Susan von Dick & Jane: 3 going on 13

Dick & Jane are not yet plagued with teenagers yearning to be adults. We can’t blame our late nights on curfew-testing walking hormones or fears of tantalizing peer pressure. And being an adult has recently been much less fun than my own teenage self anticipated. I don’t want to grow up any more; thirty is quite enough, thank you.

So it’s a bit disconcerting that Susan, my middle child, seems to be three going on thirteen. Why would anyone want to be thirteen? Or to mother a thirteen-year old? Perhaps I am over-dramatizing. (Would I do that?) You tell me. Is she three-and-a-half or thirteen-and-I’m-going-crazy?

Susan Knows

That Mommy Is Not the Smartest Person Alive
(I thought this illusion lasted MUCH longer)

Dick: Mommy’s a genius. [Because I know where the juice lives.]
Susan: Mommy’s not a genius, she’s a mommy.
Dick: Mommy can be both a mommy and a genius.
Susan: Mommy, you’re a mommy, right?

That Mommy is still Pretty Darn Smart

Never go to sleep with gum in your mouth.

That Writing is a Powerful Thing

Susan: What starts with the letter Barbie?
Mom: “b”
Susan: What starts with the letter graham cracker?
Mom: “g”
Susan: No, that starts with the letter “bah.”
What starts with the letter trash can?
Mom: What do you want me to say?
Susan: I want you to say “d.”
Mom: Okay, trash can starts with a “d.”

Her Place in the World

Middle child syndrome? And in Sally’s Dollar Store Beer Stein? Apple juice. Of course. You knew that.

Mommy Sometimes Reacts Irrationally

Susan got the blue plastic mug today, my favorite Dollar Store mug, perfect for Swiss Miss Dark Chocolate Sensation with whipped cream on top. Susan didn’t appreciate the mug; she wanted a different cup. And Mommy lost it: Dang it, I have better things to do with my life, MY LIFE, than negotiate with you over which cup you drink your milk out of today. Don’t I? DON’T I?

But Susan Doesn’t Know

That Acting Irrationally is a Sign of Maturity

Mom: Susan, quit bugging your sister.
Susan: But I’m only bugging her a little bit.

Mom: Why did you DO that? or What’s wrong honey?
Susan: I don’t KNOOOOOOOOOOW.

Words to Describe Female Anatomy

[Mom takes off her sports bra]
Susan: I can see your elbows, Mommy!

That She doesn’t Love Everybody

[Mom and Susan looking at pictures online]
Mom: This is Mommy’s friend’s baby.
Susan: Oh. This is my favorite baby.

Jane Has Learned

Old-Fashioned Stitches are Best

They’re less likely to become infected. Also, shaving is not recommended, as it irritates the skin. Taking stitches out of a hairy person takes a long time. Mommy would rather see blood gushing out of her own [insert vital organ] than out of her baby’s head.

Mood Swings and Temper Tantrums and Sweet Beseeching Looks

Are probably just age-appropriate. Whether you’re three or thirteen or thirty.