I must warn you: This is not a funny post. I don’t even try to be funny here. But I do gain Greek-tragedy-like catharsis, and so can you!
Someone made me mad at church today. Not an uncommon occurrence, though usually I just feel sympathy for the mis-opinionated. Unlike Giselle in Enchanted, I easily recognize and feel anger, and in the past couple of weeks I’ve felt enough anger for . . . well, for myself and for someone who hasn’t felt much anger for herself.
I bore my testimony (“testified”) today, and I talked about agency (“free will”) and about how my sister is experiencing a trial worse than any trial I ever imagined she or I would go through. I wasn’t trying to be melodramatic; I wanted to express my own hurt and my admiration for her reaction to this trial. Instead of wallowing in anger and destroying things (my natural inclination), my sister has responded by reading the scriptures more, praying more, and spending time with her kids and our family.
Maybe it sounded like I would be mad at God if something like this happened to me. That’s not what I meant; I’d be angry at someone whose clothing I could shred and valued possessions I could take a baseball bat to.
A few speakers after me, a prosperous-looking, attractive young man got up and did his spiel. He said we shouldn’t get mad at our trials, and shouldn’t even be surprised by them. They are, after all, what we signed up for in coming to this earth. We knew we’d be tried and tested, tempted and tribulated. Embrace the trial! Turn to God and all will be well!
Dude! Did he think I was talking about a hangnail that’s giving her some trouble?
If one believes in a literal resurrection, and in the atonement’s power to cleanse sin, then the worst possible thing to ever happen to someone is the refusal to repent (or to be affected by someone who refuses to repent). This is not to diminish the immense pain that accompanies death or miscarriage or disease, but just to say that they all CAN be fixed, eventually. If I refuse to repent, however, that can’t be fixed.
And, for those whose religious convictions are different, surely you would agree that to break one’s solemn promises, to refuse to even try to honor one’s vows and covenants, is pretty low. And that the people affected by such broken promises are facing real devastation.
The funniest thing about that young man’s testimony was that he was so sure of these things that he has learned through “my many years of experience.” Right. Because he’s 24 and single and childless and looks like he has suffered. Oh, how he has suffered.
My mom said that maybe we shouldn’t be letting our daughters watch these Disney princess fairy tales all the time. Because what are they learning? Happily ever after and prince charming and animals coming to help you with the housework.
I’d agree with her, and I did introduce my sisters and mom to Sara Bareilles’ Fairytale, which gets more clever every time I hear it. BUT, happily ever after, that people should get married and stay married, and that families are meant to be together forever is what we believe in. It’s not just a Disney movie, it’s what we believe.
Tags: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Family, marriage, sisters
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Amen!
Jacki’s last blog post..Our Love is No Longer Conditional
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Embrace the trial? What a load of crap. We don’t “embrace” the trial, we “endure” them. That boy needs a dictionary, with the two words underlined. And after your testimony having already been given, may I say, thrown at his head.
I took your comments to mean a physical trial before because of the post about the kidney. I guess I shouldn’t have assumed (you know what they say about assuming, right?), clearly now you were being figurative. Sorry if I offended, my heart just went out to you and I felt I had to say something. Still does, even though the pain you feel is a different one than I first thought.
Marie J’s last blog post..Sorry…
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WOW, 24 years young and he thinks he knows what a trial is. We dont embrace a trial who wants to embrace one. Trials we endure as stated with Ms. Marie J’s post. Its painful and you hope to who ever you believe in that it will go away quickly and that no one ever will have to endure what you are enduring. I dont know what your sister is enduring, but I know she has the strength of her family to help her along.
I hate when those who have never stepped in ones shoes think they know all you have endured, all you have gone through. I would probably have been in the pews spouting out “has your child ever been so sick that it took them months to figure out what was wrong” “ever watch your friends fall apart cause their SO beat them yet again” when you sit and hold the hand of someone you care about while they cry and pray for the hope to move on then he can say he embraces his fricking trials. SORRY got on a soapbox will back off. Just makes me upset when others speak as they know what you are going through.
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All I want to say is that I’m sorry for whatever your sister and your family is going through. Nobody else can presume to know what that is like.
