I wasn’t going to write about this because, although I Twitter, I’m not usually on much on weekends, so I missed the brouhaha over the Motrin Babywearing commercial.
{Background: Motrin ran an ad about back pain caused by babywearing that was “consdescending, patronizing and poorly thought-out.” Babywearing mothers everywhere were outraged and twittered until Motrin shamefacedly pulled the ad. You can see it here (via The True Face of Birth). The New York Times Motherlode blog wrote about it (including the full transcript of the ad).}
It was a stupid, stupid ad, though I wonder how much the controversy will hurt Motrin’s bottom line — if there’s no such thing as bad publicity?
But what has driven me to posting is the condescending, patronizing, and poorly thought-out reactions of many babywearing moms to the ad. One reaction in particular:
“If it hurts when you babywear, then you must be doing it wrong.”
This is the same thing you hear when you first start breastfeeding:
“If it hurts when you nurse, then you must be doing it wrong.”
Next, I expect to hear that:
“If it hurts when you give birth, then you must be doing it wrong.”
Or:
“If it hurts when you train for a marathon, then you must be doing it wrong.”
Now, I realize that there ARE wrong ways to do all of these things, of course there are. In nursing, if the baby doesn’t latch-on right, if she sucks on the nipple instead of taking in most of the areola too, it will HURT. And if you don’t warm-up or stretch or strength train for that marathon, it’s going to HURT.
But all of these things hurt (at first, or intermittently) EVEN WHEN YOU DO THEM PERFECTLY.
It hurts to suddenly have another human being sucking on your breasts for hours on end. It hurts to carry around (even in that most ergonomic of carriers, the human body) extra pounds for hours on end. It hurts to run 26.2 miles. It hurts to give birth, whether you do hypnosis or epidural or c-section or midwife or unassisted or meditate or scream or don’t scream.
LIFE hurts. Why say it doesn’t?
I can’t really imagine what the motive behind this sort of thing is. Too assert your superiority over other women? (Fine, you’re superior). Too make me feel like an inadequate mother/woman/human being? (Oh, Honey, as if I needed your help to feel that way). Too “prove” that something is worthwhile? (As if something can’t hurt if it’s worth doing?).
This whole thing is odd to me, because — you know how they say “men want solutions and women want sympathy”?
Apparently some women don’t want solutions OR sympathy. They want to simply pretend that nothing is wrong. Nothing hurts. Ever.
If only you DO IT RIGHT, life is pain-free.
Who knew?
If my sisters or my daughters ever ask me if they’re doing something wrong when they cry after a hard day of chasing kids or a frustrating week of no sleep and poopy-diaper blowouts, I’m going to tell them the truth.
Yes, it hurts.
Some days, it hurts so bad I want to hide in a corner and gorge on Cocoa Pebbles and whole milk.
And some days, it’s glorious. Some days, when Spot learns ten new “words” and Susan asks, “Is it time to get Sally from school yet?” and Sally is happy to wear the poorly-crafted witch hat we concocted for Halloween, it really is the best thing ever.
Even though it hurts sometimes.
*Updated to add*
What Memarie Lane (and others) say about the moms being most offended by the ad portraying women as shallow fashion-followers who merely babywear in order to appear “official” is true. The ad was stupid.
BUT. Dude. Rixa says in her comment “Breastfeeding didn’t hurt for me either.” That’s great, except, I remembered reading in her blog about plugged ducts (“I woke up this morning with a tennis-ball sized lump in my left breast, and a nasty red patch on the skin)” and mastitis (“I think I have mastitis, but it’s getting better. The fever/chills are pretty much gone now.”)
In 43 (total) months of breastfeeding three children, I never once got mastitis, and I once had a plugged duct the size of a nickel that I put a hot pad on and encouraged my baby to nurse a bit longer.
My point is — do I go around telling Rixa that she was obviously breastfeeding WRONG because she had some pain (but has miraculously forgotten it, apparently).
No, I don’t tell her she did it wrong, because I know plugged ducts and mastitis are normal side effects of breastfeeding.
