One of the first things you learn as a parent is that some battles are worth fighting, and others simply aren’t. For a happy home and above-average children, follow these simple rules:
1) Determine which battles are worth fighting and which aren’t. It’s nice to give the Hubs some input here, always remembering who usually mops up the tears and blood.
2) Plot strategies for the battles worth fighting.
3) Resist all temptation to fight those battles not worth fighting.
Your lists may differ (I don’t see how), but here are our:
Battles (Not) Worth Fighting
1. School Attendance — Not Worth It. I know, you’re probably thinking that’s easy for me to say when my kids are so intelligent and well-socialized, but I’d let them skip school now and then even if they weren’t prodigies. Remember Mrs. Lynde’s sage advice:
That is I wouldn’t say school to her again until she said it herself. Depend upon it, Marilla, she’ll cool off in a week or so and be ready enough to go back of her own accord, that’s what, while, if you were to make her go back right off, dear knows what freak or tantrum she’d take next and make more trouble than ever. The less fuss made the better, in my opinion. She won’t miss much by not going to school, as far as that goes. (Anne of Green Gables)
2. Church Attendance — Worth the Fight. Normally I think it’s a good idea to have low expectations (saves on disappointment), but church attendance is one of those things that you should just expect, and keep on expecting. Church wasn’t optional when I was growing up, and if I still have to go now, you can bet your cute patoote my kids do too!
3. Homework — Not Worth It. I know, again with the advanced mental abilities making it easy to shrug off homework, but really. If Sally, age 7, goes to school for 6 hours everyday and then wants to play with her sisters or run around outside or read Danny Dunn and the Swamp Monster, I’m not going to make her sit and fill out some stupid worksheet on the pattern ABABAB. So there!
4. Naps — Worth the Fight. At some point (say 13 or 14 years of age), your kids will grow out of napping. This is a sad, sad day that deserves black balloons and dead roses. Until then, revel in the nap-time. After that, do whatever it takes (locks, threats, bribes) to protect “quiet” time.
5. Piercings — Not Worth It. I’m all for restraint in the puncturing of random appendages, but the one good thing about piercings is that they are so easy to remove! I got a second hole in my left ear when I was seventeen (oh the delicious rebellion!), never guessing that when I was thirty-one I would turn down a pair of earrings from my sister because I haven’t worn anything in either ear for about six years.
6. Tattoos — Worth the Fight. Have you seen all the advertising for tattoo removal? Maybe when my kids are twenty-seven they can make a decision like this for themselves, but no way are they doing it when they’re too young to realize that someday that’s going to hurt like a mother AND cost lots of money to remove.
7. Hair — Worth the Fight Not Worth It (ultimately). After watching home videos of toddler-Sally, Dick made me promise not to cut Spot’s hair in the same Monkees cut (Sally’s the pianist). I am in complete agreement, but Spot is always taking out her ponytails, so often she has hair in her eyes, which bothers me, but not as much as it bothers Grandma, who I will probably have to supervise all her visits with Spot to protect her from scissors. Oh well. Susan keeps cutting her own hair, and I shaved my head when I was nineteen. Almost did it again the other day, but have gained approximately fifty pounds since then, so would not look like Demi Moore in GI Jane now as I did back then.
8. Modesty — Worth the Fight. I was sometimes the least-modest person in the entire city of Cairo (except the tourists), and usually the most modest on the beach in Florida. I don’t want my girls to get a complex, and I don’t see myself ever forcing them to wear a bra. Hmmm, come to think of it, I can’t even see myself taking them shopping for a bra. Maybe Dick . . . no, that’s probably weird, although he did take me bra shopping that one time. Whether clothes match or not is a different story, and definitely Not Worth It (as is backwards panties. Do not point out things like this).
9. Language — Not Worth It. This one might seem a tad self-rationalizing, because I have a bit of a problem with my favorite words (beginning with “f” and “s” and “d”), but I really can’t get too worked up about what they say. We don’t take the name of the Lord in vain, but I think it’s best not to overreact to obvious ploys for attention like “Mommy poops in her diaper.” (If you can’t imagine the appeal of the f-word, read Paddy Clarke HaHaHa. Go ahead. I read it for an English class at BYU, so it won’t hurt you.)
10. Eating (What) — Worth the Fight. Eating (When) — Not Worth It. I saw a mother holding her child in the straight-jacket hold at a picnic last week. Lots of screaming ensued. It wasn’t pleasant. Look. Family dinner time is important. It’s important that we sit around and discuss our day, but don’t make your kid eat when she’s not hungry. As long as the food on offer later is the same nutritious stuff as was at the table, let them eat when and how they want. Please. And if it makes them happy (and keeps them quiet), LET THEM EAT CAKE!
