***Updated***
I should probably save all these tips for upcoming Works-for-Me Wednesday posts, but since Shannon could not be bothered to acknowledge my seven million shout-outs to her the other day (forget what I said about the Golden Rule, okay?), I just might start boycotting the carnival, which will really show her!
I mean, since she only has six million other participants and probably gets to multiply her gross revenue column on BlogHerAds by 60% instead of the lousy 50% I take home get to watch accumulate like sands in an hourglass. Speaking of which, let the BlogHerAd income ignorance come to an end. In the seven weeks that I’ve been running ads on my site, I’ve made 36 dollars.
Which is half a day’s pass to Disneyworld, or one meal at Disneyworld or a princess dress on clearance at Disneyworld, or 9/100dredths of a plane ticket to Disneyworld. And you should note that I wouldn’t need one of each of these things but five, only not of the princess dress. Dick would rather have a Mr. Incredibles costume.
Top Five Four Tips for a Less Klutzy/More Together Life
1. When making Cook&Serve chocolate pudding in your first year of college, and resolving to study while you eat, and to thoughtfully clean up the kitchen and store the leftover pudding in the fridge (because back then you cared about portion control) before you study, LET THE PUDDING COOL BEFORE CLOSING THE TUPPERWARE CONTAINER. Otherwise it could explode all over the kitchen and burn your neck, and you have to go to class with a bag of frozen peas clutched to your esophagus. And people will think you are just trying to get attention and are not really IN PAIN.
2. When speedwalking on the treadmill at the YMCA, and talking to your best friend whom you have not seen in 24 HOURS, and she gets off the treadmill and starts to walk out of the room, DO NOT maintain eye contact with her. Otherwise, your legs might follow your eyes and you fall off the treadmill, which is harder than it looks. It might even look like you are trying to get back on the treadmill, but really you are just trying to GET OFF THE DANG THING but it WON’T LET YOU GO. And then you will get lots of attention from employees who don’t want you to sue.
3. When going to Bear Lake to be the head cook of a Boy Scout Camp and you are almost nineteen-years old and have finished your first year in college and obtained your Open Your Own Restaurant Food Handler’s Permit and have clipped every recipe out of Family Fun magazine for the past ten years, and 569 Boy Scouts are relying on you to keep them from starving, and you have a cookbook and access to Allrecipes.com, do not call your older sister to ask her how to make Baked Potatoes, or she might think you were dropped on the head more than that one time she knows about.
4. When getting the kids ready for bed and your husband is busy “folding laundry,” and the older hooligans are still in the tub, but you got the little one out because she was screaming, but then you forgot about her and started blogging again, DO NOT forget to buy lots of carpet cleaner that morning. Otherwise, theoretically speaking, it might be really hard to clean up the trail of poop from the main cache to the dinner table where she climbed on a chair to graze on leftovers from dinner.
There was one other one, but it was just sad, rather than highly educational. Please share your own best klutz-tips. As you can tell, I need all the help I can get!
****Updated to say****
5. Because it has been pointed out to me (by someone I USED to think of as a friend, see #2), y’all FrumpFighters should kick me out of your carnival because I never actually talk about beautification of the physical body. But I did have one that mentioned makeup, so I’ll put it back in: (Thank me later for this amazingly original tip):
When buying lipstick and reminding your fellow Fight the Frumper that you cannot just write about your favorite lipstick as you have no idea what brand you have ever bought, as you always just buy whatever is on sale at the grocery store (as long as it mentions some form of chocolate in the color or “mocha”), do not leave it in the car where it will melt even if there is still ice on the windshield. Stick with melting crayons and fruit snacks and dumdums and old milk in sippy cups and actual chocolate.
Go Fight the Frump with real experts at Fussy’s.
Tags: accidents, advertising, baked-potatoes, blogging, blogherads, fight the frump, klutzy, poop, pudding, treadmills
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You know, I love Shannon, but she didn’t give me credit for the idea I gave her a couple months ago, which she used. Remember “DOESN’T WFMW?” Yep, that was me. No credit, she even sent me an email to verify my link to give me credit but didn’t do it.
C’est la vie.
Do not give your 5yo son grape juice in an open cup when he’s playing superhero. Remember the whole cape thing from the Incredibles? Yeah. That was fun.
Too cute. I will take those suggestions to heart because any one of them could have happened to me (except the camping things since I have sworn off such activities).
You are way ahead of my $4.21 in Google ads over 4 months. I would throw a party for $36.
HRHs last blog post..What to wear when trapping beavers…
You are so funny!
I want to invite you to enter my giveaways this week at http://winnermama.blogspot.com
I hope you can come!
CanCans last blog post..Bink-Tees for Travel Ease
I love that on your tags, poop and pudding are listed in a row. What FtheF post isn’t made better by poop & pudding?
To fight the Klutz Furmp I have learned it is okay to hold on to the handrail when stairs are covered in ice.
Laura Williamss last blog post..Growing Up
When you have just had your boot cast removed from breaking your LEFT foot while playing with your kids do NOT rush around in wedge heels at your daughter’s birthday party because it is entirely possible that you could fall and severely sprain your RIGHT foot and end up in an Aircast. Again.
When trying to think of a task that will keep your 4 & 2 year old busy long enough for you to sort laundry, don’t choose painting. Otherwise be prepared to discover that they have painted their bodies and not the paper.
Beths last blog post..FREEDOM!!
Marie — Sounds like she just forgot. That’s the thing about Shannon. She just seems so genuine and real that no matter what, I can’t help loving her.
HRH — Oh, we are partying, let me tell you. That is the best 36 I’ve earned so far in my life!!
tarable — hah!
Laura — good one. I once dislocated my shoulder after slipping on the ice, but then, I also dislocated it once in my sleep. My shoulder’s even klutzier than me.
Jenna — that’s awful!! I hope you recovered completely!
Beth — SO. TRUE. We’re always on the “your body is a temple.” But then they say, I’m just making it more beautiful. Right.
i’m still trying to figure out the magic equation that allows some to make hundreds and me to make hundreds of pennies, if that.
*sigh* oh well.
Great post. I enjoyed it immensely.
I cook. A lot. I used to run restaurants, yet I have been known to call my mom to ask just exactly how it is I’m supposed to ‘flake’ a pie crust or ‘whip’ a potato. It has nothing to do with being dropped on your head. it’s having kids. All the brains go out in the placenta. Seriously.
rachels last blog post..A Strawberry ‘Ku
I love your website. I came across it through another and loved your writing very much.
I am in DC, originally from Delhi, India and am finding since the last two decades of living here in US, that at the end of the day, cultural differences are just superficial as human nature is the same everywhere… So evident from all the same trials and tribulations of mom everywhere…
Damn, I could have used these tips a few hours ago because my daughter pooped on the rug.
the mama bird diariess last blog post..vaccination angst
Have. Done. #4!
Mama Zens last blog post..The Body Politic