Sending you warm thoughts.
toni
toni’s last blog post..Easter Bunny
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Just thought I’d weigh in with something I told Jane yesterday, after reading this post. While I agree with almost everything said here, just one point: That guy at church was judging others, but then Jane and her beloved readers (me included) just go ahead and judge him too. How do we know he hasn’t been through some terrible things too. Being young doesn’t preclude trials, nor does being single or good-looking. I can’t have a good attitude about my trials, or the trials of those close to me – but that doesn’t mean someone else hasn’t learned to.
tarable’s last blog post..Fight the Frump: Skirt the Issue
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Amen to tarable. I heard a 20-something cutie once thank God for helping her during her trials and inwardly mocked her for her naivete. Then, shortly after, I learned of a trial she was enduring that was worse than any I would want to imagine. No, Jane, you are not wrong to be annoyed at that young man’s foolishness–but maybe we should all pray for him that when his “eyes are opened” he’ll be able to remember his wise words.
I would also suggest that maybe suffering is part of what the trials are for (you know, the Khalil Gibran idea of carving out room for the eventual joy). And can anyone honestly suggest that those of great faith and goodness never suffer? That notion is absurd on the face of it!
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I am sorry that guy said that. I am a hot head myself and probably would have said something to him. Good thing it wasn’t me! I Understand Tarable and Nancy, but I still think the boy was in the wrong. Something I learned after losing my son was you do not tell people what is going to happen, you don’t tell them what they should be feeling, because it is pointless. People feel what they feel, right or wrong, good or bad. As a friend (acquaintance, ward member, etc.) our job is to accept that person where they are at in life and comfort them, cry with them, laugh with them,etc, until they show they are ready to move to the next stage.
Okay, here is my experience (it will help with my explanation above). I had a wonderful friend who I know was put in my life at the time of my son’s death for a reason. A few weeks after he died my friend started explaining the grief process to me. I know she meant well, but it pissed me off! I didn’t want to know why I was feeling the way I do or to be told how I could feel next, I just wanted to feel the way I felt and move at my own pace.
I also had a friend who miscarried a baby months before my son died. I know she didn’t mean to be rude but she told me that she thought losing her baby was just as hard as losing mine (she was 12 weeks pregnant, my son was three months old). I didn’t take offense, because I knew that we have very different personalities and I had a much better support group than she did (my family lives in town, and I was easier to get along with
). I don’t care if you are going through the exact same thing, you don’t say you understand and give advice (unless asked for) you give a shoulder and an ear.
Sorry, I will get off my soap box.
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I just read a talk about trials. Here are some excerpts:
God allows each of us to experience the challenges, the suffering, and the trials we need to grow and finally become all that we can be.
Elder Orson F. Whitney explained: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God . . . and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.”14
President Henry B. Eyring reminds us that “the test a loving God has set before us is not to see if we can endure difficulty. It is to see if we can endure it well.”16 How well you endure trials is up to you.
Whether your trials are small or significant, it is important to respond to them well. You can let adversity break you down and make you bitter or you can let it refine you and make you stronger. The result is up to you. You can allow the adversity to lead you to drift away from the things that matter most, or you can use it as a stepping stone to grow closer to things of eternal worth.
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Thanks for all the great comments — esp. those that agreed with me!
Just kidding, I appreciate tarable and Nancy for pointing out a serious flaw in my self-righteous indignation.
A few points:
A) Another thing this young man (whom I had never seen before) said that contributed to my irritation was “I haven’t been here very often. Between visiting my girlfriend and my hometown I’ve been pretty busy.” This while I have been diligently slogging away in our pitiful primary.
B) It is easier (and more discreet) for me to express my anger at this person than at the person I really couldn’t strangle in person. Strangers make much easier targets.
C) I have to thank this young man for bringing about an epiphany for me. Of course I have always “known” that it is better to die than to sin without repentance. Think of the Anti-Nephi-Lehis who would rather die than raise their swords again.
But, it took something like this happening in my own little family for me to really accept that refusing/failing to repent is the WORST possible thing that could ever happen to me.
If I end up in hell, I only hope it won’t be because I didn’t have the balls to admit when I was wrong.
Marie J, Cassie, and Christine
Thanks for sharing your personal hurts/compassion/feelings in comments on this and other posts. I am uplifted by your empathy and care.
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This post had me laughing with your description of the 24-year old who is (evidently?) wise beyond his years…
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Since shortly after I got married I told my husband that if I am going to lose him it better be because he died. I know, not very nice, but it’s so true. My heart is breaking for your sister and this is actually a bit in the past but I completely agree that this is the worst sorrow that anyone would ever have to go through. So, do you still want to strangle him?
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Oh yeah, and I love that song! I hadn’t heard it before. Although Enchanted was also my favorite movie this year. I think I’d rather have a messy house than a rats help.
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