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There is absolutely nothing that is more frustrating for me than the simple fact that my wife has no interest in sex. She doesn’t seem to think about it, ever initiate it or even care to talk about it. It’s not that it doesn’t happen (hello, we’ve reproduced), but when/if it does, I know exactly how it will go before it even starts.

I can’t explain why, but it leaves me feeling completely disconnected, frustrated and just plain sad. Our marriage is fantastic with this sole exception, but my libido is such that the exception is a huge deal.

I’ll never do it, but there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about leaving. If it weren’t for our child, perhaps it would be different. Regardless, I used to think it was selfish, but I’m over it. I can’t help the way I feel or the way her lack of interest makes me feel. It is the most crushing and depressing feeling I have ever experience.

I feel totally trapped and after several years, its not getting any better. Knowing that there are women like you out there makes it that much worse.

Short version: Sex is a huge deal. It’s worth whatever it takes to get it fixed, if you can. You’re not the only one, and I hope things work out well for you and your husband.

It’s really hard for me to *want* to have sex. Once we actually do, it’s quite enjoyable, but the *thought* of it just is like…uh, no thanks, I’d rather sleep. Maybe I ought to try even when I don’t feel like it, but I just can’t bring myself to do it half-heartedly. So for now, this translates into very little action, which I don’t mind but which my husband really does.

When we were going through infertility treatments, I do not know that either one of us “wanted” it but he had to perform. During those times, I just focused on making sure he was able to accomplish the goal at hand and I did not worry about my own needs. Plus, sex was such a burden for me at that time that I really did not have many desires to have it. We had to track every time we did it, had to do it often enough to keep his sperm fresh but not so often that it depleted his sperm. Pls there were ovulation charts, temperatures, urine catches, blood tests. UGH! My body did not feel like my own.

When he has been incredibly stressed at work, he his drive has not been as strong as mine. It used to bother me but now it does not. Once we started talking about it I understood that it was not about how attractive he was or was not to me but more about other things going on in his life. During those times for him, I try to make sure that he has backrubs and other things to help relax him. Many times that leads to more but there is no pressure for it. When the stress goes away, he is much more active.

If it has been awhile and one of us really wants it, we let the other know outside of the bedroom. We make a date and plan it. While some may not find this romantic, I do because we are making sure we take care of the others’ needs and desires.

If there has been a sudden shift in his hormone (or yours for that matter) level, then the checkup idea is a very good one. There may be a medical reason for it.

As far as those women who never seem to want it as much as their husbands, I cannot relate. My husband knows exactly how to make me satisfied. I sometimes wonder if their husbands know how to make them satisfied. Maybe if my husband did not know how to make me satisfied, I would not want it either. Does that sound horrible?

You are brave to put this out there and talk about it. While I am late to responding, I am glad that you talk about it.

I worry so much that the traditional stereotype of women wanting sex less than men is very damaging to women (and to relationships). The stereotype hasn’t held true in our marriage at all. But neither has the reverse necessarily been true. I don’t think either of us wants sex more than the other–we just want sex at different times and for different reasons.

The reality is that there are 24 hours in each day and seven days in a week and several weeks in a month. It is not statistically probable that a man and a woman will each feel like having sex at exactly the same time. One person will have to somehow “convince” (perhaps the right word is “seduce”?) the other. And once you are both on board, it is not statistically probably that you will each want to have sex for the same reason. Sex has as many purposes as there are human emotions. Sex can be about having fun together, about letting off some energy, about intimacy, about comforting, about relaxing, etc.

Once we each started realizing that about 50% of the time we would be having sex when one or the other wasn’t initially interested, we became a lot more interested in watching for each other’s “prime moments.” We became more sensitive to helping the other person’s enthusiasm along. Similarly, we realized that we might each have different reasons for having sex at that moment. And rather than cry about it (which I have), I’ve realized it’s okay.

