I kicked the Mountain Dew habit a few months ago, and then, in a time of duress (do you have to be under duress, or can you just experience duress?), I went on a two-week binge of all-caffeine-all-the-time. Marcy offered to send me caffeine-free from Utah in an attempt to save me from myself. (When Marcy recently abandoned her Six Months of No Sweets (except for all those exceptions), I so-thoughtfully reciprocated by offering to get her some sugar-free ice cream).
Now I am back on the wagon, and ready to share all the epiphanies I had. Speaking of epiphanies, has anyone been following the fascinating stuff about Mother Teresa’s faithful uncertainties? What I’ve read/heard so far is extremely intriguing. I don’t think it diminishes her at all to know that she wondered if God exists. That she lived so exemplarily while wondering is even better.
The first thing I realized in my own little self, after I drank four Mountain Dews in one day, the first, unchilled, begun in the parking lot of Wal-Mart, was that I didn’t like how it made me feel. I was strung out enough. And about 36 hours after the giddiness of that first ecstatic drink, it seemed profoundly mundane to open another. It was just another habit. Not special or exciting.
Made me think of affairs. Now, I can’t even imagine having to date again if something were to happen to my husband. I can’t imagine sharing the absurd intimacy and physical and emotional vulnerability of sex with anyone other than the only person I have shared that with in its entirety. But, I wondered if people who have lots of affairs experience this same awful apathy after embarking on each one. If so, how odd that one would continue. And if one did not continue because the fun wears off so quickly, how terrible to have broken vows over a day’s worth of pleasure.
I’ve now been caffeine-free again for about a week, and the headaches were much sharper for a couple days this time of weaning. An appropriate punishment, probably. Basically, and I’m sure anyone with an addictive personality or any sort of addiction will know this already, once you’ve been hooked, it’s much easier to get hooked again, and it’s as if all the good work of being not hooked has been erased. This time, I mean it: no more caffeine.
One forbidden fruit for me that only starts to dull after about a week of pretty steady consumption, and then only to slightly pale, is reading trashy novels. And then I think it only starts to not be exciting because the guilt over ignoring my kids, house, husband, etc, etc, starts to break through the glorious somnolent haze.
If only I could get addicted to some Mother Teresa-type activities.
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Oh, I have so many things to say to you. First of all, you’re so cerebral, what with the reading of Mother Teresa and all. I’m all wanting the lastest Princess Di book, and hoping there are lots of pictures, and then there’s you and the great Momma T.
Secondly, I have given up many things in this lifetime, and I cannot, CAN NOT, give up caffeine. I so felt your pain with the warm WalMart Mountain Dew. I had some surgery last summer and the WORST part of the WHOLE thing was not getting any coffee until 3 p.m., after the surgery. They had black coffee ready when I woke up, bless them. Have I already told you this story?
Third of all, having had a free life before I married, and having enjoyed all that…freedom very much, I STILL feel as you do: that if something happened to my husband, the thought of someone new just seems dreadful. Especially given that I am not exactly getting prettier, you know? I think, though, that having a relationship with a husband is so much different than freewheeling affairs, even if they were people you were with for years. There is just an irreplaceable intimacy with husbands.
At any rate, good luck to you on breaking your addiction. I am glad you got past that awful first week.
I agree with every dang thing you just said, it’s like your words were coming straight out of my Wernicke’s Area. And the Mother Teresa thing really struck a cord with me, I read about that. One thing that I discovered recently on my own, somewhere in the book of Romans, there’s a scripture that says that faith is a GIFT, not an expectation. But so many churches teach that faith is requisite. In fact it’s an eternal struggle. When I read about this, it actually kind of elated me becuase I have that struggle, and I suspect many, many others do too… I believe the triumph is in believing in SPITE of the doubt, I think that’s what it’s all about. Jacob and the angel and all that.
BTW Shannon I changed my blog address.
Re Mother Teresa’s doubts about the existence of God, a great man said, “It is the final proof of God’s omnipotence that He need not exist in order to save us.” And, “If there were no God, there would be no atheists.”
About the addiction thing, we had a lecture in school last year about addiction and essentially they said that when an alcoholic (drug user, etc) quits and then some time later (months or years, whatever) they pick up needing the same amount they had before quitting. They don’t gradually increase the amounts of alcohol, etc. that they drink like the first time. Just a little FYI.