I recently found my list of goals for the year 2003. Hoo-boy! was it old news: Lose 20 pounds, be more patient, organize the finances, meal planning, and laundry, pray with greater intent, write something.
DANG am I glad I reached those goals and can now focus on planting a garden, finishing my basement single-handedly (because I don’t like to use my left hand for construction projects), and learning Farsi for the Foreign Service.
Everybody is resolution writing and year in review-ing. I’m scared to check if I posted my goals last January. And despite often thinking that my latest post is the best thing I’ve written up until five minutes after I hit publish, I won’t be listing my favorite posts of the year. Because six minutes after I hit publish, I want to go snivel in bed, covers pulled tight over the lower half of my face.
Two of my favorite bloggers, one as secular and brazenly-career-minded as possible and the other as devoutly on fire as only the recently-converted can be have led me to think on my resolutions in new ways.
Surprisingly, what Penelope Trunk and Jennifer at Conversion Diary have to say about goals and potential is compatible enough to convince me:
Penelope says:
Living up to your potential is not crossing off everything on your to do list on time, under budget. Or canonizing your ideas in a book deal. Really, no one cares. You are not on this earth to do that. Trust me. No one is. You are on this earth to be kind. That is your only potential.
Jennifer says:
Any list of New Year’s resolutions should having growing closer to God as the ultimate goal. I need to remember this and ask myself with each one, “Is my true desire with this goal to better conform myself to Christ?” This is true not only of the goal itself but the way I approach it (e.g. you could approach a budgeting goal in a God-centered way or a greed-centered way).
I do have goals for this year. I’d like to lose 20 pounds, be more patient, organize the finances, meal planning, and laundry, pray with greater intent, write something. Oh, and plant a garden.
But I want to chose one overall goal, one goal that’ll bring me closer to God and bless my children. One goal that has a hundred applications every day and would correct something that I have rationalized and defended as my right as an overwhelmed mother.
I want to go an entire year without yelling.
Probably I am delirious about the possibility of even approaching this, but I want it. I want it so bad I can taste it. I want to believe in the grace of Christ, the tender mercies of our Lord, that if I try really, really hard, and pray really hard, I can change what is all too often the fundamental dynamic of my interaction with my children.
I would never yell at a friend the way I do my four year old when she won’t put her boots back on. Right. Now.
I would never yell at my boss the way I do my seven-year old when she touches something I’ve told her thirteen times not to touch. (If I had a boss.)
I would never yell at my two-year old in front of my Savior. (I think.) (Unless I somehow forgot He was standing there.) (Like, say, if my two-year old threw her syrup-drenched pancake squares on the floor. Repeatedly.)
So that’s it. The goal I am going to resolute over all others:
No Yelling.
Can I do it?
Yes and no.
Beth at Blog O’Beth has a family tradition of writing predictions rather than resolutions. This makes a lot of sense to me. I could predict, for example, that I will lose 20 pounds but gain back 15 or that I will organize the finances only to give up on meal planning altogether. But I’m too young for that sort of realism.
Instead, I predict that:
1) My kids will disobey, and annoy, and irritate beyond all hope of bearing.
2) I’ll backslide on the yelling. In fact, one day in early February, I will snap in the middle of a crowded grocery store and implore at the top of my lungs “Why, oh everything holy in heaven and in earth, WHY?”
3) I’ll feel bad about this yelling, which means that my goal is working. Because:
4) I’ll learn for sure that it is possible to interact with minors who share my DNA without resorting to threats of violence, and:
5) Just the act of trying, really, really hard, and praying, really hard, will improve the spirit of our home.
Jane
What do you predict or resolute?
Tags: goals, motherhood, new year's resolutions, parenting, resolutions
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“Just the act of trying, really, really hard, and praying, really hard, will improve the spirit of our home.”
This in itself is a resolution. I like it. Can I try it?
Jane – that is an awesome resolution! Ok if I copy you?