And here was my main point (and yes, maybe I am just a wimp) — Pain is okay, hurting is okay (if it’s within normal parameters). It’s part of life, and to say that “hurting = doing it wrong” is just not true, or helpful.
The reason I continue to read Rixa (The True Face of Birth) and her work on unassisted childbirth, midwife-homebirths, etc, etc is that she is honest about her experiences, fears, etc despite her obvious desire to promote progessive (or traditional, depending on how you look at it) thoughts about the childbearing experience. Here’s her post about the place of pain in childbirth.
And Beth (and others) are right about life being a unique experience and that there are, possibly, more important things to worry about (YES! Hooters (the restaurant) must die!!). I do think, however, that how women treat other women, whether they respect other women’s choices (whether to breast or bottle-feed, stay-at-home or go back to work, to babywear or not) is really important.
The feminist movement was about making men let us choose our own paths (about demanding/taking the right to self-determine), but maybe it should have been about making women be nice to each other about whichever path she chooses.
(Oh, and I’m not saying these things have to hurt — if you’re lucky enough that they don’t — great, just please don’t tell me that I’m doing it wrong if my experience is different.)
Tags: #motrinmoms, babywearing, motherhood, motrin, myths, parenting, women
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awesome. well said.
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from what i read about the motrin thing it wasn’t the allegations of pain that made moms angry. i personally have never found a sling or other mode of babywearing that worked for me. it was the fact that the narrator makes it sound like women only do this because it’s a fad and that they aren’t an “official mom” if they aren’t babywearing. i don’t think that’s true at all. i’m not a baby wearer and i’ve never felt like less of a mother, and i am kind of bothered that anyone would feel that way. i love my motrin though.
Memarie Lanes last blog post..The Frugal Mindset II
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I second what Memarie Lane said. And, also? Breastfeeding DIDN’T hurt me. Nor did Babywearing. Birth, um, YES. But not EVERYone has pain with nursing or wearing their babies. Just as not EVERYone has an easy time of it. We’re all made and built differently. What works for me isn’t going to work for everyone else.
I think that THAT needs to be the biggest lesson learned amongst all mothers and those that market to us.
traceys last blog post..2nd Grade Jokes, a Redux…
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Breastfeeding didn’t hurt for me either. Training for a half marathon? I’d describe that more as effort than as pain for the most part. Or in other words, a lot of effort for a long time with moments of pain. Actually that’s just about what I’d say to describe birth.
Overall, I agree with Memarie Lanes that the underlying reason for the furor over the Motrin ad was more because of the marketing of babywearing as faddish than for what it said about the pain (although I found the rhetoric about pain quite off-putting, too).
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Good post!
Yeah, whole lotta hullaballoo about the ad on Twitter. My beef: if you’re spending ad bucks geared toward the “mommy” market, you’d better reach out to them first. There’s so many ways to network with your customer these days; bad biz not to do so.
But – to what you said? Life does hurt. Lots. And sometimes no amount of Motrin or Tylenol or even prayer can ease that ache. We weren’t made to be endlessly happy and chirpy. Once, long ago, I told a dear friend that our kids can never know true happiness in life until they’ve experienced small {and great} sorrows.
Darkness v. the light, baby.
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It’s important to remember the “true” principle* set forth: “Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.”
*ahem. That “true” principle would be a Princess Bride quote from the Dread Pirate Roberts.
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I am still laughing out loud at this one! Thanks for the smile! I actually went to a “lactation consultant” with my first baby because in the baby classes they said it shouldn’t hurt to nurse. Guess what — it totally did! The lactation consultant determined I was feeding my baby correctly and was baffeled as to why it would hurt…
I imagine baby wearing is the same. I have never been able to do it because in addition to hurting MY back, my babies fat legs start turning blue from having thier blood flow cut off…
Kathys last blog post..Time Heals All Wounds…
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Hello… Of course it is going to hurt if you are taking Motrin. If you want to be pain free get back on Percocets.
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As a baby wearing mom, it hurts! (Even w/ the cool slings I make.)
As a breast feeding mom (of a baby w/ 4 teeth now), it hurts!
And a marathon would hurt too much, so i’m not going to try, well we’ll see after this 1st 10k in a week (that’ll hurt).
