Thanks again for taking the time to share you story. I’m glad you have your twins!
b. — I haven’t had the chance to read enough of your blog to know more than the tiniest snippets — like when you joke “no uterus = no kids,” so I’m glad your adoptions have worked out so — miraculously.
I’m late in commenting on this one and I haven’t read all the comments, so I’m probably repeating things.
But this is so crazy you posted this. Just last night, during the Superbowl, our friends were talking about their adoption process. Jeff (my husband) wants to adopt and foster so badly. I really want another baby. Can our marriage survive either? Probably not.
When I think of all the kids out there though…And even though I am a mean-ass mother (can I say that here?) and am impatient and want to run away all the time…I’m pretty sure a few of those kids would be happier in my house, even with mean-ass ways.
So is it selfish of me to want to have another baby when there are so many out there that I could love? and in turn they could love me for awhile, and then hate me during the 10-22 years and then love me again when they have kids and realize how stinkin’ hard it is?
@ Sal — you can be 100% American w/o losing ties to the culture of your birth. I think because Whites (in the US) live in a culture that reinforces them as the norm, it’s hard to see it’s influence. It’s like the fish not understanding water, because he’s never known its absence. So it’s easy to devalue it for someone else, when you don’t see how much it’s important to you.
And I think what people forget is how minorities are portrayed in “mainstream” culture. Not just in the media, but in the attitudes/biases/stories of everyday life. Take a look on kid’s TV: who are the heroes, the princesses, the cool kids? Who gets to speak, and who’s in the backup role? Who are the important people? Kids pick up on this.
For this reason, (IMO) it’s very important for a child to be able to see himself in the world around him. Not just culturally, or ethnically, but in all ways. But positive & accurate ethnic or cultural representations are rare — this is why parents (should) make a deliberate effort in this regard.
Kids are going to be told by the world who they are and what they should be. And those stories are not often positive, if they’re told at all. If parents can understand that, and provide the child with positive role models (that reflect the child) then it’s like building an army against the negativity of the world.
Kids need as many positive role models (and as wide a range) as possible. One would never say that a boy in a single-mother home doesn’t need to see strong adult males, because the mom’s doing all the work. And it doesn’t take away the mom’s influence for the boy to be with uncles or cousins. Why then is it so problematic for a child to be taught how to value people of their own ethnicity? Because if they’re not taught to value this from those who love them, the world will be very happy to teach them to devalue it. And that takes away some of the soldiers in that army.
Eventually, the child will have to navigate through the world, and will have to deal with the way they’re “expected” to be (how society views them.) One way to prepare them for this is to teach them that what they are is valuable — that what they do is what “people like them” do. That their culture is something they add to, and that’s not an either-or situation.
I’m always a little dismayed when people think that the way to achieve unity is by giving up what you know of yourself. It’s like…if you really valued it, why ask someone to throw it away? And if you don’t value it, why get the child from there in the first place? That culture, which is considered to be so disposable, gave you a precious gift. If it weren’t for that culture, the child would not have been there in the first place.