Dick is ready (oh, is he ready) to have another kid. Last week he said for the first time that we need to have another try at making a boy. This is almost a relief to me, because before when he always said the right things about how happy he is that we have three girls, I never quite believed him.
I’m not ready for another kid, and so I talked it over with my good friend Tara, because open communication is important in any marriage. One reason I’m reluctant is that I feel extremely lucky to have three perfectly healthy kids. Why push it? Do you know how many things can go wrong? The odds on having four normal kids seem almost astronomical.
Here’s my baby, Spot. Not such a baby anymore. We first noticed something ‘off’ with her eyes at six months. She’d outgrown the usual newborn cross-eyedness, but her right eye was often not tracking with the left. We hoped she’d outgrow that, along with those strange grunting noises and the diaper-wetting.
At nine months I took her to a pediatric ophthalmologist who couldn’t get her to do her eye trick. Like a recalcitrant car that insists on running smoothly the second you take it into the shop. The cross-eye doctor said her eye muscles were all equally developed and that it was probably just a baby thing that would resolve itself. Don’t you love doctor-speak?
Dick thought we should get her a patch, but I couldn’t imagine her keeping it on. Plus, the doctor hadn’t actually recommended the pirate look.
So now she’s 21 months old, and the mysterious eye thing is not resolved. It comes and goes and I call her cross-eyed baby sometimes. Today we saw a different pediatric ophthalmologist. It took his assistant approximately 46 seconds to diagnose Duane Syndrome. Okay. Can we not call things “syndromes” unless they’re seriously life-changing/threatening/coma-inducing? Also, could we not name syndromes after your beer-drinking uncle who likes to watch NASCAR?
Avoidance? Huh? Anyway, Duane Syndrome means that in the 6th week of pregnancy, her 6th cranial nerve didn’t hook up with the 6th eye muscle that it’s supposed to control. Her left eye cannot turn out past the midline. It’s completely untreatable and means (to Dick) that she will never be great at basketball and (to me) that she will never be a fighter pilot.
To Tara, it’s a good reason to have a fourth kid because, as she pointed out, we no longer have three perfectly normal children anyway.
On the one hand (more like ninety-nine out of a hundred hands), I’m grateful beyond expressing that it’s not something worse. Spot has the most common, least complicated type (I) of Duane Syndrome, and she seems to be compensating well for it. DS is more common in girls than boys (3:2) and not hereditary and usually doesn’t affect quality of life.
Unless you wanted to be a fighter pilot.
When do you tell your kids that they can’t become something when they grow up? Do you ever tell them? Do you take your son aside and tell him he’s tone deaf before he tries out for American Idol? Do you tell your daughter that the tallest ballerinas are only 5’7″ and that since she’ll most likely grow to 5’10″, she might want to pick a different dream?
When do I tell Spot she can’t be a fighter pilot?
Subscribe by email
No fighter pilots in your family, that’s crushing! Well, it seems like since kids are born with this, they just grow up compensating for it where they need to and not feeling like it will limit them in any way. And I’m sure it won’t be some taboo subject in your family, so I imagine Spot will realize her career dreams are limited to non-figher pilot options. We miss you guys!
Taras last blog post..On My Nightstand III
When she actually gets the application for the Air Force Academy you might want to mention to her that pilot may not be the best option for her. Can’t help you with the 4th kid thing – We’re having a hard enough deciding if were going to have #3 – I think I may just get a dog
You know, looking at that picture, I can’t see it at all.
As for having a fourth….we’re at three and likely to stay there. Lots of reasons (many that you list) and my age (I’m 35 this fall) and the simple fact that I feel like I’ve been treading water these past many years with small kids, barely keeping my head above water.
Of course, we’ve had two job changes (hubs) and moved 2x (doing the whole, “who wants a great deal on our house?” both times so we could move on).
You know (as I write a book here), hubs and I were just talking about this — family size, having more, life’s curveballs — and the point we came back to again and again is how you just can’t play the compare game when it comes to family size.
Anyhooo….Spot is ADORABLE and just think, when she’s a momma, she can fix her steely, one-eyed stare on her brood and get them to straighten up or else!
After watching Little Miss Sunshine, I suggest doing it sooner rather than later.