11. TV Viewing — Not Worth It. When I say “TV” what I really mean is watching movies in the back of a moving minivan. This is something that should be encouraged at all stages of development. Mindless TV watching at home should probably be rationed, and while The Simpsons is fine for any age, The Family Guy is not.
12. Seatbelts, Swimming Lessons, and Shots — Worth the Fight. A few months ago I got off the freeway to spank Susan for taking off her seatbelt. She did it a couple more times that week. It was some rough boundary-testing week, and I’m pleased to say that she now starts to hyperventilate if somehow we start rolling with her seatbelt unfastened. I want to be safe! she wails. Thank you. My job is done.
13. Manners — Worth the Fight. When Sally was eighteen months old, she started curling her hand into her chest with her elbow out at a 90-degree angle whenever I prompted her to say “please.” I couldn’t tell if this was some strange sign language she’d picked up or what. Then I realized that when I prompted her to say please I was usually holding something in my hand that she wanted, and I was holding it back away from her, against my chest, until she said the magic word. It was sign language, all right. But not very pretty.
So. What do you think? What are your battles worth fighting and not?
If you liked this post, subscribe to What About Mom or 
Stumble It!
This is my first attempt at a Thursday Thirteen, and it’s also what Works-for-Me.
Tags: children, discipline, motherhood, parenting
Subscribe by email
Kids’ clothing battles are hardly ever worth fighting. Let them pick. If the other moms think I’m a terrible mom for sending Alden to preschool in the same Scooby Doo outfit 10 times a month – who cares? And if his shoes are on the wrong feet, I just shut my eyes and try not to notice.
Taras last blog post..Best Eighties Love Songs, EVER
What a cool TT!!!
School attendance IS a fight worth fighting for me – its a non negotiable in our house!
Agree with the rest though!
Lauras last blog post..Thursday Thirteen
I agree with many of your points, but I haven’t had most of these fights … yet … I’m starting to deal with the what to eat, and manners is a big one. Little one is only 23 months old, but when she asks for (is demands too harsh a word with a toddler?) a biscuit (cookie) and I say “Pardon me?”, she responds with “pardon me”. Sigh. But if I hook my finger behind my ear, she says “pliiizzz”!
Kirstys last blog post..But before there were stories, there was a mouth organ …
I agree with all of yours except the church one. If we hadn’t had church required of us to such an extent growing up, and shoved down our throats at every turn, we wouldn’t have been so desperate to escape from it. A it is my kids love church, and I’m glad, but if they ever asked for a break I’d gladly give it to them, for the same reasons Mrs. Lynde gives for school absence. In fact I think it’s probably easier to catch up with church than it is to catch up with school.
I fought long and hard on the hair. I had girls. Don’t I deserve to do their hair? And then I gave up. And life is nicer now. Great post.
the mama bird diariess last blog post..there is more to life than starbucks
My kids are getting bigger and we are having battles with how we talk to each other. I don’t mind the jestful teasing as such, I actually think it is normal (and usually funny.) I do, however, not put up with back-talk with attitude or defiance. I think that part of having well adjusted kids is letting them have spats with each other and us parents a bit. All out sass is rarely ok to me.
Erins last blog post..Dogless
Ditto Memarie Lane…I took a 5 year sabbatical from church as soon as I got out of the house.
Agree with the others…Yay for Beta Moms!
Cristans last blog post..toys, toys and more toys
Now, my babe is not even 5 months old, so nothing is worth any fight (who fights with a 5 month old?)
But some fights I wish my parents had felt were not worth it, but didn’t:
Halloween costumes. Just let your kids pick them!
Bell bottoms (and anything fashion related-modest of course)- let them wear them. Not worth the fight.
Hobbies- I had my parents try to not allow me to knit. Come on! It’s knitting, not smoking pot!
Anyway, yeah.
TopHats last blog post..Getting some rest, a quest, and breast
Clothes- so not worth it. Evelyn learned to take her clothes off at 18 months, and she was probably naked most of the time for the next year and a half. Sure I threw something on her when we went out, but other than that, who cares? (We did live in Houston at the time, so she didn’t freeze or anything.)
Naps- not worth the fight. I tried so hard with my oldest, but when she was already in her room screaming for 3 to 4 hours a day with unconsolable tantrums, locking her in screaming for a nap was hardly worth it. Now that she’s manageable, quiet time is definitely a sacred part of the day.
TV viewing – not worth it. I guess it’s a sign of bad parenting, but I would go crazy if I couldn’t turn on the TV and have a break from the screaming for 30 minutes. It’s a pretty sad day when they’re on the 5th time watching Little Einsteins, but you do what you have to to survive.