Sometimes, though, it’s magic. The statistical probabilities either mysteriously align in our favor, or statistics go flying out the window. The moment is right, we are on the same wavelength, and we wonder how it happened. Maybe it’s love. Maybe it’s hormones. I don’t know. But a few less-than-stellar sexual encounters are completely worth the chance of something magical happening.

Thanks for your always entertaining (and often very informative) posts. I’ll go back undercover now.

And you are not alone in this particular issue! In fact, we are probably at the 60/40 ratio for most of our intimate life also. My dear hubby, The Boss, says it’s my hot Italian temperment. Which works for him in the bedroom, but apparently is not a great excuse in a fight! Who knew.

But I really believe it’s not just a gender thing. I tend to be more expressive in ALL areas of my life. For example, he would NEVER write a blog. Ever. He just doesn’t feel the need to understand, be understood, and use words to do it all like I do. The same is in our intimate life. And he rarely yells at the tv – even when the Eagles score an amazing play!!

I can become discontent with the state of things, easily. But I have to choose (as often as I can remind myself to do so!) to focus on the fact that who I am is a gift to my husband. And he is a gift to me. He just doesn’t have to work as hard as I do to unwrap the gift of me – I’m usually pretty ready to be unwrapped! (Not speaking strictly in bedroom terms here, although that’s fun too!) I have to work a little harder to get to him and to enjoy who he is. This holds true in all aspects of our marriage – sexually, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. He represents a challenge to me and I try to appreciate it!

Sympathy and Solutions — doesn’t get any better than that!

Good ideas I’m going to consider:

1) Aiming for “intimacy” rather than “sex”

2) Communication — can always be better, right?

3) The medical/testosterone angle is worth exploring (though Dick says I exaggerate and we’re more like 60/40 on our desires, which is probably true; but I still feel that the advice I was referencing (and the media, as one commenter said) makes it seem that “the norm” is more like 90/10 male/female.

4) Marriage as the ultimate opportunity to serve another and consider his/her needs first. I need to work on this.

5) Recognizing the triggers of a low/high drive (stress/overwork/tiredness and then hormones/cycle)

6) It really isn’t about me. Now if I just say that 700 times, I’ll start to believe it. (I told Dick that this really is all his fault — because he is just so fine I can’t control myself!)

7) Every marriage, every person is different. Duh. But I need to be reminded of this every once in awhile. (and stop making comparisons).

Again, thanks for all the comments. Maybe I need to join a book club again. All this female understanding is awesome!

This is a discussion the hubs and I have had many, many times and while he tries for a while to make it “better” he tends to fall back into the same rut.

I know his job is physically demanding and he is 12 years older than I am, but I would hope that he would understand that this is important to me and our relationship.

So, while the book is called Is That All He Thinks About? and probably sounds very unhelpful for your situation, chapter 6 (When He’s Not Interested) is dedicated to my 2 friends.

We’re not all alike. I’m a woman and I don’t like jewelry or shoes and I hate to shop.

p.s. I don’t think this post polluted the pristine pixels of the internet.

And what to do in the mean time, pray, pray, and pray!

Your dh might not even want to consider the possibility, but communication and patience work hand and hand. I believe it is just a simple blood test.

I admire your honesty!

I know that it is hard but sometimes it isn’t a reflection on you or your marriage. Sometimes it simply reflects hormone levels-period. Hormones are powerful things and charting my cycle really helped me see that.

When my sex drive is high, I’ve found that it isn’t always sex that I’m really desiring. Sometimes it’s the emotional and physical connection with hubby. My desire is really the deep level of intimacy.

Find other ways you can make that connection you crave and then talk to your husband about how he can meet those needs.

Sometimes I’m bored or restless and sometimes I’m feeling insecure and needy. It’s up to me to figure out why and then meet that need.

I’m really tired, so I’m not sure this makes sense. The reasons my sex drive is higher at times varies. Stopping yourself and thinking it through will usually reveal a reason and then you figure out if it’s something God should meet, you should work out, or hubby needs to provide.

And sometimes it really is sex that I want.