And who the heck ever said that giving birth doesn’t hurt? That’s just rediculous, even w/ my epidural.
Your post is the first I’ve heard of this Motrin thing, but I think I’ll go out and buy some for my herniated disk issues w/ wearing my little fatty:)
Tiffanys last blog post..My Cornucopia (updated w/ your comments)
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As a mother we all seem to want other people to do what we do in order to make us feel better about our own choices — or somehow we feel we have figured out the BEST way and therefore everybody should follow. The problem is that motherhood is very unique. Nobody can understand my child like me because it is MY child from MY DNA and I understand her in a way that nobody else could. Motherhood is so freakin’ hard why do we all feel the need to be bossy and judgmental of each other? Holy Cow, if you have figured out how to carry your kid on your head and it makes you and he happy than rock on! But don’t expect me to follow suit.
As for the Motrin ad — holy cow people – build a bridge and get over it. Don’t we have other things to be indignantly self-righteous over? We’re all screaming about Motrin but we have an entire restaurant chain based on the notion of big boobs and nobody is launching a mommy blogging hate campaign around that.
Beths last blog post..All Good Things Must End
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oh heck yeah nursing can hurt, even if you’re doing it right. with my third i thought it would be a piece of cake. but in the time between weaning #2 and birthing #3 my nipples got amnesia. they had to get used to nursing all over again, and it was agonizing!
i think there are far worse things than waitresses in push-up bras to get upset about.
Memarie Lanes last blog post..The Frugal Mindset II
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Huh, I guess I didn’t think of plugged ducts as breastfeeding pain per se–because it’s not related to the sucking of the baby hurting the breast. I think I was responding more to your phrase that it DOES hurt when a baby is sucking on a sensitive extremity; that in itself never hurt me. Anyway I think it’s probably an issue of semantics. My point was that it doesn’t have to hurt, but it doesn’t have to not hurt at all, and both experiences are normal (although we’d both agree that if you’re in terrible pain from breastfeeding itself, something probably needs to be corrected). I’m thinking to one of my good friends who was an experienced breastfeeder and had a lot of pain for the first 6 or so weeks for the first two babies, even though she was “doing everything right.” She just knew you had to be patient and it would get better. Then…3rd baby came along, same thing. But, she tried a cross-cradle hold for the first time and the pain went away. She was amazed that she hadn’t tried that particular hold before and how well it worked. So even if you’ve BTDT and are sure you’re doing everything the right way, there are probably things to learn and try.
I didn’t have a birth with no pain, but it certainly wasn’t the dominant factor overall. I had a contraction, and part of it hurt (although not for everyone, but for me it was like a very sharp lower abdominal cramp, like a muscle cramp) and then it went away and I felt great. For me the pressure/pain of pushing was the truly challenging part of labor, not the hours of contractions that led me up to that part. But I also do know some people who had absolutely no pain during their labors–and others whose experience was dominated by pain–so again, I don’t think we can say that birth HAS to or WILL hurt any more than we can say it WON’T hurt if you just do all the right things.
Anyway thanks for pointing these things out–I’ll have to make sure I qualify things a bit more next time.
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Very well said.
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Pain is inherent to life. There’s no doubt about it. Everyone feels some pain at some point for some reason. It’s not that big of a deal. And it is certainly no cause for judgement. If we can help to ease another’s pain be in through friendship, gentle and loving advice, or inventing Motrin, than hooray. But one sure shouldn’t go around causing more pain to someone who is already in pain. That seems a bit contrary, don’t you find?
MereCats last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
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Thanks, Rixa. You’re so classy! And of course you’re right that it doesn’t HAVE to hurt — I shouldn’t denigrate the experiences of those who have no pain anymore than I expect the same respect.
Anyway. I think you do such amazing things with your blog.
Have you seen the Motherlode blog in NYTimes? http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/11/20/guest-blogger-a-birthing-story/
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Um, I thought the feminist movement was and is all about women choosing their paths WITHOUT reference to what men (or anyone, for that matter) think is appropriate for women, not about convincing MEN that they should “LET[?!!]us choose our own paths.”