Eating – SO not worth it. Somebody tell my husband, PLEASE! He thinks they’ll die of starvation if they don’t eat their dinner, and it’s hardly ever a pleasant experience. You can’t force an 18-month old to eat. He just doesn’t get it.
Fun post — and thought-provoking. My 2-cents on school attendance: this was not original with me, but I allowed one “get out of school free” per year (no excuses to Mom needed) and was amazed at how jealously my kids guarded that privilege. They usually finally took it sometime in April or May. Otherwise, our understanding was that school was the kids’ “work,” and they were supposed to do it, just like I cleaned the house or Dad went to his own work.
As for the homework, I feel pretty militant about that one. I figured that homework was between the teacher and the child–I refused to “enforce” something this 3rd party sometimes tried to inject between my child and me. On the other hand, I also would not protect my children from the consequences of not following school rules.
I, too, resented the idea that the school (teacher, etc.) could dictate how I as a parent spent my afternoons and evenings, not to mention my resentment of their intruding on my children’s out-of-school lives. They already had them for 6-7 hours, for goodness sake!!! (and I guess I should explain that my children were all successful academically or have become so by their 2nd or 3rd college degree)
My experience varied somewhat from some of your other points, but in general: Hear! Hear!
facinating, Shannon! I’m interested in the underlying principles that help determine what makes a battle worth it or not. In general, my heritage (both nuclear fam, and the anglo-saxon authoritatianism of our cult) is for too much — I wish many battles I have fought had not been. Which do the Lord fight? Fairly few. We are too often over-wronght w others’ behavior.
Though one can fight a battle surreptitiously, or quietly and psychologically. This is harder, to let a person you love go down a path headed into trouble as you see it. Rather, let us qiuietly and repeatedly offer better options, always hoping for good choices. I know this sounds weird coming from an authoritarian.
BTW, I almost always have approved of yours and Tom’s permissiveness style.
Love, Dad
I agree with a lot of what you said–though not all. I definitely feel like fighting to get my 3 year old to take a nap far outweighs the benefits of the nap once he finally, if ever, falls asleep. Besides–since he’s awake he usually entertains the baby while I get stuff done. Can’t complain about that.
I am curious, though, as to what you recommend for quiet time? He always wants a movie–but I don’t love the idea of a movie for quiet time.
I think that language is worth the fight. I notice a big difference in my efforts to be spiritually minded when I use foul language. I grew up in a home where my parents swore, and I thought it was confusing to know that those words weren’t “good” words, but to hear them use them anyway. It especially hurt my feelings when they used them with me in anger.
Thankfully all my kids are grown and I don’t have to fight any of those battles any more – and only a few of them might be battles with the Grammy!
I agree with many of yours but I disagree with school attendance and language. To me, school is their “job” and if they don’t learn at a young age that sometimes you have to go even when you don’t want to they may have trouble being a reliable employee to anyone. As far as language, I’m as guilty of letting “bad” words fly on occasion as anyone. However, I also know that that kind of language is not acceptable in many places and situations and if they learn that at home they won’t be surprised when there are consequences for using it somewhere else.
Debbies last blog post..UN-green – By The Numbers.
Ooh, great post!! I agree with most of what you said, except for the homework part. I don’t want to undermine the teacher’s authority and make it seem like they don’t have to do what she says. Plus I think it’s an important responsibility for them to learn. They can play and unwind also when they are home, but homework will be done before they go to bed. Do you mind if I swipe this blog topic? I would, of course, give the credit to you for the original idea. Is that ok?
Karis last blog post..Thanks, BMV
Sitting in a chair (not standing) – worth the fight, eating cheerios off the floor – not worth it.
Good topic!
MereCats last blog post..Altered Gray Matter…and a Haiku!
Church – not worth it. I rebelled (thankfully or I wouldn’t have found the beliefs I have now!) after being forced to sit quietly. Did I ever learn anything at church? Only that I hated the dull repetitiveness of it.
Cleanliness – not worth it (to an extent). Germs make you stronger. I freaked out the other day when someone gave my kids antibacterial handwash. FREAKED. Good old soap and water, please.
Homework – worth it. Brilliant or not, they have been told by their “boss” to do something. We don’t get to pick and choose what we want to do at our jobs as adults. Sometimes, the fun stuff needs to wait a few minutes…
Trying new foods – not worth it. If they want to have the palates (sp?) of white food only, I am not going to stress over it. I am also not going to waste my beautiful rainbow of food on someone who will just throw it away or whine about it. Have a multi-vitamin and eat your plain noodles…
traceys last blog post..Is there such a thing as TOO much confidence?
Bedtime is worth the fight for me. I learned quite early into parenthood that I needed a few hours of peace in the evenings so I could regain my sanity. We don’t fight about it anymore (they’re 7 and 9) and I’m glad I stuck with it through the difficult times.