Gotta get the last bit of yelling out of my system before 11:59: HAPPY NEW YEAR JANE DICK SALLY SUSAN AND SPOT!!!!
Blessings to you and those under your wings for 2009.
Please do, and THANKS.
I think I will choose this as my resolution as well and then we can check up on each other. I like it much better than what my resolution should be….losing 20 pounds…(times 3). I really don’t seem to yell so much during the week but Sunday mornings are by far my worst. (And I can definitely get louder than the Motab playing to set the mood) And now with church switching to 9 next week I need some extra help and motivation. AAAH! I predict that I will forget that I even made any resolutions and switch back into survival mode like I usually do. Good luck!
2 words: positive intent
I’m with Practical Mommy.
Having just brought my 7-year-old to tears by yelling (for her refusal to participate in family scripture reading time; yeah, scriptures open on my lap at aforementioned moment of yelling), I’m awash in guilt and SO with you on this one. Although it seems so impossible it’s almost hard to imagine attempting it. But it’s nice to know I’m not the only one in this boat.
So hard not to yell. I have tried this goal in the past and need to revisit it. Thanks for the gentle reminder.
Sounds like an awesome resolution, Jane. And as others have said, with positive intent, it *is* achievable.
I couldn’t have said it better myself! Maybe when we feel like yelling we can do some sit-ups or something and accomplish a few things at once. With as much as I feel like I yell and as much weight as I’d like to drop I don’t see how distracting myself from one by taking care of the other can hurt. It certanly can’t hurt to try! Like you said…just working on the problem is a step in the right direction! Don’t forget we can do all things through God who strenghtens us!
Ok,
1. Love the title
2. Here’s a little story about reality (luckily it *does* have a good ending):
I made a goal, a real, I-mean-it, I-WILL-accomplish this goal, goal, not a hmmm-this-would-be-a-good-thing-to-change goal.
The goal was no yelling for 3 (yes, countem, THREE) whole months. I kept track on my calendar, trying to keep up the yelling-free days.
I became so frustrated within a week or two, I nearly abandoned the goal altogether. Even though my 2 year old *knew* that while I was nursing my baby, said 2 yr old could nearly get away with murder w/out the accompanying consequences.
So I changed to a more realistic goal, another I-really-mean-it goal. I could yell once a day. And NOT per child. Once. A day. Once I had yelled, I had to find a different way to handle the situation.
So, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
How do you stop yelling? One day at a time. It truly transformed me and the way I interacted with my little monsters. Within a month the angry feelings (on a scale of 1-10 where 10 is physical violence, I was often reacting at a 6 or 7) that usually left my body via yelling, toned down to at least a 4, and sometimes even a 3!
I’m thinking it’s time I go back and to this goal again…. In an I-really-mean-it way!
[...] stop there. In both, the way to increase job satisfaction is clear. Set concrete goals like no yelling or post (or write) every day. Be purposeful; read and talk with other people about how to do your [...]
I posted this on Penelope Trunk’s page just now, but since that discussion led me here, I thought maybe you wouldn’t mind if I wrote here about the techniques that helped me stop yelling at my kids:
1) Keeping an anger journal, where I write down a short note about what made me angry enough to yell, and what the context was.
2) Reading the book “1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12,” which taught me to keep quiet. I only get to say “One.” (Then I start thinking about what I’m going to do if I get to three). I can talk about other topics, but the next word of complaint I get to say is “Two.” And finally, “Three, go to your room” (Or, “Three, that’s no dessert,” whatever.) It’s a great system, because it teaches me to discipline myself first. And then it allows the kids a little room to learn to discipline themselves. The point is that you can’t discipline anyone else: each person has to take that job for him or herself. I was resistant to the counting approach (feels dorky, especially out in public), but it really helps me keep my cool and not start debating / negotiating with them.
[...] When New Years came, I made No Yelling my single resolution. [...]