I got a message on Facebook today from an old friend, who, if I had not ended our relationship thirteen years ago, I wouldn’t be in this life I have here. I wouldn’t curl myself up next to Dick every night. I wouldn’t read Mr. Fine Porcupine with Spot or play tooth fairy for Sally or cuddle a cranky Susan. I don’t think I’d be a church-goer. My grandma wouldn’t be reading my blog.
The message was a surprise and not a surprise. Years ago I thought of my friend every day, several times a day. In weak, curious moments, I’ve searched her name on Google. I never found her, and I’m pretty sure that if I had, I wouldn’t have tried to contact her.
I’d want to, though. I’d want to know if she has a life like mine now. Did she make choices like mine? Is she a mother? Is she happy? (I hope she is.) Does she regret? Does she remember?
I remember. I remember everything. But that’s probably a little (or a lot) indulgent. Because I don’t regret the choice I made, and I want the life I have now. I want the husband, the kids. I want my parents proud of me and my fellowship in the gospel.
It hurt, back then, and today it scared me. I cried as I kissed my girls goodnight. It scares me that that one choice, a choice that hurt, a choice I might not have made if only this or if only that were different –
Some of the choices I make every day hardly matter at all. But that choice I made thirteen years ago changed everything.
Thank God.
Jane
Have any of your choices changed your whole life?
I’m entering this in Scribbit’s Write-Away Contest.
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Oh yes. One night many years ago I pondered a simple gesture I had made hundreds of times, knowing that my marriage hung in the balance if I repeated it (or not). Just knowing that I made that choice has made all the difference–and maybe it’s the knowing that is significant. Some college room-mates and I discussed this once and found that each of us had come to similar crossroads (some more than once).
I think parents meet those moments on occasion and in them determine much of their children’s outlook on life (cumulatively).
Someone recently said that history sometimes swings on very small hinges, and that certainly is true of personal histories as well.
Yeah — facebook can do that to you… I am grateful for choices I made years ago that keep me where I am today.
Sometimes I’m surprized that I decided to go on a blind date with my (now) wife. I had turned down so many other blind dates for no particular reason. I didn’t feel especially compelled to go out with her. Yet I’m so glad I did.
Making good decisions can make all the difference in life. Thanks for the well-written reminder.
I’m very intrigued at what the details were and how you made the decision not to pursue a friendship with this gal–we all make life decisions, and it strengthens me to see how others take the path they take that helps them be a better person.
Wow, I have somebody like that. It wasn’t a girl though. It was a guy. At the time I had to choose between him and Eldon (my hubby). So I know exactly what you mean, and I too am glad I made the decision I did.
Life’s about choices
sometimes we make good ones
in others we fail
Many simple choices have led me to where I am. Turning left instead of right. Staying home when feeling sick and going to the doctor even though I usually tough it out.
It’s amazing how a split decision can change the direction of your life.
this post started out interesting, but it ended real empty and boring. what was the big decision?? what did that friend ask you do to that would actually change your life? no ideas even come to mind of what you might be talking about!!!
I had an old boyfriend call me up the day before I got married. He wanted me back. He even started to say “I love you”, and at that exact moment, my call waiting beeped, so I didn’t hear it. I don’t know who it was calling through, I never checked, I just chalked it up to a perfect coincidence and a little nudge in the right direction.
Haha. Is that really your cousin? He/she is not very imaginative. Jane could be referring to lots of things, Cousin Sylwia. My friend Sara thought maybe your friend got into drugs and made some unfortunate choices. I have other theories.
Ten years ago I left Michigan and a broken heart for Texas. I knew nobody. Within two months of living here I met my future husband. The most life-altering decision I have ever made and one of the more frightening ones. It is the moments in life when we push past the fear that we are rewarded with the greatest gifts.
Yes, Cousin Sylwia really is my cousin.
With this post I tried (and failed, to some degree) to express my mixed feelings on being reminded of a choice I made many years ago — the choice to end a relationship.
I struggled to write this within my own boundaries to convey the emotions and the analysis without the details. Perhaps that’s impossible, or (more likely) I’m simply not skilled enough to do that.
I like what people have said about little choices and small, everyday decisions (and gestures) making very big differences in our lives.
As I wrote, I considered the decisions I make every day that are unimportant. I wanted to contrast these with this one huge decision that changed the course of my life. What are the small choices I make everyday? How I interact with my kids? What I say to my husband? Whether I make dinner or take the family to McDonalds?
And I couldn’t use any of these as examples of things that don’t matter. Every time I yell or don’t yell, every time I praise my husband instead of criticizing, even whether I expend energy and thought for dinner rather than running through the drive-through (again)?
These things matter.
Only, not quite as much as that decision I made thirteen years ago — the decision to hurt and be hurt — and to seek something different.
Hey, I thought you were trying not to yell this year??!
I agree with the comments about decisions, small and large.
I’m glad you made the choices you did as well…I’m not sure if I can think back of any choices I made that impacted my life as significantly as yours. If I do look back at some of those choices, I’m not sure I made them for the right reasons…which seems sad to me. But they brought me to where I am now, which I am thankful for (except for the whole AZ move…no offense to everyone living in AZ)
Oh yes indeed. I have those, “There but for the Grace of God,” moments myself.
And…this is why I’m NOT on Facebook; some people and places I’d rather let lie peacefully in the past.
Jane – love that so many of your family members read your blog and you’re still so honesly you. Kudos for bravery!
I still want the whole story. I’m really confused. The person was a girl and you ended the relationship…so was she offering you a lesbian union or something?
I’ve made many mistakes in my life, but thanks to the atonement, i dont feel like they have affected my happiness today in any way. The atonement really is infinite and God really does remember our sins no more.
The most important decision for me was joining the Mormon church at age 14 and not committing major sins since then.
Not having parents to guide me without the church i would have undoubtedly ended up dead, or an alcoholic, a drug addict, a prostitute, or at least an unwed mother. or maybe a combination of these.
Luckily God saw fit to snatch me out of that environment by sending me a couple of missionaries and teaching me an easier and happier way to live. It has been a happy ever after since then, and no I’m not exaggerating. I say it how it is, jane, no metaphors…
Sylwia — when (and if) I’m ready to tell the story, you’ll be the first to know.
And, I’m glad you’re so happy now. You’re lucky in your husband, just as I am in mine.
I am glad you made that decision too, because at that time I thought we would never be friends again. One of my favorite pictures of you is after you got back from Europe and you had really short hair and we went up to Camp Koholowo for something, and went to the lookout and had a picture taken with the mountains in the background. I was really glad to have you as my friend again.
I think Heavenly Father is watching out for us, because sometimes we don’t know how important the right decision can be for our future. At least that has been the case for me.
You know, the little decisions can affect us forever. But it’s more than just a little decision to leave a friend behind. I have realized, maybe even more than once, that a friendship was never going to be good for me, and I did have to make the excruciating choice to cut off my hand or pluck out my eye. But I know that I would be in a darker place now if I hadn’t.
It’s nice to have hindsight, isn’t it?
Thank God for happy endings…
Facebook has been an awakener of long-term memory, for sure. I’ve enjoyed catching up with old friends, wished I could change some things of the past, and wished I could bury some of those old memories again!