I’m going to fight my kids on tatoos also. I got one when I was 18 and while I don’t care enough to get it removed, I wish I’d never had it put on. It seems so cliche now.
I think people assume that if you let your child watch The Simpsons you’d let them watch porn on Cinemax. I seem to be able to recognize that The Family Guy is not suitable for children. Everyone knows only smart people really get The Simpsons.
Sheas last blog post..I got my haircut and it’s nothing special
I agree with almost everything you put here. Here’s where we differ:
1. I will make my children do their homework unless I feel it is negatively impacting their life or mine, too much, or TOTALLY POINTLESS, then I will talk to the teacher and say, “This I won’t support. He knows all of these questions already and the homework is taking away from family time and giving him anxiety.” OR “This school project is way beyond him and I’M not doing it. I have my own homework to do. I don’t think this was a fair assignment for a child his age, so I’m letting you know that it won’t be done.” Ultimately, the school and teachers are not the boss of my children. I PLACE THEM THERE. It’s my choice. I am responsible for his needs. My child is not an employee of the school. When he or she has a JOB, then they will be required to be dependable and do all that is required. But their education is not a service they’re giving to the school. Their education is for THEM and a conscientious parent manages their child’s education. I meet with the teacher and principle each year to discuss the goals unique to my child. I manage my child’s education, from a distance– don’t micromanage. And luckily, I have a school who agrees with this philosophy. They LOVE parents to care this much. Also? I give my kids my own homework assignments, like reading The Story of Helen Keller.
2. Church attendance is a must. I go when I don’t want to and so do the kids. BUT, when they get old enough to make their own choices, I’m not going to threaten them with taking away use of the car or whatever to get them to go. I have seen it have the opposite effect time and time again. I haven’t figured out how to manage possible breaking of major commandments, etc. I’m not sure there’s anything a parent really can do to keep their teens from rebelling. I believe love, acceptance, testimony sharing, will do more to convince them of the Christian message and the power of the church.
3. I totally plan on taking my kids out of school to go on vacation. If they weren’t Gifted, however, I wouldn’t do that. I am apt to let them skip school too. Because it’s not a job. It’s their own education and they owe ME their best effort and if I say, “You’re right. You seem tired/emotional/needy/whatever today and you can take the day off.” A limit is probably a good idea. With my family’s history of mental illness, my kids are probably going to need more than one free day off!
4. Kids are certainly not allowed to swear. But if they do when they’re in their late teens, adulthood, what can I really do?
5. Booster seats are worth the fight, too. Sooooooo many parents I know don’t make their kids because “Bobby wouldn’t let me put him in a booster seat.” Excuse me? Bobby wouldn’t GO ANYWHERE in my house if he wasn’t in a booster seat. I think it’s pretty easy to enforce. With that age group, there’s always currency. It’s the rare kid who will be stubborn enough to not give in.
Natashas last blog post..Considering getting a self-absorbed dog.
Jane- I saw you put this up on WFMW today and I wanted to tell you my devious plan. Church was always such a chore for me as a kid because my family was the poor family, and we were barely tolerated, never really accepted. Also the church we went to wasn’t big on kids, when it was a family service the kids had to sit on the floor and be quiet. The church I go to now is a lot different, they have a separate children’s church with a good variety of kids who are all accepted and made much of. But I really wanted to give my kids the psychological good vibe with church that I never got, so I’ve started working on a Pavlovian response. Every Sunday after church we stop by the grocery store in our neighborhood and each pick out a donut. We’ve been doing this about a month now and the kids are already thinking “church = sweet and gooey deliciousness.”
Memarie Lanes last blog post..How to make your own nursing pads and extend your bradrobe
I agree with some disagree with others….
school and homework…not optional around here….dont care how smart
part of it is about learning to follow rules and discipline.
tv….simpsons? not ok for my kids, but then neither is spongebob
Steffj89s last blog post..Things that make me go HMMMMMMMMMMM?
I agree that you need to pick your battles or you will go crazy! A big part of it for us is pre-empting the battle. For instance, we chose a school for our kids that emphasises hands-on learning with a no homework policy (and yes, my older kids transistioned to high school just fine and are now A/B students). Church is non-negotiable, but we attend a church with a great youth group and children’s programs to make it fun. You just need to pick battles in accordance with your families values… Thanks for the thought provoking post!
[...] Parents or Guardian of Sally got a very formal letter from the school expressing concern over her numerous tardies and absences. Two weeks of school and she’s already missed too much = A new personal best at Chez Dick and [...]
[...] plan to assert myself when it actually snows, though. She WILL wear socks with those flipflops, if it’s the last [...]