Memarie Lanes last blog post..Bloggy Giveaway Survival
I might let the other fighter pilots tell her. I think the other basketball players may let her in on a little something too. The basketball players sure let me know that it wasn’t going to be my gig. She’s a precious thing, though, and I’m sure for as many times as there will be disappointment, there will be 10 times as much love.
MereCats last blog post..I Sold My House and Quit My Job
Tara — true. Not many topic taboos at this house.
Beth — Having kids is my reason for NOT getting a dog. It’s definitely an either-or proposition, to my mind. Though, maybe someday, when we have an actual yard.
Marianne — You’re absolutely right; comparing family anything (size, money, smarts, talents, etc) can be down-right destructive. And hear you on the treading water!!!!!
Oh — this picture doesn’t show her thing. She’s perfectly fine straight-on; it’s when she tries to look left that her eye fails to move. I don’t know if I have any pictures of it. Certainly it’s not a look I’ve tried to capture before, but maybe I should, just for the record.
One thing I read about Duane’s Syndrome said that it’s usually diagnosed by age 10 (Can’t IMAGINE not getting some serious testing done before then!). And that parents often go back and can see the compensating head-turning in early pictures. If Spot ever starts compensating in order to look straight-on (as she doesn’t have to in this picture yet), there is a surgery to help with that. No surgery or treatment for the syndrome itself, though.
Memarielane — been meaning to watch that. Sounds like it must be funny (if in a cringe-inducing way?).
MereCat — Yes, although the opthalmologist assured me that by the times she’s in school she should be compensating (with head turning, etc) well enough that the other kids shouldn’t notice her being cross-eyed, etc. Kids can be so cruel; I might want to tell her (and my others) some of these things myself, you know?
And there’s always enough love. Well, so far anyway . . .
At least it’s nothing worse. Most kids don’t want to be fighter pilots, anyway. Just don’t buy her toy airplanes…
traceys last blog post..Fate is a sadistic bee-yatch..
Hi! I found your blog a while back from Fussypants (I think) and have just not commented.
My daughters both have “lazy eyes”, one wore a patch and surgery and all is well at age 7. My youngest is 5 and did have the surgery (her eye turned in so badly that most of the time all you saw was white!) but has always refused to patch. Her vision in her good eye is 20/30 and her weak eye is 20/100. She compensates and turns her head a bit but really has learned to “deal” with it. It is amazing how kids do adjust to what they are born with.
Ok, sorry for such a rambling comment! What I am getting at is that she knows that she will never do certain things due to her eyes but so far she has not let it stop her. She even plays baseball (with NO 3D vision) and tennis! Kids amaze me!!! It is just known that she has this issue as well as a profound speech disorder (wich also does not hold her back) and that she needs to find alternative ways to do things the same way that we do. Does that make any sense????
She is one stubborn and intelligent child-God made up for her “disabilities” with MANY other special qualities!!! Good luck with your daughter!
Aimees last blog post..Menu Plan Monday July 28
She looks so adorable and so much older…maybe her and Liam will date when they meet at BYU someday.
As for baby #4, go for it. You are super lucky to not have to pay $20,000 per kid, so I say what the heck, have another. (real profound advice I know…)
danielles last blog post..Soap…
Well first of all, I have a ballerina friend (teaches and directs at Ballet West) who is 5’11″ who would be mighty offended if you told her you are telling your girls they might be too tall to do the dance.
Ahh, the should we have another kid discussion. I’m dying for one more baby because I need someone to take care of my other baby. Having a step-daughter around three days of the week just isn’t cutting it. Still I never want to be pregnant and I’m pretty sure DH will move to Alaska for at least the first year. These are things to take into consideration.
I’m glad that Spot has the least sever of the “syndromes” I worry too that I”m pushing my luck expecting another perfect someone to come my way. Still looking at the three you guys have, I figure you are pretty safe.
Julias last blog post..Little House on the Front Lawn
I agree with you on the syndrome thing. Why is everything a “syndrome?”
Good for you for keeping such a great attitude! I think that she’ll be as “normal” as the next kid, and it probably won’t affect her (your) dreams of becoming a fighter pilot. Unless the USAF gets picky about rules or such!
Heathers last blog post..Thankful Thursday
Go for it ….