Carolinas last blog post..Screening Room
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Well, as far as referendums go like the proposing and passing of the 19th amendment and other acts that legislate equal rights, it kind of is a matter of “letting” us do things, just as white people passing the (14th?) amendment “let” Black people vote. That’s what I meant. (i.e. as far as I know, women weren’t allowed to vote in the referendum/election that decided whether they would be allowed to vote).
Of course all people should be able to choose their own paths, but it often is a matter of the privileged, enfranchised class (whoever that is) “letting” them do it unless the unenfranchised group forces equal rights through a military revolution or something, which so far hasn’t happened with the feminist movement.
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I *heart* this post. And I love your take on it.
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Again, you nailed it. Breastfeeding was intensely painful for me. I tried everything and the kid finally gave up at 4 1/2 months. I wasn’t disappointed. I’m crossing my fingers that #2 will feel better.
And baby wearing doesn’t work for me either – partially because they just don’t make carriers my size. But my husband, who works at home, wore #1 every day for months. I don’t know about him having any pain, although he was sitting most of the time.
I agree with the comments about the pain of motherhood. It’s both physical and mental. And it’s extremely comforting to know that the difficulty lies in the tasks and not necessarily in my efforts. I’m happy to know that moms that I respect also sometimes cry. Makes me feel much less like a loser.
I also agree that the feminist movement should be more about women respecting other women’s choices. We’re weakening ourselves from within.
Heathers last blog post..hospital/baby update
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I think the biggest reason people say things like, “If it hurts you’re doing it wrong,” is because they want to believe that they have some control over the situation. It’s far more scary to imagine a world of inescapable pain than to imagine a world in which pain can be avoided.
Laura Moncurs last blog post..Design Your Own Swatch
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Wow, Jane. I bet you got a lot more fire from this post than you imagined you would. Honestly, I heard about this thing a while ago but I don’t use Motrin anyway so I was just like whatever. I think you’ve heard enough opinions on this to last you a lifetime so I’m just going to say that I enjoyed what you wrote and leave it at that. Although I must say that maybe I’m glad now that my blog is lacking in the comments area. I’m not sure I could take comments like some of these.
Sharlas last blog post..We have a winner!
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well I am about to give birth to #3 in a somewhat scheduled c section. My first was 9 lb 9 oz vaginal delivery where the epidural broke and i went thru massive back labor and wound up with 47 stitches cause the kids head was 14 and 7/8….it wasnt a breathing thru type thing, it wasnt a discomfort type thing…it was PAIN and it lasted….I actually was in pretty bad shape for very near the full 6 weeks with him.
With # 2 we had an emergency c sec cause i went into full labor @ 36 weeks and he was breach. the result…i felt like i had done too many crunches, but I could walk without stitches hurting, I could breathe without crying and I was pretty much completely healed in less than 2 weeks.
breastfeeding never worked with either of them and though i will try, i will not be surprised if #3 cannot feed either.
babywearing…not sure, when I had #1 nearly 6 years ago i did think it seemed like a fad and a goofy one at that. considering the boys are as close togethre as they are, i hadnt changed my opinion much…this time…i still am not sure about it, but thinking it might be worth trying on a now and then basis…
but i imagine if i do I will be stocking up on motrin cause …hello it actually works for me!!
steff
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I’d have to say that babywearing is a fad, although a long-lived one. When I was little (back in the 60’s), nobody outside of third world countries had ever heard of such a thing. By the time my girls were born (back in the 80’s), financially privileged ex-hippies were beginning to push the idea, but baby slings were way too expensive for most young mothers to afford.
And now the idea has taken hold, but the “prickliness” of the people who promote it shows that baby wearing is, indeed a fad — people don’t get that defensive about something unless they’ve turned it into a sacred cow that they are defending with missionary zeal.
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[...] The Truth about Babywearing, Updated (Reading this, I have the uncommon experience of being really pleased with something I wrote. In the footnote, I say the reason I continue to read Rixa is that she is honest about her fears despite her obvious desire to promote understanding and acceptance of natural- and home- births.) 11-19-2008 [...]