JackieW. transplanted Okie (Buried in Legos)s last blog post..Kitchen Countertops …Thankful Thursday
I really like the nsacar-watching, beer-drinking uncle part.
I feel like I’m pushing my luck with #2, but I tend to worry A LOT. My mom had 8 perfect children. Okay, I’m a smidge off-balance emotionally, but I’m leading a normal life.
AND there are things you can do to up your probablilties of a boy. Wish I knew the name of the book. But it’s true – just like you can breed for girls in dairy cows or boys in bees (is it better to have a boy bee?) you can conquer nature! The end.
EMamas last blog post..Customer Service Part 2
I always worried about my luck running out and feeling that, considering all the pain and suffering in the world, why NOT me? Then someone told me that with 3 (or 4,5,6, or 7) healthy normal kids, my chances of having another healthy normal child were actually higher. In the end, some of them do have some minor anomalies that are blessings in disguise–they are the healthiest people I know (run marathons, etc.), but only 1 of my 5 sons is eligible for military service (and I’m not about to argue with the military’s strange criteria!).
If you can bear and parent healthy, intelligent children, perhaps you owe it to the world to keep that segment of the population well represented.
I’d go with letting Spot know from whenever she might show any interest in being a fighter pilot that she can’t. My daughter was diagnosed with bilateral infantile esotropia (aka squint, both eyes turned in, and for the bajillionth time, no it’s *not* lazy eyes) at around 2-3 months. She’s our first (only for now!) child, so we’ve had to deal with having a slightly “not perfectly healthy” child from quite early on. So we’ve known since then that Matilda can’t be a fighter pilot, or an opthamologist either, as it requires binocluar vision and she’ll never have that. So if she ever shows an interest in opthamology or being a figher pilot, we’re planning on trying to steer her in another direction. We are not going to tell her right now that she can’t be either of those things, we’ll just deal with it if/when it comes up.
If you ever have to patch Spot’s eyes, I hope pirates are still “cool”. It was kinda fun to have a pirate baby while the Pirates of the Caribbean movies were coming out.
Kirstys last blog post..More photos
Oh, have another one. They’re so yummy! Just do it!
And FYI, here’s my thoughts on Mamma Mia for your seven-year-old:
-Questionable material in that the daughter doesn’t know who her father is (three possiblities)
- One of the characters turns out to be gay (not saying who, and the revelation is subtle, most kids wouldn’t pick up on it)
- You will see a naked man from behind.
That being said, don’t judge me too harshly for taking my daughter. It really is cute, pretty clean, and very fun musically. I covered her eyes on the naked bum, and she was oblivious to how someone can possibly have three fathers or be gay. In a few years? Not so much. But for now, I felt like we could get away with it.
Hope that helps!
Christies last blog post..Torturing her brothers, one ABBA song at a time
I forgot to mention … after the diagnosis of my daughter’s esotropia, all I could think about was “Was it the sleeping pill I took to sleep on that flight from Australi to the US when I thought I wasn’t pregnant, but I was and it was just too early to know it yet?” Ahh .. mother guilt … unfortunately with the esotropia, there’s no known cause apart from genetics, and we have no-one with esotropia in either family.
[...] Wow. Remind me not to hook up to the Bloggy Giveaways Carnival next quarter. Unless a few more of you fine giveaway hoppers actually subscribe to my feed (or by email), and agree to bear a fourth child for me. [...]
Poor girlie!
Summers last blog post..Self Evaluation
I feel your pain — Taylor will never be able to be President cause he was born in Egypt.
No really, I would try not to worry too much about it (you’ll probably never have to say a word). Usually people tend to like the things they are good at. If “Spot” has issues with vision, the passion for becoming a fighter-pilot will probably end pretty quick, or will never develop at all. My kids will never be great swimmers because they either have to do it blind, or have to manage the underwater with glasses on. If I told them they couldn’t be swimmers (like if there were some real medical reason), they’d probably be more relieved than disappointed because it is terrifying for them.
Also – I agree with the idea in one of the comments already left, that your family having another kid is a good idea because you can keep the well-educated portion of the population represented. When it comes to brains especially, each member of your family makes up for at least 3 stupid people. Don’t you owe that to society?